Mental sharpness and doing well in the work place - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 127 Old 03-17-2010, 02:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by major_mama11 View Post
That is Nice, I know a couple of Aspies quite well, and the list-making behavior does sound very much like something that one of them would do. Although not keeping a list of his wife's "wrongdoings", more like random trivia!

I am sorry that your husband is being so unsupportive- I hope that you can find a solution that works.
Thank you. Yes, the list making is just one of my reasons for thinking - possibly, maybe, perhaps, I just don't know for sure - that DH has Asperger's.

He has a lot of yeses when you look at the list of signs. List making is one of them. The eye contact is another.
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#122 of 127 Old 03-17-2010, 02:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I haven't read all the posts. I'll only chime in to say that my sister's son was diagnosed with asperger's and the more she learned about him, the more she saw symptoms and signs in her own husband, who was a UAV. It took a long separation and counseling for them to compatibly live together, and now he has a job in which he is traveling often, and it rather works out for them. The biggest change was in my sister, not him. She finally realized that she didn't have to just take it. She didn't divorce for religious reasons and also probably for religious reasons was rather submissive to him, but after the separation, she proved to herself that she could do it on her own with good success. After the separation, he finally realizes that marriages mean listening in both directions, (which due to the possible Asp, he doesn't do all the time, but at least with a bit more frequency) and that she wasn't always going to back down. The biggest problem is that he just doesn't get social cues, but also that he didn't ever feel repercussions for his actions. After the separation, he realized there were repercussions and no amount of manipulating was going to fix it.

Honestly - IDK how she could have gotten through those years as a WOHM in a science field, mom to 3 within 4 years including the one with Asperger's, separated near divorce, and back again (and a million other things), if my mom hadn't been there for her as a solid reliable rock and helper and because she works for the state, she had amazing leave and other benefits and a union behind her.

To me a marriage is about partnership - and if you are not getting partnership on all levels, then you need to find a way to change that dynamic, not just for you, but for your kids, because they learn what is acceptable in a relationship from your partnership. If you can't do that - if you have reached a point in your relationship that you feel you cannot stand up for yourself or communicate and change the dynamic yourself - then I always recommend counseling, individual and/or joint and a bit of counselor shopping because not all are created equal.

Personal issues at home can always affect work performance, so while some of it may be kids - there is a huge difference in recovery time IMO between a mom who is expected to do it all and a mom who has equal partnership support.

Thank you for posting. Your sister's husband sounds so much like my DH. Did your sister's husband ever end up with a diagnosis? Did they see a counselor who specialized in adults with Asperger's?
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#123 of 127 Old 03-17-2010, 02:59 PM
 
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no - he had a hard enough time accepting that label for his son, IDK if my sister has even ever told HIM that she thinks he has asperger's. And I am not privledged to the details of their counseling. But they did have to try a few couselor's to find one that could help. I think we as a community are recognizing adult asperger's more, and hopefully finding help will be easier.

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#124 of 127 Old 03-17-2010, 04:00 PM
 
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Sometimes you just have to settle for good enough - by which I mean you might have to leave him in a way that involves a small amount of hardship for your child (although I don't think staying means no hardship, if you see what I mean) and some financial struggle. But staying involves its own set of struggles. If my husband called me white trash and was keeping a list on me, well, I'd prefer to deal with a bad FICO score or whatever personally. At least there the rules are clear and impersonal.


TIN, perhaps you might want to ask some of your questions about financial stability on the Single Moms board. Just to get more information. Information never hurts.

Me, DH, DD1 (5/2009) and DD2 (10/2011).
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#125 of 127 Old 03-17-2010, 08:06 PM
 
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Hi! I just want to say good luck and I wish you the best!

Thanks so much for posting! And best of luck to you! I hope you can come back and post about your experience and offer more insight. Thanks so much!
Thanks! And good luck to you too, sounds like you have a lot going on. Hugs.

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#126 of 127 Old 03-17-2010, 11:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sometimes you just have to settle for good enough - by which I mean you might have to leave him in a way that involves a small amount of hardship for your child (although I don't think staying means no hardship, if you see what I mean) and some financial struggle. But staying involves its own set of struggles. If my husband called me white trash and was keeping a list on me, well, I'd prefer to deal with a bad FICO score or whatever personally. At least there the rules are clear and impersonal.
I do think about this. A lot.

It's not so much the FICO score as poverty. I don't want to wind up in poverty again, having grown up in extreme poverty where the cupboards were bare most of the time and there was frost on the wall in winter. It was a miserable existence.

And I know that people will say it's not right to raise my child in this environment with my husband, but who's to say my husband wouldn't get at least joint custody?

I really have to figure this out in a way that isn't going to cast us into poverty.

I always did well when I could work full time, and when I wasn't paying day care. But wages have simply not kept pace. I'm making pretty close to what I made 10 years ago. And prices have skyrocketed, and, yes, the bubble has stopped but my money doesn't go as far as it did 10 years ago, and I didn't have day care expenses then. Everything is harder now. The world has changed.

My job currently is part time (professional and fairly good pay, but part time). There is no opportunity for full time in the immediate future due to funding. So, to move to full time, I either have to leave or wait.

I have been looking, and if I relocate, the pay is much better. But, of course, DH is very opposed, and very vocal in his opposition to such things, and then there is the issue of the house, which I've been trying to sell for quite a while.

If it were 10 years ago, and my house could sell like houses did back then, and my money stretched as far as it did back then, it would be so much different.

But, I've run the numbers, I've looked for apartments, I've tried to sell my house, and I've been working. And there's just no easy answer.

I feel so uneasy. I have a lot of nightmares about homelessness. Well, not so much nightmares, but feelings of despair and dread because I've thought and thought about solutions and I just feel trapped in this recession and in a place where my parenting responsibilities and my parenting expenses (daycare, etc) exceed the time I can work full time in my field which requires many meetings and travel and what I can earn where I live now. It's really discouraging, but I'm sure something positive will come along...I just need to keep looking.
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#127 of 127 Old 03-19-2010, 06:17 PM
 
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That Is Nice

Please forgive my intrusion - I'm subbing to come back and read this thread - there's some great posts in here.

wash.gif  Me  + bikenew.gif Dh =  broc1.gif  Dd1(9 yrs) + hearts.gif  Dd2(6 yrs) and blowkiss.gif Ds(3.5 yrs)
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