Tell me about your Mother-in-law! - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: What is your relationship wioth your mother-in-law?
She drives me crazy - our relationship is very strained 34 29.06%
She makes me nuts, but I love her anyway even if I have to really work at it 25 21.37%
We do ok, but things could be better 30 25.64%
I love her - We have an ideal relationship! 28 23.93%
Voters: 117. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 01-21-2004, 10:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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HI Everyone!
I am hoping you all can help me out. I'm hoping to get some insightful information about mother-in-laws. Mine makes me so crazy, drives me absolutely bonkers, I can't see how she was able to raise this man, who is so amazing and that I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE!

So, tell me - does yours make you just as insane. And if you have been able to figure it out, why is it that the mother-in-law and wife of son relationship is so strained much of the time?
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Old 01-21-2004, 11:08 PM
 
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Well, I don't have the "figured out" answer for you but I do love my MIL. She makes me nuts sometimes, but most of it I just overlook, figuring that's just how she is, and she really doesn't mean any harm. She's extremely lacking in tact, but even when she says the most awful things, it's usually because she just didn't think through how awful it would sound. :LOL So I usually gently reword things for her and it works out okay. But, there ARE times I just want to scream! hehe.
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Old 01-21-2004, 11:19 PM
 
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Old 01-21-2004, 11:22 PM
 
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I voted she drives me crazy, but we don't have a strained relationship. I'm getting good at selective hearing. And she does have good points. I dunno its like she has split personalities 1)Nice wonderful MIL who spends money on us/baby and loves Orion to pieces and 2) Drive me bonkers MIL who goes psycho about stupid things or things that aren't in her control.

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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Old 01-21-2004, 11:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone. Keep 'em comin!

So here's a question to those who have an ongoing relationship- would you continue a relationship if she weren't the mother of your husband?

Jayayenay - IF there wasn't really a relationship before you/I came along (i.e. dh doesn't have much to do with her) how are we(the daughter-in-laws) replacing her as the most important woman?

And how do I keep it from happening with my own son?
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Old 01-21-2004, 11:31 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by zealsmom
So here's a question to those who have an ongoing relationship- would you continue a relationship if she weren't the mother of your husband?
Probably not. :LOL As opposed to the lady I used to work with who is my mom's age and I just love her! She'd be a great MIL!
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Old 01-21-2004, 11:37 PM
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*sigh* i could go on and on. she's nosy, overly helpful, overly emotional.

my family is close, but not smotheringly so. MIL HAS to know who all of our friends are. 'oh, is that so-and-so? how is his wife?' why do you care??? she has to be the expert in everything and us having a baby and doing everything differently really got to her.

plus she treats dh like a little boy and doesn't respect him as an adult. anybody else have this problem? she scoffs at him a lot, like 'yeah right.'

if it wasn't for dh, i would never have anything to do with her.
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Old 01-22-2004, 12:20 AM
 
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Old 01-22-2004, 12:33 AM
 
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Hey there,
I have two MILs. My dh's mom and dad split when he was five and his dad remarried. To make matters more complicated my dh's mom met his stepmom's brother at our wedding and have been dating ever since. So I do get along with both, sometimes one more than the other. One of them I have much in common with, while the other I have nothing but my dh in common. There are so many angles to all relationships that I just try not to take much personally and just do my thing with my dh and dd, although I am pretty protective of both:
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Old 01-22-2004, 12:40 AM
 
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I've known my MIL since I was a baby. We lived next door to eachother when dh and I were born. We get along great, but she has her moments and very different opinions. She never bfed her boys, and only cded because that's all they had (youngest BIL was sposied) she was totally against my bfing when my first dd came along, but got used to it and finally accepted that it was best for baby (SIL never bfed until her last child) now that I'm cding she thinks I'm totally nuts. She is always commenting about how gross it is to wash dipes, how hard it is for her to figure out how to change the baby (which is why I've invested in some simple aplix aios) and how I should use sposies because they are "cleaner"? OK, whatever! Those are really the only "issues" we have so I guess I'm pretty lucky. When she starts on her soapbox I just tune out - now my FIL is the one I'd rather do without. He's the nosy PITA. He gets upset if dh doesn't call DAILY - and they live about 30 seconds up the road! If he could, he'd reattach the umbilical cord I swear!
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Old 01-22-2004, 12:44 AM
 
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I lucked out, I absolutely love all of my inlaws, they are all so awesome and such good people. I love each one of them, my mother in law is so wonderful, even if dh was out of the picture, I'd still be great friends with her and all of them. Everyone has such a great relationship with each other, I'm so happy that dd has them as family.
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Old 01-22-2004, 12:46 AM
 
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Mine drives me crazy most of the time. Every once in awhile we will have an amazing conversation and connection - but only when it happens on her terms. If she phones me (we live 11 hours apart) we do okay, but rarely if it is the other way around. She is a stickler for etiquette but can be unbelievably rude : Our gift to her this past Christmas was to promise to send a postcard every week in 2004 - well she got the first one and is complaining that I wrote it and not the kids. Grrrrrrrrr...after 10 years of "All we want is the occasional postcard from you, is that too much to ask?" so fine, I won't write on any more of them. She is depressed (unrecognized), a control freak and doesn't like any of the people her children married and has a gift for making painful digs at people in the most charming way.

I keep trying to be loving, but it sure is hard sometimes. I would have no patience for this woman if she wasn't my MIL.
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Old 01-22-2004, 01:32 AM
 
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Old 01-22-2004, 02:07 AM
 
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nak...I voted that "She drives me crazy - our relationship is very strained"

It has always been strained and will probably always be...sad, but true.
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Old 01-22-2004, 02:16 AM
 
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My MIL is pretty great - easy to get along with, doesn't butt into my parenting (actually thinks we're doing a great job!!!), always willing to help out when asked.

The only thing that drives me nuts is that she is a doormat. She gives everyone the message that her needs come last and as long as she can make YOU happy, that's all that matters. It makes me sad, and sometimes I get annoyed with her, like I just want to shake her and say, "Stop asking people to walk all over you!!!!!"
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Old 01-22-2004, 02:19 AM
 
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My MIL drives me crazy. I think it is the nature of our reltionship even though I would not befriend her if I was not her son's wife. She drives me crazy because she shares her opinion on everything, sometimes in a passive agressive way. I think she feels entitled to share her opinion because I am her DIL. I don't think she would do this with others. A little discretion would go a long way on her part. She is not going to change her kids are aware of issues and are not willing to call her on it. Somehow I have to learn how to deal with it but have not been successful yet.
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Old 01-22-2004, 02:40 AM
 
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mine is pretty much okay. most of the time i love her to death, they've done so much for us, it's unbelievable, but now that we've moved close to them things have changed slightly. we both like to have things our own way, so that can be kind of hard, but dh is so great and mediates, is always taking my side. she is really very cool and all but also seems slightly overbearing lately. i'm starting to feel like she thinks i'm stupid or incompetent or something. when she comes over now she follows dd around like a hawk...if dd walks in the other room she's like "where's ____????!!!!" she seems to freak out about it. it seems weird to me cause this is dd's house, things are babyproofed and she's completely able to run amuck.

dh thinks i should say something to her but i think it would only cause problems, so right now i just try to avoid the situations that annoy me.:
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Old 01-22-2004, 02:41 AM
 
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I am torn about this. My MIL is good for the most part now that we have a baby, but she wasn't always nice. She kicked dh out of the house 2 weeks after he graduated high school and has never apologized. Their relationship has always been hard. But for the most part I get along with her as long as dh isn't there. She treats him like a child and is always saying things about how irresponsible he is (which isn't true). If it wasn't for him I would like her a lot more. She has just never taken the time to get to know him as an adult. But on the other hand she sews June diapers and clothes and bought us a car for christmas

Louise
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wife to Ben
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Old 01-22-2004, 02:46 AM
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My MIL rocks! She loves me and never judges and supports whatever we decide to do. She is a wonderful second mother to me and grammy to my daughter (I have a daughter from my previous marriage). She even took me out and bought me ear stretchers for my ears on my last birthday. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my MIL.
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Old 01-22-2004, 03:06 AM
 
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I wish I could tell you about my MIL, but she died a year ago on Christmas day. She was a wonderful, funny, delightful and loving lady. We did lots of things together. I think of her everyday, and miss her very much.

We were/are lucky in that both dh and I are very close to our individual in-laws. Matter of fact, we refer to them as Mom2 & Dad2 rather than as "in-laws".

Neat people.

Leslie
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Old 01-22-2004, 03:16 AM
 
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My MIL and I get along pretty well but she is a HUGE worryer and I am really laid back.

She freaked about bf-ing and asked all sorts of questions, asked if she was getting enough then when she came out high in the weight percentiles she asked if she was getting too much fat!! FROM BM!! :LOL

She freaks about co-sleeping..she freaked about vaxes for awhile

Now that dd is a toddler she thinks dd looks too thin....omg...dd runs non-stop of course she is burning a lot of energy but she certainly isn't thin.

It freaks me out a little. I just want to yell "CALM DOWN!! IT'S OK!!!"

Other than that we get along fine...heh

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Old 01-22-2004, 05:27 AM
 
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It was strained, but now we are no longer speaking, I think it will be better this way. she is a huge gossiping control freak who has been a @$%$E^# to my husband for years and he finally cut her off.It is not a fun scenerio but I do not see any way around it. I would love a cool MIL
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Old 01-22-2004, 05:48 AM
 
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My in laws are very polite. They might give their opinion once on an issue, but they don't say anything negative once they know our position. For example, when I was pregnant for the second time and my husband mentioned to his mother that I wanted to have a homebirth, his mother said that she thought we should think it over and do it in a hospital as she thought that was safer. Interestingly enough, her father was a country doctor who delivered women at home. That was the only time she made a comment, and that was to my husband. When he told his parents we were having a homebirth, they were very polite about it. They seem to be normal people with a live and let live attitude. Some of the in laws I read about here seem psychotic. I used to think that was an aberration, but it seems to be more common than I would have thought.

My own mother is a little more in the other camp, but not too bad overall.
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Old 01-22-2004, 06:07 AM
 
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i voted for she drives me nuts even if i have to WORK at it...she is sweet in nature and in heart, and that is what counts...plus i only see her once ( if that) a year....
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Old 01-22-2004, 10:15 AM
 
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She's wonderful. Exactly the kind of mom I want. Her best quality is she knows when to keep her mouth shut. She listens and hears you when you tell her something. She gives her opinion only when you asked. She gives support when you need it. She thanks us for any small things we do for her. She's just one normal SAHMs who's gentle and polite, but she's totally winning my heart. Without thinking about this much, I have been leaning more and more towards her lifestyle and attitude. She made me see how to be humble yet happy. Overall, after being with my own mom, I couldn't believe there are moms like that. DH was so lucky. Oh well, now he has to share my mom with me as well. Maybe he's not so lucky after all.

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Old 01-22-2004, 11:03 AM
 
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i my MIL!!!!!!!!!!!! She is *so* caring and sweet and the way she worries about her children or makes a point to avoid saying things that will hurt them is just amazing. She also respects our decisions as parents which is a big one for me.

After dd was born we had to move in with them for a month (which turned into 2 months) and it was soooooo awesome! She wouldnt let me touch a thing in the house and in the meantime she made sure i ate properly and got lots of rest and would say "dont you worry, you just go take care of that baby"

She is a great sahm and we can talk about so many different things-religion, news, conspiracy theories..LOL that's her favourite...

Helping women overcome postpartum depression and birth trauma. http://www.postmommyhood.com

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Old 01-22-2004, 11:20 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by StarMama
I voted she drives me crazy, but we don't have a strained relationship. I'm getting good at selective hearing. And she does have good points. I dunno its like she has split personalities 1)Nice wonderful MIL who spends money on us/baby and loves Orion to pieces and 2) Drive me bonkers MIL who goes psycho about stupid things or things that aren't in her control.
Do we have the same MIL????

My dh and I have discussed his mom a lot, just trying to figure her out. Sometimes she is absolutely wonderful to be around, but most of the time the woman's psycho. I've been blaming it on menopause for 5 years now. Her dh (my dh's step dad) is the same way, but less dramatically so. When MIL is in a good mood, sFIL is too, when she is in a bad mood, he completely withdraws. My dh's brother and his wife won't even see her anymore.

I voted that our relationship is very strained because, even when she's being cool, I am uncomfortable around her not knowing when she'll snap.
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Old 01-22-2004, 11:28 AM
 
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My MIL drives me nuts, but one day I realized that the things I really, really dislike about her are things I tend towards myself; she's sort of like my dark side

Gail
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Old 01-22-2004, 11:44 AM
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My MIL drives us batty (all of us not just me) but I love her because she is basically a good person.

She's been through a lot and I think, at times, she has PTSD or something (she has been through so much)

But she *does* drive us really crazy. She's passive aggressive and manipulative. She has some old fashioned and strange ideas about parenting and we've been around and around the block about things but she gave up on me years ago.

I try to see the humor in her behavior (although it's hard when she's calling us at 1AM to tell us she's getting an ambulance ride to the hospital and we all know there's nothing wrong with her and *then* we get the call at 3AM asking for a ride home!!!

But then I hear stories of what she's been through and wonder what type of a person I would have become had I been forced to endure some of that crap.

Debra Baker
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Old 01-22-2004, 12:24 PM
 
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I voted drives me crazy, our relationship is very strained.

I have to respect the fact that she gave birth to my dh. But we disagree about so many things that other than the fact that we love ds, it's very difficult to have a conversation.

We can't tell her that we cosleep because, "those sick freaky perverts should be locked up and never allowed to see their children again." She's "appalled and disturbed" that ds is still bfed, thinks I'm "a silly & stupid girl" for cding and thinks that I "freeload off of poor" dh. Of course none of these things were said TO me, rather ABOUT me to either one of her sisters or dh's sisters in a room next to the one that I'm in, loud enough for me to hear. If I ask her about it, she denies ever having said ANYTHING! ARGH!!!

Whew! Thanks, I needed that!
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