Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Chapel Hill, NC
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I work and study at home, I am a single mother of a 21-month-old (and 18- and 22-year-old girls who are not around very much). After looking for quite a while, I found a daycare I like and I signed my little guy up. Today was the second day that I left him. It was awful.
When I put him in the car after a two-hour stay this morning, he was wanting more nursing, but I told him again, no more right now, we have juice or water or food if you want, and that seemed ok with him, he relaxed. He was tired, and then he seemed to have this weakened, resigned, and sad way about him. He had been crying off and on while there, but was not crying when I got there. He looked at me, and I looked at him, and I talked to him a bit. He then developed for a moment the most deeply sad, scared, and forlorn look that I have ever seen on him, by far.
I have been alone with him here at home lot. I am in a custody battle over him that is now very long and bitter and frightening to me. I have felt like I needed time to do my study and my work, and that my son needs a place to play, and also a chance to bond with another adult or two; a replacement for the extended family we don’t have here.
Now I feel that I have been misled. Not in a big way overall. But I think we are told over and over again to ignore our mothering instincts. Daycare people and child-development specialists may be ignoring important things. When I got home today and he fell asleep I did a search on the net. I found an article on the childcare debate that referenced a study in Israel, which apparently indicated that daycare children consistently had more problems relating intimately when grown up then those raised at home.
I could see it in my son today; the breech of trust. I could feel the shutting down from the transgression and the loss in his affect, and in my soul; very painful. Yet, I am told “he’ll get over it” and “its harder on mom then on the child” and ‘be confident and unwavering in your attitude and that will help him.”
Really? Now I wonder. This is what I mean by misled.
Ok, we get over it, but we are also darn good at ignoring the inner, long-term effects, of everything, not just childcare. I want my son to be able to trust deeply and live a full and rich life, including deeply-trusting intimate relationships. Come to think of it, I am not able to model this one for him.
I co-sleep with him and I nurse him. I go to API groups, and it comes naturally to me to practice the AP way. Yet I need support for his care. I need to trust my feelings on this, too. I don’t want to ignore it.
Thanks for listening and for your caring responses.