did you use help? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 43 Old 04-05-2007, 04:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
fyrebloom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: North of Boston, South of sanity
Posts: 1,752
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've been told by other twin moms to "get help" when the twins are born. We have no family nearby and expect to be on our own for the most part. I will have 2-3 weeks of my husbands being home, but after that I don't know. I'm having my teenage step kids stay with us from a week to a month in august (depending on how long they want to be away from their friends), so at least I'll have some extra hands to hold babies and watch my 16 month old. How much help did you get? Did you hire anyone (night nanny or the like)? How long did you need help for? Did anyone manage without extra help, or did anyone just not need help? Thanks for the imput!

Lucia , Poly )O( Lactation Counseling mama lady.gifvbac.gifto 5 yo Goobersuperhero.gif and 3 1/2 yo MZ twins twins.gif Peanut and Sweetpea and 1yo Pumpkinbabyf.gif mmm placenta.gif
fyrebloom is offline  
#2 of 43 Old 04-05-2007, 04:40 PM
 
nathansmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 612
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I had no help after my twins were born. We had no one to help and no money to pay for someone to help. My dh was home for the first 3 weeks (mainly because one was still in the nicu) but other than that I was on my own. I did receive alot of flack from friends about not having help (actually I lost my close group of 33 friends due to this) because they felt it was impossible to handle three kids without help. There were days I longed for help but for the most part I did fine. Now that my twins are 2 and my oldest 4, I feel I need the help now more than I ever did as newborns.
nathansmom is offline  
#3 of 43 Old 04-05-2007, 04:42 PM
 
DoomaYula's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 5,147
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I was a single mom of twins, and my parents (generously!) drove across the country, leaving a beautiful winter in a warm state, to stay with me in the freezing midwest for 4 months, starting in January! My doc had promised me I wouldn't have the babies til at least January (due in early March) and they were born on January 25.

They basically did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and shopping. They took care of the babies too, but that was mostly me. But it was SUCH a help not to have to worry about anything but taking care of the boys.

I met my dh when they were a few months old. With #3, when the boys were 2.5yo, I honestly do not feel I bonded with her as much, because I was still trying to do everything AND take care of a new baby, and toddler twins.

So, if you can get help cleaning, cooking, laundering, etc, I'd take it. I'd definitely hire a cleaning person for a few times a week after the babies are born, for a month, if you can afford it. Stock up your freezer before they're born. Most people are very willing to help, just give them something to do!

treehugger.gif Erika
mom of twins.gif (8)  blahblah.gif(5) thumbsuck.gif (3) and baby.gif born at home on Christmas day! 
DoomaYula is offline  
#4 of 43 Old 04-05-2007, 05:01 PM
 
TwinMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: hiding in the bathroom
Posts: 1,818
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I had no help. It was incredibly horrendous, I'm talking sleep deprivation so bad that I began hallucinating. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. If you can get help of any kind, do it!

Homeschooling mom to four kids, ages 18, 18, 10, and 6. 

TwinMom is offline  
#5 of 43 Old 04-05-2007, 05:19 PM
 
maxymum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Colorado
Posts: 459
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i had a very little bit of help in the beginning. husband off for less than 1 week. my sister and her family came out for 3 days after the birth(c-section). my mother came out for what was to be 3 weeks after the birth but i sent her home after 4 days: because we were doing just fine and since i was nursing and my 3 year old son just wanted to hang out with me(and me only), there wasn't much else left to do. my husband left at week three for two weeks(military) and we did just fine. he is gone now too for 8 months or so and we are surviving with no help. we did have lots of wonderful people drop dinners off and that was a life saver, but just wanted to let you know there are others out there who don't have much help and are surviving.
maxymum is offline  
#6 of 43 Old 04-05-2007, 06:05 PM
 
mumm's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,614
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)
I've been trying to figure out the same thing- so I'll be watching the responses!

I'm testing out babysitters now, thinking I may need someone to help a few times a week during dinner/bedtime for the older kids. My partner is typically gone for 6 days and then home for 2, so I am truly alone for much of the time. I'm also making arrangements for someone to clean the house every other week. (The first cleaner comes next week for a trial and I'm giddy just thinking about it. ) My partner also can't take FMLA time since I am not "family". She plans to call in sick for the birth (if she is even in the country at the time: ) but may not be able to stick around for more than a day or two before heading back to work. Needing an income really messes up with having a life!

fyrebloom- are you planning on joining the local Mother of Twins group? I think we might be in the same one. I've never been to a meeting but I plan to attend the first half of the meeting next week because I am buying something from one of the moms and she wants to do the exchange there. If you were planning to attend I'd love meet you.

Me.  With 1 spouse, 4 kids, 16 chickens, 74 matchbox cars, 968,562+ legos, a dishwasher waiting to be emptied, a washing machine waiting to be filled and a lost cup of tea in the house.

mumm is offline  
#7 of 43 Old 04-05-2007, 10:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
fyrebloom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: North of Boston, South of sanity
Posts: 1,752
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My local group is the north shore MA one (they just had a twin sale at Winchester High school on the 31st.) I wasn't really planning on joining. I spoke to someone from there and it sounds like the major selling point is the yahoo group. I have this board and AP multiples for free and the moms here are breastfeeding and AP. I'd hate to spend the money and not get anything out of it. The lady I spoke with didn't know what babywearing was or AP. I'm probally not going to join a twin group, but a get together at a park or something once it gets warmer might be in order (assuming you're near Boston).

I contacted some group that does home visits for 2 hours a week for new mothers. I'm also having a friend cook meals for me (it's good having friends who cater professionally ). We found out I should have 4 weeks with someone home with me if we stagger my hubbys' days off. I think we might actually be ok by what folks are saying.

Lucia , Poly )O( Lactation Counseling mama lady.gifvbac.gifto 5 yo Goobersuperhero.gif and 3 1/2 yo MZ twins twins.gif Peanut and Sweetpea and 1yo Pumpkinbabyf.gif mmm placenta.gif
fyrebloom is offline  
#8 of 43 Old 04-05-2007, 10:38 PM
 
mommymaemae's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Burbank, CA
Posts: 433
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We live in California and I was put on bedrest by my midwife (somewhat unneccesarily, IMO) but that was enough for my mom to be able to take a paid family leave from work to stay with me for the tail end of my pregnancy and on for four weeks after the boys were born (7 weeks total). PFL is a state-run program here in CA, so we were very lucky. Even with my mom (for four weeks pp), my dad (for one week pp) and my dh (for three weeks pp) we were still very busy and very little around the house stuff got done. Of course, for the first week pp my in-laws were also here and let's just say that TOO MANY COOKS SPOIL THE BROTH! Especially in a two bedroom apartment. I mean, I had TWO babies and it still seemed like there wasn't enough baby to go around. It drove me batty and I was soooo glad when they were gone, and I guess even when my dad was gone. Help is good, but make sure it really is *help* and that you don't have too much of it at once

But, yes, I recommend it.
mommymaemae is offline  
#9 of 43 Old 04-05-2007, 11:40 PM
 
atinyseed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 7
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
if you have the resources, go for it. I was a single mom when my twins were born. My mom stayed for a week after. That next week was the hardest of my life. It made me stronger & it made my dedication to my kids that much stronger, but I swear it almost killed me. Having a husband would have made a huge difference. If he's taking time off, don't worry, you guys can do it! Get down in the trenches!

Rachel
atinyseed is offline  
#10 of 43 Old 04-06-2007, 12:57 AM
 
MamaRabbit's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: FL transplanted in Asia
Posts: 5,107
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My mom will be here for a month before my duedate and two weeks after. We also have a fulltime (daytime) maid/nanny : But that's normal for here to have househelp. I had PPD after my son and my DH wants to make sure I get twice as much help so I hopefully won't get it again.

Missionary, birth-worker, midwifery student
Mama to love.gif DD (9yr), DS luxlove.gif (3yr), & 2twins.gif UC twin DDs (5yr)

MamaRabbit is offline  
#11 of 43 Old 04-06-2007, 03:40 AM
 
appleseed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 308
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Nope, no help outside of DH. Occasionally my mom or DH's parents will take DD1 (she's 2) for a few hours or overnight so we can concentrate on the babies for a while, but that's it. DH is out of work on short-term disability right now (had carpal tunnel surgeries on both wrists, manual labor job) and will be going back around the time the babies are 10 weeks old and that in and of itself has been a huge help- but my DH is good at housework and all that, so YMMV

But at that point I'll be on my own with the littlies for 8-16 hours per day depending on DH's shift. We'll live. We are considering having someone come in and help us with the cleaning once a week or so, though- the house is clean now but when DH goes back to work... :

full time, single, slightly soggy WOHM to Juliet (12.31.2004 @ 36w5d) and Willow & Adam (2.22.2007 @ 39w5d, HBAC transfer) and... expecting my little womb warrior Eowyn Susanne in September
appleseed is offline  
#12 of 43 Old 04-06-2007, 03:48 AM
 
lolar2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 6,579
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have a singleton and am getting as much help as I can at all times!
lolar2 is offline  
#13 of 43 Old 04-06-2007, 09:18 AM
 
mamaloveseee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 178
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My mom took two weeks off from work and came and spent the nights with me. My oldest sister came and on the weekends so Mom could take a break. I really appreciated it and I didn't even have to ask; they just said they were coming. My brothers and sil and my other sister helped out by making meals during that time. It was great! Even when when had our youngest daughter they still came over and helped out.
mamaloveseee is offline  
#14 of 43 Old 04-06-2007, 10:37 AM
 
Llyra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: right here
Posts: 9,450
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have 7 week twins and a two year old. I had my MIL and DH for the first week, and my mom for the week after. When they left, I basically spent the next four weeks in an absolute fog of exhaustion. I only washed my hair twice during the entire four weeks. DD ate crackers for lunch every day, and some days got no lunch at all because I couldn't find the time to give it to her. My house was not just a mess, it was positively unsanitary. I walked around in a nursing bra and a ratty pair of DH's boxers because there was no time for laundry and no time to bathe or get dressed. A few days I never even found time to brush my teeth-- EWWWWWWWW!!!!! By the time DH got home from work at the end of the day, I was ready to get in the car and run away from home. If I could have had any help at all during that time, anybody at all no matter whether I liked them or not, I would have seized on the chance. Just another pair of hands to hold a crying baby would have been salvation for me. If you can get help, DO IT.

me knit.gif, he bikenew.gif, my three reading.gif, sleepytime.gif, and fairy.gif-- and the one we lost angel2.gif
Llyra is offline  
#15 of 43 Old 04-06-2007, 11:16 AM
 
cjcolorado's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: CO
Posts: 883
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My parents stayed for a week after the boys got home (were in the NICU for 10 days) and were a great help w/shopping, cooking, entertaining my dd. My husband was a grad student at the time, finishing his PhD dissertation, so had a somewhat more flexible schedule than many dhs/partners, but his time was still limited since he was under pressure to finish and defend (but, I could call him up from his office if I really needed him). I did take up the offer of our 11-year old neighbor to come over and play with my dd for a few hours each day, and that really was one of the biggest helps b/c there wasn't much that anyone else could do with the babies and I was so worried that my dd would feel neglected. We received quite a few meals which were great, too. But, by and large, I didn't have tons of in-home help. What I would have killed for was SLEEP, and no one can give that to you!

Cindi, mama to Hannah (7/04) :, Eli & Sam (6/06) :
cjcolorado is offline  
#16 of 43 Old 04-06-2007, 02:24 PM
 
2+twins's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: At NPT
Posts: 3,483
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My mom helped a bit - she spent the first few nights here to help with my then 2yo (who still woke at night). I know we had a little help, but mostly I feel like we did it on our own. Help would have been (and still would be) good.

Mama to four remarkable kiddos, all born at home.
2+twins is offline  
#17 of 43 Old 04-06-2007, 06:59 PM
 
Ilovelife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Vermont
Posts: 1,516
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't remember exactly what we did, but I think dh was off work for 2 weeks. My SIL came for 1 week, I think. She was AMAZING. She cooked, cleaned, did laundry, brought me food & drinks while I nursed, entertained dd, helped with the babies when she could (changing dipes & whatever). Plus she did *extra* things like bring a lullaby CD, a pretty wreath for our door, gifts for dd, & just generally encouraged/inspired/supported us. And then my parents came for another week or week and a half. After that we had many friends who helped with dd (2 at the time) by coming over, taking her on playdates, etc. We also had a lot of wonderful people who brought meals & a couple who even did a few load of laundry for us. I tried to get a "visitor" at least 2-3 times a week, even if it was only for an hour. Kept that up until the babies were about 6 weeks old. I was in pretty rough shape physically after the birth, so it took me a good 6 weeks to be able to take everyone for walks or really get out of the house much. If I hadn't had friends dropping by I think I would have been too isolated. I would really encourage you to try to get help at least with meals and laundry if you can. And some sort of contact with people so you don't feel completely alone. Can it be done alone. Well, yes. But it's certainly more pleasant when you're supported by friends & family.
Ilovelife is offline  
#18 of 43 Old 04-06-2007, 09:54 PM
 
twinmomplusone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 88
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yea people always say get help with your twins but you can do it alone.
when I was pregnant people would tell me that they would help and blah blah blah, and after my girls were born, all of a sudden I couldnt get in contact with anybody and people were all of a sudden busy. My husband went back to work the day after I came home from the hospital. I was on my own with newborn twins and my son...and I survived...! I just worked in time with my son when the girls were asleep, yes I was tired, but it wasnt anything some coffee couldnt handle.
twinmomplusone is offline  
#19 of 43 Old 04-07-2007, 02:13 AM
 
TripMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: California
Posts: 1,461
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
I had night help for a long time . . . . it was what saved me . . .

TripMom . . . . . loving mom : to DS (7) and BBG (4.5)
TripMom is offline  
#20 of 43 Old 04-07-2007, 02:56 AM
 
MamaRabbit's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: FL transplanted in Asia
Posts: 5,107
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I was at a barbecue with friends the other night. They wanted to do a "dipes & wipes" shower for me. But, I told them, we CD and I have everything I need. "Well then what can we do for you?" And I was ready to answer because DH and I have talked about this a lot. We have help during the day (Thai maid/nanny) who can't cook. And my mom will only be here a short time. Only so much food can fit in the freezer.

So I told them that 4 or 5 meals a week for the first couple months would be wonderful. The reaction? "oh" Basically, people want to buy us stuff instead of actually spending the time it takes to make a meal. Good grief. Well, I put it out there and we'll see what comes of it.

Missionary, birth-worker, midwifery student
Mama to love.gif DD (9yr), DS luxlove.gif (3yr), & 2twins.gif UC twin DDs (5yr)

MamaRabbit is offline  
#21 of 43 Old 04-07-2007, 11:37 AM
 
Mama2RMM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 385
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I was on modified bed rest starting at 29W, my Mom took leave from work (family company, was easy for her to do so) and stayed with us for about 2.5 months to help care for our not yet 2 year old. My twins were born at 32 weeks and then were in the NICU for 5 weeks. They came home, and I believe my Mom was here the first week they were home.

My husband took off two weeks after that, and then I was solo for two weeks.

By the end of the solo time, I was stark raving mad. It wasn't PPD y'all, it's just more stuff than you can imagine. Feed a toddler, nurse a baby, entertain a toddler, nurse another baby, oops all three are crying, find clean diapers, what's a shower, toddler needs a snack, toddler wants to play outside, both babies want to nurse, toddler has a meltdown, crying baby wakes up sleeping baby. It. Just. Never. Stops.

I personally think anyone that stays home with triplets or three very young needy children should be made a Saint. Gosh knows that *I* did not have the patience for it, even though I love all my children dearly. I felt like I couldn't even touch on aspects of AP because I was just so worn out.

My FIL was generous enough to offer us help at a reduced rate through his nursing company. We have somone here 40 hours per week, and even then there are still times when it's a madhouse. My twins are 1 now and my toddler is 2.5. I am all for help if there's anyway you can beg, borrow, or buy it.

Super Supper / Dinner Affair / etc. are also lifesavers in my opinion. It may not be the organic choice I would make at the supermarket, but healthy eating is still way better than fast food everynight. We have two eating adults and an eating toddler, so we buy the serves 6 meals - cook everything, make lunches for the next day, and there's still one serving left over for a weekly leftover night. It's cost effective for us, especially taking into account the time I was trying to spend making lists, cutting coupons, and shopping around the schedules of three kids!

I can also say that having help has never given me a "break" persay, but it has made it SO much easier to really focus on Mothering my babies, all three of them. I feel like I now take the time to get on my toddler's level more, I can let a baby nurse as long as they desire because there is someone to hold the other baby, and I can triage much more effectively with someone else to hand off the small things to.
Mama2RMM is offline  
#22 of 43 Old 04-07-2007, 12:26 PM
 
LoisLane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Once again, on the road
Posts: 735
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by balawre View Post
By the end of the solo time, I was stark raving mad. It wasn't PPD y'all, it's just more stuff than you can imagine. Feed a toddler, nurse a baby, entertain a toddler, nurse another baby, oops all three are crying, find clean diapers, what's a shower, toddler needs a snack, toddler wants to play outside, both babies want to nurse, toddler has a meltdown, crying baby wakes up sleeping baby. It. Just. Never. Stops.
and

I can also say that having help has never given me a "break" persay, but it has made it SO much easier to really focus on Mothering my babies, all three of them. I feel like I now take the time to get on my toddler's level more, I can let a baby nurse as long as they desire because there is someone to hold the other baby, and I can triage much more effectively with someone else to hand off the small things to.


I completely agree with all of this.

Especially when you have an older toddler, I think it is just too hard on the mama to be alone, all the time, with twin newborns and a sibling. It *can* be done alone, but I think at a lot of cost of the mama's health (both mental and physical). We had our parents here for a week or two immediately after, and asked for lots of help from friends (meals, playing with our son, etc.) but ended up paying for two kinds of help -- someone to come and clean thoroughly every two weeks, and a mother's helper to come in 3-4 afternoons a week to play with son, hold a babe, etc. It might be been easier if the twins had been first (could have just sat and nursed all the time and let the house/meals/etc go) but with an active toddler who was experiencing a big shift in the universe, our lives were made a tiny bit easier with help.

And like the PP said -- it didn't mean I just sat around and did my nails and read fabulous books...it just allowed for less crying among the kids and much less stress on my part (I *still* get a bit stressed when I have all three kids alone all day -- I just get pulled in so many directions!)

Good luck!
LoisLane is offline  
#23 of 43 Old 04-10-2007, 03:59 PM
 
TripMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: California
Posts: 1,461
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Thanks to Bala and Lois . . . .

it seems far to often that "admitting" one has help is somehow akin to saying you don't have any interest in being with or raising your kids? What I find particularly funny is that this applies as MUCH to MoMs as it does to singleton moms? Nothing has allowed me to be a better mother to my 4 kids as having help has. As someone put it above . . . . its not like I am spending copious amounts of free time napping, doing my nails and devouring the current bestsellers . . . far from it! It does mean that I can 1) spend quality time with my kids, 2) take them on outings I couldn't otherwise handle on my own, 3) address their individual needs more, 4) get some always much needed 1-1 time with the kids who need and deserve it so much . . . . . . . and oh yeah . . . sometimes I do really selfish things like -- pay the bills (that only seem to get paid quarterly at this point) OR do the grocery shopping withOUT 3 toddlers and a preschooler in tow (to be honest - I've never gone with all of them - and I am skeptical as to whether it is even possible?) . . . . attend a doctor or dentist or haircut appointment for ME! Selfish, I know. But yes - I am a firm advocate for getting help if you can!

I note that this is such a "touchy" topic - that the MoMs in my local triplet moms group - NOT an AP group, BTW -- barely even admit to it? I know of one other mom with kids my same age that has regular help? The others do it all themselves all the time. One family is likely because of $$ -- the other it is because "no one can do it like us".

Anyway - I'm tired of having to feel apologetic about having help? I'm tired of feeling like I have to justify it? I'm tired of people assuming I spend all the time I do have help going to the gym and having lunch with girlfriends. And I'm REALLY TIRED of people not understanding that having help in the house is one of the BEST THINGS I HAVE EVER DONE AS A MOTHER TO HELP ME MOTHER THEM BETTER!

TripMom . . . . . loving mom : to DS (7) and BBG (4.5)
TripMom is offline  
#24 of 43 Old 04-10-2007, 06:19 PM
 
mumm's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,614
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)


It is also interesting to see what some people consider 'help' that others just take for granted. ie- do you do your own lawn? yardwork? Cut your kids/spouses hair?Trash pick up or haul trash and recycling to the dump? house cleaning? Grocery delivery? Prepackaged food or make it yourself? Driveway plowed or you shovel by hand? gutters cleaned? dry clean work shirts/good clothes or wash and iron, etc. We don't have any of those things but have a neighbor who doesn't consider it help, but just how life works.

I'm really trying to line up as much as I can, especially since DP is getting no time off, but will try to call in sick if she is in the states for the actual birth. I get the feel from friends/neighbors/family that I'm being lazy, but I'm trying to be realistic. I'm going to have 4 kids who don't sleep through the night!:

Coffee won't solve serious sleep deprivation issues for me since I don't use caffeine when breastfeeding.

Me.  With 1 spouse, 4 kids, 16 chickens, 74 matchbox cars, 968,562+ legos, a dishwasher waiting to be emptied, a washing machine waiting to be filled and a lost cup of tea in the house.

mumm is offline  
#25 of 43 Old 04-10-2007, 06:27 PM
 
kirk_heidi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Far West Texas
Posts: 1,139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My pastor's wife sent the women's home to my house 2 times a week to clean. They were a blessing and my house never would have been clean without them. The only time someone brought meals was for a week when they were 2 months and I was crying on the phone to a friend. That was it though. I wish I had alot more help. I definitely recommend getting help if it is available. If it isn't than stock up on frozen and easy to cook food so you don't get stressed out trying to prepare meals.
kirk_heidi is offline  
#26 of 43 Old 04-10-2007, 06:32 PM
 
TripMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: California
Posts: 1,461
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaRabbit View Post
We also have a fulltime (daytime) maid/nanny : But that's normal for here to have househelp.
Case in point. Too often if you mention the "h" word . . . .you feel like she depicts above with the little smiley getting a tomato thrown at its head? Then there is the second sentence qualifier to boot to argue that it is normal.

No offense meant to you momma - just using as a good reference.

I'll point out - that this hesitance is so ingrained in me - I only answered partially in my original post. I did have night help with my triplets. But after a month or so - I had day help too! I was going back to work after my 6 months leave was up - so I knew I needed help - but honestly, even if I didn't HAVE TO WORK and if I could afford it -- I would still have gotten day help. Having 4 kids in the house 3 years old and under . . . . . I am sure some will respond that it is sheer bliss and totally doable . .. NOT ME . . .it pushed me to the very end of my sanity on more than once occasion. Which only got worse from age 1 to 2 (lest people think this is only a "baby stage" phenomena). I totally understand $$$ being a major issue - believe me - we have drained so much of our savings for help - and I am glad we have it to drain as I am sure many do not --- but I do not, can not, am completely boggled by people who can have help and declare that it is either not necessary or not advisable? Sorry for the rant - I think you touched a sensitivity with me . . . . .

TripMom . . . . . loving mom : to DS (7) and BBG (4.5)
TripMom is offline  
#27 of 43 Old 04-10-2007, 07:19 PM
 
twinalicious's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: merry ol' land of Oz
Posts: 230
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think having a little help will keep you sane! I am and was single when my twins were born, but I live with my mom. She was just as much help as a dh would be. My sister also came over on her lunch breaks (so I could shower or eat) for about a month. A few friends would bring over dinner and extra food that didn't need preparation. Finding time to eat was hard, forget about cooking! But what helped me the most was pumping some extra milk so my mom could do the early morning feeding and I could get 5-6 hours of sleep. Other than having help it is nice to have company, once you have gotten settled. It took me about 6-8 weeks to get settled and feel ready for company (other than family) but it was nice to have an adult to talk to. So I say yes, if you can find free help or if you can afford to pay for it do it! It is some much nicer to be able to enjoy that stage of their lives.
Good luck!

Single mom to twin boys ('06)
twinalicious is offline  
#28 of 43 Old 04-10-2007, 08:34 PM
 
LoisLane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Once again, on the road
Posts: 735
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by TripMom View Post


Anyway - I'm tired of having to feel apologetic about having help? I'm tired of feeling like I have to justify it? I'm tired of people assuming I spend all the time I do have help going to the gym and having lunch with girlfriends. And I'm REALLY TIRED of people not understanding that having help in the house is one of the BEST THINGS I HAVE EVER DONE AS A MOTHER TO HELP ME MOTHER THEM BETTER!


I have been thinking about this topic a lot lately -- the thought of asking for and needing help -- and last night when a friend of mine was over from South America it all came together. My friend mentioned that she couldn't consider having a baby while she lives here because she wouldn't have her family around to help her. I asked what she meant, and said that people (like us) would be there, and she said it wouldn't be the same as having all her aunties, her mom, her cousins and grandma there to help with a new baby. She said she had never seen a baby raised who DIDN'T have a ton of family around to help the new parents, and she didn't know how you would parent without the support of family and friends nearby. She is slightly horrified that it is as lonely as it is for parents in North America.

Anyway - this is all kind of a rambly way of saying that I think everyone -- but especially parents of multiples -- shouldn't feel like we have to parent in a vacuum and that in other times and in other places, there would be SO many people there to help is SO many ways. Since that's not the case for so many of us, we have to create that to get the same benefit (stay sane, take a shower, learn from others). I think some of the great independence that is inherent in many North Americans sometimes comes at a cost. I know I have spent a lot of time thinking "Why is this so hard -- I *should* be able to do this by myself" -- but I am starting to understand that maybe it's less natural to do it by myself IYKWIM

So -- stepping down off my little soapbox this afternoon -- I think one of the biggest things I have learned since having twins is that it's important to be able to ask for help -- whether from your friends or from professionals. Friends and family often love to be able to do something (but might not know what is needed). And as for the "professionals" -- we have helped a woman start up her own business (professional cleaner) and university students pay their tuition (babysitter) and a high school student gain confidence and spending money for her summer vacations (mother's helper). Everybody is gaining something.

Thanks for listening
LoisLane is offline  
#29 of 43 Old 04-10-2007, 10:04 PM
 
royaloakmi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,369
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Heck yeah I had help, and it still wasn't enough.

My dh was home for about a week after I got home from the hospital. My mom was over every day (and a couple of times at 3 am when I called her in tears). My MIL was over frequently (but she was kind of anti-help, KWIM?)

DH was back at work a week when he realized he couldn't be up all night and go to work all day. So we had a nightime doula for almost 3 months. (I was still nursing at least every 2 hours all night, 'cause they wouldn't take a bottle, but at least she did the diaper changes and walking the floors with them all night.) I did not recover well from my c-section and without her I never would have made it. Oh, and I had serious PPD, one twin with colic, plus sleep deprivation like I never knew was possible.

I have also had a couple mother's helpers, one of whom turned into my current sitter. My twins are now 3.5 yo and I still have a sitter about 8 or 9 hours a week so I can get my head together.

Do you need paid help? Maybe not. But I would never turn down offers for meals, cleaning, or childcare. I would also have a plan for what you're going to do if you find you do need more help than you thought. I thought I would have my mom here for a couple of weeks and then I would be fine on my own. It didn't work out that way.:
royaloakmi is offline  
#30 of 43 Old 04-10-2007, 10:23 PM
 
kirk_heidi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Far West Texas
Posts: 1,139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I want to add that I agree with the statements about paid help. If we could have afforded it there is no question that I would have had it. Help is a sanity saver! I could have used more sanity during that time....and even now!
kirk_heidi is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off