i just want you to know you arent alone. i had scary/severe depression during my twin pregnancy. alsp ptl (on bedrest at 21 wks, meds at 26 wks, hospital bedrest at 28 wks, preterm birth st 30 wks), im a diabetic as well.
i got through it but it was very difficult. once i was put in the hospital i really freaked. my husband is the only reason i made it through, seriously. after the babes were born i started feeling a little better. the anxiety improved, etc...i was in survival mode i think, as my babes spent 4 weeks in the nicu.
my twins are 4 months old now & the depression and anxiety is getting bad again. im being treated for it tho. im scared to be alone with my babies because im overwhelmed by the thought of meeting both their needs at the same time.i absolutley 100% love and adore these babies but im afraid to be 'in charge' of them. im fine as long as dh or my sister is here to help and take charge if i need it, but when its just me and the babies i really get anxious and scared. like, what if they are both screaming and i cant help them both at the same time? what if they are both hungry at the same time? im okay as long as they are both asleep LOL but even when 1 is awake i am anxious because the other could wake up at any time.
i think what scares me the most, during my pregnancy and now, is knowing it can get worse. i think about the women who have suffered from post partum psychosis and im so terrified of things getting that bad. i dont have any desire to hurt myself or anyone else, i LOVE my children, they bring me happiness and joy and i am delighted to have them. im just really, really SCARED. and also sometimes have no desire to meet their needs (another reason im afraid to be alone with them). im very sleep deprived, have major emotional issues with things not going 'as planned', etc. i was switched from zoloft to cymbalta bc the zoloft wasnt working and my dr is keeping close tabs on me (seeing me 1x a week for now!) and i pray i feel back to normal again very soon.
im sharing this with you because i KNOW how scared you are. Theres so much more i could type, but i have a baby boy on my lap who doesnt want mama typing right now. i didnt mean to make this about myself, but i really want you to know you ARE NOT alone. And there IS help out there for you. Be sure you communicate your feelings/fears/etc with your husband and your doctor!!! And anyone else you are comfortable with. My whole family is aware of whats going on so they knopw to step in and help when i need it, without making me feel like a looser.
Lots of love hon. We'll get through this!