I don't think I can make this work. - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-25-2007, 01:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So my babies are here. Long, awful labor and delivery. They are full term and healthy. I am a wreck. My older kids are mess because I was away for so long. (2 day failed induction, long hosp labor when water broke because of GBS, etc.) Clearly sleep is an issue, since I didn't get much in the hosp and now I don't get much because of the babies. (Maybe 4 hours broken up over the course of 24 hours during the past two days.)

I can't stop crying but don't really know what I need for 'help'. I'm terribly embarassed by the whole thing and the fact that my birthing skills sucked (I thought it would be like with my other kids) and that I now have more kids than I really want.

Please tell me it will get better.

Me.  With 1 spouse, 4 kids, 16 chickens, 74 matchbox cars, 968,562+ legos, a dishwasher waiting to be emptied, a washing machine waiting to be filled and a lost cup of tea in the house.

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Old 06-25-2007, 01:34 PM
 
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If you're disappointed in your birth, then you probably have so much to process. Add that to having newborn twins and it is definitely overwhelming! It does get better!

In the mean time, the biggest things I found were good help when I came home with mine (I did a homebirth in a rental home in another state) were meals, and someone to help with housework. Don't be shy about asking!

Take care, it will get better.

Wife of one and mom of five, including my HBAC twins!
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Old 06-25-2007, 01:46 PM
 
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Sounds like you've been through a lot in the last few days. Now certainly isn't the time to think about whether or not you can handle things in the long run. Concentrate on getting through the next few minutes. Can you get help with your older kids? I, too, was disappointed with my twins' birth (hospital when I wanted homebirth, pre-term when I wanted to go longer, a bunch of drugs--steroids, magnesium, antibiotics, when I wanted drug-free). Like you, I was exhausted, and my babies were in the hospital for a month! My husband really stepped up to the plate with my older daughter so I could concentrate on the twins. I faced additional challenges when they finally came home from the hospital, but that's another story. The first few months were incredibly hard, and at 19 months I'm still sleep deprived. But there's something magical about twins (maybe it's all those breastfeeding hormones). My love for them has pulled me through the darkest hours.
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Old 06-25-2007, 01:50 PM
 
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Now certainly isn't the time to think about whether or not you can handle things in the long run.
This is so true, and maybe not thinking/worrying quite as much about the long run keeps us all going from time to time.

mumm-- take it one day at a time, and go easy on yourself. Just giving birth to twins, you've been through the wringer. It takes time to heal.

Wife of one and mom of five, including my HBAC twins!
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Old 06-25-2007, 03:02 PM
 
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Oh honey,

It will get better. Don't get me wrong, I am tired....but there are less times that I look up and think....I just can't do this only to find things still going on around me weither I can handle it or not. The babies are playing on the floor occasionally and sleeping for naps some and that little break makes all of the difference. I just got both DDs down and was able to sit down and love on my older DD who really needs it. Give yourself a break and take it a little at a time. It get seasier!!

hug
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Old 06-25-2007, 05:12 PM
 
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it so totally gets better!!! everyone will survive this hard time and you and your kids will adjust. forget the past and start over right now. you're at the hardest part mama. just give yourself some slack and love on your family lots!!!

you just had twins!!! CONGRATULATIONS MAMA!
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Old 06-25-2007, 07:41 PM
 
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I can really relate to the intense disappointment of a birth experience turning into something completely different than you dreamed of and being long and awful. In all honesty, I am still mourning for the experience I wanted and still sometimes feel angry at myself and others for feeling pushed into an inappropriately timed induction. I take solace, though, in seeing my wonderfully healthy full term boys who are getting more amazing every day.

About a week after they were born our nursing relationship was terrible. They had some really bad latch problems from TMJ due to their vacuum extraction. Every time they wanted to nurse, I wanted to run screaming from the room. I hadn't figured out my breast pump yet so I broke down and gave them formula for a couple of feedings. Now, I suffered from depression for years and there was only one other time in my life where I experienced a sense of despondency as deep as I did that day. It was terrible. I felt like a total failure and wondered how I could make it and why I had to deal with having twins... I wanted a hole to open up in the earth and swallow me.

But now here we are, nine months later. That day is the only time they have ever had anything but breastmilk. We've figured out ways to get out of the house. I find time to cook meals. We have fun playing together. I can't relate to how hard it must be for you having other children who also need your love and attention but just from reading from other MoMs I see that it can be done (you all deserve medals, btw).

I hope that you can find friends and family to help you and cook for you and let you take a shower or a walk by yourself. I hope that you and your partner are able to communicate really well with each other through this difficult time. I hope that the love you and all your children share will carry you through your doubts. Hopefully you'll be able to look back on this day and pat yourself on the back for how far you've come and how much you've grown. Just having these disscussion boards to turn to has helped me a lot... the mamas here are so supportive.

Good luck... I really do think it will get better.
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Old 06-25-2007, 07:42 PM
 
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I really really does get better! Don't tell yourself you can't handle it because you can! You are in the hardest part right now and you will get through it in one piece! Get some help for your older kids and maybe a lactation consultant to help you successfully BF.

But most of all tell yourself that you are strong and you can do it!! And believe it! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!! You are awesome!!! You are amazing! You are a wonderful mother!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

Single mom to twin boys ('06)
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Old 06-25-2007, 08:00 PM
 
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Oh mama, this is such a hard time and it will get better. But right now, it is just so so so so so hard. Like others said, just get through each minute, and try not to think too far ahead. Ask for as much help as you can -- specific things you need (can someone come and watch my older kids? Can someone bring me a casserole? Can someone bring me chopped up veggies and fruit and cheese to snack on? Can someone fold these clothes here?) I was so emotional and sad and happy and tearful in the first few weeks after both of my births... regrets with my DS that everything didn't go the way I had planned, overwhelmed at the difficulty of two newborns... and for some reason it always felt good to cry in the shower -- loud and hard sobs, the real thing.

Hang in there. I don't know that much is harder than right now, and I doubt most people (except the wise mamas here) understand just how hard it is.

Take care of yourself as best you can.

Edited to add: I, too, dealt with some guilt that I had more kids than I had planned. It's a weird feeling -- I mean, you love them, but it wasn't part of the plan. It took me a while to be glad that the plan changed, but I had moments while pregnant and in the early days where I felt like shouting "I didn't ask for this!"
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Old 06-25-2007, 08:13 PM
 
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I really does get better. I don't think I got more than 3-4 hours a day sleep until my twins were a little over 3 months old. I was pretty much sleep deprived until I night weaned them at 13-14 months but it get get better little by little. Every twin mom goes through what you are feeling and it is totally normal. Having 2 babies is very overwhelming in the beginning. You can do it though, just take it a few minutes at a time like the other posters said. Thinking about the future is totally unnecessary right now! I too have had lots of regrets from my twins birth, give yourself time and let yourself grieve it.
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Old 06-26-2007, 05:29 AM
 
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First of all, congratulations! You survived a long pregnancy with twins--give yourself some more credit. Most women never have to go through something that grueling.

I never wanted twins (I also have a 6 yo and 4 yo, both boys). When I found out I was having them, I was shocked. I tried to be delighted, but I was mostly just shocked and scared. It was crazy for awhile. But now I love it (they'll turn one at the end of July). I'm sure it will be crazy again when they hit the terrible twos, but not in the same sleep deprivation sort of way.

Do you have any help? How do you do the night nursings? Both at once or one at a time? I know very little about PPD, but is there a chance you have this? Please don't be embarrassed--it's quite overwhelming to provide care for two newborns at once.
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Old 06-26-2007, 06:49 AM
 
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It gets better. Don't look too far ahead right now. If everyone in the house is still alive in five minutes you're doing well. Then look ahead to the next five minutes. Try not to worry too much about the intense crying - it seems to be a "thing" with the twin post-partum hormones.

Who is helping you? No one should be allowed to walk in the door of your house without bringing you food, cut up already, on a plate, a bottle of water, and a napkin. Then they should be heading off to fold your laundry while entertaining your older ones.

It's really really tough to have an end to your pregnancy that you didn't want. You're not a failure. You're a success. It's just hard, and intense. Not sleeping is incredibly difficult. You will survive. For now, do it in tiny, tiny, tiny increments.

Hugs. It will get better.
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Old 06-26-2007, 11:32 AM
 
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4 hours of sleep, that's pretty good for this stage, IMO. I didnt get more then 2 hours of broken sleep for the first 6 months, and barely anymore then that until 10 months.

I know everyone on here has said it gets easier, and it does, it didnt get easier for me until my twins hit 1. They were awful babies, colicky, very fussy throughout the day, both very demanding at that age. Everyone always said "wait until they start walking, it gets worse" WRONG! I love it! They are more independant and I feel that I can get more work done now. I can fold clothes while they are on the floor entertained with toys.

Maybe you need to get some help for PPD, just long enough to take the edge off. Can you get help with cleaning and food? Also something that helped me out was I asked my mom to stay the nite a few times so that DH and her could care for the babies while I got a nite's sleep. Obvisiouly this was after bfing but if you are bfing, maybe you could pump just for that one nite so you can get some much needed rest. DONT be afraid to ask for help. No one will look down on you and most people are happy to help a new mom with twins.

Also what kind of schedule do you have them on? It made feedings harder but I had mine on a staggered 30 min difference and would rock them both to sleep after eating (I didnt fed them together, one on one) and would lay them down together so that way they napped at the same time and I could find time to squeeze in a 15 minute nap or just use the bathroom for that matter.

single mommy to identical twin girls (3/06) Non-traditional mama just : through life.
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Old 06-26-2007, 12:16 PM
 
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oh sweetie it really does get better. be gentle with yourself.

first of all, watch for signs of PPD. It hit me hard and was worse than i ever imagined. I was so overwhelmed I could barely move. I was afraid to be alone with the babies out of fear that i couldnt take care of their needs.

second - get some help. have someone, ANYONE, come over and take care of a feeding so you can get some sleep. You will be floored by how much better you feel after a little sleep. when dh and i really needed some sleep we'd take turns feeding so we could each get 5 hours of sleep uninterupted. i took the late shift and would bring the babes out to the family room in their bassinets and just surf the net while feeding. i had about an hour between feeding the 2nd baby and feeding the first baby where id pump. this worked for us because mine are bottlefed.

i cant ty[enow (baby!) but it does get better!!!!!
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Old 06-26-2007, 12:24 PM
 
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Awww, big hugs. My twins are now over 4yo, and their first few months is a blur -- blissfully. Just like the 12 Step programs all say, "take it one day at a time." If you can't do that, take it one hour at a time.

It's so difficult having 2 newborns, recovering from a painful birth, and dealing with your older kids. Is your dh taking time off from work so you can regroup? I hope so. Otherwise, do you attend some kind of religious community, where you can ask for help? I had a LOT of help from the church I attended when my boys were born. Several people even offered to do my laundry -- I didn't have a washer/dryer in my apartment. Many people are willing to help, they just need some direction as to how to help.

treehugger.gif Erika
mom of twins.gif (8)  blahblah.gif(5) thumbsuck.gif (3) and baby.gif born at home on Christmas day! 
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Old 06-26-2007, 01:39 PM
 
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Thinking of You!! Don't let your partner leave the house!!! I don't know what kind of help you have, but if you need more, try to get it!! It's overwhelming and I'm sure the kids want mostly you during this transition time. Be easy with yourself, you are only one human. It can be hard to operate on such little sleep and crazy hormones. Be easy with yourself, you had a tough labor /delivery/hospital/twin birth experience. B-R-E-A-T-H-E-

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Old 06-26-2007, 02:25 PM
 
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Awww sweetie, everyone else has said anything constructive I might of added, but wanted to you to know I'm thinking of you and sending you some and
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Old 06-26-2007, 02:33 PM
 
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geesh... hang in there mama!

I cannot say it will get better right away. I had a failed birth too. I cried for about 2 yeard DAILY and slept maybe an hour or two a day. FOR TWO YEARS and man oh man did I get sick and tired of people telling me about the "silver lining" or the "it'll get better's"!!! But, you'll survive because you have too and when it DOES get better you will put yourself back together and carry on... proud for making the good decisions for your babe and proud of yourself for getting past supposed "failures".
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Old 06-26-2007, 06:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by LoisLane View Post
it always felt good to cry in the shower -- loud and hard sobs, the real thing.
I'm already on that one!

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Originally Posted by RightMama4 View Post
second - get some help. have someone, ANYONE, come over and take care of a feeding so you can get some sleep.
How do you do that breastfeeding? I've never pumped, don't have pumps, bottles, etc, and I would be scared to introduce a bottle so soon. I gave one babe a pacifer last night and she went right back to sleep for a while. I'm keeping clocks out of the bedroom so I don't know for how long. Both kids have only gained 1 oz during the last 3 1/2 days so I want to try to stay on top of feedings.

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Don't let your partner leave the house!!!
DP goes back to work tomorrow. For 6 days (traveling, but will try to come home for some evenings if possible) Someone needs to work if we are going to hire all this help! Also the older kids can't just sit around the house all day. We live in a great neighborhood during the school year, but once school ends everyone heads off to their summer homes. It's nice to live in an affluent town, but it also stinks if you aren't 'keeping up with the jones', kwim? My kids are sort of left hanging if they don't want to do the summer camp thing, which they don't and won't.

I have hired a postpartum doula to come 4 times for 4 hours each time. (actually it is a gift!) That won't start for 2 weeks though. Thanks for the positive wishes. I just hate feeling this way.

Me.  With 1 spouse, 4 kids, 16 chickens, 74 matchbox cars, 968,562+ legos, a dishwasher waiting to be emptied, a washing machine waiting to be filled and a lost cup of tea in the house.

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Old 06-27-2007, 01:24 PM
 
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Hang in there. I feel for you and the difficulty of managing your older kids on top of twins. Our twins are my first so I have it easier.

I really understand your feelings about the birth though. Mine too went wrong in nearly every possible way--seems in spite of all my best efforts. I don't even want to write it down or tell it. My babes were full term and are healthy and I'm so thrilled to be with them, but I still feel as if I let them and myself down in terms of the birth. I'm hoping time will heal that.

Ditto on PPs advice to have others help with cooking, cleaning and entertaining your older kids. I've also found it's nice to have someone who will rock, carry, console the twins when they're well-fed, but still want attention and I need a shower, to eat, to rest, etc.

Good luck to you--I'm sending positive, calm and rested thoughts your way. XO
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Old 06-27-2007, 02:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm doing better. My sister really came through for me. (I think she thought I was going to go off the deep end and do something really drastic!) She called the local parent support services and they sent out someone to help me figure out what I should be doing. and I realized that it is okay to hire help (babysitters, mother's helpers, etc) even if both my partner and I are home to just be an extra set of hands for the older kids.

I also realized that these kids will not sleep in a crib. (I was insistent that they would. I WAS NOT going to cosleep with them like I did with the other kids. My older kids are 6 and 4 and still can't sleep through the night- I blame the family bed.) Sleeping with them makes each day manageable, even if it may make things harder in the long run, kwim? Anyone wanna buy two really cute, unused bassinets? They have all the bells and whistles!!! But we added another mattress to the 'big bed' and had a decent (enough) night's sleep last night.

I know I can make it through the day and will just face tomorrow as it comes. But we all know that what works today may not work tomorrow.: Thanks again for the well wishes. It also feel good to know that I'm not a complete failure and that other people have struggled too. It is hard to find people irl who will admit that.

Me.  With 1 spouse, 4 kids, 16 chickens, 74 matchbox cars, 968,562+ legos, a dishwasher waiting to be emptied, a washing machine waiting to be filled and a lost cup of tea in the house.

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Old 06-27-2007, 05:33 PM
 
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I am glad you are doing better. I co-slept with my twins until they were 13 months and then I night weaned them because I needed to sleep better. If I hadn't co-slept with them I never would have gotten any sleep at all!!!!!
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Old 06-27-2007, 07:25 PM
 
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So glad you're feeling better! Realizing you don't have to do this alone is huge!!

Our first 6 weeks or so were a breeze, babies slept all the time (they were 6 weeks early), had either my MIL or DH home with me. I thought, "man this is easy." Then the help stopped, DH went back to work and DD developed colic. Meanwhile my son, who I'd just gotten to breastfeed (very week suck from birth) started to not nurse so well. It was a hellish 3 weeks. Things are now just starting to look up, each day gets a bit easier. It will for you too.

As for co-sleeping, yeah it's a must. I hadn't planned or wanted to co-sleep with the twins. My DD will only sleep right next to me and half the time DS is in bed with us too. Doing what works and what'll get us through the day.
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Old 06-28-2007, 01:44 AM
 
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Sleeping with them makes each day manageable, even if it may make things harder in the long run, kwim?
First off

Second, I say when it comes to twins do whatever it takes to make things easier in the short-run, esp. in those early months. We had a king sized bed, a bassinet, a crib in our room, and a crib in the room across the hall. We were ready for any sleeping eventuality and we have used them all!! With lots of help from my dh we have gradually transitioned them to their own beds in their own room. Gus made the final leap about 2 months ago, and we've never looked back.

You're doing great and never, ever feel guilty about asking for help. I have found that those first few months are a bit like the pain of labor, the really hard parts fade from your memory and you only remember your sweet babies.

Trying to get my bearings...
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Old 06-28-2007, 10:23 AM
 
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s: those were some of the roughest times. i looked at my 31/2 yr old and thought "how am i ever going to have time for her again?" "what have i done?"

when people would visit i'd put on a happy face and when they'd ask how are you doing, then i'd cry...

it does get better but you really really need rest and sleep. somehow some way...
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Old 06-29-2007, 02:55 AM
 
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It gets better. Don't look too far ahead right now. If everyone in the house is still alive in five minutes you're doing well. Then look ahead to the next five minutes. Try not to worry too much about the intense crying - it seems to be a "thing" with the twin post-partum hormones.

Who is helping you? No one should be allowed to walk in the door of your house without bringing you food, cut up already, on a plate, a bottle of water, and a napkin. Then they should be heading off to fold your laundry while entertaining your older ones.

It's really really tough to have an end to your pregnancy that you didn't want. You're not a failure. You're a success. It's just hard, and intense. Not sleeping is incredibly difficult. You will survive. For now, do it in tiny, tiny, tiny increments.

Hugs. It will get better.
This exactly. And many (((hugs))) from someone who had a horrible failed induction/C-section. I know the disappointment and feelings of failure. But you are NOT a failure - your carried and birthed - however they arrived - two beautiful little souls who will be fine throughout all the drama and inevitable mistakes. Give yourself the credit you deserve even if you don't feel you deserve it. And when you get a chance, read the chapter on Healing from the "silent Knife" book - you can apply it to any birth situation. And congratulations! (((hugs)))

Christine, mama to Daniel & Abby, 9 and Patrick, 4. Wife to a rockin' train engineer. Gluten and nightshade-free. Multiple kiddie food sensitivities.

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Old 06-29-2007, 03:27 AM
 
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But you are NOT a failure - your carried and birthed - however they arrived - two beautiful little souls who will be fine throughout all the drama and inevitable mistakes.
You carried twins to full term--that alone is an amazing accomplishment. You are absolutely NOT a failure.

Michelle G.
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Old 07-03-2007, 04:17 AM
 
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You are an amazing woman for carrying twins. Please don't feel like a failure. You've accomplished an amazing feat.

I don't believe much in conventional medicine but I was so anxious I asked for an RX to help take the edge off. I don't know how you feel about medicines, but I am managing much better than I was before. Don't be afraid to ask for help and and even be aggressive in making family and friends come by your home to help you.

to you.
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Old 07-12-2007, 04:07 PM
 
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First of all, congratulations!
I don't have multiples, but I do co-sleep in the beginning just to get my sleep, then start transitioning out of the bed to the crib gradually by 1 year. It's worked for all 3 of my very different babies. Might be something to consider.
I'm gonna PM you too!

- Krista

milk donation : mother to Ryan (6), AJ (5), Nate (2), Maia (1) all born at home, I have a kid-friendly food & bento blog, : :
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Old 07-12-2007, 04:57 PM
 
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It DOES get better. Around 6 months, when the babies can sit and entertain themselves for a dash (playing with a rattle or a "busy box" etc.) it gets a lot better, IMO.

Here are the things that made me feel better in my darkest hours (some kind of morbid, some not):

1.) Time will pass no matter what. The sun will set, the moon will rise, the sun will rise again... time marches on. "This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass." should be your mantra.

2.) If you were living 1000 years ago, you NEVER would be expected to care for twins by yourself. You would either would have given one away to a childless couple or to your sister to raise, or you would have someone else nurse the 2nd twin, or (sad but true) you would have left the weaker/smaller one to die from exposure on a rocky cliff somewhere. What you're doing isn't natural and you have absolutely no reason to put the kind of pressure and expectations on yourself as you might with "just one." You are already superwoman for making it this far and it DOES get better.

3.) 5 years from now, you will look back on these days and feel tremendous pride for having made it through AND having done such a great job at it. You will only remember the good with any clarity and the bad will just fade away.

4.) You have to work really really really really hard to mess up your babies, lol (as an AP mama I'm talking). Feed them, change their diapers, clothe them, and hold them. On the days you're at your wits end and totally exhausted they won't know you're just going through the motions. By the time they're old enough to notice mama is exhausted, you won't be anymore.

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