want to talk me out of it? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 08-01-2003, 04:41 PM - Thread Starter
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Hi there. We have one child, currently 3.5 years, and are going to be expanding our family via adoption, probably late this year. We're finalizing paperwork now, and must answer the question about whether we'd consider twins.

Now, if we were to get pg with twins, we'd probably be a bit freaked out but happy, too, and we'd rise to the occasion. You just get what you get, and you find the happiness therein. But it's a somewhat different matter to *choose* a challenging situation, like twins.

The kids will be 4 years apart. What do you all think? Would we be insane to take on twin infants? Would it be too hard on the first child? Should we let some other family, perhaps with much older kids or no kids at all take on this challenge instead of us?

I know this is, on some level, a ridiculous question -- every family is different, and no one can tell us what's right for us -- but you all at least have experience with multiples, so I'd respect anything you had to say on the subject.

Thanks for sharing your experiences!
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#2 of 5 Old 08-01-2003, 06:55 PM
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I feel a bit uncomfortable dispensing advice about this, since you are right...the individual family situation is SO important to this question.

However, I'd offer the following up as consideration:

1) How good of an external support system do you have? You *can* do it alone with twins, but if you're given the choice--particularly since you have another child--I don't feel that you should.

2) Have you asked your child how they feel about this? At 4, there will definitely be some opinion one way or the other. I would not say that your kids' opinion should be the deciding factor, but it might help to know an inkling of what you might have to deal with.

3) How important is doing things 'strictly AP' to you? It will be easier to do that with one baby than with two. If having to compromise a bit will cause you a lot of self-doubt and guilt, then that is something to consider too. If you have a more utilitarian view of AP then I think the adjustment is easier. Maybe.

That's all I've got time for at the moment, Tom is making 'I'm going to wake up soon' noises on the bed.
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#3 of 5 Old 08-09-2003, 03:31 AM
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My parents didn't adopt twins, but they adopted my two baby brothers at the same time, so our family operated as if we had twins. Twins were always treated as an extremely positive thing in our family anyway. My mom was a twin, her grandma was a twin, and I grew up hearing, "One of you girls will be lucky enough to have twins!" (As it turned out, my sister and I both had twins, 7 weeks apart--and we both thought we were so lucky!) I just remember it being a very happy time with two babies in the family, when my brothers were babies. I don't know how well my mom did, I should ask her.

Even having had twins of my own, and knowing how intense it is, I still would recommend considering it. Especially since twins need families to take them so they won't be separated. Obviously there's a lot to consider, but I don't think you're crazy for being open to the idea. There are some wonderful things about having twins, enough so that I am always excited for a woman when she finds out she's having them (as opposed to feeling sorry for her).
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#4 of 5 Old 08-09-2003, 09:09 AM - Thread Starter
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Thank you, Kitty and Katherine, for your responses. I'm still not sure what to do about this, but you have both given me food for thought.

In terms of the "strictly AP" stuff, that's pretty much what I've done with DS, but reading so much about adoption and raising adopted kids (esp. kids who have suffered trauma and grief at very young ages) has brought new perspective to my thoughts on attachment. The adoption literature is actually very pro-attachment, but of course it doesn't emphasize the same things as the classic AP literature, which is actually refreshing. (That is, it emphasizes responsiveness, closeness, and other techniques without suggesting that breastfeeding and cosleeping are the only and exclusive paths to attachment.) Anyway, I think I just have to search my heart to try to determine how well *I* will fare with babies who cry more and who I can't always respond to in lickety-split time -- my DS hardly ever cried and that's definitely the way I like it. Crying babies just tear my heart out. And, oh my gosh, the thought of trying to do adoptive nursing with two babies makes my head spin! I plan to do adoptive nursing with one baby, but I don't know if it would be pure folly to try with two.

Twins or not, it will be a hard adjustment for me to have to split my attention between DS and another baby or babies.

Peace --
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#5 of 5 Old 08-17-2003, 05:29 PM
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I think if you are in this forum, asking this question, you would be a great twin mom. having twins is a challenge, but it is sooo rewarding. I think your present child is old enough to be helpful and pleased with twin siblings. From my experience and talking to other moms, older kids love to help with babies and when you have two, help is truely appreciated and your child will know how much you appreciate it.
On the other hand, you'll be exhaused. But, you have the advantage of having gone through raising a baby already, so you are better equiped to handle the challenge of two. You can ask your child what she/he thinks, but four year olds without siblings don't know what to expect and can't really make an informed desicion. Anyway, expanding the family is really an issue for the parents to decide.
How your husband feels about it is more of an issue, I believe. However, if my husband had known before I got pregnant (with my now 2 yr olds) that they'd be twins, he'd have said no way. But now he wouldn't give them up for anything.
Good luck, no matter what you decide.
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