Worried about bonding / attachment... - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-09-2007, 07:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My dd is 3 1/2 mos old and I've been back to work for about 2 months now. I have just really started to worry about our relationship, no particular reason, just a feeling. I work full-time, take her to daycare just before work, feed her at lunch, and pick her up right away after work. I try to spend as much time playing with her as I can in the evening, but I also have to try to clean, make dinner, get things ready for the next day, etc.
I just feel like I'm losing that connection I had with her. She is EBF, gets EBM at daycare, we can't co-sleep (my fault, I'm dangerous in my sleep ), she's never alone, has never CIO, etc.
Right now not working isn't an option, I'm trying to get set up to work 1-2 days from home. Regardless of whether that works out, I have to wait another 1.75 years (counting the days!) before I can be a SAHM. That'll be too late if we really are losing touch already.
So, I guess I'm just looking for any suggestions to help us stay tuned in to eachother? (also posted in Life with Babe)
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Old 05-09-2007, 08:21 PM
 
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Do you put her in a sling? I have never found a sling I liked, but my DDs have spent a lot of time in my arms (and in the Bjorn when we are out and about.)We co-sleep, but I can understand if it's not the choice for you.

Also, do you nurse with skin to skin contact? How much time do you spend snuggling after work?
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Old 05-09-2007, 08:39 PM
 
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You say you aren't co-sleeping; does she sleep in your room? We had the arms reach, so she was right next to us all the time (still is! though in a crib instead).

But it also sounds as if you're doing everything you can to foster the connection. Can you put your finger on what it is that troubles you?

Mom of two girls.
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Old 05-09-2007, 09:42 PM
 
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If you have a sling can you wear her while you do our chores? I wore ds all the time because I was working at home - I didn't have to go back into an office until he was a year old. I think also having her sleep in your room and the skin to skin contact.

Is there something specific that is making you feel this way?
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Old 05-09-2007, 09:51 PM
 
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At 3.5 months there isn't a lot of "feedback" yet from the baby - that will develop over time. You could just be feeling hard on yourself right now and projecting fears onto the baby. I found that practicing as much AP as possible really helped stay connected.

Good luck!
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Old 05-09-2007, 10:00 PM
 
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can i just tell you how GREAT it is that you nurse her during lunch?

have you tried taking baths with her? that's something you have to do for work, but it could be about bonding with babe...
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Old 05-09-2007, 11:57 PM
 
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Are there any sorts of signs that you feel your baby is giving you that are causing you to feel this way? How is the eye contact going? How are you feeling about the care she is receiving? Are you getting any help in the evenings so that you can be more attuned to her rather than doing tasks? I just want to validate your feelings in case they are really picking up on something, even though most of us just go through phases where we feel doubt.

 
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Old 05-11-2007, 12:25 AM
 
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Oh, this is such a hard time! Just keep going - you'll get your connection back with your babe. You are the MOM no matter who else takes care of your child!
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Old 05-11-2007, 01:22 AM
 
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Originally Posted by UrbanEarthMom View Post
At 3.5 months there isn't a lot of "feedback" yet from the baby - that will develop over time. You could just be feeling hard on yourself right now and projecting fears onto the baby.
Exactly what I was going to say.

After a couple months the adrenaline of going back to work has subsided, you've let your guard down a bit & reality has set in (at least that's what happened with me). But it truly sounds like you're doing everything right.

At 3.5 months you're definitely not going to get a lot of regular feedback. Just wait until they can snuggle you and tell you that they love you : It's such a cliche, but it really is the QUALITY not the QUANTITY. And you don't always need a set block of "bonding time". Some of our best times have been when Amelia was watching me cook or clean and just goofing around and making faces at each other.

You're doing fine mama

---Jessica---Livin' my life from A Peace.gif(1/05 ) to Z  jammin.gif(4/08 ).....and z babyf.gif(3/11)

 

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Old 05-11-2007, 06:08 AM
 
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It sounds like you're doing everything right and are (and will stay) plenty bonded. The problem, I think, is that you have a big helping of guilt to go along with it.

I agree that at this age, there's not a lot of feedback to let you know that you're doing the right things. But when they get older and yell "Mooooommmmy!" while running into your arms the moment you see them after work, you'll know the bond is there. You'll know before then, too, but it's more subtle.

Just know that you are doing things right and a good healthy bond is forming. Try to let go of the guilt. If you don't, you'll end up looking back at it all and realizing that it was all needless anyway.

Mama to Boy (2) and Girl (5)
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Old 05-12-2007, 01:01 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanEarthMom View Post
At 3.5 months there isn't a lot of "feedback" yet from the baby - that will develop over time. You could just be feeling hard on yourself right now and projecting fears onto the baby. I found that practicing as much AP as possible really helped stay connected.

Good luck!
I AGREE! I was pretty much a SAHM when my DD was that age (took classes online that semester) and I thought she hated me or there was something wrong with her.

Five or six months was a turn-around for us. (My dd also had health issues that began to resolve at that time) Just keep doing what your doing... you dc is SO lucky to have a momma that is willing to do so much!
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Old 05-13-2007, 12:34 AM
 
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Originally Posted by PiePie View Post
can i just tell you how GREAT it is that you nurse her during lunch?

have you tried taking baths with her? that's something you have to do for work, but it could be about bonding with babe...
Yeah that. I went back to work when dd was really young and I was not able to get to her at lunch time to nurse. PiePie's bathing idea is a great one. I used to have a bath with dd every evening and nurse her in the tub. It was so relaxing and we both enjoyed it. Also try massaging her with some baby oil or lotion.

Hang in there. I'm sure you and your little one are bonding.

Kim, proud CPS mom to Marnie and my 4 legged kids, Jess, Zander, Oliver, Stumpy and Eddie.
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Old 05-14-2007, 05:19 PM
 
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You're doing fine. 3 months is teeny, and they don't give a lot of feedback. I agree with a previous poster that you might be beating yourself up a bit? It is perfectly possible to work outside of the home and also be AP.
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Old 05-14-2007, 05:55 PM
 
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I went back to work when DD was 3 months and know exactly how you feel. I also go and nurse her at lunch and pick her up when I'm done (DH takes her in the morning). When we first started and for a couple months after (DD is now 8 months!!!), she would literally be ready for bed when we got home. I felt like I never got to see her and that all she wanted from me was food. I felt really bad about my decision to go back. But when she hit about 5 months, she really started getting so much more interactive and showing how happy she was when I would walk into the room to nurse her or pick her up. I feel very connected to her now.

You are doing everything right and the PP have given you some great suggestions to help you feel more connected. Keep up the good work!
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