21, pregnant as I am finishing up college....not sure what to do. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 11-01-2011, 07:29 AM - Thread Starter
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Took a pregnancy test yesterday after my period being a week late. It's positive.

I am in a committed relationship with my boyfriend of a year and a half, and as few times throughout our relationship we discussed what we would do if we got pregnant. His opinion is staunchly that it would ruin our lives, and an abortion would be the only good option. I was more reluctant but agreed that would probably be best for my career and his, etc.

Now that I am actually facing this decision I have having some doubts. As soon as I told him, he comforted me and has been great, but is under the assumption that this week he will drive me to planned parenthood and 'take care of it'....there was no discussion of options.


I have my doubts for a lot of reasons, some moral, some logical. While I am not religious, I still don't feel that abortion is good or right by any means. I already feel horribly guilty for even considering it.


I have not discussed the possibility of keeping it with him. I did some math and my due date would be July 4th, 2 months after I graduated college. He would not be able to support us with more than a part-time job for another year after that because he is in law school until May 2013.


I think I could do this alone/mostly supporting myself, (my mom would more than likely allow me to live at home and help me a bit until I could work) but I can't imagine trying to look for a job while 6-7 months pregnant, when my employer would know, obviously, that I would need a few months off pretty much immediately following me getting hired.


I guess I am mainly looking for insight if anyone has been in a similar situation. I am scared to tell my mom or family as I worry I would be disowned for considering abortion (devout Roman Catholics!) and I don't want to be alienated by my friends, so I have not told anyone.


Honestly, I am not even sure I do want to keep it, but I want to explore all my options.


(*PLEASE do not berate me or waste your breath condemning abortion. I am not religious, and while I do not feel comfortable with abortion by any means, it is a reality of our world that about 1/4 of pregnancies end in abortion. No need to preach, I know all the facts)

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#2 of 12 Old 11-01-2011, 09:23 AM
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PMing you.

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#3 of 12 Old 11-01-2011, 11:56 AM
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I'm sorry you're struggling with this. It's a tough situation. You have every right to revisit earlier decisions. This situation is no longer theoretical: of course you will feel differently. I hope you can find someone you can talk to; you need to be able to talk about what's going on and what you're going to do.


If you can, talk to your boyfriend. He might surprise you and be able to talk through things. It's a surprise for you, and he may be trying to be supportive. But also find someone to talk to who isn't quite so close to the situation who might be able to be there.

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#4 of 12 Old 11-01-2011, 03:46 PM
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I was in your shoes nine years ago, though my now-husband gave me space to make a decision.  My thought:  if I regretted the parenthood choice, I could be "done" in 18 years.  If I regretted abortion, I'd have to live the rest of my life with my choice.  I chose life, finished college with an infant in tow, and then supported my husband through college.  If you need help with figuring out logistics, let me know.  And if your partner isn't supportive, I bet your parents will be.  All the best to you!

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#5 of 12 Old 11-01-2011, 04:32 PM
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I faced a similar choice 9 years ago as well... actually 9 years ago yesterday tho my then boyfriend who became my husband ( and now ex husband) wanted to keep the baby.

This is your choice. Not his.

Editted to say- I wanted to keep the baby too! And he is the love of my life. It was not the road I had planned but the road I have taken and I do not regret it.




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#6 of 12 Old 11-01-2011, 06:21 PM
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Coming from someone who decided to have an abortion once, I would say that if you have *any* doubts, have the baby. I have no regrets over my decision, but I believe that you should err on the side of caution. There is never a "good" time to have a baby - lots of people make it work.

Good luck with your decision.


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#7 of 12 Old 11-01-2011, 11:24 PM
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Ditto the previous poster.  I too decided to tterminate aa pregnancy aat age 21,, but the decission was wholly my own and I had no doubts whatsover. If you have doubts, don't terminate (IMO). It's your deciision, not yyour partners. It's his job to support you. And, as it takes two to tango, his ethical responsibility IIMO. You have resources and family, which is more than a lot of women in your shoes start out with. 


Special note (ttake with a grain of ssalt) if you feel that your partner will not be supportive, and and you ahve the baby , know that you can always leave the "father " portion of the the bbirth ccertiificate unlisted. Know your rights and options going in. 


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#8 of 12 Old 11-01-2011, 11:28 PM
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Since you're in college, you should have some access to counseling through your university's health clinic. I would HIGHLY recommend talking to someone there who is a neutral third party (your boyfriend clearly isn't, your parents clearly aren't). A few short term counseling sessions might help you sort out the decision that you need to make.


I know it feels like you need to decide something now, but you don't. You're just barely pregnant. Give yourself a couple of weeks to figure things out and think about how you really feel.

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#9 of 12 Old 11-02-2011, 05:38 AM
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No judgment here. I agree, talk to a neutral 3rd party and take time to make your decision. I'll be your neutral 3rd party if you'd like. hug2.gif

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#10 of 12 Old 11-02-2011, 03:43 PM
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I think the previous posters have all had great replies.  If you are feeling uncertain and feel that you could have the baby on your own if need be, I think I would consider keeping it.  You sound like you have thought this out and are a very logical person.  It is not going to be an easy road, but it can be done.  Especially if you have support from family.  I agree with seeking counsel from your university counseling center.  They would be a great reference for you.  It is always easier to talk things out with someone unbiased.   

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#11 of 12 Old 11-03-2011, 07:47 PM
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Originally Posted by natdances View Post
Honestly, I am not even sure I do want to keep it, but I want to explore all my options.

Just wanted to offer hugs and support you in exploring all of your options. I agree with the PPs that your university counseling center may be a good resource, but if you are a religious school which might not offer non-biased counseling or if for any reason you are not comfortable going there, there are many options for counseling. If you need help finding resources for support in your area, please feel free to PM me.


I'll be thinking of you.


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#12 of 12 Old 11-03-2011, 09:06 PM
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Thinking about you and hoping you're finding some clarity through the awesome responses you've gotten so far. 


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