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Old 01-20-2012, 09:31 AM
 
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We can figure out a way.  We can support each other wholeheartedly.  I have friends who stay home and friends who work.  Some help each other out but others seem to refuse.  The mindset in some women is confusing to me.  DH and I are always the ones to help other people out but we only seem to have one friend that will help us.  She has been a godsend.  The other people we help seem to think we never need help since DH stays home.  But that's a problem in my eyes.  We will have situations where DH has an appointment and either I take leave from work or a friend can step in and pick up our kids from school.  That's only happened a few times in 4 yrs and half those times I ended up taking leave because nobody wanted to help.  Not that they couldn't they just didn't want to be bothered.  Of course we will always help.  Even when it's one sided.  The stress a family feels is too much sometimes.  

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Old 01-20-2012, 09:40 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

We can figure out a way.  We can support each other wholeheartedly.  I have friends who stay home and friends who work.  Some help each other out but others seem to refuse.  The mindset in some women is confusing to me.  DH and I are always the ones to help other people out but we only seem to have one friend that will help us.  She has been a godsend.  The other people we help seem to think we never need help since DH stays home.  But that's a problem in my eyes.  We will have situations where DH has an appointment and either I take leave from work or a friend can step in and pick up our kids from school.  That's only happened a few times in 4 yrs and half those times I ended up taking leave because nobody wanted to help.  Not that they couldn't they just didn't want to be bothered.  Of course we will always help.  Even when it's one sided.  The stress a family feels is too much sometimes.  

As someone whose mostly been a SAHM ... my experience is that working moms seem to think I can take their sick kid for the day or take their kid to soccer because "I'm not doing anything". It leads to me feeling taken advantage of if I say yes ... and they get bitchy when I say no. I don't mind helping out in an extreme emergency if we are friends... but don't call me out of the blue demanding a favor because I don't work. And don't assume I'm doing nothing. I volunteer in my community and in my kids school. I have plans most days.
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Old 01-20-2012, 01:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by philomom View Post


As someone whose mostly been a SAHM ... my experience is that working moms seem to think I can take their sick kid for the day or take their kid to soccer because "I'm not doing anything". It leads to me feeling taken advantage of if I say yes ... and they get bitchy when I say no. I don't mind helping out in an extreme emergency if we are friends... but don't call me out of the blue demanding a favor because I don't work. And don't assume I'm doing nothing. I volunteer in my community and in my kids school. I have plans most days.


I'm sorry for your terrible experiences.  DH and I would never dream of asking any of our friends, or even SAH neighbors, to take care of our DD.  I have never felt that SAHPs do nothing and I wouldn't even ask them to pick up my child at school simply because they're in the neighborhood.  I personally would help out any of my friends and neighbors in a pinch, mainly because they are decent people and everyone has an occassional issue.  But as far as me placing the burden on others, wouldn't do it unless I was in a burning building with no chance of survival.  Then I'd feel free to ask others to help.  My schedule is not their problem. One of the reasons that I am so adamant about that is for the reasons stated in the above post.

 

Edited to add:  I wonder how many of the working moms who feel the need to defer to neighbors and friends have a partner who is picking up the slack on sick days, pick-ups, etc.  I know this would be next to impossible for single parents without support systems, but for partnered individuals, why isn't the partner compensating too?  I'm very fortunate to have a partner who shares in the sick days, vacation days (DD has a total of two months off just during the school year) and other issues like "honey, I'm tied up and can't leave."  I think a lot of the real problem in working moms relying on others for childcare / pickup results from (1) working moms still thinking they are under the obligation to "do it all" without deferring to partner responsibilities/help; and (2) the still inflexible work schedules that a lot of moms are subjected too.  I'm one of the very lucky ones (true, I made certain life choices to allow me my flexibility, but I also paid a high price in a monetary sense (lots of student loans to get a position where I was highly paid but also had a high degree of autonomy)).  
 

I should add that a lot of deferment to family and friends may be also a cultural/familial thing.  My SIL is a SAHM and she moved near my parents for the stated reason that she would like the help that my parents could provide.  Granted, they are elderly, but she'll drop off her five kids in a flash to go grocery shopping.  She came from a culture where "village" was important and she has no qualms about asking for help.  In a way, I think she is onto something. We've lost a total sense of responsibility and help toward our family and friends.  I think it is sort of sad, and I think it is probably the reason so many people feel so isolated these days.  We feel we can't ask others for help, and if we do, they're offended.  Sad.


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Old 01-20-2012, 08:50 PM
 
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I get that philomom.  But I get the same thing because DH stays home and because my schedule is so flexible.  I've taken kids for a week and rescheduled my life for someone who refused to pick up my kids after school and watch them for an hour because in her words "I can't reschedule my afternoon, we go to the park and then start on dinner".  And to her I say F OFF!  She's since called numerous more times to ask for help.  I get that it's not fair to be expected to help others as a SAHM, they're busy too.  I get that.  What I don't get is any woman who would let beg you to watch her kids for a week so that her and her DH can get away, but refuse to help for one Fing hour while DH is at the Veterans Hospital and I'm begging my boss to let me off early so I can get my kids. The give and take is not there.  The one lady I can always count and who can always count on me has a busy life, but she'll put God himself on hold to help me in a pinch and I'd do it for her too.  I just hate that those kinds of relationships are so hard to find.  
 

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Originally Posted by philomom View Post


As someone whose mostly been a SAHM ... my experience is that working moms seem to think I can take their sick kid for the day or take their kid to soccer because "I'm not doing anything". It leads to me feeling taken advantage of if I say yes ... and they get bitchy when I say no. I don't mind helping out in an extreme emergency if we are friends... but don't call me out of the blue demanding a favor because I don't work. And don't assume I'm doing nothing. I volunteer in my community and in my kids school. I have plans most days.


 

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Old 01-20-2012, 08:54 PM
 
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When DH and I were both in the Military we would fight over who got to get the kids if we were called due to sickness.  He would even try to be sly and tell the Daycare provider to call him since I was sooooo busy.  She caught on and told me.  What a turd!  Also we don't have family.  We were never stationed anywhere near family and that was just how it was.  We were it.  No help.  Not until we made a friend in the neighborhood that was in a similar situation.  She had family but they refused to help.  They would drop of their kids with her all the time but could never find the time to do the same for her.  
 

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Originally Posted by CatsCradle View Post


I'm sorry for your terrible experiences.  DH and I would never dream of asking any of our friends, or even SAH neighbors, to take care of our DD.  I have never felt that SAHPs do nothing and I wouldn't even ask them to pick up my child at school simply because they're in the neighborhood.  I personally would help out any of my friends and neighbors in a pinch, mainly because they are decent people and everyone has an occassional issue.  But as far as me placing the burden on others, wouldn't do it unless I was in a burning building with no chance of survival.  Then I'd feel free to ask others to help.  My schedule is not their problem. One of the reasons that I am so adamant about that is for the reasons stated in the above post.

 

Edited to add:  I wonder how many of the working moms who feel the need to defer to neighbors and friends have a partner who is picking up the slack on sick days, pick-ups, etc.  I know this would be next to impossible for single parents without support systems, but for partnered individuals, why isn't the partner compensating too?  I'm very fortunate to have a partner who shares in the sick days, vacation days (DD has a total of two months off just during the school year) and other issues like "honey, I'm tied up and can't leave."  I think a lot of the real problem in working moms relying on others for childcare / pickup results from (1) working moms still thinking they are under the obligation to "do it all" without deferring to partner responsibilities/help; and (2) the still inflexible work schedules that a lot of moms are subjected too.  I'm one of the very lucky ones (true, I made certain life choices to allow me my flexibility, but I also paid a high price in a monetary sense (lots of student loans to get a position where I was highly paid but also had a high degree of autonomy)).  
 

I should add that a lot of deferment to family and friends may be also a cultural/familial thing.  My SIL is a SAHM and she moved near my parents for the stated reason that she would like the help that my parents could provide.  Granted, they are elderly, but she'll drop off her five kids in a flash to go grocery shopping.  She came from a culture where "village" was important and she has no qualms about asking for help.  In a way, I think she is onto something. We've lost a total sense of responsibility and help toward our family and friends.  I think it is sort of sad, and I think it is probably the reason so many people feel so isolated these days.  We feel we can't ask others for help, and if we do, they're offended.  Sad.



 

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