Help! need nanny advise (long) - x-posted in life with a babe - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 03-25-2009, 01:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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DD is 7 MO. I started working part time from home when she was almost 3 MO.

I found a nanny who loves EC and bfed all her children (she has 4). She is a great match for me and we get along very well. The problem is, I'm not sure she's a good match for DD.

When she's here, DD cries. A lot. Unless she's sleeping or I'm nursing her. She really never warmed up to our nanny. Some days are ok. And the afternoons are better than the mornings.

I notice that my nanny has a very passive style and doesn't really play with DD. I let her use the laptop while she's working, though I feel she uses it a lot when DD is awake. I ask her to take DD for walks outside and she does not, even when its nice out.

DD is high needs and can be a bit of a handful. She needs an interesting environment. Sometimes I think she doesn't like the nanny cause she's stuck in a room all day with that woman who's here when mommy goes away...

I want our nanny to be happy -- I don't want to tell her she has to take DD for a walk or something because I think everyone has their own style. I want the nanny to enjoy watching DD and I worry if I make her do things, she will not be enthusiastic.

Though I'm not sure that is the right perspective, I pay her very well and she's my employee watching my daughter... She's been watching her like this for so many months, I'm not sure how to approach her to ask that she change her style. At first I thought DD needed to bond with the nanny so I didn't say anything. I doubt that is the case, its been almost 5 months...

I'm not sure I want to find another nanny. What if DD just wants me? I really like the nanny, trust her with DD and feel DD is safe with her.

I hate working. I hate listening to DD cry, I feel like a bad mom and a bad worker. I cannot stop working now, especially in this economy. Usually I love my job...

Help!
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#2 of 9 Old 03-25-2009, 01:57 PM
 
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*sigh* This sounds so familiar...

In my experience with nannies, I have several thoughts on this issue:

First, there really isn't much you can do to change someone's personality and lifestyle preferences. People are who they are and you can tell them until you are blue in the face that you want them to do X, Y, and Z, and they just won't "get it". If you have been concerned about something in a nanny for at least 2-3 months, then it will probably NOT change.

Second, it is hard to get a *perfect* match. There will always be something about a nanny that won't be exactly what you want. And you have to learn to figure out what are the most important things - AT THAT TIME. Because of the following (read on...)

Third, sometimes you have to get different nannies for different stages of a child's life. A nanny who was great with a newborn may not be great with a toddler... or a preschooler... or a school-age child.

In conclusion - I have no problem with the idea of having to let a nanny go because maybe she started out great, but the needs of the child/family changed and so the nanny needs to change as well.

Letting someone go because of these types of things is an honest sort of deal. You aren't telling someone they are "bad" or "wrong" or being "negligent". You are saying that "needs have changed" and you are looking for a different type of person now.
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#3 of 9 Old 03-25-2009, 02:31 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lovemykeiki View Post
*sigh* This sounds so familiar...

In my experience with nannies, I have several thoughts on this issue:

First, there really isn't much you can do to change someone's personality and lifestyle preferences. People are who they are and you can tell them until you are blue in the face that you want them to do X, Y, and Z, and they just won't "get it". If you have been concerned about something in a nanny for at least 2-3 months, then it will probably NOT change.

Second, it is hard to get a *perfect* match. There will always be something about a nanny that won't be exactly what you want. And you have to learn to figure out what are the most important things - AT THAT TIME. Because of the following (read on...)

Third, sometimes you have to get different nannies for different stages of a child's life. A nanny who was great with a newborn may not be great with a toddler... or a preschooler... or a school-age child.

In conclusion - I have no problem with the idea of having to let a nanny go because maybe she started out great, but the needs of the child/family changed and so the nanny needs to change as well.

Letting someone go because of these types of things is an honest sort of deal. You aren't telling someone they are "bad" or "wrong" or being "negligent". You are saying that "needs have changed" and you are looking for a different type of person now.
Agreed!

trekkie.gifStudent Mama to:  C reading.gif  (9yrs old), R blahblah.gif (5yrs old), F  hammer.gif (3yrs old) and TTC baby.gif #4 since April 2009

 
  
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#4 of 9 Old 03-25-2009, 08:04 PM
 
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One of the things I found when we were interviewing nannies was that just because the person was generally nice didn't make her a good fit. It sounds like this isn't a good fit, and it's probably only going to get worse--not going outside, even when you ask her to? Wait until toddlerhood!

While there may be no "perfect" match out there, we *loved loved loved* our nanny. I think you can definitely find someone who's active and engaged and enthusiastic about spending time with your lo.
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#5 of 9 Old 03-25-2009, 08:20 PM
 
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It is is bothering you *and* you have talked about and she still doesn't do what you want then I think it is time to move on, as sad as it may be.

We let our nanny go that had been with us from age 3 months to 2 years because she couldn't (wouldn't) handle a high energy toddler. She was the PERFECT infant nanny-warm, nurturing, calm, soothing. Loved to sing lullabies and could read board books over and over. But run? jump? go the playground? well lets just say that the couch and her bum were the best of friends, LOL!

After a long talk and few scares with our son running towards the street and she unable to catch him we had to let her go. We gave her glowing referances and she ended with another newborn and was there for over 2 years before leaving to take care of her infant grandchild. They key is we talked about it and she was able to recognize her "weakeness".

Not sure if you have a contract/job description but it helped weed out potential couch potatoes. In ours we had listed that she needed to plan for least 2 hours of outside play everyday, 1 hour of interactive craft type play (cooking, baking, gardeing. making things with clay, dancing), at least 3 outings per week (library, museums, playgrounds, etc). We said no TV, limited screen time (was a 1/2 hour show, than 1 hour is now 2). These all created lots of talking points during the interview proccess!

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#6 of 9 Old 04-02-2009, 02:06 PM
 
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Wow, this thread describes exactly what we are going through! Our nanny was perfect for DS when he was a newborn, but she just really hasn't stepped up to handle him now that he's a super active toddler. I'm really torn as well because it's hard to find someone you can "trust" your child to, and I don't want to start the search over. Since I'm in the same boat I don't have advice, but this thread at least makes me feel better. Hugs to you all!

Kelly, wife to my wonderful DH , and mom to DS1 born 1/20/2008 and DS2 born 7/14/2010 by VBAC.
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#7 of 9 Old 04-02-2009, 02:22 PM
 
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i'm going to come at this from a different angle and say that WAH with a nanny doing the childcare NEVER did work for me. i tried this when DD was younger, since i have no office (i'm a grad student) and it didn't make sense for me to work anywhere but home. i could never ever focus because as soon as i heard a peep out of her, i was completely off my game.

i know she cries at daycare. she sometimes falls and gets boo-boos. i know she tantrums because she does that at home. but i trust them to take care of her, and i know she will be as safe there as she would with me (if not safer; they babyproofed a lot better than i did!).

point being, it might be time for you to consider a daycare setting, or a sitter who watches DD in their home. no matter how great my sitters were (and i had one who was truly wonderful), i could never WAH with DD there.

just my .02, of course--YMMV!

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#8 of 9 Old 04-02-2009, 02:43 PM
 
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Originally Posted by readytobedone View Post
i'm going to come at this from a different angle and say that WAH with a nanny doing the childcare NEVER did work for me. i tried this when DD was younger, since i have no office (i'm a grad student) and it didn't make sense for me to work anywhere but home. i could never ever focus because as soon as i heard a peep out of her, i was completely off my game.

i know she cries at daycare. she sometimes falls and gets boo-boos. i know she tantrums because she does that at home. but i trust them to take care of her, and i know she will be as safe there as she would with me (if not safer; they babyproofed a lot better than i did!).

point being, it might be time for you to consider a daycare setting, or a sitter who watches DD in their home. no matter how great my sitters were (and i had one who was truly wonderful), i could never WAH with DD there.

just my .02, of course--YMMV!
I kindof agree with this. It would be hard to work at home with my child there, and I (if I were a nanny) would feel strange taking care of someone's child if I knew I was being watched.
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#9 of 9 Old 04-02-2009, 02:49 PM
 
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you let your nanny use a laptop while she's working???? i mean if the baby is asleep, its fine, but while the baby is awake?? she is there to be with your child when you can't - to play, to care for it and so on, not to use laptop!!!

i used to babysit ... well, more like be a nanny coz i was there for at least 6 hrs a day... and my experience shows that you have to follow the child. you can expect the child to follow you (meaning the nanny) ... and if your nanny is unwilling to tailor her "style" to what the baby needs/wants, i think its time to let her go... i understand that it sucks to fire people, but otherwise neither you nor your baby will be happy.

another thing is that no, your baby doesnt cry all the time because she wants you to be with her 24/7... i mean its a part of it, but i think she is BORED with the nanny she doesnt like and the one that doesnt want to make an effort. when i was babysitting at least one of the parents was always at home and while at times children did want to go see mommy or daddy NOW, there are always ways to keep them busy and take their mind off it - go outside, start a project, dance, play hide and seek... a zillion things to try!!!!
i think your nanny is just lazy... and if i were you, i d find somebody else soon...
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