Do you ever have your Nanny come still if you are home? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 18 Old 05-02-2011, 07:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Curious... I did last week.  I was on bereavement leave for my grandfather passing, and I needed my nanny there for the services, but I had here here before as well so I could get ready and actually arrive on time which would have been impossible with two young children to care for as well.

 

My Mother, of course, gave me this huge lecture and guilt fest for it about how I should be ashamed of myself for having the nanny come over while I'm there and I sould just be able to do things like she she did and she had three of us at home, etc.

 

I can't seem to get ANYTHING done at home when I'm by myself with my children... the only thing that gets done is taking care of them.  Anything extra just is really hard to fit in.  Some days are better than others... but for example, getting a shower, and dressed appropriately for a funeral, if the kids did not nap at the same time (which doesn't usually happen, or if it does, it will be like for a half hour, maybe?)  I would have been unable to shower... because I can't leave my baby and toddler unattended, as the toddler still does not know she can accidently hurt the baby when trying to play with him. 

 

WWYD/have done?


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#2 of 18 Old 05-02-2011, 08:38 AM
 
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pshaw! I have had the nanny come when I didn't even leave the house...I have had her there while I slept, not just sick...just catching up on sleep.  I have also had her there when I needed to do work.

 

Your mom sounds like she may be suffering from a sense of martyred revisionist history.  Don't let her shame you.  It's perfectly common.  A lot of WAHM do it, too.


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#3 of 18 Old 05-02-2011, 09:03 AM
 
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After a test today i am on a break from school but have to pay for daycare... She'll spend a lot of time at home and on my break.  But I am also going to clean the basement and work in the yard.  No guilt, stuff has got to get done.


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#4 of 18 Old 05-02-2011, 11:49 AM
 
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I guess it depends on what you mean. . Most nannies I know, including ours, work a fixed schedule and they are paid whether I happen to have a schedule change or not. So, yes, they usually come. Sometimes i like it it, sometimes I resent it, sometimes I tell her not to come even though I am paying, sometimes her role is different i.e. folding laundry or doing shopping.

 

Either way, I don't feel guilty.

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#5 of 18 Old 05-06-2011, 11:03 PM
 
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I can't believe your mom. I'm sure she never needed help when she was actively parenting. What a crock. I am really beginning to dislike this notion that women need to martyr themselves for their kids. Get some help, have your shower and do what you need to do.
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#6 of 18 Old 05-07-2011, 10:47 AM
 
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Your mom was out of line. I would have no issues telling her so and to mind her own business.

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#7 of 18 Old 05-07-2011, 06:37 PM
 
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I love my son, but I consider this one of my 'perks' of working outside the home.  He goes to daycare whether I go to work or not.  Sometimes I clean, sometimes I sleep.  Sometimes I just be totally lazy because that's what I need.  My DP's mom as horrified the first time she realized that when DP or I am home DS still goes to daycare.  He loves it & we get a much needed break.


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#8 of 18 Old 05-10-2011, 12:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah I got a lecture from BOTH of my parents yesterday because I called out sick from work.  I had maybe 2 hours of sleep and was in a MAJOR fibro burney all over body pain flare and I still had the nanny come yesterday so I could sleep and hopefully get the rest I needed to get my pain levels back to semi-functional.

 

They of course gave me the lecture first for calling out of work, and then for not calling the nanny off since I was home, and "don't I feel funny and like not a real Mom when I'm upstairs sleeping and someone else is taking care of my kids?"

 

*sighs*

 

I know my parents are emotionally abusive towards me... but this still hurts and is very trying to deal with.


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#9 of 18 Old 05-14-2011, 03:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phoenix~Mama View Post

Yeah I got a lecture from BOTH of my parents yesterday because I called out sick from work.  I had maybe 2 hours of sleep and was in a MAJOR fibro burney all over body pain flare and I still had the nanny come yesterday so I could sleep and hopefully get the rest I needed to get my pain levels back to semi-functional.

 

They of course gave me the lecture first for calling out of work, and then for not calling the nanny off since I was home, and "don't I feel funny and like not a real Mom when I'm upstairs sleeping and someone else is taking care of my kids?"

 

*sighs*

 

I know my parents are emotionally abusive towards me... but this still hurts and is very trying to deal with.



What?  Can I ask you how they even know you called in sick? How often are you talking to them that they know about you taking a sick day?  What is the POINT of having a sick day if you have to work taking care of the kids all day?  I mean really?  I think perhaps it might be time to consider not informing them of such minor and very personal life decisions.  It is really none of their business and you clearly aren't going to get their approval anyway.

 

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#10 of 18 Old 05-16-2011, 06:12 PM
 
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Your parents are WAY out of line -- I have sometimes had the nanny care for my son when I was home taking care of stuff... and I have a partner to parent with me AND I'm not dealing with health/pain issues right now.

 

I agree with Rebekah that you might need to reevaluate how much you are sharing with your parents. If you telling them things like this is just giving them fuel to harm you with, then stop sharing.

 

But since it's already been raised as an issue/opportunity for them to judge, next time just tell them that you have to pay her even if she doesn't come it (even if it's a fib). Like a PP, we are obligated to pay for a given number of days/hours per week, so there are some times when DH or I have ended up being home but having the nanny stay since we'd pay for her services anyway ... DH has even gone on a bike ride or two when this happens... And I can tell you he does NOT feel guilty at all! Neither should you!!


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#11 of 18 Old 05-16-2011, 06:33 PM
 
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OK, I don't even HAVE a job, and we just hired a nanny a few months ago.  My DP works a lot and I had an almost 3-yo and infant twins to deal with (often all day until bed time).  The nanny (only 6hrs a week, but still) gives me a chance to do exciting things like shower, grocery shop, and try to recall what being human felt like. :-D  If I had the money I'd hire her full time and be able to do things like hang with my kids one at a time, garden, go out to lunch with friends, and pee alone on occasion.  We don't have that kind of money, but 6hrs/wk is still sanity-saving for me!  I don't feel the slightest bit guilty. 


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#12 of 18 Old 05-16-2011, 06:48 PM
 
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This is not a nanny issue its a parent issue. How you utilize your nanny is your business and no one else's. I agree with the PP who have said you need to either stop sharing so much with your folks or at least set up some very clear boundaries. 

 

My previous nannies were guaranteed a certain number of hours per week. On days I stayed home and didn't need her we would often trade those hours for weekend sitting but more often then not I chose to have her stay and help out with doing/folding laundry, picking up the playroom.  But when I was sick enough that I couldn't work, you are darn right she came. As a single parent I am sure that getting back to work as quickly possible is a priority. You parents should totally get that! I am sorry they are not giving you the support you need.


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#13 of 18 Old 05-17-2011, 05:14 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hakeber View Post


What?  Can I ask you how they even know you called in sick? How often are you talking to them that they know about you taking a sick day?  What is the POINT of having a sick day if you have to work taking care of the kids all day?  I mean really?  I think perhaps it might be time to consider not informing them of such minor and very personal life decisions.  It is really none of their business and you clearly aren't going to get their approval anyway.

 


Unfortunately, the OP lives with her parents, so they know what shes up to.  She will be moving out relatively soon (not entirely sure when), and then this will no longer be an issue.  (Hope it was OK for me to share that PM - please no one quote me in case she wants me to take this post down)

 

Oh yeah, and PM - there was a Friday that I didn't have to work, and b/c of our visitation schedule, DS was getting dropped off at daycare by his dad.  It was the BEST DAY EVER - I stayed home, and cleaned, and picked him up at 4:30.  Ahhhh.....sounds good just thinking about it!  Don't feel guilty!  You're a wonderful, sweet, loving mama, and having a nanny take care of your kiddos while you sleep and rest up is not a big deal!!  They probably had a better day with the nanny than they would have with you - but only b/c you were sick and not feeling well, and well, if you're anything at all like me......(I get SUPER cranky when I'm sick and should be in bed, so.....DS would rather be with anyone but me on those days!)

 

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#14 of 18 Old 05-17-2011, 08:06 PM
 
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In that case, OP, is it possible your parents feel resentful that you have hired a nanny when they may see themselves as live in child care?  Or that they feel like you shouldn't need more than them?  My MIL is awful about that.  Even though she isn't available she doesn't want my SIL to DARE use anyone else...it' like, hello?  Can I live?!

 

I am glad yo hear you are getting out of that house soon.  That doesn't seem likea healthy situation at all for anyone involved (well except your kids.  It's always good for kids to be surrounded by lots of loving extended family I think...but if that extended family is making their mom feel mentally sad, and that stress is adding to physical pain....maybe not so much.)

 

((((Phoenix Mama))))

 

Sending hugs and light and peace and a little imp into your parents' dreams to tell them to be kinder to you.  You are a single mom, you automatically deserve Kudos from the Universe.


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#15 of 18 Old 05-19-2011, 12:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Aww, thanks!

 

And yup... I do not plan on sharing these details with them once I move... unfortunately, as I live with them, it's pretty obvious when I don't go to work. 

 

Both of my parents work full time, so it's not like they can watch DC... they just think I should be super-mom like my Mom was.  (never mind that my Mom didn't work and didn't have a chronic illness and wasn't single (though close enough since my Dad was never around and was always out drinking, but that's a whole nother can of worms)

 

And no... it's not a very healthy environement. With them constantly putting me down and undermining me in front of the kids.  I will say no to something and a second later they are giving DD sweets or taking her out at 9 pm at night to go to the store.  *sighs*

 

But!  I have a move date in two weeks now!!!  I CAN'T wait!!!!!


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#16 of 18 Old 05-19-2011, 05:56 PM
 
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But!  I have a move date in two weeks now!!!  I CAN'T wait!!!!!


 

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#17 of 18 Old 05-30-2011, 08:08 AM
 
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I dont have a nanny but I do drop off at daycare for "mental health" days. I have heard snide remarks from other moms but I think they are just jealous or don't have the guts to do it themselves. I am more than a mom, I'm a woman and a human being who values my solitude. I might be having a spa day soon and dropping off at daycare. :)


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#18 of 18 Old 05-30-2011, 11:29 AM
 
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I don't see how it's any different than dropping your kids off with your ex (if he is/was in the picture) or your in-laws or anyone else so you could get a few things done.  Lots of people have babysitters or parents or inlaws watch their children so they can get some things done or just have a break, just because it's a nanny at your/their home it should be any different.

 

And I do it all the time - know lots of moms who do!!  :-)

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