What would you to a MIL who says she can not visit very often because you work? - Page 7 - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-12-2010, 07:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would like to ask the moderator to please remove this thread. I will PM them in a minute.

It seems people have followed threads from one forum to another to continue to post their same opinions from a thread that was closed.

I respect all opinions, and thank people for the responses, but this thread originally was posted in Parents as Partners, which has more restricted access on MDC, and then was moved to this forum.

Some people are getting very passionate about their responses and I don't know that this thread rises to that level.

Thanks.
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Old 08-12-2010, 07:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
I would like to ask the moderator to please remove this thread. I will PM them in a minute.

It seems people have followed threads from one forum to another to continue to post their same opinions from a thread that was closed.

I respect all opinions, and thank people for the responses, but this thread originally was posted in Parents as Partners, which has more restricted access on MDC, and then was moved to this forum.

Some people are getting very passionate about their responses and I don't know that this thread rises to that level.

Thanks.
If many people are giving you the same opinion perhaps its time to consider it? If you only want to hear opinions that are the same as your own why are you bothering to post for feedback and opinions????
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Old 08-12-2010, 08:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If many people are giving you the same opinion perhaps its time to consider it? If you only want to hear opinions that are the same as your own why are you bothering to post for feedback and opinions????
Good Lord.

Many people are not giving me the same opinion. That isn't the issue. In fact, I got a lot of private messages yesterday from people saying they understand and they were surprised by the ferocity of some of the responses.

What my problem is is that people were talking about other threads of mine and asking for links and then giving directions on how to find them, and I guess - in my opinion - it's fine to post on a thread if you find it or know the MDC member or often post in that forum, but having people say "look at this" and "look at that" and here, you can read more of the drama here...just doesn't seem that nice or like people wanted to be helpful.

So, that is why I'd like this thread removed.

And to answer a few questions:

I don't hate MIL. A lot of wrong assumptions are being lofted about. MIL does have a place to sleep when she comes (an air mattress) which is what MIL provides us when we have visited her. MIL has stuff to eat. I mean, some of this is just over the top. I have done a lot for MIL and FIL and I've been very, very nice and very, very accommodating to them for years and years. There are lots of other wrong assumptions out there and I wish people would take as much time to read the thread as they seem to be taking to direct people to other information about me. I hope this isn't common practice on MDC.

Thanks.
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Old 08-12-2010, 08:08 PM
 
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You didn't answer my earlier question: what exactly do you do for them that you feel entitled to such lavish attention to them? We already know that you don't provide a place for them to sleep (and I know that my parents are not as young as they once were, and an air mattress on the floor is not something that they would be comfortable sleeping on), familiar food for them to eat, or even a couch for them to sit on. That when they visit, you demand that they buy you things and that you micromanage their schedule with demands. When they do buy your son presents, you are ungrateful to the point where you send them back.

Is there something else that you do do for them which would make them want to spend time with you? If the answer is no, then respectfully I have to say that I think it's pretty obvious why they don't want to visit you for overnight stays.

Trying to live a simple life in a messy house in a complicated world with : DH, DD (b. 07/07), DS (b. 02/09), and DD (b. 10/10)
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Old 08-12-2010, 08:22 PM
 
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I have not actually read any old threads of yours. I happen to frequent working moms, because I am a working mom; childhood years, because I have a five year old; you will find me in single parenting; sometimes parents are partners even though I don't have a live in partner; parenting; and occasionally other areas depending on whats going on in my life. My comments and opinions are coming from whatever is in the thread I am posting in. Trust me, I am not following you around nor am I spending my time researching your history, there is plenty of info in each thread to form an opinion.
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Old 08-12-2010, 08:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You didn't answer my earlier question: what exactly do you do for them that you feel entitled to such lavish attention to them? We already know that you don't provide a place for them to sleep (and I know that my parents are not as young as they once were, and an air mattress on the floor is not something that they would be comfortable sleeping on), familiar food for them to eat, or even a couch for them to sit on. That when they visit, you demand that they buy you things and that you micromanage their schedule with demands. When they do buy your son presents, you are ungrateful to the point where you send them back.

Is there something else that you do do for them which would make them want to spend time with you? If the answer is no, then respectfully I have to say that I think it's pretty obvious why they don't want to visit you for overnight stays.
OK.

But a quick clarification: I don't demand things and I don't micro-manage their schedule.

To answer your questions:

One, I'm not looking for lavish attention. I am looking for them to show the same attention to my son as they do for their other grandchildren, the same age. It is very, very lopsided and has been for years. I do have a very nice place for MIL to sleep and I have always put out fresh sheets, blankets and pillows for her and go to the grocery store before her visit and get good things (just not meat) and usually I order pizza or other take-out for her and she chooses what she wants. More often than not, DH and I pay for it.

Two, what have I done for them.

I send them pictures of their grandchild, and lots of information on what is going on in their grandchild's life.

I used to send lots of cards (for things like Father's Day/Mother's Day, etc). For years. I send them art projects from school, drawings, etc.

I invite them for field trips, for birthday parties, for playgroups. For holidays. For visits in general. I always extend the invitation to them both.

I always offer to pay for things like take-out, pizza we order, the admission to places we go. More often than not, DH and I do pay.

I take MIL out for lunch, and pay. I take MIL out for coffee, and pay.

I ask what they would like to do first. I ask for their ideas about agendas. What would you like to do? What do you enjoy? Oh, I don't know. Whatever is fine is always the reply. But they always say it's a problem or snipe about it after the fact.

I used to buy them gifts, special ones, from their grandchild - keepsakes, personalized things, special and meaningful books, framed photos, grandparent journals, etc. I made a real effort on that kind of stuff for about 4 years (my child is only 4.5).

I have gone to visit them when they've requested over the years: holidays, Mother's Day, if they have relatives in town, family reunions.

I've not complained and agreed it was necessary when DH had to go to their house, use his very limited vacation from work, and help them when they've had a few emergencies and other episodes. We're the only relatives close, and we do that for them and have for years. Granted, they don't ask for help often but when they have, we've been the family to do it.

I reached out to MIL and helped in every way DH asked me to and which I felt was appropriate without overstepping my bounds when MIL's mother passed away. We stayed with them, sent cards, called on the phone. That's what family does.

When I go to MIL's house, I put up with their smoking and their lack of a guest room, and the tv being on loud into the night in the same room they set up the air mattress for me, DH, and DS. The last time the tv blared all night and other family members were watching it and DS (3 at the time) stayed up until 1 a.m. crying. I try to overlook things when at their house, within reason.

I've tried to give MIL and FIL as much information to make things they don't understand as easy on them as possible.

I don't know there's probably more.

In return, I am asking that they be fair and spend an equivalent amount of time and money on DS as they do on their other two grandchildren the same age who happen to live much further away.

I hope that answers your questions.
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