Bad feeling about nanny/sitter... update post #44 - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 56 Old 10-22-2010, 04:36 PM
 
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I would look for a new sitter. She sounds extremely unprofessional (asking to be paid early, texting to "call" in??"

She sounds like she's in it for all the wrong reasons. Wants easy money for little work instead of loving children.
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#32 of 56 Old 10-22-2010, 04:48 PM
 
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I dont think your clear answer is daycare if your DS isnt going to thrive in daycare. I think your clear answer is finding a new sitter that is more in line with your beliefs and who you can make a clear payment arrangment with. Also important, the sitter knowing that it is completely inappropriate to TEXT to say you arent coming to your job. Have you thought about posting in your tribe to see if anyone is interested in child care?

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#33 of 56 Old 10-22-2010, 05:36 PM
 
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I'm sorry I don't want to be negative,but I don't think she's planning to come in on Monday. I think maybe you need to let her know she won't be needed next week at all. This way you know for sure she won't be there and you have a little time to arrange something rather then struggle Monday morning.

It sounds like she's decided that if she doesn't get paid what she wants then she's not going to work for you anymore and she's not giving you notice.

Did you have any written contract with her? It's a good idea to have this so that things are clear and everyone knows what everything means.

For nannies and other "domestic" workers we don't normally get paid by the minute like you would at a company where you clock in. It's pretty normal to arrive a few minutes early or leave a few minutes late,like 5 minutes or so and not get paid. A nanny shouldn't expect to be paid once the parents come home if SHE decides to stay longer to chat and show you pictures of her dog or whatever. Also some parents get stuck in traffic and come home late. When this happens I'd expect to be paid if it's 15 minutes or more. I'll add that extra 15 minutes to my pay at the end of the week.

As for taxes,well that depends one each nanny and family and what you both agree on. Legally you both need to declare taxes. Some people don't mind and do cash only and no paper work. Some families will pay the nannies taxes and some will expect the nanny to declare at the end of the year. It sounds like maybe you agreed to pay her a certain amount and she's wanting that amount and not the amount it comes out to after taxes. That's not your problem though.

Did you interview other nannies? Maybe you can call one of them to come in for next week for a trial period. A lot of families and nannies have a trial period before they make a longer term contract. Trials can last a week or 4 weeks,whatever works for you both. Little problems can be worked out during that time.
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#34 of 56 Old 10-22-2010, 11:33 PM
 
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Wow texmati I wish I could give you an afternoon's break. That's a lot.

For me the takeaway is - your instincts are good. It's fine to have a trial period. I wouldn't continue with this caregiver...mostly over the cancelling but everything else is weird too.

I don't think it was an interview issue. Sometimes you just don't know.

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#35 of 56 Old 10-23-2010, 03:20 PM
 
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I just wanted to ask if you'd considered daycare? Have you looked around to see if you find one you like and are comfortable with? There may be lots of options, and you might be surprised. I have an unusual situation, but my ds is in a daycare that is in my school, and he LOVES it, and so do I. One thing I really like about it is that its very convenient, and its also incredibly reliable - they don't close or call in!!

I would definitely start your search for a new nanny ASAP though - as in yesterday.

ETA - I just saw your other post about daycare being the clear answer - and before you jump to conclusions about him not thriving, go visit one! Or 5 is more likely. Go check them out, interview them, WITH ds - he'll be the one that will know best if he likes it or not. And, then, IF you decide on that, give him 2-3 weeks to settle in without you being there. He might surprise you! My ds started daycare when he was 12months, and he LOVES it!! He loves the other kids, and he loves his caregivers. I know some people have bad experiences with it, but that might not be you.

Lastly, theres no harm in looking around.
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#36 of 56 Old 10-23-2010, 04:35 PM
 
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Ouch on the spd. I had that with my last pregnancy, and it's flaring this time around too. My chiropractor has helped a ton, but I'm sure that's a long shot with your schedule!

I wish I was there! I'd come help. . . have you thought about asking if your mom or even (shudder, I know) MIL could come for a few days?
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#37 of 56 Old 10-25-2010, 02:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just wanted to update. First off, I really want to thank everyone for taking the time to post.

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Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post
I dont think your clear answer is daycare if your DS isnt going to thrive in daycare. I think your clear answer is finding a new sitter that is more in line with your beliefs and who you can make a clear payment arrangment with. Also important, the sitter knowing that it is completely inappropriate to TEXT to say you arent coming to your job. Have you thought about posting in your tribe to see if anyone is interested in child care?
I think I did have a post in FYT quite a bit ago. i do admit to very much preferring someone who didn't have strong opinions on child care. I feel I just got out from under living with my MIL, and I'm very on my guard about bringing in someone older. My mom is constantly telling my about so-and so's mom (so 3 gen's up from my son), who would sit for him, but I just really dont want to get back in that kind of dynamic.

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Originally Posted by MamitaM View Post
I'm sorry I don't want to be negative,but I don't think she's planning to come in on Monday.
It turns out her dad was in a car wreck. It does seem a little convenient with her asking to get paid early. But who would lie about something like that? Apparently, he's still in the hospital post op, and she's back to work today. Thanks for the info about not being paid for those 'little minutes'. I"m going to have a conversation with her today about that plus the pay.

At the same time, maybe I'm just asking for it. The old nanny was great with DS, not so great about cleaning up after herself or DS, and never, (I mean never) came on time. We should have known when she was consistently late the first week.

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Wow texmati I wish I could give you an afternoon's break. That's a lot.
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Originally Posted by mamaofprincesses View Post
Ouch on the spd. I had that with my last pregnancy, and it's flaring this time around too. My chiropractor has helped a ton, but I'm sure that's a long shot with your schedule!

I wish I was there! I'd come help. . . have you thought about asking if your mom or even (shudder, I know) MIL could come for a few days?
Thanks you two! I really, really, really should not complain as much as I do. I am, very lucky to have parents and family and a great husband. I do have help, it just seems everything comes with strings. Not horrible strings, but exhausting strings. I just need to suck it up and ask for more help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by thyra View Post
I just wanted to ask if you'd considered daycare? Have you looked around to see if you find one you like and are comfortable with? There may be lots of options, and you might be surprised. I have an unusual situation, but my ds is in a daycare that is in my school, and he LOVES it, and so do I. One thing I really like about it is that its very convenient, and its also incredibly reliable - they don't close or call in!!
I agree that there is no harm looking around. I was reading your post and nodding... until I realized the main reason making the decscion to keep ds in day care was difficult. DH works from home. It's really hard to give up being able to see your kiddo for lunch or breaks or what have you. And it gives me peace of mind knowing that my husband would at least know if ds was screaming bloody murder. Reliable care out of our home woudl really be ideal for a year or so more at least.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

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#38 of 56 Old 10-25-2010, 02:43 PM
 
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Originally Posted by texmati View Post
I agree that there is no harm looking around. I was reading your post and nodding... until I realized the main reason making the decscion to keep ds in day care was difficult. DH works from home. It's really hard to give up being able to see your kiddo for lunch or breaks or what have you. And it gives me peace of mind knowing that my husband would at least know if ds was screaming bloody murder. Reliable care out of our home woudl really be ideal for a year or so more at least.
Yeah, I know that in home care is ideal, and it would be difficult for your DH to give up seeing ds around the house.

However, given how much trouble you're having with nanny's, could you come to a compromise on how long to keep "testing" different nannies? Try one more, 2 more, 3 more and then switch to out of home care? You could look at daycares during the testing phases with new sitters, there would be no rush to find one that had space available. If you found an amazing one you could possibly get on the waitlist - and then if you don't need it great! If you do, you'll have already found it and have it as an option.

As for peace of mind, I have great peace of mind knowing that my ds is in a great center, with great providers, and loves it there. It is right down the hall from my classes (since its located inside my law school), and I know that they would call me immediately if something were to happen, plus, I can stop in and talk to them during the day.

ETA - I also think in home care is ideal, but if it isn't working, something has to change. Whether thats the nanny you use (I would check references SUPER carefully next time), or the type of care you choose, you need reliable child care that allows you and your DH to get your work done.

I also just had a thought - you could do a childcare in the mornings, and a sitter in the afternoons? The sitter could pick him up from childcare maybe?? (I don't know if that would work - but its another idea to toss around)
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#39 of 56 Old 10-25-2010, 03:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by texmati View Post
It turns out her dad was in a car wreck. It does seem a little convenient with her asking to get paid early. But who would lie about something like that? Apparently, he's still in the hospital post op, and she's back to work today. Thanks for the info about not being paid for those 'little minutes'. I"m going to have a conversation with her today about that plus the pay.
Most people wouldn't but I've had the misfortune of meeting a few who would. It does seem a little convenient, as you say.
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#40 of 56 Old 10-25-2010, 10:48 PM
 
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she could have lied so that you wouldn't be mad at her for not showing up. did she come in today or go to another job she had?
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#41 of 56 Old 10-27-2010, 04:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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she could have lied so that you wouldn't be mad at her for not showing up. did she come in today or go to another job she had?
she's been coming in all week.

Due to an unfortunate shopping cart toppling incident on monday (I was alone, no ds), I stayed home on tuesday, yesterday and had a chance to observe her all day for the first time. With everyone else I've left dh with, i've done this for days.

TBH, she was a lot better with him than I expected. He's sleeping much better for her (2 hr naps), which make life a lot easier for everyone involved. During his nap, she swept, mopped, dissapeared the dishes in the sink to the dishwasher without us realizing, and did all the bottles. All without being asked.

DS still tries to follow me out of the house, and doesn't crawl all the way to the door when she rings the bell. With old sitter, he would be fighting me to be picked up by her, and not even look up when I left. I'm going to give it another week or two and see how it goes.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

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#42 of 56 Old 10-27-2010, 04:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thyra View Post
Yeah, I know that in home care is ideal, and it would be difficult for your DH to give up seeing ds around the house.

However, given how much trouble you're having with nanny's, could you come to a compromise on how long to keep "testing" different nannies? Try one more, 2 more, 3 more and then switch to out of home care? You could look at daycares during the testing phases with new sitters, there would be no rush to find one that had space available. If you found an amazing one you could possibly get on the waitlist - and then if you don't need it great! If you do, you'll have already found it and have it as an option.

As for peace of mind, I have great peace of mind knowing that my ds is in a great center, with great providers, and loves it there. It is right down the hall from my classes (since its located inside my law school), and I know that they would call me immediately if something were to happen, plus, I can stop in and talk to them during the day.

ETA - I also think in home care is ideal, but if it isn't working, something has to change. Whether thats the nanny you use (I would check references SUPER carefully next time), or the type of care you choose, you need reliable child care that allows you and your DH to get your work done.

I also just had a thought - you could do a childcare in the mornings, and a sitter in the afternoons? The sitter could pick him up from childcare maybe?? (I don't know if that would work - but its another idea to toss around)

First of, I should have clarified my statement about ideal care-- I meant our home based care would be ideal for our family. TBH, I think I'd feel very differently if DH was not home. I can definitely see advantages to a daycare situation beyond just scheduling/reliability.

That being said.... the part that I've bolded is what we'd be giving up by moving ds to a center. If had the option to have ds in the same building as me I'd take in a heart beat!

The other issue is that I"m pregnant. I have 13 more weeks of working before I'm off for 4 mos-- at that point I'll either go back to work, in which case I would prefer one on two care for the new infant+DS, or transition to staying at home for a while. I just think having at home care for ds will be better with all the upheaval of the next few months.

That being said, I will definitely keep an open mind.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

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#43 of 56 Old 10-28-2010, 01:16 AM
 
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How long was your son with the old sitter? If she had been around for many months previously (so basically forever, to a 1 year old), she probably seemed like family to him. I wouldn't expect that sort of close relationship to form so quickly with a new sitter. I nannied and worked in childcare, before becoming a SAHM, and I found some children I warmed up to quickly, and some it took work and time. If she is good with him during the day, and meeting his needs, and your needs as a family, then I think the closeness you want will come with time. Hopefully the pay misunderstandings have been worked out. Do you guys have a nanny contract? I found having hours, pay, vacation, perhaps how and when you would like to be contacted if she is sick, etc in writing to be really helpful. There are some good samples online, if you google it.
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#44 of 56 Old 11-04-2010, 03:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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well... i just wanted to update, adn let the majority of ya'll know that you were right.

Sitter walked out of the house in the middle of the day today, telling dh that DS was driving her bonkers because he wanted to be played with 'all the time' (he typically naps for 2.5-3 of the 5 hours she's here).

Lots of other stuff was said, that just makes me feel absolutely sick that I was leaving DS in her care for the last 3 weeks, when I knew, just knew that something wasn't right on day 1.

Lesson one: always listen to mommy intuition.
Lesson two: always listen to MDC's collective mommy intuition.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

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#45 of 56 Old 11-04-2010, 04:25 PM
 
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Yikes, so sorry mama. But seriously, WTH does she think watching a young child would be like? Playing is part of the job!
Sounds like good riddance to me. I hope you find a better solution until your maternity leave.

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#46 of 56 Old 11-04-2010, 04:26 PM
 
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I'm so sorry this happened. I'm glad that she's not going to be with your son any more, but I know how stressful this all is. We went through something similar with DD's first care providers and it feels just awful.

But it's over. And it sounds like she wasn't a bad person, just not a good fit for you, your family, and this job. Here's hoping you find someone new and wonderful quickly!

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#47 of 56 Old 11-04-2010, 06:08 PM
 
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oh no,i'm so sorry. i really wish you lived here so i could be your nanny.

nannies like her give the rest of us a bad name. was she a nanny before or was this her first job? sounds like she had no idea what a nanny does.
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#48 of 56 Old 11-04-2010, 08:32 PM
 
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I'm sorry, that really stinks. I hope you find a new situation that works for your family, and soon!!!
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#49 of 56 Old 11-04-2010, 08:42 PM
 
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s Ugh. Sounds like she needs to find a housekeeper position and quit trying to be a nanny.

ETA: Texmati, can't help but notice that, according to your location, you are living in my house!

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#50 of 56 Old 11-04-2010, 08:49 PM
 
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I'm sorry to hear that. Make sure she doesn't have a key to your house!
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#51 of 56 Old 11-04-2010, 09:33 PM
 
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At least she was honest and left.
Who knows, with all you read in the papers theses days, it could of ended worse.

So what will you do now?

Decluttering 500/2010
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#52 of 56 Old 11-05-2010, 12:33 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by texmati View Post
well... i just wanted to update, adn let the majority of ya'll know that you were right.

Sitter walked out of the house in the middle of the day today, telling dh that DS was driving her bonkers because he wanted to be played with 'all the time' (he typically naps for 2.5-3 of the 5 hours she's here).

Lots of other stuff was said, that just makes me feel absolutely sick that I was leaving DS in her care for the last 3 weeks, when I knew, just knew that something wasn't right on day 1.

Lesson one: always listen to mommy intuition.
Lesson two: always listen to MDC's collective mommy intuition.
You did listen. You were just trying to make it work because it's hard.

Hang in there, keep going. Sorry it is so rough, but you WILL find the care that works for you.

~ Mum to Emily, March 12-16 2004, Noah, born Aug 2005, Liam, born January 2011, and wife to Carl since 1994. ~
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#53 of 56 Old 11-05-2010, 12:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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At least she was honest and left.
Who knows, with all you read in the papers theses days, it could of ended worse.

So what will you do now?
thanks to the wonderful mom's here, we know about dh's backup care from work.

So we have care for tomorrow and monday, thank god. I talked to one of our ex-interviewees-- someone that I liked but dh didn't; and she is willing to start ASAP. she's older-- her son's in college, but she's willing to work for the same rate as previous nanny. We'd really resisted getting someone who was already a parent since we had so many issues with our IL's-- it just felt like signing up for more.

I'm calling her tomorrow, and having a long conversation with regards to expectations, rocking, playing with baby, house work, etc. And I am going to print out a nanny contract as well as pp suggested.


As for long term... It might be the pregnancy hormones, but I'm thinking of quitting. I'm sick of putting my dh and ds through this. And I"m sick of pulling a 'C' in every area of my life. Between going to the hospital, dr's appts, and this nanny business, I've only worked one day this week. I ended up walking into a managers meeting, and stammering to my boss that I needed to leave. I enjoy my work, but I don't enjoy constantly being at the bottom, only to come home and feel so crushingly guilty about my son.

Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

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#54 of 56 Old 11-05-2010, 05:39 AM
 
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Financially, it may be in your best interest to quit. Have you looked at how much you net after paying all the bills? It's worth it to be a SAHM for a while, if you can make it happen.
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#55 of 56 Old 11-05-2010, 10:20 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by texmati View Post
thanks to the wonderful mom's here, we know about dh's backup care from work.

So we have care for tomorrow and monday, thank god. I talked to one of our ex-interviewees-- someone that I liked but dh didn't; and she is willing to start ASAP. she's older-- her son's in college, but she's willing to work for the same rate as previous nanny. We'd really resisted getting someone who was already a parent since we had so many issues with our IL's-- it just felt like signing up for more.

I'm calling her tomorrow, and having a long conversation with regards to expectations, rocking, playing with baby, house work, etc. And I am going to print out a nanny contract as well as pp suggested.


As for long term... It might be the pregnancy hormones, but I'm thinking of quitting. I'm sick of putting my dh and ds through this. And I"m sick of pulling a 'C' in every area of my life. Between going to the hospital, dr's appts, and this nanny business, I've only worked one day this week. I ended up walking into a managers meeting, and stammering to my boss that I needed to leave. I enjoy my work, but I don't enjoy constantly being at the bottom, only to come home and feel so crushingly guilty about my son.
I think this is a great idea. Can you also have a "trial period" tp try it out and see how it goes?
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#56 of 56 Old 11-05-2010, 01:43 PM
 
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So sorry you've been going through all this! I just went through hiring a new nanny as well & it was so stressful & I'm not even pregnant with a 2nd!

I really hope you're able to piece something together that makes you feel good until you can decide whether or not you'll stay home.

Good luck!

Mama to my little busy bee. 

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