Updated - I'm out of shelter and Moving Updated Post 53, 74 - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 85 Old 01-06-2009, 07:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I hope it's OK for me to post this here. I am leaving an abusive relationship and feel so lost. I don't feel I could post this in the public area as stbx has no idea of my plans.

So, I live in Oregon, am pretty sure that I will continue to live in OR or WA. I have basically 3 choices of where I should escape to and would like others input to help me clarify what I really want.

Choice 1- I continue to live in same community. I have a small support system of strong women that it new, fragile and needs to develop. I have known a couple of these women for over a year, (one was my MW) but I've only recently been reaching out to them to build our friendships. I like the community I live in for the most part. Things that are important to me, such as organic foods, spirituality, and other things I enjoy taking part in are abundant here. Job market is pretty dismal, not unique in these times, and as with most places in the West, cost of living is higher.

Choice 2 - I move to E. WA to live near my parents. Ugh. Love my parents, and they are good and generally supportive, but we don't agree on many personal preference type things from organic foods, to me not vaxing DD. My relationship with them is mildly strained. They are in their 70's and live in a 55+ community, so DD and I couldn't live with them. The opportunities in their area are also pretty bleak. It is a community of retiree's, which is why they are there. I also must say, I have never lived there, they moved there long after I was out of the house. But I don't like it there at all. The people are much less progressive and I dont feel like I would fit in or find like minded people there. My DD is also biracial, and this area has a fair amount of racism. The main employers in the immediate area are a paper mill and ammunition factory, both of which would suck the life out of my soul if I had to work there. The only benefit would be that they would be able to care for DD (I trust them to do mostly as I wish) and I know we would all benefit from that. But I really feel I would be isolated there, and unable to be myself.

And Choice 3 - I move to a new community in the OR/WA area. I do and don't like this option. Starting over has it's attraction, and I'm sure I could meet up with other like minded mama's in a new place via FYT here on MDC. This option seems less likely cuz I would need to basically walk right into a support system and hit the ground running.

My stbx is currently out of the country and is due back Feb 4. I realized that I can't be here when he returns. Since he's been gone, I don't cry every day, I don't have someone cursing me or so many other things. I have a very short time to get out and decide where to DD and I are going. I'm currently getting the DV paperwork into DHS, and filing for my OoP and custodial paperwork. Stbx and I are not married, I've been sahming since DD's birth. He doesn't have any idea that I am doing this. I know I need to tell him, I don't want him to come back to the US for no reason. He is with his family helping them in their business. I am not sure how he will respond to us leaving, if he will be freaked and try to return early or if he will follow his families lead and say "good riddance" and wash his hands.


TIA
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#2 of 85 Old 01-06-2009, 09:31 PM
 
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Originally Posted by peace_laughing View Post
I
And one more thing, I'm also going to do a username change later this month so that I can feel safe posting in public areas of the forum. I don't have any attachments to the name I use now. I made it up cuz those were 2 things that had recently left my life as the abuse started and I so wanted them back.
TIA
I don't have a lot of advice, but this part brought tears to my eyes. I hope that you find your peace and laughter soon. You deserve it! You should be proud of yourself that you have made a decision to make your life and your dd's better.

 
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#3 of 85 Old 01-06-2009, 09:35 PM
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You can PM the moderator of Surviving Abuse and get posting privileges there--it's a very private forum.

Have you contacted a domestic violence shelter for advice?

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#4 of 85 Old 01-06-2009, 10:20 PM
 
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It is difficult to give advice on this type of situation. First of all i would need to know what kind of DV papers with DHS and what kind of custody you are filing. Once you file custody jurisdiction is set where you are living and the child will not be allowed to be removed from this county without father's permission. Do you feel it necessary to not be in the same town as him for security reasons? If so compile evidence, get in touch with DV shelters and then move before he gets back. I would not choose my parents if there is that much of a difference in parenting styles. That won't be support. I personally could not live in Eastern WA. When i left my abusive ex i did not choose my toxic mother i instead went to a very small community that supported my needs as a single parent. I did start over in a new town and it was very necessary. I did have a custody fight but was allowed to stay where i had moved to because i stayed with a DV shelter and showed i had need for protection. I first of all filed a restraining order and did custody through that. I suggest going to a DV shelter first because the resources are great. I would also suggest Bellingham, WA which is fairly small and will fit many of your needs. Their shelter is new and has a wealth of resources. A lawyer advocate is onsite to help with questions. They originally scared me off with telling me i would have to go back to where i came from but i realize that is standard for them to say this. I did not go back and was able to prove my case with a pro bono DV lawyer. If you need to get away for security don't stay, starting over isn't as bad as it may sound. THere is a lot of really affordable, low income apartments in B'ham and the community is amazing. Where i choose to live i was able to get rental assistance and created a really amazing network of mama's. It was tough getting going but it all fell into place. Be aware of what he may do, keep your back cover and move quickly if your personal safety is in question. Portland area is beyond booked for DV help, rental assistance just FYI. Good luck.
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#5 of 85 Old 01-07-2009, 06:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you QOTM I appreciate any kind of support at this time, thank you for the wishes that I regain things of joy in my life again.

A&A. I am already in the SA forum, but wanted a bit larger audience. Thanks for the suggestion though and for becoming part of my story.

Avani -Thanks for the suggestions. Stbx is currently overseas, and I don't expect him to stay in the US if DD and I are not with him, but there is always that chance I suppose. He just became an US citizen a few years ago, but is looking into starting a business with his parents overseas. His parents have been completely unsupportive of his relationship with me and haven't shown interest in DD either. I am hoping that opportunity will go through for him to make it easier for him to stay gone or harder for him to justify coming back. All he has to come back to here is a low paying job he hated and a few loose friendships (aside from DD and I).

Anyway..... I really don't want to live in E.WA either. My parents would love it if we moved there. They have been trying to get us to move there the whole 2 years we've been out here. They are in the Lewiston/Clarkston area. I have heavily considered PDX and Seattle areas just for the benefits of a large city. I am currently in Ashland, so basically out in the middle of nowhere a little pocket of my kind of people happen to exist in this one fairly crunchy town. It's 20K (unless you count the enormous amount of tourists) ppl here but a much larger town of about 6-70k is 10 minutes away. There is a bus system available, but I've only used it a handful of times. I'd possibly have to use that more tho unless my parents and I can work something out wrt my car. We have an amazing thriving organic foods coop, large crafters and growers markets, lots of places to walk and bike both in and out of town. It is a tourist town and it took me a while to stop feeling like a tourist. So that's kinda where I am now.

I do think that living in either the PDX or Seattle area would be good cuz I really need to be closer to more diversity in culture (at least within an hours drive or so, right now it's 5 oneway). I am going to ensure that DD is strongly familiar with her fathers culture (hindu) and languages. And there's really not much of that down here. Bellingham sounds interesting. How close is that to Seattle? I guess I should go lurk in FYT. I can post stuff there, just not what I really want to know. I'm totally open to suggestions. It would also be good if the drive between my parents place and mine is less. Right now it's about 12 hours, so less would be good in this case.

And on going to a DV shelter.... they have one here that I considered going to late last summer. I know sometimes they are full here. I guess that is also a good option as an in between place. I can't be here when he arrives. I'm starting on packing. I'm giving away tons of stuff I guess. I can only fit so much in my car. So I'll have to be selective for sure. I'll wait on DP's stuff. I'll ask him what he wants, etc. I just can't ask him yet. But if I have my stuff taken care of in the next few weeks then I'll feel more confident about telling him.

Well, this got way longer than I intended. I feel there is so much to consider, prepare and do! I can't even see how or where I will be in a few weeks. It's so scary and nerve-wracking it nearly debilitates me from continuing.
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#6 of 85 Old 01-07-2009, 07:47 AM
 
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I would consider cost of living and quality of schools in the decision. If you like where you are that's great.
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#7 of 85 Old 01-07-2009, 01:43 PM
 
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the fact that you are leaving is great i have no clue where i would go, i think if you live in a community that you like, i would try and make a go of it there and plan to get into the women's shelter or a friend's place for the time he is back.

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#8 of 85 Old 01-07-2009, 02:47 PM
 
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Oh Gen, , I am so so sorry. You've always had such uplifting things to say, and you usually give me a hopeful feeling. I hope you know you've got a lot of good going on!

I say give yourself a new chance, why not try PDX or SEA? Maybe a fresh start would help you refind yourself. A big city with much diversity could be the thing for you and your little girl.

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#9 of 85 Old 01-07-2009, 03:47 PM
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i think that once the custody thing is organized, i would likely move to a new community where i could find a good job that suited my constitution and needs.

so, i "vote" for a new community. good luck with everything!
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#10 of 85 Old 01-07-2009, 07:18 PM
 
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B'ham is 80 miles north of Seattle on the coast. Around 45 miles south of Vancouver, BC. Farmer's Market, 2 Food Co-op's, Trader Joe's, lots of local artisians. Really beautiful with old growth forests, mountains and the San Juan Islands. No matter what you need a good back up plan. You never know how someone will react when you leave. I was threatened with everything from bodily harm to being put in a mental institution to having the kids taken away if i went to a shelter with them. The thing about staying in your town in a shelter is that if you go to a local store or walk down the street he can see you. I came to a small town that was 1200 miles away from my ex and stayed in the shelter. I ran into a friend of his at the co-op one day and was found out. Small towns have that dynamic. I am actually a few hours south of you on the coast though. Ashland is amazing. You can have all that elsewhere though. Really look at what attachments you have there and if it is worth him knowing where you are. Where i am his friends keep reporting to him things about me and i no longer feel safe. He even showed up at my home even though i tried so hard to keep my location hidden. My plan is to start over in a different community because the courts don't seem to protect me and my kids very well. Portland and Seattle are bigger and more expensive. Living outside of them would be easier. Especially if you want a smaller community. Hope you can get out safely!
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#11 of 85 Old 01-07-2009, 11:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the great suggestions pranamama, mandib, and zoebird. I am heavily leaning towards leaving this town, just cuz I think I've convinced myself I don't want to live somewhere that he is familiar with. I'd love to consider schools, and other things, but right now I don't think I have the time, and fortunately DD is still not even 1yr old, so any kind of schooling is a ways off. Daycare will be a different story soon I guess.

Teeny, I'm so glad that someone from our DDC found this thread. I'd post about this over there, but stbx KNOWS of our little group too well, and so I'm just hoping that several of you will find this and not be alarmed by my disappearing act when I change user names.

Avani - Wow, I am so sorry you have to keep running from your xh. I'm quite familiar with all those types of threats. I couldn't believe it when I first heard those words from him, to wish that our child end up in the CPS system simply to hurt me..... atrocious really. He knows that I am a wonderful mother to DD, he just doesn't want anyone to have her if he can't. Rather ironic since during the first 7 months of my pregnancy he screamed at me about how I had to either get an abortion or he was leaving. It was him or the baby then and now I guess I am making that choice for him.

So I'm still pretty clueless as to where we would go. I spoke with my caseworker at DHS and the local shelter too. They want me to file a restraining order, which means he has to be served, which totally defeats the purpose of me trying to get out while he is gone without his knowledge. I don't know what his parents address is anyway. The best information I have for his physical location is Nairobi, Kenya. Not exactly a small town, so I don't know how successful an attempt to serve him would be anyway. But still. So I know I won't be doing that right away. Ugh, I'm feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by all the unknowns in front of me. I am trying to remain focused and in the now, but its a bit more difficult to do in this situation.

And I was told something strange by the DHS worker. They of course want to know about every penny of income, so I told her that stbx has sent me $1000 twice since he's been gone to allow me to pay for our living expenses. She went on to call that child support later in the conversation. When she did that I questioned her about that, and she said that any money he gives me is counted as CS. But stbx has an dd in another state and if he gives that childs mother money directly (as opposed to going through the states official collection unit) it is counted as a gift and not as child support even if the money was for a child related expense. So that was confusing. I know laws can be different between states of course, but that seemed off more than different. I looked into Kenya's child support laws briefly on the net and found out that in cases of unwed couples, the laws believe the father has no responsibility. I'm hoping I misread that or something. Even so, I know stbx to be pretty sneaky and isn't afraid to cheat the laws so I really have no clue if he would ever provide any support for DD, especially if he doesn't come back to live in the US. And Kenya isn't exactly a stellar example of an open free society where you can trust most official types to at least not screw you over as they perform their duties.

Anyway, I think I have a poopy diaper waiting for my undivided attention. Thanks for the support, well wishes and suggestions everyone. Please keep 'em coming if you can.
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#12 of 85 Old 01-08-2009, 02:19 AM
 
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: Gen

I feel like I'm talking to myself fifteen years ago.

I'm not sure if a "do over" would have prevented Christopher's problems or not. I chose option #1 and stayed in San Francisco, even in the same apartment, although I did redecorate and I wound up letting go of pre-kid friendships (they all sided with exy, who is very charismatic) and growing my friendships with the women in my homeschooling group. It worked okay. I stayed there for four years before moving here, which is where I really wanted to live all along.

I've always been very, very glad I didn't choose option #2. It would have been much easier during the actual divorce and I'm sure I'd be in a much better place careerwise by this age but I never would have homeschooled and my children woulld have even more problems from my family of origin than they do now.

I wish I'd had the courage to make a fresh start when I ended the marriage. I really think you're choosing the best option, or at least the one I have wondered about all these years.

Employment us icky here too or I'd come get you and dd and bring you home with me.
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#13 of 85 Old 01-08-2009, 06:02 AM
 
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Have you considered Salem, Corvallis or Eugene? Smaller towns, but closer to population centers. Really, the whole Willamette valley is relatively crunchy.

What are you going to do for income in the next year? Next 5 years? That would determine where I would go. Jobs can be had in Portland or Seattle, if you have the right skills. If you don't have many skills, then go to a place where they have decent community colleges/colleges for you to get skills at.

They aren't going to serve a restraining order in Kenya, I bet, so I would file one sooner, rather than later. It'll probably be served when he re-enters the country.

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#14 of 85 Old 01-08-2009, 06:18 AM
 
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I can't really advise on where to live, although I definitely think not back near your parents.

What I will say, from personal experience, is that you should wait it out for as long as possible before telling him that you are leaving. Get everything sorted first. Move out, change the locks, or whatever you plan to do. Consult a lawyer about how to do that.

I planned my exit from my abusive ex months in advance. I gathered money, advice, information. I packed, secretely. I told almost nobody - only two close friends knew what I was planning. I had it planned down to the actual day and time I'd leave the house (when he was on a business trip.)

I was so glad that I did it without giving him prior warning. Heaven knows what he'd have done if I'd told him in advance. Quite seriously, he may have killed me.

Abusive men will try to control you. I would bet you anything that if you tell him, he'll be on the first plane home. Not because he wants you, but because he refuses to 'lose'. He will need to control you. It could well turn very, very ugly.

My ex made a lot of people feel sorry for him because I left without warning, and just left a note. I mean, what kind of **tch does that? Umm. Maybe one who has been regularly abused and beaten up over the past ten years? Like a pp, my ex was very charismatic, and he made some people side with him. So what? Nobody with half a brain believed him, and if they did, I didn't need them.

After saying that I won't comment on where you should live, my feeling is that if you are tough enough, stay put in your community. But be prepared for some stalking behaviour, and be prepared to take out a restraining order or two if necessary. My ex was an arrogant, proud sob, so I only had to threaten the restraining order and for a time he'd back off. But only you know this man. Believe the worst of him and don't expect rational behavior. IME that is not at all likely. So, take care of yourself, and do it carefully, coldly, and calmly. It's not just you, it's your child that needs you to take charge. And with that taking charge, you will feel new strength and empowerment.

Good luck, and HTH!
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#15 of 85 Old 01-08-2009, 06:24 AM
 
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I have no advice but wanted to give you : and wish you luck and safety in your journey to freedom.
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#16 of 85 Old 01-08-2009, 06:48 AM
 
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hope you will feel peace laughing again soon.
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#17 of 85 Old 01-08-2009, 07:19 AM
 
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The only advice I can offer is to be careful about crossing state lines. If you move out of state and their father files for custody before you become a legal resident in the new state (which can take 30 days some places, more or less in others), then you have to deal with the court system in the county where the father files. My family dealt with this some years ago and ended up in an expensive and sticky situation, with a lot of travel between Oregon and Oklahoma.

I would hate to see you move to WA and be drug back bc he comes home, finds you gone, and files for custody.

Good luck to you. Be proud of yourself for making this decision!
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#18 of 85 Old 01-09-2009, 01:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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NOS - Thank you for finding me here, I'm gonna keep trusting that more of the DDC will show up. I really appreciate what you said about how things were for you. Yeah, I wouldn't have chosen option 2 in your case either. It's hard for me cuz my parents really are good hearted and they want to do what pleases me. They have become more accepting as they've aged. Each of their 4 children have given them serious challenges to overcome. And they've grown. But the drawbacks of where they live are pretty tough for me. No offense to anyone from there who might read this, but it's just like the hick town I grew up in back in the midwest. Lot's of narrow minded people to say the least. Replace the paper mill with a plastics factory and aside from geographical and population differences, they are the same town. I went to school with a biracial boy, as in everyone else in the school was white, and I do mean everyone. He was a year younger. Such a great guy. Our school was really small and everyone knew your middle name as well as your mother's first name. He had to hide so much of himself. He told people he was half native american and half caucasian. But he had some very obvious features that were more inline with AA. He was well liked, an excellent athlete, attractive, never treated anyone poorly, never had a date. He was never really part of the crowd. I can't raise DD in such an environment.

The summer I was pregnant with DD I spent 3-4 weeks up there while DP was overseas visiting his family. There were 3 racially motivated attacks on the news during my visit. I do consider going there temporarily, but am afraid of getting sucked in, and kinda pressured to stay. My Dad would cry if we came and then left, and that breaks my heart.
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#19 of 85 Old 01-09-2009, 01:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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BritishMum, thanks for your story. I know a threat like that is taken seriously by authorities, and I was hesitant to even say it to the DV worker. I think I nearly whispered it and then had to repeat myself so she could hear too. And thank you for the warnings.

Quote:
After saying that I won't comment on where you should live, my feeling is that if you are tough enough, stay put in your community. But be prepared for some stalking behaviour, and be prepared to take out a restraining order or two if necessary. My ex was an arrogant, proud sob, so I only had to threaten the restraining order and for a time he'd back off. But only you know this man. Believe the worst of him and don't expect rational behavior. IME that is not at all likely. So, take care of yourself, and do it carefully, coldly, and calmly. It's not just you, it's your child that needs you to take charge. And with that taking charge, you will feel new strength and empowerment.
The part about being cold..... oh, so hard. I still don't want to leave as much as I know I have to. I kinda do, stuff has happened and I'm not sure I could ever truly love him again and not feel like I made a mistake for staying. I have to keep remembering that. Me and my emotions.....
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#20 of 85 Old 01-09-2009, 03:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry for the serial posting..... I've just got so much in my head.

Arduinna, majazama. Thank you for the well wishes.

Reece - thanks for the advice about crossing state lines. I'm so confused about whether to go or stay. I am so freaking tempted to post a thread in FYT! He said he's been having trouble getting on the net, and I checked his email today for him to retrieve his return flight info. He hadn't read anything since the 26th I think?

He called last night, I freaked out and had to calm down for a few minutes. I knew I'd have to call him back, but I wanted to hear his voicemail and gather my self first. We talked a bit about the usual things and then I asked when his parents would be returning. They come back to Kenya from Australia Saturday, but they may leave again to attend a wedding in India on 2/14! and he has some eldest son duties, family stuff that he wants to help his parents with. I was understanding to his reasons for wanting to go and said I am OK with him doing what he feels he needs to do for his family. I wanted to say "Heck yeah! By all means go!" But I thought that might make him suspicious.

I am going to call him tomorrow I think to kinda give him a nudge. I am going to tell him that he should take a good look at his life and if he wants to continue our relationship. I want to tell him that I am not going to allow him to continue to yell, threaten and hit. One more episode of his outrageous anger and I will leave with DD. I've never said it like that to him before. I want to bring up how he says he is not happy with me, that he is always happier when he's not in a relationship, and how many times he has threatened to leave, both during my pregnancy and since DD's birth. I want to give him that out, like the door is wide open. His parents and other elders guilt tripped him into meeting a family approved potential wife last year. But he said no to the arrangement and came back. At the time I was glad cuz I was hoping he'd change back to good after DD's birth. I know there will be pressure again if he goes, probably even more so this year since he has already met her. I won't encourage him to marry this innocent girl (who knows nothing of him other than who his relatives are), but I do want to let him feel free to wonder about life without me. I doubt I'll even say anything about her. That's just backstory I suppose.

Lynne - I have thought about just taking a short trip up 5 to the Eugene area. I've been there, mostly passing through. I know I would find lots of like minded people there too. You know it's funny, several years ago back when I was a corporate drone in the midwest, I had this dream that I wrote in a journal I was keeping. I asked a spiritual teacher I was working with at the time about the dream. There was a place in the dream but I was mispronouncing the name. She said, "No, you mean Willamette." I was saying Willemette with the emphasis in the wrong place too. Hmm. Now I'm curious about the rest of the dream, I also wrote down the interpretation she gave me. I wonder if that journal is here or in storage?

eta: no, I also don't know what I'll do for income, I could easily qualify for an admin type job. I also know the job market is probably flooded with people like me. I don't want to go back into my previous field, it was too stressful and I'm way out of touch with new technology now anyway. I can't do college, already have massive loans. I have also considered working for an organic farm, csa or something along those lines. But those are jobs that are hard to find unless you know the right people.

Ok, I'm done. Sorry again for the massive posts. Don't feel obligated to read it, cuz that is alot!

Thanks for the love everyone.
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#21 of 85 Old 01-09-2009, 03:16 AM
 
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Originally Posted by peace_laughing View Post

I am going to call him tomorrow I think to kinda give him a nudge. I am going to tell him that he should take a good look at his life and if he wants to continue our relationship. I want to tell him that I am not going to allow him to continue to yell, threaten and hit. One more episode of his outrageous anger and I will leave with DD. I've never said it like that to him before. I want to bring up how he says he is not happy with me, that he is always happier when he's not in a relationship, and how many times he has threatened to leave, both during my pregnancy and since DD's birth. I want to give him that out, like the door is wide open.
I wouldn't do that. Might be giving yourself away. And what's with "One more episode of his outrageous anger and I will leave with DD."? I thought you were leaving now. If you are leaving now, just do it without saying anything, as BritishMum said.
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#22 of 85 Old 01-09-2009, 03:18 AM
 
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seems to me that your dream is pointing you in a direction!
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#23 of 85 Old 01-09-2009, 04:17 AM
 
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First, I am so sorry that you are going through this!! I agree with many PPs about not choosing to live near your parents. It doesn't seem like you'd ba happy, and your parents would not be happy if you moved away.

Now on to this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by peace_laughing View Post
And I was told something strange by the DHS worker. They of course want to know about every penny of income, so I told her that stbx has sent me $1000 twice since he's been gone to allow me to pay for our living expenses. She went on to call that child support later in the conversation. When she did that I questioned her about that, and she said that any money he gives me is counted as CS. But stbx has an dd in another state and if he gives that childs mother money directly (as opposed to going through the states official collection unit) it is counted as a gift and not as child support even if the money was for a child related expense. So that was confusing. I know laws can be different between states of course, but that seemed off more than different.
I'm not a lawyer or anything, but I believe that the DHS worker is probably using the term "child support" loosely. She is probably trying to determine if your stbx is contributing at all to the family while he is away rather than leaving you with nothing. You know, to determine parental rights and if his actions constitute abandonment or not. That kind of stuff is very important in determining how things will go. I don't think she meant "child support" strictly-speaking.

I have never been in your situation, but KEEP STRONG! If your gut says "leave" then do not give him another chance!

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#24 of 85 Old 01-18-2009, 06:09 AM
 
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Hey mama . I'll find a way of linking our DDC down here so that it has nothing to do with you.

Having got as far as the refuge, I believe that the universe is going to show you the right way to go. I don't think that moving to an entirely new town straight away is necessarily the smartest thing to do, but it could be that you'll find both a job offer and a home in the same place, y'know? When I made that choice, I chose to stay- I found a new support system, new job, and eventually a new husband and new children to add to my family. Things would have been very different for me if I'd chosen to use my mum as my support, and I know that she's starting to find it hard work keeping up with her grandchildren now at 70. YMMV, though.

On the money, DHS is trying to be fair to your ex in describing that as child support, as otherwise he'd be liable for child support to the beginning of his absence. If he chooses to make a go of things in the US, it would be a shame if he ended up paying that $2000 twice, y'know?

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#25 of 85 Old 01-18-2009, 07:08 AM
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Mama,
my heart is breaking for you and your beautiful baby. Please know that I think you are so strong for doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your DD. I agree with everyone that you should relocate and not move close to your parents. The story you told of the little boy who was isolate hurt my heart too.
I wish I could make it all better for you!
As for cities I would choose Seattle or Bellingham, I love the Northwest coast. But if I could really choose for you, I would say down here!! (I'm in Silicon Valley) There are so many like minded people around here it's lovely, even more so in Santa Cruz and such. Granted the cost of living is higher. (pooh!)
Please keep in touch, keep us informed.
I think of you and your DD (I've intentionally not used her name)
much love
Dea

Deadra, Wife to Adam , Mama to Beatrix (02/08), Hudson (01/10), and Mazarine (12/13)
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#26 of 85 Old 01-18-2009, 08:18 AM
 
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Sending you love and mama!
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#27 of 85 Old 01-18-2009, 11:29 AM
 
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Oh Gen, I'm so sorry you are going thru this. You are such a a strong mom and your daughter is lucky to have you. I have no advise for you but I want to send you loads and loads of love!

Sarah-wife, mother, doula, and teacher.
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#28 of 85 Old 01-18-2009, 11:47 AM
 
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Gen, I am so sorry for the hell you and your sweet dd are going through. I think starting over in a new community in your fragile state would be very rough. I have started over in new communities several times and without the support of my DH it would have been really horrible.

Going to live near your parents would be almost equally stressful since you have such differing viewpoints. You would feel constantly under the microscope. It is better to have their support from a distance.

IMHO it is best to stay put in your present community where at least you have a support system.

Keep us posted and I will keep you in my thoughts. Stay strong, you will get through this and be a stronger Mama because of it! Many {{{hugs}}}

Andrea
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#29 of 85 Old 01-18-2009, 12:00 PM
 
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oh gen,



how funny that i'm up so early because linnaea won't sleep and i find this!

i don't think moving back to where your parents are is good, too easy to get stuck. depending on your dh and how he takes the news i'd either stay (but move to a different part of town) or relocate. we too are thinking of relocating somewhere along the lines of what you are thinking because of the types of community that are NOT where we are now. but it's difficult to think of the job situation not being so great in oregon.

corvallis was highly recomended to us, and we're also thinking of the organic farm/work trade kind of deal.

let's see, i think it would be best to have your paperwork etc DONE before you tell him. i know you've had lots of difficulties w/il's etc. and maybe you can see why he'd just stay out of the country but men and ego are weird things and that may trigger his, not-in-control button.

when my parent's divorced my dad was totally unpredictable. anything that we all thought was logical, i.e. saving on court fees by doing the paperwork themselves, became all twisted in his head and he did some really crazy stuff. i'm only saying this because i want you to be as prepared as possible before telling him.

again, huge hugs! and i'll admit i'm secretly hoping we relocate to the same place though it will be october-ish before we move.

eh. who needs a signature?
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#30 of 85 Old 01-18-2009, 12:44 PM
 
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If you want to stay in your own area, I would probably recommend going to a family shelter. Once you're there, they will work with you to get all the help you need. They will also tell you where to go to apply for Section 8. If you end up getting state assistance (welfare), they should also pay for child care when you do get a job. Not sure what it's like in other states but, in my state, they pay child care costs for up to a year.

Feel free to pm me. I've been through somewhat similar circumstances.

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