The things people say - Page 6 - Mothering Forums

Reply
 
Thread Tools
#151 of 169 Old 01-16-2008, 12:37 PM
 
dentmom3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: CT
Posts: 368
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by loraxc View Post
No one ever seems to feel called to make comments to my husband about his career vs. family choices.
Absolutely!

Monday night DS 16 months started vomiting. No prob - I don't work on Tuesdays. Last night DD is coming down with it too. I feel myself growing hostile towards DH. Why? Well because when a kid is sick it is ME who takes the time off, ME who scrambles for backup care, ME who makes the sheepish phonecalls to sitters and/or work. So just when I need to be nurturing toward DD I am instead feeling my blood pressure rise as I stress about cancelling patients or bringing a sick child to the office with me. DH - no worries at all, he (and society) have no expectations that he should be required to take care of a sick child.

BTW, DD is better today but stayed home with a friend of mine. I did express all this to DH (and more!!) who vowed to take my career more seriously in the future. Or at least until the next child is sick...
dentmom3 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#152 of 169 Old 01-16-2008, 02:32 PM
 
diamond lil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Toddlerville
Posts: 1,933
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm newly pregnant and people have already started asking me if I plan on staying at home. I do not. I plan to continue working and I'm lucky that I have a job that will allow me to do a lot of my work from home.

But I've had comments like, "Oh, wouldn't it be soooo nice to just stay at home?" as if staying home is somehow getting out of work. : I have all the respect in the world for SAHMs. It's not an easy job and I resent the fact that people have implied to me (not on this board) that it is somehow "nicer" or "easier."
diamond lil is offline  
#153 of 169 Old 01-16-2008, 03:00 PM
 
DariusMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: I've been in the lowlands too long
Posts: 2,282
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by loraxc View Post
I think the issue is less the mommy war thing of "working moms/stay-at-home moms get no respect" and more one of "WOMEN and mothers get no respect." No one ever seems to feel called to make comments to my husband about his career vs. family choices.
Amen! So true, so true . . .
DariusMom is offline  
#154 of 169 Old 01-16-2008, 04:29 PM
 
woobysma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: over the moon
Posts: 2,997
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by loraxc View Post

No one ever seems to feel called to make comments to my husband about his career vs. family choices.
Very True, and yet I do think men face the opposite kinds of pressure where most are absolutely looked down on if they put family before work.

DS2 needed to stay home yesterday to get over a stomach bug he had on Monday night. DP and I usually trade off if one of the kids is sick on a day I work in the office, but I just really couldn't stay home. I only work in the office 3 days a week, and I've talken a bunch of sick time for myself lately.
So, DP moved some appointments around so he could stay with DS.

His cell phone is really loud, so I could hear the people he was talking to. I was actually a little shocked. Everyone was all "OH, that's fine. We'll just do it on Thursday" blah blah blah.......... until DP said his son was sick and that's why he had to move stuff around.

Suddenly, there's an awkward silence and a "Uh.. OK man. I, uh, guess we'll see you later this week."
woobysma is offline  
#155 of 169 Old 01-16-2008, 05:46 PM
 
GuildJenn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Toronto
Posts: 4,517
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Azuralea View Post
Oh, yes, the snark definitely runs the other way as well. There's the "what do you do all day" line, or the classic "my brain would rot if I wasn't working; I just don't know how you do it without going crazy." I have one SAHM friend who got an incredibly nasty one the other day: "I could never be comfortable being a parasite on my husband."

I've had nastier comments about my WOH than when I was SAH, but because WOH is so much better for my family, and SAH was not good for us, the SAH ones probably stung me more. I suppose I was more vulnerable. Now I can roll my eyes, feel sorry for the person compelled to spit out nastiness, and move on.
Your second paragraph is exactly my experience.

This is what I don't get: we're ALL working. I wouldn't expect my DCP to work AND care for my son because hello, it's WORK. That's why the comments in the other direction are so weirdly wrong too.

~ Mum to Emily, March 12-16 2004, Noah, born Aug 2005, Liam, born January 2011, and wife to Carl since 1994. ~
GuildJenn is offline  
#156 of 169 Old 01-16-2008, 06:59 PM
 
madskye's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,183
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by loraxc View Post
: No one ever seems to feel called to make comments to my husband about his career vs. family choices.
Hmmm...maybe the way we women respond is part of the problem. I mean, honestly, if anyone ever said any of these comments to my husband his response would probably be something along the lines of:

"Oh, shut up, you toolbox."

Maybe men police themselves better.
madskye is offline  
#157 of 169 Old 01-17-2008, 01:19 AM
 
Perdita_in_Ontario's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Canada's National Capital Region
Posts: 1,928
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by loraxc View Post
No one ever seems to feel called to make comments to my husband about his career vs. family choices.
Oooh, they have to mine. He took 6 months paternity leave and he got all kinds of ignorant remarks about 'have a nice vacation' and 'yeah i guess we need to hold your job for you just like when a woman takes mat leave'. He got the distinct impression that his career suffered for taking the pat leave (which really, is pretty similar to what quite a lot of women feel...).

Perdita - newly SAHM to DD July/05 & DS Feb/10 joy.gif
Perdita_in_Ontario is offline  
#158 of 169 Old 01-17-2008, 02:27 AM
 
siobhang's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Annandale, VA
Posts: 2,407
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Perdita_in_Ontario View Post
Oooh, they have to mine. He took 6 months paternity leave and he got all kinds of ignorant remarks about 'have a nice vacation' and 'yeah i guess we need to hold your job for you just like when a woman takes mat leave'. He got the distinct impression that his career suffered for taking the pat leave (which really, is pretty similar to what quite a lot of women feel...).
During babywatch with DS2 (i.e. me pregnant at 37-42wks), dh's boss proposed a huge rollout of a new database structure, which would have required dh to be on call 24/7. When dh told him that he would not promise to be available because when ds2 was born, he was taking off at least a week, his boss said "why do YOU need to be there. She's the one having the baby, right?" (boss hadn't had kids at that point...).

He then quipped later on "why can't you be more like M - his wife had TWINS and he didn't even miss a day of work."

Dh replied, "that is because M is an a$$hole who hates his family."

But yes, men absolutely do get penalized for defining their responsibilities to their family as anything other than earning lots of $$.

You know the attributes for a great adult? Initiative, creativity, intellectual curiosity? They make for a helluva kid...
siobhang is offline  
#159 of 169 Old 01-19-2008, 01:50 PM
Guest
 
93085's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 289
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
"You kow, if you don't make at least $30K ayear, it's not worth working because your paycheck gets eaten up by daycare, drycleaning, commuting, etc." Um, I think I've got that covered. I have an actual career here, not a paper route.
Ouch, dude. Guess the belittling comments don't come from just one corner, huh?
93085 is offline  
#160 of 169 Old 01-19-2008, 02:06 PM
 
marybethorama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Western MD
Posts: 3,376
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by loraxc View Post
: Careful, there. I have an actual career, too, but they pay me like it's a paper route. (I work for the state.)
.
That's about right

I probably get paid less than my paper carrier since he gets tips to supplement his pay (At least I'm assuming he gets them from most people- I know we give him one)

I'm an adjunct at a community college AND I work in the student success center. The latter job pays about the same as MacDonalds but at least I don't have to wear the uniform :P

I do hope to have an actual career (of some sort) someday but I'm returning to work after SAH for many years and I'm an academic spouse so my choices are very limited.
marybethorama is offline  
#161 of 169 Old 01-19-2008, 04:33 PM
EVC
 
EVC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 4,252
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Careful, there. I have an actual career, too, but they pay me like it's a paper route. (I work for the state.)
.
And I'm a full time grad student living on a TA stipend. Financially, a paper route would be a step up for me

PhDin' mama to dd (Oct. 2005)
EVC is offline  
#162 of 169 Old 01-20-2008, 01:19 AM
 
rinnerin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Oh look! A little plastic castle!
Posts: 611
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by DRJ View Post
I used to get irritated when other moms would give me sage advice like, "You kow, if you don't make at least $30K ayear, it's not worth working because your paycheck gets eaten up by daycare, drycleaning, commuting, etc." Um, I think I've got that covered. I have an actual career here, not a paper route.
Isn't it funny how we respond differently to different things? I interpreted this comment as saying that there were other reasons to work than how much the mother makes, and that one of those was that it's harder to leave a particular career and come back, and one may be willing to make less than the cost of daycare, drycleaning, etc to maintain continuity in a career. Thus, different than a paper route, which is easy to leave and come back to. Maybe DRJ will come back and clarify.

These types of comments do really bother me, because they put the responsibility of childcare costs on the mother, instead of on the family unit. What they are really saying is that child care is the responsibility of only one person in the realtionship, and if they aren't able to pay for childcare, right now, then they shouldn't work. It ignores career growth, and any potential income growth in the future. In addition, it reduces WOHM to a purely financial decision, which we all know it isn't. Applying this logic, most women wouldn't go to school, because being in school is usually a zero or negative income situation.
rinnerin is offline  
#163 of 169 Old 01-20-2008, 01:26 AM
 
woobysma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: over the moon
Posts: 2,997
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rinnerin View Post
These types of comments do really bother me, because they put the responsibility of childcare costs on the mother, instead of on the family unit. What they are really saying is that child care is the responsibility of only one person in the realtionship, and if they aren't able to pay for childcare, right now, then they shouldn't work. It ignores career growth, and any potential income growth in the future. In addition, it reduces WOHM to a purely financial decision, which we all know it isn't. Applying this logic, most women wouldn't go to school, because being in school is usually a zero or negative income situation.
Excellent points! I hate it when people reduce a woman's career path to simply a money thing. It's so much more than that in the long run and your points about career growth and school are really valid. If I'd followed that line of thinking as a single mom at 19, I'd still be living on welfare at 30 and those same people would probably be talking smack about my "laziness and living off the system".

A good career takes long term investment, usually, whether it be time or money or both.
woobysma is offline  
#164 of 169 Old 01-20-2008, 05:06 PM
 
theatermom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NC
Posts: 974
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rinnerin View Post
These types of comments do really bother me, because they put the responsibility of childcare costs on the mother, instead of on the family unit. What they are really saying is that child care is the responsibility of only one person in the realtionship, and if they aren't able to pay for childcare, right now, then they shouldn't work. It ignores career growth, and any potential income growth in the future. In addition, it reduces WOHM to a purely financial decision, which we all know it isn't. Applying this logic, most women wouldn't go to school, because being in school is usually a zero or negative income situation.
This is what bothered me about my mom's comments concerning my time spent doing theater. I think of that time as an apprenticeship -- I've gained very valuable experience on my own schedule over the past 7 years, and have both the skills and the resume to pursue work that I want when I decide to do it. For my mom to imply that my time was wasted or the experience without value because it didn't come with a paycheck (or a significant one) is degrading. And of course, she was essentially saying that if I wasn't going to be home anyway (which is a whole other discussion, considering exactly how much time I am at home), then *any* old job that paid would be more valuable to me than pursuing my lifelong passion.

I hate that argument about school, too. There is still an underlying idea that the only people who should pursue higher education are those who are going to use it immediately, and without interruption. Otherwise, it's "wasted".

Amanda and Dh, ds 09/00, ds 08/03, ds 10/05, and ds 05/08, and 3 :
theatermom is offline  
#165 of 169 Old 01-20-2008, 10:03 PM
 
rinnerin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Oh look! A little plastic castle!
Posts: 611
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by theatermom View Post
I hate that argument about school, too. There is still an underlying idea that the only people who should pursue higher education are those who are going to use it immediately, and without interruption. Otherwise, it's "wasted".
Ok first, I have such warm fuzzies from being quoted by both you and Woobysma.

Second, I heartily agree with the "wasted education" point you make here. I hate those comments. Although I have to admit that I feel that way about my education, but that's because I am paying for it (and will be for a very long time). I think the value judgment on what someone has done with their education should be up to the individual. If someone else said that to me, heads would roll.
rinnerin is offline  
#166 of 169 Old 01-20-2008, 10:15 PM
 
Azuralea's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 973
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
People use the "wasted education" line against SAHMs all the time. I think it's really ridiculous to say that. :
Azuralea is offline  
#167 of 169 Old 01-21-2008, 02:16 AM
 
leewd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Houston
Posts: 983
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rinnerin View Post
These types of comments do really bother me, because they put the responsibility of childcare costs on the mother, instead of on the family unit. What they are really saying is that child care is the responsibility of only one person in the realtionship, and if they aren't able to pay for childcare, right now, then they shouldn't work. It ignores career growth, and any potential income growth in the future. In addition, it reduces WOHM to a purely financial decision, which we all know it isn't. Applying this logic, most women wouldn't go to school, because being in school is usually a zero or negative income situation.
THIS is exactly WHY I don't want to SAH this year! But, alas, we all do what we must . . .
leewd is offline  
#168 of 169 Old 01-21-2008, 02:52 AM
 
rinnerin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Oh look! A little plastic castle!
Posts: 611
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by leewd View Post
THIS is exactly WHY I don't want to SAH this year! But, alas, we all do what we must . . .


I honestly don't know what we will do when babe #2 comes. I talk a big game now, but when it comes time to pay for daycare for an infant, I will have a very tough decision to make. But I resent the judgment of others on mine and DHs choices.
The cost of daycare is enough for a whole 'nother thread.

ETA: I just realized the spacing of your LOs, wow you must be a very busy mama. And I love their names.
rinnerin is offline  
#169 of 169 Old 01-24-2008, 01:08 AM
 
leewd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Houston
Posts: 983
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rinnerin View Post
ETA: I just realized the spacing of your LOs, wow you must be a very busy mama. And I love their names.
And we finally figured out what causes it! DH is getting that fixed next month.
Thanks, I love their names too. Alex is actually Alexis and Cori is Cordelia.
leewd is offline  
Reply


User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Online Users: 15,606

45 members and 15,561 guests
agentofchaos , chamomileflower , CricketVS , Dakotacakes , Deborah , emmy526 , fljen , fpd1106 , FyerFly , girlspn , hakunangovi , happymamasallie , hillymum , katelove , lalalovely , LibraSun , lilmissgiggles , lisak1234 , Lydia08 , mamabear0314 , MeanVeggie , Michele123 , Mirzam , NaturallyKait , oaksie68 , oldsmom , Pugtato-Chaihuahua , pulcetti , redsally , RollerCoasterMama , rubelin , sciencemum , shantimama , Socks , sren , SweetSilver , TheBugsMomma , verticalscope , Wolfcat , Xerxella , zoeyzoo
Most users ever online was 449,755, 06-25-2014 at 01:21 PM.