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WOHM, WAHM or SAHM - mommas help!

2K views 21 replies 13 participants last post by  HeatherSanders 
#1 ·
How do YOU turn off? I mean, how do you ACTUALLY do it. I have a business I run from my home and it keeps me really much busier than I ever anticipated. That is a blessing. However, I also have (1) child to get up and out the door for school (2) to take care of while I process orders, answer emails, write articles, research, answer phones etc. . . that has to do with the business.

On top of that I am trying to mix in laundry, dishes, housecleaning and letting the dog out to pee on occasion.

Then there is wiping noses, bums, getting lunch, settling naps, nursing and a ton of other things.

So, I am go-go-going all day trying to do the mighty juggling act.

I know
, boo hoo, right?

Let me say I love my work, my kids, my husband (who God bless him, takes the back burner more often than not) and well . . . there isn't one part that I want to give up.

It is just that I run out of time and here it is 2:15 in the morning and I just finished the day - literally, I just finished printing invoices and getting UPS ready to go with my dh on his way to work.

So, mommas - how do you turn off and relax. I can't remember when I relaxed last. I need lessons. I need SOMETHING. I really don't think I can keep this up without dropping the ball somewhere.

I don't feel frantic . . . yet, but there are days when I could pull 'Working Girl' and sit at my desk and cry for 5 minutes (thank you Holly Hunter for revealing a 'need' in my life) just so I can move forward at a somewhat decent, structured pace.

Why do you think my location says - In the Midst of Organized Chaos? That is truth personified in my life!
 
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#2 ·
This isn't very helpful, but how do you do it?? I can't always answer the phone with my 2 year old ds, let alone do anything which might qualify as research (unless it's to discover how long exactly that sippy cup's been under the couch) or writing.
I admire you for getting it so much done! Here's a hug, and hoping you do get some time to yourself!
 
#3 ·
You have to train yourself to do this, but I rec making the hour after kids are in bed YOUR time. Read, watch a show, take a long bath, etc. all the housework and laundry will wait.

Once a month, go get your hair done, get a massage, dip your hands in that wax goop. Or go to the library, bookstore, craft store, etc. alone.

For five minutes a day, practice yoga breathing (this is a lifesaver).
 
#4 ·
Unfortunately I get time to myself at my husband's expense.

I get up early to go to work; I pick up Mallory after work, go home and play/nurse/read with her while also trying to appease my dogs' need for attention, making dinner, doing laundry if we're close to being out of diapers, etc., etc. After a looong bedtime ritual with Mallory, I finish laundry, do the dishes, pay the bills, occasionally watch half an hour of TV, and then try to get to bed by 10:30 so I can have a little bit of time to read/write in my journal before going to sleep. Meanwhile, my husband, who in all fairness does help with dinner/dishes/bedtime, is glued to the TV and who will remain there until 1 or 2 in the morning. When I tell him good night, he invariably says, "Well, thanks for spending so much time with me tonight."

I have gotten over being irritated with this comment. I've explained that I go to bed early because I have to get up early. I've explained that after a long day of working and then being completely involved with Mallory's needs--which incidentally will surface again around midnight, when she'll wake up and need to be nursed back to sleep--I need a few minutes ALL BY MYSELF to relax. (And the absolute last thing I want to do is have sex!) Besides, we spend all weekend together and we IM each other all throughout each workday, so it's not like we never spend time together.

Some days I feel bad for "neglecting" him. Some days I'm just annoyed with him for not helping out more. But the bottom line is that Mallory's needs are, for the moment, more pressing and important than his. I'll have more time for him in four or five years. (Unless we have another kid!) Until then, he's just going to have to be patient.

But, I will say that my life seems much easier than yours, Heather. I have one kid and a (seemingly) less demanding occupation (in that I go to work, put in my hours, and come home and don't think about it again until I go back the next morning). You deserve that 5-minute cry!
 
#5 ·
You know, you guys are right . . . I really must just pull out those few minutes to do something FOR ME. I just really don't want to get behind (I think I live in fear of getting behind).

On top of that, I am seriously considering homeschooling/unschooling Emelie next year, because I'm disturbed that she is away 8 hours a day and comes home with a gazillion worksheets that she has colored, but no practical life skills.

Why am I pressuring myself to meet every end?

Is this a mother thing?

I don't remember reading about this need to be good at all of it. I guess it could be labeled "SuperMom WannaBe Syndrome."
 
#6 ·
Heather....
sometimes i feel like my life is a house of cards....one wrong move and the whole thing collapses. I do not have a home business, but i work weekends in a local ER, and am also a student. i get up very early, get the kids up and ready, the 2 older to school. come home do beds and a few chores, take whatever out for dinner. get my 5 year old situated. i usually do the bulk of my schoolwork in the hours after lunch, until the older kids come home from school. then i do some laundry, get dinner started, return/make phone calls, pay bills. my 5 yr old goes to morning preschool m-w-f. on those days i make sure no matter how busy i am i stop at the bagel shop and get my favorite breakfast. then i run around doing the million errands that are so much faster to do without the 5 yr old.

like you, i find myself up at the computer at 1am finishing a paper, figuring out microbiology and biochemistry. i get my haircut and eyebrows waxed no matter what. i like a good pedicure, and get them in the summer. i rarely go out to lunch or dinner or the movies. i just dont have the time. and when i go to work...its a real break form the home routine. i could see where you would get bogged down (and all moms who do home businesses). on the days i work at the hospital, i do nothing but that...no schoolwork, chores, etc. (besides i work a 13 hour day, not much left!).

i dont have alot of practical advise. just a shoulder and a hug from one working mom to another.


Lisa
 
#7 ·
I (sort of) played hooky yesterday, and that worked well. I had too full a plate and a sick (but not that sick) child. I called in, worked a couple of hours at home, did a little of this and that but really just played with ds, and then picked the ball back up in the afternoon--I did eventually go in to the office for an hour. We had weird 80-degree weather and I figured I had to take advantage before it goes back to 40.
:
 
#8 ·
I'm a Mary Kay consultant and one thing that is strongly recommended is to have a weekly plan sheet and a daily plan. The weekly plan sheet is just a big grid listed Sunday-Saturday and broken down my 1/2 hr increments.

You're supposed to take a half hour or so on Saturday to plan your next week. You use different colors for work, church, school, kids, etc., and put it on your fridge or wherever you will see it all the time (and family will see, too). You may not always stick to the plan, but it shows what you need to do and when.

Then, at the end of each night, you make a list of your 6 goals for the next day (most urgent first). As you accomplish them, you cross them off. If something doesn't get done, you put that down for the next day.

The idea is that if you can see your day and week all planned out, even if you don't get to something, you're not spending 20 minutes at any given point saying 'what am I supposed to do now'. You can also see where you have time and plan your alone time.

When I follow this, I'm amazed at how much longer my week gets. It really works. If I don't do it, I find myself just walking around in a fog trying to figure out what to do. It's hard to get used to it at first and I rarely stick to my plan perfectly, but at least I know what I'm missing and it helps me to prioritize.

I also for a while was planning a months worth of meals at a time. I'd make a calendar on the fridge and see at a glance what I needed to defrost for the next day or what to start in the crockpot in the morning. It's amazing how much time I saved when I didn't spend an hour trying to figure out what to make for dinner, then running to the store b/c I didn't have the ingredients. I really need to get back to that- it also saved me $$$$ b/c I planned a shopping list around that and reduced trips to the store.
 
#9 ·
I think it's so hard for working mothers to have "me" time. I know that I work long hours, so I have very little time at home during the week, and I spend most of the weekend trying to clean, buy grocercies, do laundry, pay bills, etc... If I'm very lucky, I might get to do yoga. My naturopath said I really need to do yoga at least once a week for some back and neck problems I have. If I'm lucky, I get to do a 20 minute yoga routine twice a month. That's the closest I get to "me" time, and considering it's doctor-ordered, I don't know if that even really counts, but I do notice I feel better when I do it, so I consider it me time.

I recently went to a legal education seminar discussing balancing work and family life. Somebody asked a similar question to the panel. All of the working mothers essentially said they had no me time while their children were school-age. One of the male lawyers said it's so important to get that hour a day to yourself. I actually laughed out loud at the thought of getting an hour a day to myself! I get about 40 minutes a month.
 
#10 ·
We don't co-sleep anymore and dd usually goes down between 8-8:30, so that is ME time! I can see, however, that having a home business could infringe upon all available ME time. I think you need to make a regular appointment to get out of the house! My group of mom friends goes out once a month for a moms-night-out. Sometimes we meet at a restaurant, other times at a bar for a drink, but it's so nice to get out and talk about non-baby things (well, sometimes!) with friends! We're gone for no more than 2 hours, but it's a very valuable two hours! We've been doing this for about a year now, I make it an absolute priority!
 
#11 ·
Wow, thank you . . . I am writing things down to sort of ponder over. I like the 'scheduling windows of activities' and I really like the 'girls night out!'

Not only that, but it is nice to know that I'm not the only one that struggles - that it isn't a deficiency in me or just that I'm incapable of achieving this task of do-it-all-ism.
 
#12 ·
ITA with a lot of these suggestions. When I feel overwhelmed, I let house stuff slide. Skip the laundry once and then make it up the naxt day. While I would be folding diapers, I put Sephie in bed and then take a hot bath. I get out to nurse her to keep her asleep periodically and then reheat the water. I just got a great book form wahm.com . I found it for $3 at the book store near my house, it's called the WAHM guidde to working at home or something and it has tips for staying sane. I could get you a copy or I can photocpoy that section. If you want to go get your hair done and you don't want to leave Kenny, you can have a good friend come with you to a beauty parlor and hold him while you get your hair done, then if he needs you, you're right there, but you don't have to stay totally focused on him. I'll go reread that section in the book and see if i can't think of something else.
Lauren
 
#13 ·
that I'd have to say WOHMs have over WAHMs is that (most of the time) we can leave it at the office! You all can't do that, since you're right there with it! That's one reason my DH was not only supportive of my going back to the office, but encouraged it -- because I *couldn't* seem to get that balance for myself!

That said, I like what the Mary Kay rep. said about scheduling your time. That way, maybe you can "find" half an hour or so somewhere in your day that can be "fun" time, even if not "me" time (like if your child doesn't "cooperate" with nap time on schedule!). Decompression time, I guess, is what I'm saying. Gee, if you were in an office, you couldn't throw in a load of laundry if you had a free moment, so why pressure yourself to do it if you're at home? Know what I mean? Relax your standards. Be a nice boss to yourself.
 
#14 ·
Quote:
Originally posted by tracymom
Gee, if you were in an office, you couldn't throw in a load of laundry if you had a free moment, so why pressure yourself to do it if you're at home? Know what I mean? Relax your standards. Be a nice boss to yourself.
You know, that is SUCH a valid point!!!
 
#16 ·
Also, as a WOHM, you get MATERNITY LEAVE!!! Good Goddess Woman!! You just had a baby!!!
Give yourself a *&(^*&* break!!! Um...sorry about that little outburst of mine...but if you are not gentler to yourself, who will take care of Kenny when YOU end up in the HOSPITAL????
Is there any way someone can take something over. Either help out A LOT with the business to give you a sort of maternity leave, or have someone come in and clean for you? You need to chill, enjoy that babe of yours....just my humble .02 cents

Peacefully,

Mamasoleil
 
#17 ·
ITA with the folks who said "be a nice boss to yourself" (or at least a reasonable one!) and "you just had a new baby - give yourself a break!!" If there's any spare money (or if you can rearrange your finances so as to reallocate money to a different purpose) then think about getting someone in for several hours per week to either take over some basic task (envelope stuffing or the like), or to watch the kids for a couple hours, and use that time to take a long, hot bath, do yoga, go running, or something, anything that you'll enjoy that's just for YOU. You need it. A fried, crispy mama who's also running a business and is fried and crispy with respect to it is a recipe for DISASTER. If you must, think of it not merely as helping yourself out, but also helping everyone else. Sanity is NOT overrated.
 
#18 ·
You know, my husband sat down last night to re-work the family budget to see what we could do in the way of outside help coming in. I would SOOOOOOOO give up 'something else' for another hand around here on most days.

I think the greatest blessing has been to have Kenny during this time with the biz. He MAKES me stop (or at least sit still) to nurse.

My husband got on to me last month when the Fleece Pouch arrived. He said, "Why did you buy another wrap?" My answer made me realize if I didn't watch out I would miss the point of ap altogether. I bought that pouch so I could hold Kenny 'without hands' at the keyboard and nurse while I worked.
How is THAT for crappy quality time. I mean, once in a while is fine, but I know he has to 'feel' any tension that is running through me.

SO . . . for the past week I have made it a point at every feeding to go to our favorite place on the couch and SIT STILL and BE COMPLETELY 100% ABOUT HIM for that period of time. Well, Meredith usually comes along to nurse her babies too!
And as luck would have it, that great hormone kicks in and we all end up napping at least once a day (see . . . Meredith is even getting into the swing with 'pretend' nursing :LOL ).

This weekend I am backed up like mad b/c I decided to take one full day off a weekend from work.

I got dressed and went to church, but have been in a t-shirt and undies since and feel rather 'lazy.' Kind of nice!


Oh, and I did have a long cry Friday night. Put the girls to bed and Jeff and I discussed expectations. He has so fewer expectations of what I can 'do' than I do (not in a bad way either) - so, that was a relief. To know I wasn't failing him in some way.

What is it with mommas? We always feel that we are failing someone if we aren't doing everything for everyone all at once!?
 
#19 ·
Yeah, we do. I'm glad you guys had that conversation. I keep Sephie in the sling when I'm on the comp for her naps and when she is nursing to sleep. I think it's nice. Not that I don't like your nursing plan. I think that's a SUPER great I idea. Have you read the Continuum Concept? It talks about how babies are in arms as we do our daily stuff. Well, your daily stuff is computer stuff too, and Kenny gets to participate and sponge that up too! As long as he is comfortable, I say it's okay. Maybe you could take a walk with him in the sling too. I think it's a great perspective for young'uns in the sling, seeing the world. I brought that book over to the MIL/computer house. Yes, I'm a WAHM without an ISP! Here are some ideas--

(In this pause before I went to get hte book I went to the bathroom with Sephie in the sling- talk about a crappy time! :LOL )

Get out and meet new people, (preferably like-minded)

Don't give up your old hobbies, just have more realistic expectations, like don't try to make all your kids' clothes, but keep some sewing or knitting projects for yourself and take time to work on them

Nurture your friendships

Take a class on something that you're interested in so you feel like you're continuing to grow as a person-- which you are!

Go through your old stuff and donate it to charity, or find a charitable cause and find a way to contribute in a way that's realistic for you-- I was thinking you can make it a family project

Take care of yourself! Hygiene, beauty, etc. Make sure you are feeling good and looking good! (I recommend getting up and taking a shower and getting dressed [nothing fancy, but comfy and nice looking, like jeans and a nice t shirt or blouse] and even putting on mascara and lipstick before you start your day. You'll feel more like a "working mama" and when you walk by a mirror you won't think, "Damn, I look like a mess and so does my desk, and my laundry and my..." You'll feel better if you have to run errands and you don't feel like you look like all you do is chase after kids, KWIM? Even if that's mostly what you do...


Take some time to meditate or focus, write in a journal or pray

Get up earlier and then take a nap with your baby/child/ren

Finally, my advice is, stop being so demanding of yourself. Chances are, your family is not as demanding of you as you are of yourself. I do let things go and I ask Robbie to do them once in awhile, even though i know he is tired and works all the time-- so do I and I will take up some of his slack when he needs it. It's a give and take and I'm sure your dh would be happier if he did a little bit more around the house and didn't have an insane stressed out wife. He loves you and you're in it together, KWIM? He sounds like he really wants to help. Things will get easier, they always do...

Love & Blessings,
Lauren
 
#20 ·
Quote:
Originally posted by veganmamma
Have you read the Continuum Concept? It talks about how babies are in arms as we do our daily stuff. Well, your daily stuff is computer stuff too, and Kenny gets to participate and sponge that up too! As long as he is comfortable, I say it's okay.
I haven't read that book, but read reviews on it - another on my list.
I DO realize that a sling/pouch at the computer is not a bad thing at all - and he'd much rather be next to me like that then even in his swing right next to me. I was just evaluating my thought processes and realizing that although I can utilize it positively - that wasn't my original intent. I was just trying to squeeze more 'things' in 'less time.'

Kenny LOVES going out in the pouch. The girls had an Easter Egg Hunt/Craft Booth thing at our church and he stayed in it . . . loves the Kangaroo carry and then got a bit crabby so I layed him in it deep and he crashed for a good hour. I had more people say, "Boy I wish I could be carried around in one of those!"

Quote:
(In this pause before I went to get hte book I went to the bathroom with Sephie in the sling- talk about a crappy time! :LOL )

Too funny! :LOL
I have done some of the suggestions - looking into yoga for ME (and this flabby, post-baby-belly body), cleaned out the house and clothes from the kids 2 weekends ago (that always feels good - though I did it AT THAT TIME b/c I ran out of storage as the office has steadily not become ENOUGH room! :LOL ),

I do need to make it a point to upkeep. Since I don't usually wear make-up around the house, I use lip balm . . . but I like to be clean and dressed in case the UPS man arrives and sometimes I drag on getting cleaned up.

I NEED to journal. I've journaled every emotion I've had until I had Kenny. Then I started journaling for him (as I do for both of the girls) and just dropped mine altogether. It was my place to spill raw emotion uncensored - I think that is a major 'miss' in my life right now.

Love and blessings back atcha - thanks for taking the time to type out all those suggestions!
 
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