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#1 of 58 Old 12-06-2008, 01:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Is anyone else sad that they have to work?

I miss my little girl every day. I tried talking to a SAHM friend about it and she said something like I should not go to Starbuck's and should save money and so on...Well, I don't go to Starbucks and am about the most frugal person around. It's a fact that I have to work in some capacity.

I am so sad to be missing day after day with my little girl.

I would love your understanding post to help me feel better.
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#2 of 58 Old 12-06-2008, 02:10 AM
 
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How do you feel about your job? If it's a given that you have to work in any case, maybe you would be happier at a different job? Not that it's the best atmosphere in which to be hunting, but it's something to think about.
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#3 of 58 Old 12-06-2008, 02:49 AM
 
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Henhao,

Just wanted to send some good thoughts your way. I am grateful that I only have to work part-time right now, and know I would be very sad if I had to work everyday. Hang in there, know you are doing your best, and give your little girl extra cuddles tonight.

And - let yourself have a coffee every once in a while!

- Karrie
Mama to Gabriel, born 10-24-07

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#4 of 58 Old 12-06-2008, 11:30 AM
 
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Your friend was out of line. Obviously, you know your financial situation better than she does, and for her to comment that you should "cut down" spending that isn't being spent . . . just annoying. Especially when you were going to her for some support and hugs NOT budget criticisms.

You're being the best mom you can be, and right now being the best mom means going to work in order to provide for your family. Maybe one day you'll be able to stay home . . . never know what the future might bring.
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#5 of 58 Old 12-06-2008, 11:42 AM
 
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I completely understand. Last year I was still a grad student and I essentially worked part time. Now I have a ft job and I hate it. I don't have ANY time, and I'm pretty sure we are spending more money because we are buying icky yucky prepared food rather than making stuff from scratch.

Fortunately, my dh recently got a new job that pays more, and I'm hoping to be able to SAH next year (I'm a teacher). But if I do, my frugality will be taken to a whole new level.

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#6 of 58 Old 12-06-2008, 11:50 AM
 
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I also work FT due to circumstances. I would give almost anything to cut down to PT but it is just not possible at the moment. I have days when I feel really down about it too. I have tried to come to terms with it, as it is just a fact of life for us now. So I do my best to focus on the time that we have together in the evenings and on weekends and am thankful that she is happy at school and with her babysitter (OK, sometimes I am downright jealous ).

Apparently doing it rong and ruining it for everyone, but I don't give a crap anymorebanana.gif

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#7 of 58 Old 12-06-2008, 08:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you.

I appreciate the understanding comments. Yes, my friend was definitely out of line. She has her strong opinions. It's odd because she was a WOHM and wanted so badly to stay home. Since she figured out a way to do it, I guess she figures that anyone can figure out a way to do it.

--sigh--

I've looked for PT jobs and have not found something that fits. I could find a PT job that would be administrative, which is not what I do though I could do it. I don't know.

My job is okay. The people are amazingly smart and I am learning a lot. At the same time, we had lay offs and now I have mountains of work and I'm spent at the end of each day.

On the third hand, I sometimes feel like I should just be happy that I even have a job.
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#8 of 58 Old 12-06-2008, 08:13 PM
 
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I definitely understand your feelings. I feel so much guilt that I'm not at home with my kids, but proud that we aren't living in debt. The reality is that my dh's pay isn't enough. My friend who is a SAHM has often said she doesn't have the luxury of going to Target and dropping $100 whenever she feels like it - yeah well neither do I. She's said a few things to me that were less than supportive about making choices, but its easy to say when her dh makes about $25,000/yr more than mine.

And I go to Starbucks sometimes

Leslie, mama to Paige 8, Zara 3 and Audrey, Sophia & Nina June 7/11 @32.6
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#9 of 58 Old 12-06-2008, 10:49 PM
 
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Oh yeah!

I am working ft+ because of a divorce. With this economy I *have* to be grateful to be employed after being a sahm for 7 1/2 years.

The judgement of others who know not whereof they speak is really hard. I find it really hard that folks expect me to do as much extracurricular support as I did as a sahm -- apparently being away from home 10-11 hours a days shouldn't keep me from all my volunteer stuff.

And I have an earlier post here about how hard I feel this is on my children.

So, I *do* understand.

I guess we make the best of it and refine our time management and household management as much as possible to a) maximize our time with our children and b) conserve our energy so we have positive (rather than exhausted or stressed out) time with our children.

I am SO at the beginning phases of sorting it out.

So, HUGS and encouragement to both of us!

M
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#10 of 58 Old 12-06-2008, 11:42 PM
 
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I work FT and though I love my job, I would rather stay at home with my kids but there is no way I can do that. My husband is a police officer and cops certainly don't get paid much! I'm an RN and nurses don't get paid much either--but together we make a good living.

Someone has to pay the bills, I went without health insurance for 10 years and won't do that again by choice (got sued for hospital bills, never got basic care, etc), and am thrilled to be able to save and pay down bills, have a nice safe car for once in my life, etc. So the benefits certainly outweigh the cons.

Even if I did quit my job and got rid of my car, never ate out, etc we would be in the red.

But some days I get really angry and depressed about it. I'm tired of being tired and not doing as much with my kids as I feel I should be doing. My house is always a wreck, we eat out a LOT, etc. But we are happy and we are thankful about having jobs that are recession proof, etc.

And h*ll yes I'm going to get me some Starbucks because I freakin deserve it after working my BUTT OFF saving children's lives, it's the least I can do for myself a couple times a week! It's my money anyways....lol.

Marilyn,psych RN. Homeschooling mom to Taylor (12) and Lauryn (8)
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#11 of 58 Old 12-06-2008, 11:53 PM
 
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((((((((hugs)))))))))

I was a sahm for 7 years or so. I had to go back. It was sad.....still morn from time to time.

When I was a sahm I always new how lucky I was.

At the same time I would get angry when a wohm would whine they couldn't stay home but do stuff like spend $300 bucks on make up or have 2 houses.
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#12 of 58 Old 12-08-2008, 10:37 AM
 
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I am a FT working Mom- I'm in the AF and so is DH. He is getting out and I am staynig in and let me just say that makes me sad. but with the economy the way it is and us not knowing what job he will have (we are moving to CO within a month) it's just better this way. I figure I have to take care of DD any way I can, and right now this is it...even though it makes me sad. However Kudos to DH and I- we have worked it out so that in the last month we are here DD doesn't have to go to Daycare...that was my biggest fear- but he is with her during the day and I get to spend nights with DD. So glad we dont' have to vaccinate just to put her in Daycare!!

Hugs to ya mama!! Hang in there and know that whatever you are doing is what's best for your LO (s)!!

and have some coffee sometimes- Some days it's my driving force!!

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#13 of 58 Old 12-08-2008, 02:36 PM
 
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I'm also a reluctant FT worker - I'm supporting my DH through college (2011 can't come soon enough!!! )

I just try to keep my eye on the prize, treasure what time I do have with my family, and just getting through the day. It won't always be like this - one day I'll have the life I want!

Best wishes to us all!
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#14 of 58 Old 12-08-2008, 03:39 PM
 
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I was a SAHM for about two years. I really feel like those years were special to our family, but it wasn't like everything was always great. I often got bored and depressed and wasn't super-mom every day. I was also always stressed out about money.

I work FT, and there are days when I wish I didn't have to. But, I know my family is more secure and happy knowing that the mortgage will get paid and they will get a warm jacket when they need it and that we occasionally have money to do fun things, like see movies.

It is important to realize that very few women in the world have the luxury of staying at home full time with their children, even though in America, the middle-class suburban STAHM is in many ways our ideal.

I will go further than others and say that you shouldn't feel guilty at all for working, even if you have plenty of money, and it is by choice--whether for career ambition or for extra money. I see no evidence that having a mom who stays at home full time makes children better off, necessarily. In my experience, unhappy SAHM's on anti-depressants abound! Please note: I am NOT saying that being a SAHP is not a valuable occupation (dh is a SAHD), I am just saying it is NOT for everyone.

I do not want to dismiss the real sadness and stress you may feel. I too wish I could just work LESS some days, but as others have said, I feel lucky just to be employed. I hope that you will be able to find a better balance for yourself. In the meantime, it is OK to feel sad that you have to go to work everyday instead of spend more time with your daughter, but you should not feel guilty. You should also not talk about this with your judgmental friend.
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#15 of 58 Old 12-08-2008, 03:54 PM
 
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I don't mean to sound insensative like your friend, but just trying to help you brainstorm here...

Is there any way you can take your child/ren to work with you?

I knew that when i wanted to have kids i wanted to stay home/be with them all the time.

I found the perfect balance...I teach preschool at a multiage center and DS gets to come with me!! He can go off and play with other kids, or be in my group for projects and what not. It is a great balance because I still bring home a paycheck but get to be with my son too!

me, dh and 2 boys = our family (oh and a cat...who is also a male...lol)
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#16 of 58 Old 12-08-2008, 04:09 PM
 
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I miss my kids every day, also. I am also fully aware that my maternity leave ends six weeks after my baby is born. There is no way I can bring my baby to work with me. At least she'll have daddy taking care of her (I don't get women who have babies with and marry men they would not even trust to watch the baby while they ran to the store for a gallon of milk and loaf of bread, much less to take care of the baby while mama went to work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, bit I digress--maybe because I've had to leave the kids in his care for a year at a time while I deploy or am on an unaccompanied tour). As for looking for another job, well, I don't think I could find something that pays as well and has as good benefits as the military. I think it is hard because I have a year until my contract is up, and we are seriously discussing having me reenlist.

And it isn't about lattes either. I get maybe one or two a month. We only eat out two Sundays a month after church (down from a couple times a week).

On the days when I don't work, and get to "play at being a SAHM", I have plenty of time and energy to get things done and the house clean. I'm a morning person. But I have to leave the house at 5:30 to get to work on time. I'm not THAT much of a morning person. By the time I get home, I'm wiped, but have to take off my sergeant-hat and put on my mama-hat. Maybe I'd have more me-time if I was a SAHM...and would be able to volunteer at my kids' schools, do PTA, keep my house nice, fix healthy, creative meals and snacks...
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#17 of 58 Old 12-08-2008, 05:20 PM
 
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I'm sad about it too. It was supposed to be when my DH got his dream job I could quit my job or find a part time one. He was hired on after being a contractor just a few months ago. With the economy the way it is I just don't have confidence that he won't get laid off again.
My DD is almost 3 and soaking in so much. I wish I could be the one providing more of what she's learning.
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#18 of 58 Old 12-15-2008, 01:49 AM
 
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I don't know how Starbucks figures into missing your child.

But I miss my son so terribly some days. I hate having to work. If we didn't have to have a house and food and vehicles, maybe I wouldn't have to work. Oh, that's not fair either. If we hadn't gotten ourselves into such debt I wouldn't have to work. We have a goal to have all our debts paid off in 2009. If this happens, perhaps I can stop working. But the school district may be decreasing my hours anyways and what I would earn I would be paying out in babysitting.

So, God bless you and your child. I hope the pain subsides from missing your little one.

laural
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#19 of 58 Old 12-15-2008, 02:17 AM
 
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I was a SAHM for about two years. I really feel like those years were special to our family, but it wasn't like everything was always great. I often got bored and depressed and wasn't super-mom every day. I was also always stressed out about money.
:

The grass is always greener...

I'm a much happier person since I'm working FT. Doesn't mean that I don't miss DD like CRAZY, but I feel like we make the most out of our time together (by baking cookies, making art projects, singing & dancing, etc.) so I don't feel so guilty. But I really like my job, so that makes a huge difference. When I hated my job I cried because i missed her so much, but I think I was really crying because I was all-around miserable.

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#20 of 58 Old 12-15-2008, 03:11 PM
 
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I hate being away from dd too.

When we moved here 20 months ago, it was with the idea I could work part time when we had kids. Well, that didn't end up working out...partly rising costs (we weren't expecting $4 a gallon gas), partly dd came waaay sooner than expected (not premie we just found out we were expecting 2 weeks after our move), and partly a communication problem with my dh. When I said "work part time for x amout per hour", he heard "won't be able to find a job better than..."

Some days I don't know how I can continue and I don't feel that I'm being a very good mom let alone wife. My mom is in the camp of "if you'd only make different choices..." and it's really frustrating because many of those choices (going to college and getting student loans--with parental blessing I might add) were made looong before kids even entered our minds. It is so complicated.

You are not alone! And, I might add, if my dh made another 25k, I would not have to work either.

A, WOHM hoping to be a SAHM married to E (7/7/01), mama to R :: (2/8/08) : : hopeful for ::
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#21 of 58 Old 12-15-2008, 04:42 PM
 
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I have nothing to offer other than my empathy. :

Mama to DD : 09/08
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#22 of 58 Old 12-17-2008, 12:10 AM
 
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I have a job I love, but I miss my kids terribly.


Tracey, mama of 5 beloved children here with me on Earth and one precious son I will meet again in Heaven 6/17/09 - 9/6/09.

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#23 of 58 Old 12-17-2008, 03:49 PM
 
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I haaaaaaaate the fact that I have to work. Unfotunately DH does just does not make enough to support our family no matter how you slice it. I have huge resentment towards the SAHMs that I know. It is somehting I am working on, but it is my problem, you know? It has nothing to do with them personally. I just get so consumed with jealously for what they have that I am missing. Also, I have resentment towards DH for not being able to be the sole provider. Yet again, my issues. I truly hate Monday mornigns with a passion. I always thought while growing up I would be a SAHM like my mom. That was what I pictured and have always wanted to me a mom more than anything. Well now I'm a mom, but I don't get to be with my baby. It sucks, but there is nothing I can do to change that right now. And yes, I've heard all the standard replies too. That gets old real quick. Believe me, my life does not revolve around mani-pedis and 2 brandnew cars. It revolves around which bill can I pay this month and what are we going to do when our 10+ year old cars need repair. Blargh!!! Can you tell I'm a bit bitter? LOL Anyway, really just wanted to say, I totally sympathize.
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#24 of 58 Old 12-17-2008, 07:27 PM
 
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I hope I am not out of line for posting here because I am a sahm (I came on the board to post about going back to work which I will do in a minute) but I have to say that I worked ft until my oldest son was 3.5 and then our financial/family/life situation changes and I have been home since...

When I worked I had an old friend who starting sah the minute she started TRYING to get pregnant who was always saying those sorts of things to me even though her husband made a bunch of money and they lived higher on the hog than dh and I ever had.... even now that we are both home I still pretty much avoid her : I realize that it probably makes me immature, but I think that this is big stuff and there is no harm in backing off a bit from a friend who is making you feel worse about a situation you already feel bad about. Right now it is working or staying home, but in the longrun it says a bunch about what you can expect from her while you are having a difficult time.

Anyway, I felt very sad and missed my son when I worked ft even though I loved my job. I do have to say that as somebody who has been home for a number of years I don't feel like my parenting or relationship with my kids is any better or worse based on my employment status. Remember that you are doing what you have to do as a parent to take care of your child which means you are mothering every second you are at work. And if you would rather be home then you are doing the really hard part of parenting - doing what is best for your child rather than what you want to
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#25 of 58 Old 12-17-2008, 11:32 PM
 
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I have huge resentment towards the SAHMs that I know. It is somehting I am working on, but it is my problem, you know? It has nothing to do with them personally. I just get so consumed with jealously for what they have that I am missing.
I have this too, big time. Especially ones that I see get preggo, have a baby, raise them, and have another. Meanwhile, I"m still working, "waiting" for DH to graduate and give the go-ahead for us to have another. Her days are "sooo busy" and I know I must sound insensitive, but how can going grocery shopping, to the park, lunch, and then naptime really be "soooo busy"? ?? I just want to tell her "try squeezing everything you do Mon-Sun into Sat and Sun and see how busy you'll really be.

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#26 of 58 Old 12-18-2008, 01:02 PM
 
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I have this too, big time. Especially ones that I see get preggo, have a baby, raise them, and have another. Meanwhile, I"m still working, "waiting" for DH to graduate and give the go-ahead for us to have another. Her days are "sooo busy" and I know I must sound insensitive, but how can going grocery shopping, to the park, lunch, and then naptime really be "soooo busy"? ?? I just want to tell her "try squeezing everything you do Mon-Sun into Sat and Sun and see how busy you'll really be.
Ugh - me three!

Won't it be great when they get out of school? I will NEVER take my DH being the breadwinner for granted again! It's a rough job!
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#27 of 58 Old 12-18-2008, 04:10 PM
 
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Is anyone else sad that they have to work?

I miss my little girl every day. I tried talking to a SAHM friend about it and she said something like I should not go to Starbuck's and should save money and so on...Well, I don't go to Starbucks and am about the most frugal person around. It's a fact that I have to work in some capacity.

I am so sad to be missing day after day with my little girl.

I would love your understanding post to help me feel better.
I'm sad, too. I have a breakdown about it about once a month. But it's a fact of life that I can't get around. Even with my working full time we can barely pay our bills! I've been working since DD was about 4 months old and I've come to terms with it. In fact I think I am a better person and a better mother for it. For one, DH's personality is not such that I would ever be comfortable being a SAHM (much as I'd love to in my ideal world). He is overly obsessed with money and I shudder to think of the power differential if I didn't bring home a good salary. I truly believe that my working is key to the success of my marriage, sad though that may be.

I have nothing to offer but hugs, mama! you are soooo not alone.

And the Starbucks thing? Ugh. I've heard that argument before one too many times and it drives me nuts. Right, so I just work to support my expensive coffee habit. Uh-huh. Why didn't I think of that? just cut out the coffee and ta-da I won't have to work! Gosh, us selfish working mothers and our caffeine habits. That one and dry-cleaning expenses...ha ha ha, well guess what, I wear jeans to work every day. And daycare only costs a tiny fraction of my take home pay so nope, I'm not working just to pay for daycare. You always see like the Today show or whatever trotting out that old chestnut, here's a quick way to save thousands every year! just cut out Starbucks and brew your own coffee! Do people really go to Starbucks every.single.day?? maybe they do and I'm just clueless, but whatever. I think it's silly and glib and inconsiderate to suggest that you are working for "extras". I'm sorry your friend said that to you. (and disclaimer, I love coffee. I am just a cheapskate and I do brew my own! except for when I'm running late in the morning, of course )

Hang in there. To be honest most days I'm so exhausted now I don't even have the time to think about it, really. I just enjoy the moments I do have with my DD.

Sarah, with 3.5 yo DD Charlotte + brand new baby Eleanor Jane April 28, 2010
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#28 of 58 Old 12-18-2008, 06:09 PM
 
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That one and dry-cleaning expenses
Yah, I hear that one too. I'm sorry, but I work in a law firm and looking professional is part of my job duty. If I had to iron my own clothes, you can kiss the "Professional" part goodbye (because I'm that bad at ironing). I also hear the eating lunch out thing, which I also don't buy because #1, I don't eat out that often- maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks. #2 It's more than just getting to eat good food, it's networking- and benefits me to hob-nob with people higher than me. #3 With as much work as I do for everybody else 24/7, I DESERVE IT. It's my treat.

Momma to DD (12/04) hearts.gif and DS (11/09) hbac.gif.
I survived 16 mos! Ask me about breastfeeding a baby with posterior tongue tie, high palate, and weak oral motor skills- whew!

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#29 of 58 Old 12-18-2008, 07:01 PM
 
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I just want to tell her "try squeezing everything you do Mon-Sun into Sat and Sun and see how busy you'll really be.
Totally! :
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#30 of 58 Old 12-18-2008, 11:26 PM
 
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In all fairness, I worked ft with one child and know what you mean about having to squeese it all in in less time, but OTH each kid you add does take a bit more time so some moms who seem like they have nothing to do from the outside might really be busier than they seem...
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