Aaaaargh! back to work - marriage is tough - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 08-11-2011, 05:52 AM - Thread Starter
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I'm just going to rant a little bit before I have to get on the road...


My 3 month old is awesome.  He is great.  No complaints.  Awesome baby.  Just started to sleep through the night and after a few weeks of this I will consider myself back in the land of the living in terms of sleep.


I just went back to work part time, but my job is really full time and though I'm only working three days a week, I already had to plan to work four days next week because of meetings I can't miss.  It's very hectic upon my return.  Things will chill out a little bit but right now it's really crazy.


I have four presentations to give the first three weeks I'm back (heading out this morning for the second one.)  Because of the drive and meeting times, I find myself having to pump in the car.  My LO eats every 2-3 hours but I am trying to be really vigilant about pumping as much as possible to avoid any dip in the supply I've fought so hard for over the past 12 weeks.


Pumping in the car SUCKS.  I hate it.  I'll just say that.  


I feel so torn - I'm frantic in the hours I have of childcare to get my work done, and am really trying to not be doing anything work related on my non childcare hours.  I've cheated a little bit but again, I think things will chill out after a few weeks.


So I'm feeling frantic inside.  I'm barely back getting an acceptable amount of sleep.  I can be short with my husband.  I feel like he cuts me absolutely no slack - as soon as I'm short with him (which I know I shouldn't be...) he gets really really mad at me.  He said to me yesterday that he doesn't feel I have room in my life to love him.  And that I can at least be civil to him and respect our partnership.


Aaaargh!!!  I am trying.  I am trying to do everything I can.  This is not about sex, either - I've been very giving on that front.  It's probably been two weeks but we've been intimate about 1-2x a week for a while.


I feel like he needs to cut me some freaking slack.  The reason I was short with him was that he didn't know what time our sitter arrived so I could go work.  I was upset by that - I did all the work to find and interview our care person, worked out the scheduling so I could work... it's like when there is no coverage I'm the default (which is fine).  But I feel he should at least know what the damn schedule is. It's like I'm hanging on by a thread to get everything done and work, take care of the babe and then make enough milk on days I'm not with him - it's so much.


I'm totally stress eating as well, I am big as a house right now - I've never been this heavy and not pregnant.  I went to the gym the other day for a class - they have daycare - but the class was long and in the early evening - which is usually when I'm tanking my son up at home in order to get him to sleep.


Of course he woke up in the middle of the night because he was making up calories, so for now, I can't go to that class because I really, really need the sleep - when he wakes up at 3 I can rarely get back to sleep even though the baby gets back to sleep fine.


Anyway - that is my rant and I could really use some kind mom words.


Anna, married to my soulmate, loving on DS (4)
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#2 of 5 Old 08-11-2011, 09:14 AM
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I'm not going back to work until the fall (actually, I'll be a student--teaching one class and finishing my thesis), so I'm not there yet, but just wanted to send you some hugs and support. It sounds like you are balancing SO much right now. I wish I had some words of wisdom but can't speak from personal experience as my DD is only a few weeks older. However, I totally hear you on feeling like everything's a house of cards and if one element doesn't work out it throws everything out of balance, when you NEED it to be in balance, if that makes sense. I have also had some frustration with my DH--he got annoyed with me for changing pediatricians, which I think was justified on his part, but at the same time, I did all the research/interviewing, I've taken her to all the appointments, and I deal with sleep issues because I'm the one who gets up with her at night and puts her down for naps (I changed because the old ped advocated cry it out). So I didn't think it would really matter to him if we switched. Sounds similar to your childcare situation.


I guess what I'm struggling with is feeling like I'm taking on the responsibility of child rearing; it's hard to let go of control and let him (make him?) do more. Would it help, do you think, if you asked him (in a non confrontational way, perhaps, because he might not intentionally be letting you do more than your share) to take on more, and framed your irritability that way? It seems like men and women tend to stress out about different things with parenting--men worry about finances and women worry more about day to day decisions and more hands on stuff--maybe he doesn't realize how much you're worrying about right now (I know my DH doesn't get why I worry so much about little details like wake times, feedings, etc.) It sounds like so much of your stress is just feeling overwhelmed like you're carrying everything, and that's a horrible feeling.

Fiction writer by training, writer/editor of anything anyone will hire me for by trade. Me + D=my girls E (4/2011) and little N, 1/2014.

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#3 of 5 Old 08-13-2011, 07:25 AM - Thread Starter
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Hi! Hugs to you and your Lo!

Thanks for hearing me... things have calmed down. They were at crisis point and have chilled a little. I will definitely be taking 4-6 months nrxt time. 3 months is such a spot! Actually it was 10 weeks when I started back. I think you are right about the childcare/pedi situations being similar I know exactly how you feel... I have a. Great partner and still it is so hard right now. I see unfortunately how so many marriages break up when kids come along... and it is so awful!

The babe is going through big changes right now. Getting through this week upcoming is going to be a big deal... last 2 presentations out of the 4 I had to make in my first 3 weeks back. That will never happen again. It was too much stress to dive into. From sahm to pumping in the car on the road etc. And busting tail to get so much squeezed into my work hours... yeah. You learn so much the first time around. The good news is that I have a lot to get rolling, but once it is rolling, I will have a much more relaxed schedule at least for a little while.

Dh... he has such a hot temper! I'm much more of a simmer burner and I can go on for days. We apologized to each other that day. Tommorrow, Sunday, I am going to a yoga class and then to the gym to sit in the sauna and use the hot tub for a few hours. He is golfing this morning so everyone gets their time.

I'm a ways away from figuring out how to exercise but I'm going to be compassionate toward myself and not push that until I have a few more weeks at work under my belt. The time that seems best is (gulp) after the 5am feeding when it is crazy to think Ill get back to sleep. I've been doing some gentle yoga then and the other day got on this stair stepper thing that I have. If I can stick with that for now more will come.

Anna, married to my soulmate, loving on DS (4)
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#4 of 5 Old 08-14-2011, 07:25 AM
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Sounds like you are making progress mama. My best advice is communication. Take some time when you ate both relaxed (or at least not angry) if possible to talk. Reconnect on an adult level and also take some time to discuss strategy, frustrations, feelings in a non blaming way. It IS hard but it can get better.

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#5 of 5 Old 08-20-2011, 09:16 AM
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Just want to send you some hugs and lots and lots of support.


Being a working parent isn't easy and it's a balancing act that takes lots of PRACTICE.   It's all about communication with your partner and getting in a good routine.  My DH and I are still tweaking our system and we've been parents for almost 5 years, both working for 3 of those.


We didn't used to be very good at communicating and had really different expectations for scheduling and respect for each others' time.  Our issue wasn't with babysitters but with DH assuming he could do what he pleased, work late and not call, go out with his friends without checking with me (not fair to assume I didn't have non-kid plans, even if I never did...just the principle, yk??), sleep in, etc.  I really didn't want to call him out on his behavior because we were going through a rough patch (this was shortly after our first baby) so instead I just introduced structure and routine into our family life.  I told him I wanted to have a family dinner every night and he needed to call if he was going to be late.  We started a family calendar with the understanding that you can't expect the other partner to watch the kids unless it's written in.  As the kids have gotten older we've started to do family meetings every Sunday that include a rundown of who's going where in the upcoming week.  We've gone from a very laid back lifestyle to a type-A lifestyle, but that's what had to happen for us to cut down on resentment in our marriage.  Not saying this is what you should do, just trying to illustrate how much work we had to put into it!

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