Daycare guilt. - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 12 Old 09-18-2009, 12:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I miss my DD.

She is in full time daycare now and I only get to see her for about 45 minutes in the morning and 2 hours MAX in the evening 5 days a week.

I feel like such a horrible mother, even though i know i'm not doing anything wrong. I can't help but feel like she is being raised by the day care and somehow my role in her life is no longer important or significant. Logically i know this isn't true, but it sure feels that way none the less.

Technically I am home 2 days a week but I use those days for studying, homework, keeping my business running, and all other errands. I know as the semester gets further along I will definitely not be able to give that time up.

Sigh.
i guess im just very worried her bond with me is going to deteriorate and i will be less special and important to her.

: feminist mama to DD 04/08
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#2 of 12 Old 09-18-2009, 12:39 PM
 
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I couldn't read and not send you a . You are NOT a horrible mother. You will always be special and important to your DD, no matter how many hours a day you spend with her.

Me treehugger.gif+ Him eat.gif + DD flower.gif + DSS1 guitar.gif + DSS2 REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif

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#3 of 12 Old 09-18-2009, 12:48 PM
 
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I know how you feel.

Momma to DD (12/04) hearts.gif and DS (11/09) hbac.gif.
I survived 16 mos! Ask me about breastfeeding a baby with posterior tongue tie, high palate, and weak oral motor skills- whew!

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#4 of 12 Old 09-18-2009, 12:51 PM
 
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Hey, do the math here a bit.

Total hours in the week: 168
Total waking hours (assuming 12 sleep hours a day): 84
Total hours you are spending weekdays according to your post: 13.75
Total hours on weekend: 24
Total of her waking hours you are spending together as a percentage: 45%

Now that might not sound like a lot but consider whether the following are things you were really enjoying before:
- time spent getting her to nap
- time spent cleaning up with her around you (not totally lost time, but not focused time)
- time spent worrying about money/life
- time spent watching TV
- time spent at playgroups, classes, and even on the playground (does it matter if it's always you who takes her?)
- at the end of the day were you "just making it through" or still connecting?

For us I know I gained the time after about 5 pm back as "really glad to be with my son" time rather than "just barely making it" time.

Hugs!

~ Mum to Emily, March 12-16 2004, Noah, born Aug 2005, Liam, born January 2011, and wife to Carl since 1994. ~
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#5 of 12 Old 09-18-2009, 12:56 PM
 
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You're not a horrible mother and you're certainly not alone in how you feel. It's completely normal! My DS is 3.5 and I miss him every second of the day, but look forward to the end of the day, the morning time and the weekends that we have together!! It makes them that more special to us and our bond is nothing less than perfect, if you ask me. He loves his mama and I love and adore him more than I could ever imagine. The same will be with baby #2.

One happy mama to 1/06 , 3/10 , and married to my best friend
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#6 of 12 Old 09-18-2009, 01:44 PM
 
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For me I have to tell myself that guilt is a useless emotion in this situation. I can miss my DS and be sad about it, but I cannot feel guilty about it because we are doing what works best for OUR family. It is much easier to miss him and be sad to not spend all my time with him then to feel guilt.

I also try to focus on the good things about working and about my bond with my son then the time I am not with him. He has also started to smile and reach for me when I walk into daycare and that shows me he knows who mom is and that I am here for him.

Mama to DS (03/09) and DD (10/11) and married to the love of my life

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#7 of 12 Old 09-18-2009, 01:56 PM
 
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I really like GuildJenn's post. That's how I've started to look at it too. The time after we get home from work and daycare is spent just being together as a family. We try to leave the TV off and do something fun before bed. The weekends are spent hanging out. DS is 27 months and has been in daycare since he was 12 weeks old. It was hard at times to leave him, but he has always known we were his parents. He loves going to daycare and seeing his friends, and he loves when I go pick him up.

Kirsten, mama to Monkey since May 2007 and Bean born 11/7/09
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#8 of 12 Old 09-18-2009, 01:59 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GuildJenn View Post
Total of her waking hours you are spending together as a percentage: 45%

Now that might not sound like a lot but consider whether the following are things you were really enjoying before:
- time spent getting her to nap
- time spent cleaning up with her around you (not totally lost time, but not focused time)
- time spent worrying about money/life
- time spent watching TV
- time spent at playgroups, classes, and even on the playground (does it matter if it's always you who takes her?)
- at the end of the day were you "just making it through" or still connecting?

For us I know I gained the time after about 5 pm back as "really glad to be with my son" time rather than "just barely making it" time.

Hugs!
guildjen...you are wise in the way of the statistical analysis



I feel the same way. When I'm taking the subway from work to DD's daycare, I SO look forward to hugging her tightly, to nursing her right there, to seeing her *run* towards me with open arms...and in the evening, I'm just reminded of how awesome she is.

Working FT and putting DD in daycare has made me appreciate spending time with her more.
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#9 of 12 Old 09-18-2009, 04:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you all for your replies.

i know i'm not the only one who feels this way and it's nice to have that backed up some times. I also know this IS what is best for us right now. Logically it all makes sense but sometimes it still pains me that things arent quite ideal and that i do miss out more than i'd like.

it will all be ok, i'm sure.

I am now going to get DD early from daycare since i cleared up a bit of extra time.

: feminist mama to DD 04/08
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#10 of 12 Old 09-18-2009, 05:13 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by busymama77 View Post
You're not a horrible mother and you're certainly not alone in how you feel. It's completely normal! My DS is 3.5 and I miss him every second of the day, but look forward to the end of the day, the morning time and the weekends that we have together!! It makes them that more special to us and our bond is nothing less than perfect, if you ask me. He loves his mama and I love and adore him more than I could ever imagine. The same will be with baby #2.
I couldn't agree more! Except for the baby #2 part, DS is an only child

Julie, proud graduate of the AOW 3 year program in the study of boobology . Me : + DH : = Super Bubba !
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#11 of 12 Old 09-18-2009, 07:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2xshy View Post
i guess im just very worried her bond with me is going to deteriorate and i will be less special and important to her.
Not going to happen. That bond is WAY stronger than you think. Trust it.

mama.

professor & maman de DS1 (6) & DS2 (1)

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#12 of 12 Old 09-19-2009, 08:32 AM
 
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When I pick up both my children, after they have been in daycare from 7am to 430 or 5pm, they both get HUGE smiles on their faces and coming running (or scooting) towards me as fast as they can. I look forward to that everyday, and it makes hte "guilt" feeling disipate.
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