traveling for work, and, well, my downright stress-causing husband - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 72 Old 04-11-2010, 10:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I really like you, TIN. You're well spoken (well, written), a sweet caring person, a good mom, and you really think things through. I wish your husband cherished you the way you should be cherished.

To add to your survey, my husband has never used those words in anger. Those words are even part of our vocabulary (in a mock-horror kind of way) but not part of our anger/fighting vocab.
Thank you. Thank you for that nice compliment. I love writing. It's always been a strength of mine since I was in grade school and something I enjoyed. It's definitely suffered in quality since having a baby. My spelling, grammar, creativity has gone down the hill.

Off topic, but I always, always wanted to be an English teacher. I loved English and grammar classes in school. Loved them. Got all A's from grade school through college. Loved literature. Loved speech. Loved diagramming sentences even.

I didn't go into English, though. And I didn't go into teaching. I really regret that in a lot of ways.
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#62 of 72 Old 04-13-2010, 05:18 AM
 
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I didn't read the whole thread thoroughly but it seems to me there are four basic possibilities when someone is obsessively and consistently unwilling to to take time off: 1) They feel compelled to hoard their time for worst case scenarios (e.g.: death or family crisis), 2) They are afraid to because of the economy, 3) They aren't good at time management and don't have their work flow sufficiently under control that they feel comfortable being out for awhile; to the point that they are afraid management will become aware of how far behind they are, or 4) Worst case scenario, they are actually engaging in some sort of behavior that they need to be at work to keep it from being discovered. (e.g.: theft or embezzlement).

I was inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt until I read several more of your posts and got the impression that he's selfish.

If he is buying stuff for himself, especially more expensive stuff I find myself wondering if he is hoarding this time for himself as well. Do you know how much time he is entitled to? Do you know what happens to his unused time?

Is it possible he's taking some time here or there for a little "me" time without you knowing about it and/or that he's cashing in his unused time at the end of the year? Which might explain why he can afford to buy stuff for himself.

It sounds like you're in a tough spot and that unless and until he begins to appreciate that once you factor in travel time that you are in fact working full time. And that you do have a work ethic, you're just tired and deserve some support but that he is comfortable having you keeping things humming along.

~Cath
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#63 of 72 Old 04-13-2010, 08:19 AM
 
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I didn't read the whole thread thoroughly but it seems to me there are four basic possibilities when someone is obsessively and consistently unwilling to to take time off: 1) They feel compelled to hoard their time for worst case scenarios (e.g.: death or family crisis), 2) They are afraid to because of the economy, 3) They aren't good at time management and don't have their work flow sufficiently under control that they feel comfortable being out for awhile; to the point that they are afraid management will become aware of how far behind they are, or 4) Worst case scenario, they are actually engaging in some sort of behavior that they need to be at work to keep it from being discovered. (e.g.: theft or embezzlement).
I agree, but there are other possibilities. There are work cultures that are pretty cowboy (some areas of IT come to mind) where there is a LOT of peer pressure to stay on the job long hours and not take time off.

~ Mum to Emily, March 12-16 2004, Noah, born Aug 2005, Liam, born January 2011, and wife to Carl since 1994. ~
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#64 of 72 Old 04-13-2010, 09:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I didn't read the whole thread thoroughly but it seems to me there are four basic possibilities when someone is obsessively and consistently unwilling to to take time off: 1) They feel compelled to hoard their time for worst case scenarios (e.g.: death or family crisis), 2) They are afraid to because of the economy, 3) They aren't good at time management and don't have their work flow sufficiently under control that they feel comfortable being out for awhile; to the point that they are afraid management will become aware of how far behind they are, or 4) Worst case scenario, they are actually engaging in some sort of behavior that they need to be at work to keep it from being discovered. (e.g.: theft or embezzlement).

I was inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt until I read several more of your posts and got the impression that he's selfish.

If he is buying stuff for himself, especially more expensive stuff I find myself wondering if he is hoarding this time for himself as well. Do you know how much time he is entitled to? Do you know what happens to his unused time?

Is it possible he's taking some time here or there for a little "me" time without you knowing about it and/or that he's cashing in his unused time at the end of the year? Which might explain why he can afford to buy stuff for himself.

It sounds like you're in a tough spot and that unless and until he begins to appreciate that once you factor in travel time that you are in fact working full time. And that you do have a work ethic, you're just tired and deserve some support but that he is comfortable having you keeping things humming along.

~Cath
I have thought more than once that I should check DH's vacation balances at work, but I simply don't have the time and I don't have the inclination, really.

Yes, DH is very miserly with his time off for the reasons you quoted above except 4. He's afraid of the economy, but then he always has been, even in the times of economic expansion. DH has never done that well, economically, at work. He's always been sort of middle of the road on reviews, raises, etc even when times were good. I also think he is slow at work with getting things done. I know that he sits and listens to his iPod and he takes his sweet time doing thing. There's never been a fire for DH. That's his approach to life. He takes his sweet time with EVERYTHING. What's the hurry?

So, yeah, given his demeanor and attitude, I think the reason he works late all the time and saves his time is because he's a bit of a slacker. He likes to take it easy. He'll get the work done, but if it takes him 10 hours instead of 8, that's OK with him.

Also, the biggest part is he likes routine. And he doesn't like uncomfortable situations. For him, asking his boss or telling his boss he's taking time off, especially when he'll miss a meeting is too uncomfortable for DH.

And he has meetings all the time (who doesn't?). So DH always thinks he can't take time off.

But it's also like Guild Jenn said. Some cultures are like that. I know that men who take paternity leave where DH works are openly mocked. And men who use a lot of sick leave for their family and kids are also mocked for not being diligent and on the ball employees.

So, that certainly plays into this heavily. DH is a go with the flow kind of guy at work. He's not going to take sick leave if none of the other people are and people who do are made fun of.
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#65 of 72 Old 04-13-2010, 09:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I agree, but there are other possibilities. There are work cultures that are pretty cowboy (some areas of IT come to mind) where there is a LOT of peer pressure to stay on the job long hours and not take time off.
Thanks. Yes, this is a big part of it. This is definitely happening where DH works.

For some, that might be a motivator to look for another job, right? Not DH. He loves routine. He avoids change. If he gets laid off, he might look for a job, but other than that, he'd think it was just too much hassle to look for a job, do his resume, and interview. I've been down that road with DH.
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#66 of 72 Old 04-13-2010, 10:00 AM
 
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Im still amazed that you refer to him as DH.
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#67 of 72 Old 04-13-2010, 10:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Im still amazed that you refer to him as DH.
Oh, abbreviation only! Only on MDC. Never in real life. I never say to a friend or co-worker, "And do you know, my dear husband did x, y, or z."

No, he's not very dear, as you can probably tell.
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#68 of 72 Old 04-13-2010, 01:22 PM
 
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Im still amazed that you refer to him as DH
.

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Oh, abbreviation only! Only on MDC. Never in real life. I never say to a friend or co-worker, "And do you know, my dear husband did x, y, or z."

No, he's not very dear, as you can probably tell.

There are lots of other words that start with "D".

I couldn't find the whistling/innocent smilie so this one will have to do.

~Cath
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#69 of 72 Old 04-13-2010, 02:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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.




There are lots of other words that start with "D".

I couldn't find the whistling/innocent smilie so this one will have to do.

~Cath


Very true. Very true. (And I've thought them, I'm sure).
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#70 of 72 Old 04-13-2010, 04:49 PM
 
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Very true. Very true. (And I've thought them, I'm sure).
uppp, I just thought of one. OPP, theres another one. teehee
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#71 of 72 Old 07-01-2010, 07:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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uppp, I just thought of one. OPP, theres another one. teehee
Hi Barbie64g,

Thanks so much for the PM. That was really thoughtful and so appreciated. I haven't logged in for quite a while, and don't have much time to post anymore since I've increased my hours at work and am working on improving things. Things are pretty much the same, otherwise.

Thanks so much! Have a good day!
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#72 of 72 Old 07-01-2010, 07:56 PM
 
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Hi Barbie64g,

Thanks so much for the PM. That was really thoughtful and so appreciated. I haven't logged in for quite a while, and don't have much time to post anymore since I've increased my hours at work and am working on improving things. Things are pretty much the same, otherwise.

Thanks so much! Have a good day!
Congratulations on being able to do that!
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