A vent about "Granny Nanny" and advice requested - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 43 Old 11-10-2010, 02:12 PM
 
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Anyway, I could go on and on and on about the stuff we argue over. I'm so stressed out because I can't find a way to express to her that I appreciate her help, but I will make the decisions in regards to their upbringing and she must abide by those rules. She takes everything so personally, and whenever I bring up something I don't like, she freaks out. I also get the "You can't raise a child by going by things you read on the internet and you should just do what comes naturally to you."

I'm at my wits' end. I don't want to to fight with her about everything in regards to parenting for the rest of my life, but I can't get her to see things my way at all!

Has anyone else dealt with this?? What did you do?? Were you ever able to get any sanity back in your life??

This!!!!  She said it right there...she wants you to do what comes naturally to you, so you just have to turn that back on her.  You don't need to follow her advice or ways and you certainly don't have to listen to what those weirdos (hehe) on the internet think  but you need find what works for you.    Maybe what you see as ideal will change, I know it did for me.  Maybe some of her ideas will be fine with you.  But her telling you the right way to do things goes against her own advice, so tell her that.

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#32 of 43 Old 11-11-2010, 09:59 AM
 
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See, then, in my opinion, TOO BAD FOR HER. Let her take it personally. She is an adult, and she is stepping on your toes, and you are trying to set some boundaries in your OWN home, for your OWN children, and that's ok. If she is going to want to impose her child rearing ideals on you, then she is not an appropriate nanny. Any other nanny would have been fired by now. She either needs to step back into the grandma role only, or accept that she is HELPING to raise SOMEONE ELSE'S children. 

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#33 of 43 Old 11-11-2010, 10:02 AM
 
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Ok, now that I've had my big, bad rant. let me ask you this- have you tried just brushing off her comments and "suggestions" - as pushy as they might be- with a light and breezy air?  Like if a stranger in the grocery store gave you unsolicited advice? Perhaps you can take that approach, just keeping it light and "Oh, yeah, but I want to try this, first, I think it'll give us a good start!" or whatever... and THEN, choose some specific topics you think you can handle her advice on and actually SEEK OUT her advice. That would hopefully make her feel needed still.

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#34 of 43 Old 11-12-2010, 09:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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It's hard to do that because she watches them full time while I'm at work and I don't want her to do things that I don't approve, like feeding them rice cereal too early, or parking them in front of the TV.

 

We are starting to communicate a bit better, and I'm learning to compromise. For example, instead of putting vaseline on them during diaper changes, I'm allowing her to use a dab of almond oil which is all natural.
 

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Originally Posted by karaann07 View Post

Ok, now that I've had my big, bad rant. let me ask you this- have you tried just brushing off her comments and "suggestions" - as pushy as they might be- with a light and breezy air?  Like if a stranger in the grocery store gave you unsolicited advice? Perhaps you can take that approach, just keeping it light and "Oh, yeah, but I want to try this, first, I think it'll give us a good start!" or whatever... and THEN, choose some specific topics you think you can handle her advice on and actually SEEK OUT her advice. That would hopefully make her feel needed still.




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#35 of 43 Old 11-12-2010, 09:48 AM
 
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This is a very hard situation.  I went to tend to think what you might need to communicate to her is that she got her turn to raise her very own babies however she well pleased, and now it is your turn.  Do not engage in discussions.  It is not up for negotiation.  At least she is being honest with you and you know what is going on.  I would tell her if she doesn't want to honor your requests, which are very serious to you, then some other arrangements will be made for the girls.  However, it is very hard to know even then if she is or isn't following your requests, since you are not there and your babies are very young.  


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#36 of 43 Old 11-12-2010, 09:51 AM
 
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Double post


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#37 of 43 Old 11-14-2010, 12:13 AM
 
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Jeeze I'm sorry.  We also do "GrannyNanny"  NOT so much fun sometimes!

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#38 of 43 Old 11-14-2010, 12:29 AM
 
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My Mother and I seem to have a very similar relationship and views on parenting.  Luckily she lives 1400 miles away :).  I say luckily because I mean it for her, me and my daughter! :)

 

Honestly, I just couldn't do it in your position.  I don't co-sleep, extended breast feed, blw, organic foods and products etc etc because it is hip and trendy I do it because I truly believe it is what is best for my daughter.  But my mother takes all of my parenting choices as an insult to hers.  So, while I don't have any real advice I just wanted to say I understand (to some degree of course because she thankfully lives 1400 miles away).

 

Good luck.

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#39 of 43 Old 11-14-2010, 09:13 AM
 
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I would meet her halfway on everything. 

 

 (personally.. just if it were me) I would allow grandma to have some of those things.  TV, lotion, and toys... she could have those.

 

But, I'd win on Cry it out, and vaccinations, and probably the rice in the bottles.  In a month or so, I'd allow the rice in a bowl by spoon, but never in a bottle.

 

Yes, when I started doing daycare, we put rice in the bottle... even six or eight years ago, you put rice in a bottle.  I've never had a kid have problems with it.  Ever.  But, I've also never had a kid sleep longer because of it.  The whole "They will sleep longer" theory is a myth.  It just feels harder for her because there are two of them.  She's working twice as hard as she did when her own kids were little, and she's not as young, so it's really hard.  

 

She's just going to take longer to understand that you are a good mom, and are every bit as capable as she is, even though you don't have her experience.   She will see this soon. Just give her time.

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#40 of 43 Old 11-14-2010, 11:33 AM
 
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I think you've gotten some excellent advice, and I agree that you're probably going to have to compromise.  Everyone else said good stuff, so I won't even go into it :)

 

I read this post earlier today, and for some reason I was thinking about it again this afternoon, and I wondered how your mother's life outside of your kids is doing?  I don't know her or her personality, so I could be off base, but you guys have gotten into a control battle, and I'm wondering if she feels that her life is out of control and so she's going to dig in her heels over something that she can control: your kids.  I don't know how she expected to spend her golden years, but I assume it wasn't single (and if her DH died last November, the anniversary could be particularly hard on her right now) and living with you and working as an unpaid nanny.  And I definitely understand that this is the situation that you both agree is best, and I'm not saying that she's unhappy at all.  But sometimes when you get older, it can be tough to lose independence, and she is living in YOUR house, and not HER own home.

 

Does she have many friends nearby?  How often does she get out of the house?  It can be really tough for mothers of young babies to get out of the house and meet other people... and with twins it's probably twice as hard.  Four month olds aren't exactly the greatest conversationalists, either.  

 

Between work and two babies, you obviously have enough on your plate without being your mother's social secretary, but I'm wondering if she might "let go" a bit if she feels more control over her life.  I would encourage her to find a playgroup (hopefully one for grandparents), and get out as much as possible with other adults.  Classes like Gymboree can be a good way to interact with other adults.

 

Again, perhaps all this advice is off base.  But her situation, moving and being widowed and spending all day taking care of two tiny babies made me wonder if she is lonely, and obsessing over her new "role" in life because she just doesn't have much else to do right now.


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#41 of 43 Old 11-17-2010, 12:21 PM
 
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How are things going now? Honestly, I disagree, in theory, with the idea that you should compromise on ANYTHING- these are your kids, and when she is acting as their care provider, her job is to do as you wish. But in reality, someone had a good point about letting her have the "little things". It sounds like you've started doing that. Has it had a positive impact on anything yet? I hope you guys are getting into a better "groove".

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#42 of 43 Old 11-18-2010, 04:55 PM
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by lach View Post

 

Again, perhaps all this advice is off base.  But her situation, moving and being widowed and spending all day taking care of two tiny babies made me wonder if she is lonely, and obsessing over her new "role" in life because she just doesn't have much else to do right now.

I think this makes a lot of sense.

 

Along similar lines, would it be possible to pay her a stipend? Not as much as you'd pay a non-family sitter, since room and board is presumably part of the deal and saving money is a large part of the reason for this arrangement in the first place, but some amount might both help encourage a more professional relationship - less of a feeling of doing you a favor and therefore doing it on her terms, and also give her a little more independence if money is an issue for her.


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#43 of 43 Old 11-27-2010, 07:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Things are going a lot better.

 

We have discussed a lot of the issues I have with the way she acts about my decisions, and I've learned to just ignore her a lot of the time when she makes snarky comments. The reality is that we all want to do what is best for the babies, and we just need to work together to do so, not against one another.

 

In regards to her personal life, I think whomever posted about that hit the nail on the head. She definitely seems to be grasping control again in a life where she's lost control and had lots of abrupt change recently, so I am trying to be sympathetic to that. I just wish there was something I could do to help her meet more friends her age down here so she can have a life outside of our household. Thank you for the advice!


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