Yet another WWYD thread - UPDATE: he's going, I'm not - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 12-22-2008, 12:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
mama_ani's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,788
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
*** Update***
I asked dh a couple times since Christmas what his plans were regarding the dinner. Every time he would say "I haven't thought about it" and walk away. Finally last night he answered (because I asked him while he was cooking so he could walk away ) and said he's going. Last week his mom emailed giving the time/place and I asked why he didn't tell him the real reason I won't be there. He said it's not worth starting a fight again. So we are back where we were 2 years ago - his parents not being mad at him once again is more important than defending his wife.
I definitely won't be at the dinner - ds's surgery is at 10:30 tomorrow morning.
Between this and some major trust issues between dh and I, I really don't know what to do now.

~~~~~
Original post:

Some background... dh and I have been married 6 years. I had three children when we met/married. Right away dh's parents accepted my children as their grandchildren and were wonderful with them. In 2005/2006 dh's sister and I both had babies - suddenly 'my' three were nothing to ILs, they would refer to only the two babies as "their grandchildren." We started not getting invited to family events/dinners/holidays etc. Finally almost 2 years ago dh told them this wasn't okay and it was all of us or none of us. They chose none of us. We have seen them four times in the almost 2 years. Three times it was away from our home (once at the bank, once at my mom's after our youngest's baptism and once at church for the older kids' baptism) The fourth time we saw them is where the problems start again.

Through the whole estrangement I have tried to encourage dh to stay in contact with them, not to burn ALL the bridges, but to just email occasionally so that if he ever did want a relationship with them it might still happen. I did this only to find out that MIL/FIL are going around telling everyone what a rotten b!!ch I am, that all this is my fault, that I'm making up the whole situation etc etc. I decide to take the high road and encourage dh to invite them to a Christmas dinner anyway. That was the fourth encounter with them. I busted my butt getting the house ready. I made sure everything was perfect. I planned the menu around their favourites. I did everything I could to make things perfect. They ignored me. COMPLETELY. They were so @#$@#ing blatently ignoring me - to the point that at the table I was at MIL's left and she turned her chair so she was facing dh at the other end of the table. It was brutal. After they left the three oldest asked me why they would treat me like that. Dh did nothing but apologize to me for two days.

Prior to this dinner they told dh that FIL is retiring and they want adults only to a dinner to celebrate. I'm not into 'adult only' things but it's their dinner, whatever. Baby can have a bottle of expressed breastmilk and solids for the couple hours we would be gone. We agreed to this dinner before they came to our house and were so rude.

I do not want to go in light of how they treated me. I do not want to see them again and they are certainly not welcome into my home if they are going to be that way.

We just got called that ds's dental surgery has been rescheduled for the day before this dinner. He has to have a general anesthetic and have teeth pulled. If we don't tell them the surgery has been moved then I can just stay home to tend ds and have an "easy out" ... but is that stooping to their level? Should we tell them ahead of time and risk them rescheduling it? If they reschedule it will get really ugly if I don't go. I just don't know that I have it in me to take the high road again.

So... would you tell them the surgery date has been changed and risk them rescheduling the dinner? Would you go to the dinner if it was rescheduled and just try to take the high road again? What would you do?

mama to the Girls (15, 14, 13) and the Littles (5, 3) 
mama_ani is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-22-2008, 12:57 PM
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,639
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would expect my dh to say something to his family about how they were treating me. I would then make the decision depending on how that went. To me, the dental surgery would really be a secondary issue.

love.gif

pinksprklybarefoot is offline  
Old 12-22-2008, 07:15 PM
 
kirstenb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: San Diego County
Posts: 5,243
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
:

Your DH needs to have a talk with them about that behavior. That would not be acceptable to me and I doubt I would go to the dinner regardless of how the talk went.

Kirsten, mama to Monkey since May 2007 and Bean born 11/7/09
kirstenb is offline  
Old 12-22-2008, 08:03 PM
 
cristeen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 14,677
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I concur. DH needs to stand up to his parents.

And I wouldn't use the surgery as an excuse, because honestly they've given you all the excuse you need. I'd call them up and let them know that you won't be attending, period. And if they ask why, tell them that they've made it clear you're not welcome, so you'd rather spend the evening doing anything else. Whether your DH goes or not is between you and him.

But I would really stop pushing your DH to maintain a relationship with them. If his siblings don't have the same issues, your family can possibly maintain a relationship with them, but there's no point in maintaining any sort of relationship with such toxic people.

Cristeen ~ Always remembering our stillheart.gif  warrior ~ Our rainbow1284.gif  is 3, how'd that happen?!?! 

We welcomed another rainbow1284.gifstillheart.gif  warrior in May 2012!! 

2012 Decluttering challenge - 575/2012

cristeen is offline  
Old 12-22-2008, 08:40 PM
 
*Jessica*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Western NY
Posts: 3,786
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by cristeen View Post
I concur. DH needs to stand up to his parents.

And I wouldn't use the surgery as an excuse, because honestly they've given you all the excuse you need. I'd call them up and let them know that you won't be attending, period. And if they ask why, tell them that they've made it clear you're not welcome, so you'd rather spend the evening doing anything else. Whether your DH goes or not is between you and him.

But I would really stop pushing your DH to maintain a relationship with them. If his siblings don't have the same issues, your family can possibly maintain a relationship with them, but there's no point in maintaining any sort of relationship with such toxic people.
:

Jessica, wife of Marc and Momma to Nikolai (10) and Nathaniel (9) and Olivia (3).
*Jessica* is offline  
Old 12-22-2008, 08:41 PM
 
Laggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 3,033
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Since they can't act like mature adults, they don't get to have dinner with you. I would stay home, and tell them I was staying home because they were rude to me and obviously were not ready to be civil.

In other words, they're having a time-out from your company until they can act decent.

Finally pregnant with #1 and #2! Due September 9th, 2014 
   
Laggie is offline  
Old 12-22-2008, 08:43 PM
 
onlyzombiecat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Northeast Kansas
Posts: 7,237
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Does your dh want to go at this point? Will you be upset if he chooses to go without you?

Why would they reschedule for you to attend if they turned their backs on you in your own home? Has there been communication about the way they acted?

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't use any excuse other than their behavior.

Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

onlyzombiecat is offline  
Old 12-22-2008, 08:52 PM
 
MusicianDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Tuponia
Posts: 8,928
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would just straight out tell them "You ignored me completely at out dinner and I no longer feel like attending the retirement dinner. If DH wants to go fine, but don't be shocked if he doesn't show up because he didn't appreciate your treatment of me either."

Or have DH say something along those line.

But I would insist on making it very clear that their behavour is the only reason for not attending.

malesling.GIFMutant Papa to DD (12)hippie.gif and DS (2)babyf.gif, married to DHribbonrainbow.gif
If it looks like I'm trying to pick a fight... I'm not, I'm rarely that obvious.hammer.gif
MusicianDad is offline  
Old 12-22-2008, 09:32 PM
 
LaLaLuna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: here, there & everywhere
Posts: 1,277
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
But I would insist on making it very clear that their behavour is the only reason for not attending.
I agree with this; they can be as passive aggressive as they want to be but I think it would be cleaner if you not only declined to go to that dinner but told them why. They're obviously not afraid to burn bridges with you.

The only other thing I could suggest is to contact them directly and ask if there is something they need to clear the air with you about, in light of their behavior at your house. This is an invitation they can take you up on and (hopefully) give you information you need to salvage the relationship or it's something they can deny completely in which case you also have the information you need: in this case, to sever the relationship a there is nothing left to salvage.
LaLaLuna is offline  
Old 12-22-2008, 09:32 PM
 
BunnySlippers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Fluffierville
Posts: 2,392
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
I would just straight out tell them "You ignored me completely at out dinner and I no longer feel like attending the retirement dinner. If DH wants to go fine, but don't be shocked if he doesn't show up because he didn't appreciate your treatment of me either."

Or have DH say something along those line.

But I would insist on making it very clear that their behavour is the only reason for not attending.
That is what I would say!

Decluttering 500/2010
BunnySlippers is offline  
Old 12-22-2008, 09:48 PM
 
Jennifer3141's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Traverse City, MI
Posts: 4,042
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would stop attending any and all gatherings with these people until they grow up. What's your DH say?

secular classical-ish mama to an incredible 5 year old DS and an amazing 6 year old DD.
Jennifer3141 is offline  
Old 12-22-2008, 09:50 PM
 
artemis80's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PNW
Posts: 885
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What everyone else said. Don't go, and tell them why.
artemis80 is offline  
Old 12-22-2008, 09:50 PM
 
kamilla626's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Western Mass.
Posts: 9,322
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
I would just straight out tell them "You ignored me completely at out dinner and I no longer feel like attending the retirement dinner. If DH wants to go fine, but don't be shocked if he doesn't show up because he didn't appreciate your treatment of me either."

Or have DH say something along those line.

But I would insist on making it very clear that their behavour is the only reason for not attending.
Bingo.
kamilla626 is offline  
Old 12-22-2008, 09:52 PM
 
chaoticzenmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 4,666
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree. Be very direct with the real reason that you are not attending. Then, leave the ball in thier court and distance yourselves from them. They've made NO attempts. I can't understand why they changed from supportive to toxic, but they have. Just let them go and let them know why.

Our children make a study of us in a way no one else ever will.  If we don't act according to our values, they will know.~Starhawk Rainbow.gif  New  User Agreement! http://www.mothering.com/community/wiki/user-agreement

chaoticzenmom is offline  
Old 12-22-2008, 11:40 PM
 
mama24-7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: with the dust bunnies
Posts: 2,439
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 12 Post(s)
I agree w/ just about all the PP'ers, except I wouldn't speak for dh & I wouldn't say whether or not he's going. And, I wouldn't bring up the dental thing either; the two are not connected.

I would write down what I wanted to say, practice it a few times, plan to call when the children won't be at your feet, and when whoever answers, say your peace. If it were me, I think I'd say something like: "We invited you to dinner to enjoy each others company and I was ignored the entire time you were here. I am rescinding my acceptance of the invitation to the dinner. Have a lovely time. Goodbye." And that would be it for me.

I've been in situations that the dh should handle w/ his father & he never would. Some times, you have to stand up for yourself, unfortunately. I would be interested to hear what your dh does have to say about all this, but I'm not expecting it to be him dying to stand up for you. BTDT.

Good luck,
Sus

Baby the babies while they're babies so they don't need babying for a lifetime.
mama24-7 is online now  
Old 12-23-2008, 01:26 PM
 
Pagan_princess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Fredonia, N.Y
Posts: 1,079
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
After being treated like that I don't think that I would even want to go. And I wouldn't make excuses for it. I would just tell them (if they even bothered to ask) that their behavior and treatment of your children and yourself that you choose to keep your distance.

Your DH does need to stand up to his parents. This is the family that he chose and if they don't like it then that is their own issue. They are basically making him choose between you and them and it isn't fair.

Did this just start after the babies were born? They just instantly stopped accepting your kids, or was it more gradual????

Keep us updated on what happens

Christina:~Student mama to Collyn(13), Haylea-Ann (9):, and Natalie (8) , and SO to Jeff.
Pagan_princess is offline  
Old 12-23-2008, 01:38 PM
 
sapphire_chan's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 27,052
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wouldn't go and I wouldn't tell them I wasn't coming. Their behavior, as guests in your home, made it clear that as far as they're concerned you don't exist and if you don't exist there's no need to cancel plans.

Your dh, on the other hand, should call them up just before the dinner and say something like "I'm so sorry, an emergency* has arisen and I won't be able to make it."
*Namely, the fact that his parents decided to treat his wife like .
sapphire_chan is offline  
Old 12-23-2008, 02:20 PM
 
RedPony's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 478
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I certainly would make it clear to them how their treatment towards you and your children has made you feel. And I would NEVER. in a MILLION YEARS. attend that dinner. There'd have to be a whole lot of apologizing and blatant butt kissing on their part to even get to see me and mine again (if I wanted to try and fix things). I wouldn't do them any favors!

Stacy - mom to Lily 5-20-06 , Angel, stillborn @ 25 wks 12-17-07 , and Cami 4-21-09.
RedPony is offline  
Old 12-23-2008, 10:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
mama_ani's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,788
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you everyone for your replies.
I am going to talk to dh after Christmas is over and ask him to tell him his parents why I won't be at the dinner. I hope he will.

mama to the Girls (15, 14, 13) and the Littles (5, 3) 
mama_ani is offline  
Old 12-24-2008, 01:28 AM
 
neetling's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: safe in God's arms
Posts: 3,265
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
I would just straight out tell them "You ignored me completely at out dinner and I no longer feel like attending the retirement dinner. If DH wants to go fine, but don't be shocked if he doesn't show up because he didn't appreciate your treatment of me either."

Or have DH say something along those line.

But I would insist on making it very clear that their behavour is the only reason for not attending.

This.

Or just send them a card that says "suck it"
neetling is offline  
Old 12-24-2008, 01:53 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: raising the revolution
Posts: 4,315
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Are you kidding me?? Bless your heart OP, that this is even a dilemma. It would not be for me at all. It would be, a big, fat no way in hell I would be attending a function where people treat me in the manner you've described.

As for my husband, I would leave it up to him whether he goes or not and if he asked my opinion I would just express to him that of course I will still love him if he goes (like, I wouldn't divorce over it!) but that I would imagine he would not feel too good if I spent my time with people who treated him like such trash (parents or otherwise). So, I mean he wouldn't exactly have my blessing but I wouldn't forbid it or anything like that.

Tara
captain crunchy is offline  
Old 12-24-2008, 03:10 AM
 
becoming's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 11,592
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would just have DH tell them that you guys won't be attending because of the way they treated you at the Christmas dinner.
becoming is offline  
Old 12-24-2008, 03:20 AM
 
SAHDS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: surrounded by the Joneses
Posts: 3,422
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by neetling View Post
Or just send them a card that says "suck it"

Oh God, sorry, that was hilarious. Is it wrong that I silently read that in my voice...?

Anyhoo, I wouldn't go either. Why even put yourself out for that type of abuse? Your DH definitely needs to tell them you won't be going, and exactly why.

Sgt. Renninger, Ofc. Owens, Ofc. Griswold, Ofc. Richards, Deputy Mundell
Gone but not fogotten.
SAHDS is offline  
Old 01-08-2009, 06:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
mama_ani's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,788
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
update in op

mama to the Girls (15, 14, 13) and the Littles (5, 3) 
mama_ani is offline  
Old 01-08-2009, 07:24 PM
 
cristeen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 14,677
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm so sorry you're feeling abandoned. Is counseling an option for the two of you? Honestly, without some sort of counseling, I don't know how the two of you are going to be able to move past this together.


Cristeen ~ Always remembering our stillheart.gif  warrior ~ Our rainbow1284.gif  is 3, how'd that happen?!?! 

We welcomed another rainbow1284.gifstillheart.gif  warrior in May 2012!! 

2012 Decluttering challenge - 575/2012

cristeen is offline  
Old 01-08-2009, 09:14 PM
 
BunnySlippers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Fluffierville
Posts: 2,392
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I am so sorry that that was the solution he chose. That is not very supportive of you or your children.
I suggest counselling, or asking your self 'What do I want?' 'Is this what I want?'

Decluttering 500/2010
BunnySlippers is offline  
Old 01-09-2009, 12:12 AM
 
2pinks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: where the sun shines
Posts: 287
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Dh is choosing to support his pweshus mommy and daddy instead of his wife and children. This is NOT acceptable in any way, shape, or form!!!

You don't have an IL problem, you have a dh problem! I would honestly say that him going is a BETRAYAL to you and your marriage.

I would suggest counseling pronto. If he doesn't want to go, then you go by yourself (if you can afford it.)

This isn't a marriage dear. He's already married to his mommy and his daddy. You're there for the sex and to be a womb donor for the family.

Wife to G, mommy to dd1 (99), dd2 (07), dd3 (09)
Three beautiful girls. How did I get so very lucky?:
2pinks is offline  
Old 01-09-2009, 12:25 AM
 
2cutiekitties's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Georgia baby
Posts: 1,150
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by captain crunchy View Post
Are you kidding me?? Bless your heart OP, that this is even a dilemma. It would not be for me at all. It would be, a big, fat no way in hell I would be attending a function where people treat me in the manner you've described.

As for my husband, I would leave it up to him whether he goes or not and if he asked my opinion I would just express to him that of course I will still love him if he goes (like, I wouldn't divorce over it!) but that I would imagine he would not feel too good if I spent my time with people who treated him like such trash (parents or otherwise). So, I mean he wouldn't exactly have my blessing but I wouldn't forbid it or anything like that.

Tara


Good luck.
2cutiekitties is offline  
Old 01-10-2009, 03:26 AM
 
Kidzaplenty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Writing my Happily Ever After
Posts: 15,078
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am so sorry. I would be very angry at DH if he did this and I could not trust him. Actually, we have been there before, but we got through it. Things are much different now.

I hope they get better for you soon.


Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
Kidzaplenty is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off