hold out for the ideal day care or settle for less? (long and whiny...) - Mothering Forums

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Old 11-08-2003, 03:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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DD has been cared for by a nanny since I went back to work at 2 months post partum.

for a variety of reasons, we are moving on and looking for a daycare provider. I'm kind of freaking out.

Every place I've checked out, both home care and centers, has tons of "bells and whisles" kind of crap(you know, toys that make noises when you push buttons), heavy gender typing. Some of them have tv, most of the home places are really tiny.

I want a non-sexist, multi racial, non authoritarian provider who practices gentle discipline, will respect my dietary stuff, and in general be super respectful. I'm not even coming close to finding it.

Today we checked out a home care that seemed ok, but lots of the toys were electronic, the space was kind of small, and although the provider responded positively to what i said about not hemming in my dd, she also seemed twitchy (a tiny bit) about dd pulling all the toys off the shelf and cruising around.

I am not one of those parents who are truly permissive, I do set boundaries. but only one which make sense! My dd is very spirited, and so far it has not been hard because we do not hem her in in arbitrary ways, we allow her to be boisterous when she feels like it. I absolutely love her fearless and engaged approach to the world and am really afraid of sending her somewhere with a more traditional perspective on obedience and femininity. I am afraid of her spirit being broken! Ahh man, i am feeling like such a drama queen!

I can't afford the nanny anymore. I need to get something together. i can't tell if I should hold out for my ideal or settle. I do have my eye on an awesome coop that dd will be eleigible for in 6 months, so it's only 6 months...but it seems like so much damage can be done in 6 months!


ahhhh!

if anyone has any words of wisdom or advice especialy re: realistic expectations, I'd love to hear them.
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Old 11-08-2003, 04:04 AM
 
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Okay, maybe I'm a bad searcher, but I've come to believe that nothing is truly ideal, kwim? In terms of daycare anyway...obviously you kind of do kwim, since you're moving on from the nanny (btdt too). We've done in home, nanny and center based. We currently send our children to a center based daycare run by a church. It is not our church, it is not our religion, although we do believe in Christ and so does this church, so it's not as if our senses are being offended daily. This is our first experience with religion in the daycare, but I'm telling you, these women are mild--SO mild--it's wonderful, such gentle discipliners with our wild children...we send the food, breakfast and lunch, so no trouble there either. I sent cloth diapers with dd there, again no issues (they balked when I first brought it up but as soon as they saw the actual dipes, all fears were laid to rest), they seem to focus primarily on books and playing, both outside and in...I'm sure there are bells and whistles things, but I've never really seen them...they do have computers, but seeing as I'm currently on one, I obviously see the advantages : . I've also come to believe that a little t.v. or a video now and then is okay while at daycare. They have my kids 9 hours each day, and if they pop in a 30 minute thing once or twice a week, my kids are certainly still going to grow...so...what is my point?

My point is that I agree that the twitchiness is yucky and I'd also worry about breaking the spirit...and maybe I'm over-generalizing, but the gd thing may run in churches, kwim? I suppose it can go either way, but I totally know what you mean about big corporate center based daycares---my kids have been there too, and they also have their advantages---so I now gravitate toward smaller. But maybe if it's not a complete difference between what you believe and what they believe, you might check into the church run daycares in your area? I'm still shocked that we found what we were looking for, but maybe you can too? Good luck! It stinks!

Leah
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Old 11-10-2003, 12:38 AM
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I'd say keep looking. Look at as many as possible and through the search you can fine tune what you are looking for. Maybe you could overlook one thing if the care provider has everything else in spades, you know? And ideally you should be able to communicate with this person very well so if there are any problems you can deal with them together. It's so important to work with your care provider, that would be number one on my list: somebody you can work with.

Good luck and keep us posted,

Liz
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Old 11-10-2003, 03:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you. I posted an ad on Craigslist that was very very specific and I've actually gotten some promising replies, i should have done that awhile ago I guess!

Yeah, I keep telling myself I shouldn't be so picky but then I just can't emotionally feel ok about settling. I mean, this is my kid!!!

Hopefully we'll get something good.
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Old 11-10-2003, 10:09 PM
 
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If you aren't under the gun on timing, then I would keep looking. You may not find exactly everything you are looking for, but I suspect you can find something closer than what you have come up with so far. I doubt anything will be perfect, but if your reaction is "yucky" to someone, even if it seems like a minor thing, than you should listen. Maybe you only ID'ed the minor thing but there are larger issues your instincts are seeing. It might help for you to prioritize your desires in childcare and/or identify those issues which are absolutely non-negotiable and those things that you could give up if you had to.

Good luck.
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Old 11-12-2003, 01:32 PM
 
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I would agree to keep looking until you feel good about the place. I recently did an extensive home day care search and called about 100 and interviewed about 12. I didn't have a time line so I wasn't going to settle. I couldn't believe how many were so unacceptable to me that others brought their kids to. However, I'm very happy with the woman I found though there are a few things I had to "give" on, one is that the tv is sometimes on. But she immediately gave me that "warm" feeling of someone who was going to love my girls and be gentle with them. That was most important to me. And the girls absolutely love her and the rest of the kids.

Good luck; I hope you find the ideal place for you.

BTW, what is Craigslist?

Normee
Mommy to Katie (7/3/99) and Abby (6/30/01)

Normee, married to DH since 1997, mama to DD born 1999 and DD2 born 2001
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Old 11-21-2003, 03:55 AM
 
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Well, I don't really know. If your gut feeling was not good maybe you should keep looking, but from my experience, it pays to call their references. THat is what we did.
When we first interviewed our daycare, the woman did not seem very forthcoming and her place seemed too neat (do they get to play?). The kids were playing outside.
But now DD loves it there and cleanup is part of their routine so it looks picked up. But now I go pick her up and there are toys lying about and the kids are playing. OK, so there are some electronic toys, I could live with that. Some TV, I could live with that too. Ocasionally a snack I would not feed DD at home. She will encounter more of that as she gets older so I can live with that too.
What made us decide to go there were the references of the other parents. And I did have to advocate a bit for DD and getting things done my way. But ultimately this woman would lie down with DD to get ehr down for a nap. Hold her all the time. Well not allthe time, but a lot. And it worked out.
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Old 11-22-2003, 01:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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normee-- craigslist.com is kind of e- bulletin board, started in San Francisco but much broader now, it's a good place to find jobs, housing, yard sales, etc, there's also discusion forums but boy they are RUDE!-- check it out, there might be one in your area-- craigslist.com.

We ended up finding a new nanny who has low money needs. We also found a super daycare coop for her to get into when she's 18 months. Hopefully we're doing the right thing. So tired of being broke all the time and quite frankly, unhappy with the nanny we had, although she definitely cares about dd. We're going to see if there's any way for them to maintian a reationship, if nanny is interested.

anyway, thank you all for the input!
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