Would you be a SAHM if you could? - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#121 of 143 Old 02-16-2007, 07:24 PM
 
carouselrider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 111
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My heart says Yes! My head says No! Some other part (my knee? my elbow? ) says the ideal is probably somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, where both DH and I have ample opportunity to pursue family, personal and professional goals, where time and money are not limiting factors.


Or maybe, the idea that this imagined ideal is even ON our work/life spectrum is a fallacy. I think the truth is that when you have kids, especially wee ones, you are constantly mitigating scarcity of resources - whether they are time, money, or sanity! Seriously, there are so many needs to be met - mom, dad, kids, the marriage, the extended family, the pets, work, community. If you listed out all the needs you would ideally like to meet, whether you SAHM, WOHM, single mom, mom of one, mom of 10, I think it is just.too.many. So I see my task right now not to dream of the perfect situation, but to manage these scarce resources the best I can, acknowledge that there isn't enough to go around, and find some measure of happiness and acceptance in the situation as it currently stands. It is just crazy-making (for me) to fantasize about a better situation. I am doing better all the time simply doing small things that make this set of circumstances work better for everyone in my family. Not that I am giving up my dreams, just that I am doing what I can, and trying to let go of what is unattainable right now.


I think I over-answered the question. But it got me going - interesting thoughts in this thread!


Quote:
Originally Posted by allye View Post
at the end of the day, really sahms and wohms are no different, they are both mothers and both love their children...
Amen to that.
carouselrider is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#122 of 143 Old 02-17-2007, 05:35 PM
 
Ana_Isabel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 91
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No!

Not unless the health and good of my family were at stake.

I honestly feel like I have everything I ever hoped for. I love my boy and I love being a professor. Each feeds off the other, and being a parent enhances me as a professor and vice veersa.

I stayed at home with diego until he was eight months old. It was just one child, and less than a year, but I felt my sanity "slip sliding away.....".

I am thankful to live in a day and age where I have this choice, to pursue my career and love my family all together.
Ana_Isabel is offline  
#123 of 143 Old 02-17-2007, 09:47 PM
 
mamaprek's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Minot, North Dakota
Posts: 429
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would love to be a SAHM! I had to go back to work when my ds was 4 weeks old! Can you believe it... only 4 weeks! Thats what happens when you own the business- there was just no other way around it. This summer I will only be working part time and am so excited, but then in the fall, its back to full time. I am going to treasure every minute of this summer that I get to spend with my ds! It is so hard for me to drop him off at daycare every morning even though I know he is in good hands. If there was any way to live on one income I would stay home no problem. Don't get me wrong, I have a job that I adore, but it is just so sad that someone else is with him for 8 hours a day! Hopefully as my business grows I will be able to work less, or at least start bringing my children to work with me. I would like to have more children, but am thinking about waiting for awhile until my business has grown so that I can be with them more. Being an out of the home working mama is the hardest thing I have ever done even though I love my job!

Sara - - PreK Teacher, Birth Doula, Wife to Shaun (8/13/05), Mama to Caleb (8/17/06), Chance (6/22/08), and Brielle (10/31/09) - - - winner.jpg

mamaprek is offline  
#124 of 143 Old 02-17-2007, 09:57 PM
 
Amris's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: I am loving and being loved.
Posts: 2,048
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would be a SAHM in a minute if money were no object.
Amris is offline  
#125 of 143 Old 02-17-2007, 10:01 PM
 
alicia622's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: 44° 48' N 68° 50' W
Posts: 4,568
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think I would LOVE to be a SAHM.

I am working on trying to figure it out although a problem we have is that dh doesn't agree it really neccessary. We work opposite hours so dfs is with one of us all the time.

Alicia DH Mike DS Gage Lola & Zeus Fishy Dishy, Charkey and Shark
RIP Sidney 1994-2010 RIP Charlie Brown 2008-2010
alicia622 is offline  
#126 of 143 Old 02-17-2007, 10:02 PM
 
lanamommyphd07's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Everywhere, USA
Posts: 1,053
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I would have to say that as an expecting single mom, I would LOVE to chuck it all and mommy full time, but alas, someone has to pay the mortgage. That said, I would have to win the lottery to be a SAHM, in which case I'd buy a Winnebago and take the growing brood all over the place. But that's just dreaming.
lanamommyphd07 is offline  
#127 of 143 Old 02-17-2007, 10:08 PM
 
maliceinwonderland's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 1,695
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hell yes! I have a year of mat leave coming up for the new baby, and I can't wait to be at home. There just isn't any kind of work I could do outside of the home that would give me the kind of fufillment that being home with dd all day and doing all the steriotypical sahm stuff gives me.

My mom says I was born in the wrong decade
maliceinwonderland is offline  
#128 of 143 Old 02-18-2007, 02:01 PM
 
moderngal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,278
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Nope.
I love working. I find that balancing motherhood with my career is both challenging and rewarding. I wouldn't want it any other way.

modern-mama to DS (5.16.05) and DD (9.11.08) and one more (GIRL!) coming in December
moderngal is offline  
#129 of 143 Old 02-18-2007, 02:03 PM
A&A
 
A&A's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 16,184
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
I think the ideal situation for me would be working part-time.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
A&A is offline  
#130 of 143 Old 02-18-2007, 08:06 PM
 
Azuralea's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 973
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This is my first post ever to MDC but I have been reading for awhile.

I've done both and so I would say no, I definitely would not be a SAHM if I had the chance. Before I was a SAHM I assumed my answer would "Yes of course!" Funny how things work out! :

But then I was a SAHM and what shocked me was that I felt like I was such a better mother when I was WOH. DS is very social, energetic, and outgoing (has been since birth) and I was exhausted and even sometimes resentful trying to fill that need for him. When he started daycare, it was wonderful to see how much he blossomed socially. Playgroups just weren't doing it for either of us and I'm so happy we've been able to give him the experience of daycare. Now, every day, he comes home and tells us all about what he did and who he saw and what games he played, and it's really clear that he loves it. I always hear bad things from people about daycare, and yet it's been an incredible experience for my entire family. My son adores his daycare and it makes me happy to see him so excited for his "school."

We are all so much happier as a family with our current schedule, it's unbelievable. I get the intellectual stimulation I missed horribly when I was SAH, DS gets the social stimulation he needs, and also DH gets a more involved caretaking/nurturing role than he'd had when I was SAH, which my DH is very happy about. Plus we don't have a lot of financial stress when I work, which is something I don't ever want to put my kids through if we are lucky enough to avoid it because I remember how it was as a kid. I grew up with a lot of financial stress and as a result for me it's really important to contribute financially to my DS's wellbeing.

I think it helps that I have a job I love, that pays decently so not all of it is going to childcare, and that most of the time gives me a lot of scheduling flexibility. That doesn't mean there aren't days where I don't fall into bed totally exhausted, but it's a good exhausted versus when I was SAH and fell into bed emotionally depleted and unhappy. :

My best friend is a SAHM and totally loves it and hated being a WOHM. Our kids are like close cousins. It's good for all of us because we both want our kids to learn that mamas can be WOH or SAH but they are all mamas first!
Azuralea is offline  
#131 of 143 Old 02-18-2007, 08:11 PM
 
Annikate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: FL
Posts: 4,777
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Azuralea View Post
This is my first post ever to MDC but I have been reading for awhile.

I've done both and so I would say no, I definitely would not be a SAHM if I had the chance. Before I was a SAHM I assumed my answer would "Yes of course!" Funny how things work out! :
Welcome to MDC!

I totally feel the same way. Before dd1 *of course* I wanted to be a SAHM. No question.

But, like everything in life, things change. Now my feelings have changed.

All these personal stories are so interesting to me! Especially the ones like yours.

I often feel guilty for not wanting to be home w/dds anymore. Like I *should* be grateful that I am able .

But, there are so many other factors to consider: personality types of your children, mom's sanity , what kind of outside support you have etc...
Annikate is offline  
#132 of 143 Old 02-18-2007, 08:15 PM
 
thismama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Nursing the revolution
Posts: 12,099
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Not I. I was a SAHM for my kiddo's first 2 years, and that felt right. Toward then end she got sick of me and I got burnt out, and now I don't know what I would do if I didn't have something else going on. I'd be bored out of my skull, and so would she.
thismama is offline  
#133 of 143 Old 02-19-2007, 12:50 AM
 
Azuralea's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 973
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Annikate View Post
Welcome to MDC!
Thank you for the nice welcome!

I am so glad to read this thread. Just hearing there are other mamas like me is great.
Azuralea is offline  
#134 of 143 Old 02-19-2007, 05:42 PM
 
Belleweather's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: The Heart of the Heartland
Posts: 3,197
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Azuralea View Post
This is my first post ever to MDC but I have been reading for awhile.

I've done both and so I would say no, I definitely would not be a SAHM if I had the chance. Before I was a SAHM I assumed my answer would "Yes of course!" Funny how things work out! :
Hello!

And I completely agree. I'd always wanted to stay at home before I had kids... and I'd still like to have the option to stay home for a while when they're tiny (I went back at 6 weeks, and it was too soon...) but I completely forgot to figure in not only my own need for social stimulation but THEIR need for social stimulation.

My DS is just a people person and he NEEDS to be with other children on a regular basis -- far more regular than I could provide through playgroups and lessons. He loves his mama, but he also loves daycare, and gets antsy on the weekends because he wants to go play with other kids and is bummed that it's not a daycare day. We actually ended up taking a financial hit to keep him in half time daycare even though I have a really flexible schedule this semester because it was important for him.

On the other hand, I'd love to have a more flexible working schedule than I'm seeing other people in my field have too... and the more I'm learning about schooling in the US at the moment, I'm starting to wonder if my outlook might change when they're older.

Spending all of my money and time on this wild, wild life.
Belleweather is offline  
#135 of 143 Old 02-19-2007, 07:49 PM
 
Azuralea's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 973
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Belleweather View Post
... and the more I'm learning about schooling in the US at the moment, I'm starting to wonder if my outlook might change when they're older.
Same here!

One of the reasons we are both WOH now is so that we can save enough money so that if DS needs a SAHP when he is older, we can afford that without (as much) financial stress. Both of us being WOH is going really well now, but it might not always, and we want to be able to respond to that if needed.
Azuralea is offline  
#136 of 143 Old 02-20-2007, 10:14 AM
 
VisionaryMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 3,736
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow! I needed to read this post this morning. I've been struggling with this issue for a while, and it's finally come to a head. I work from home, though how much I work has varied from none to 50+ hours. DS is 2; DD is 6 weeks. I finally (after much guilt and crying) had to admit that I'm not cut out to be at home full-time. The funny thing is that I never wanted to be in the first place; circumstance placed me there.

We've put DS in nursery school 2 days a week, and we have our first babysitting candidate coming today. We're hiring someone for a few hours 2 days a week so that I can work in my home office. The peace I feel at the decision is starting to sink in because I think in the end, everyone will be happy with the decision. DS loves being with other kids. DH says I'm happier, and he'll have more time to study. I feel "real' again. And DD doesn't care one way or another as long as she gets to nurse constantly.

Brandi

It's us: DH , DS ; DD ; and me . Also there's the . And the 3 . I . Oh, and .
VisionaryMom is offline  
#137 of 143 Old 03-02-2007, 12:53 AM
 
runnerbrit's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 324
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I could not be/ would not be a SAHM. Although I adore my boys (I know that goes without saying) there would not be enough stimulation for me. I am a better, more patient mom because I work.
runnerbrit is offline  
#138 of 143 Old 03-02-2007, 03:43 PM
 
Redheaded_Momma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 540
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think I would love to be a SAHM but cannot at this time. However I do have one of the best works situations out there, I think. I am a school nurse so I have winter recess, spring recess, all holidays and the summer off to spend w/DS and I really LOVE my job!

DS is 4!
DD 8/10/10!
Redheaded_Momma is offline  
#139 of 143 Old 03-02-2007, 06:08 PM
 
mamaSun loveMore's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Global Citizen, currently in Hawaii
Posts: 137
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by stpmom View Post
Without a doubt!! If we could financially afford it, which we can't at this time

I hate knowing that dd is with someone else during the day and I find myself not putting forth as much effort toward my job since all I want to do is be home with dd.

:

I'm trying... but i know i'm not doing a great job at work. my dream and goal is to create my own income source, so i can be flexible w/ my kids.
i also think it is very important to have some focus and fulfillment outside the family. my mom was an AP SAHM before there were really names for it, and when we all left the nest, she really grappled with her identity and self-worth. also, i think we would have benefitted from seeing her as a more multifaceted person.
she's fine now: caring for my baby, while i work!
mamaSun loveMore is offline  
#140 of 143 Old 03-02-2007, 08:18 PM
 
KrystalC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: covered in baby drool
Posts: 1,184
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Before I had the baby, I would have said no... absolutely not. Now, I would say HELL YES or at the very least, I'd just go to school and not work at all! My son stays with my mom every day so I know he's being taken care of and loved the way he should, but I dread the day he takes his first steps and I'm not there to see it. I hate leaving him. I hate the idea of missing out on his milestones.
KrystalC is offline  
#141 of 143 Old 03-03-2007, 12:13 AM
 
*Karen*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Lexington, KY
Posts: 2,397
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yes. I totally want to. But I know that if I decide not to go to school that I would regret not having the education. My heart breaks to leave him though. My plan is to get my degree and then have another and be a SAHM for at least two years. It is so hard because we CAN financially afford it, but I really want to have some sort of skill set to get a good job when my children are older. *sigh*

CPST and SAHM to DS (4/20/06) and DD (6/13/08)
*Karen* is offline  
#142 of 143 Old 03-03-2007, 02:14 PM
 
erinsmom04's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 45
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would in a heartbeat.. I love being home with Erin, and wish I was able to do so more... I would even be happy with working from home a day or 2 just to spend some more time with her...
erinsmom04 is offline  
#143 of 143 Old 03-03-2007, 04:24 PM
 
woobysma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: over the moon
Posts: 2,997
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My answer has changed over the years (and even sice my first post on this thread).

DP and I have talked about it, both in the short-term and in the long term and it's a really hard decision. Having one of us stay home ft would mean that we'd pretty much just "survive", but not get ahead financially or professionally, which is a concern for us. We want to buy a house and plan for retirement. I really want to be able to pay for the boys' college without them having to take out student loans and I'd love to be able to help them with a downpayment for their first house.

The older the boys get, the more I realize that mothering really doesn't end at age 5 or 15 or 20. There are things I want to be able to do for them throughout their lives. Some of those goals take money and some of them are more emotional & spiritual. I want to be able to provide material things for them, but I also want them to get drive and passion from me, as well. Working towards my own personal goals helps bring that passion and drive into our household. My 9 year old sees me studying or working late at home and we've talked about what I'm learning at school and what I'm doing at work and it adds to his life rather than take something away from it. I'm still there for him when he needs me and, except for rare occations like when I'm taking a timed test online or have a huge project at work, I'm always ready to drop what I'm doing and be there for him. I also still go on field trips with him and go to his basketball games, etc. I'm still an active part of his life, even when I work. I actually started really thinking about staying home a few months ago and was talking to DS about it and realized that his life wouldn't change at all, really (except that he wouldn't be able to do as many sports and lessons and things). He goes to my parents' after school and is waivered into a school that's better than our local school. He said he would want to keep going to his old school and go to g-ma's after school. SO, maybe I'd pick him up 30 minutes earlier, but that's it. He would have to give up things he loves if I stayed home. That was a wake up call.

As for DS2, I would love to stay home with him. Right now, the hardest part is figuring out what's best for everyone in the long run. Sometimes after a few too many hours at MDC, I start thinking that daycare must be scarring him for life. Then I'll have a day like yesterday when I drop him off at daycare and he doesn't really want to go, so I sat down and did an art project with him for about 20 minutes and he was happy and waiting for snack when I left him. He just kissed me and waived good-bye. When I picked him up, he was playing with one of the teachers and so excited because in his new class they GET TO USE THE REAL POTTY!! I may not be there for every moment of his day, but I still get to share it with him, because he's my son and I'm his mom. He likes talking about what he did during the day and he's getting experiences that I couldn't give him. He has friends and tons of people who care about him. His world is bigger and different because I work, not better or worse.
In the end, I have 2 happy, attached, well-adusted kids and I'm a happy, well-adjusted mom.

So often I hear comments about staying home as if it's "only a couple years", but mothering goes on and on for the rest of your life. I want happy kids, but I also want to have a deep, lasting relationships with my kids as they become adults. As a grown woman the #1 thing that sticks out in my relationship with my own mom is that I feel that she gave up on certain dreams she had. I think she made decisions when we were children that she thought were right for us, but went against what she really wanted for herself. That, beyond anything, has made it harder for us to stay attached as adults. When my kids are grown, I want them to know that I loved them and gave them the best life I could, but I also want them to be proud of who I am as a woman. I want us to be close and I never want them to think that I am unhappy with my life because of things I did for them. So, I work hard every day to find the balance between my kids' needs and my own needs, so we all come out of this as guilt-free adults.
woobysma is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off