Would your feelings be hurt? - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-24-2009, 11:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Would your feelings be hurt if one of your closest friends emailed you for a recipe (a bbq recipe), then you saw via facebook that she was inviting people over for a BBQ, but you were not invited?


ETA: It's not really my M.O. to get put out over these types of things. I mean, we've both had get-togethers without each other before and we've chatted about planning and "hey do you need to borrow this?" and "I'm nervous about getting the two families together" kind of stuff (you know, as close friends do). But something about the not mentioning it seems a bit intentional and out of character (especially based on the friend who was invited via facebook). And I think that's what hurts my feelings.

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Old 07-24-2009, 11:28 AM
 
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Yes, I would be very hurt

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Old 07-24-2009, 11:34 AM
 
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Not necessarily. I guess it would depend on the size of the party. I throw events of different sizes all the time. My home and yard are small, as is my entertainment budget. I am not always able to invite all my friends to each party so I would probably try to understand that she may have reasons for not including me on the guest list.

That said, asking for the recipe & not mentioning she's having a party is definitely tacky.

eta: Ok, I'm going back on the "definitely," above. It's a little thoughtless, I think, to request the recipe and mention the party in a semi-public sphere like FB and not mention it to you. It just gives it an air of exclusion that is probably unnecessary.

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Old 07-24-2009, 11:42 AM
 
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I don't think I would be hurt. Maybe it's a cohesive group, like coworkers or church members. Maybe it's "no little kids" because there will be lots of drinking. Maybe there's a guest of honor who you don't know. If she was excluding you for some "bad" reason, she wouldn't ask you for the recipe.

Have you already sent it to her? You could casually throw in "Oh, are you having a party?" She'll either have a logical explanation, or she'll invite you, or she'll lie and say she's not.

Definitely don't stew over it silence. Low and slow is only for meat.

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Old 07-24-2009, 12:13 PM
 
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It depends, with the guest list, is it people you would know? Would you normally be part of that circle of guests? OR maybe she is hosting her ILs or neighbors etc. We entertain several times a year and most of the time you would be invited with one group but certainly not another group because of how we know them etc. Make sense?

But yes, if its several of my close friends invited to her house and I was excluded I would be hurt but if she is hosting a church group, family etc, no.

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Old 07-24-2009, 12:15 PM
 
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I would not be hurt at all, sometimes we have people over from my husbands work (couples) sometimes we have neighbors, sometimes we have family, sometimes just one couple (friends).

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Old 07-24-2009, 12:17 PM
 
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Yup, my feelings would be hurt. If it was a certain type of group she was having over she could have said 'I'm having x group over for a bbq and do you have that recipe?' or something similar, so that you wouldn't take it personally. It's a tacky, inconsiderate move on her part to let it hang out there on facebook that she is having a party and you aren't invited after you supplied the recipe.
I'd probably ask what's up if she is a close friend.

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Old 07-24-2009, 12:33 PM
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no.

but, i don't take many things personally. i assume that there's a good reason, and if it becomes a pattern, then i might ask about it.

eg, if i wasn't invited to a number of parties, i might ask "hey, i noticed that and was wondering..." but otherwise, no big deal.
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Old 07-24-2009, 01:48 PM
 
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No, I wouldn't be hurt, but I can understand why someone could be hurt by that. My friends and I tend to have get-togethers of various groups, and we don't go out of our way to hide it from each other (although I do tend to refrain from mentioning stuff like that on FB because I can easily see that there's potential for hurt feelings). But yeah, like others have said, it could be a group of work friends, or neighbors, or child-free friends, or family, or scrapbookers, or college friends, or whatever.

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Old 07-24-2009, 01:48 PM
 
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No. I would assume that she had invited a group I was not part of. Like a pp said, if she meant to exclude you from a party with "your" people, she most likely wouldn't have called to ask you for the recipe.

I am part of a tight circle of friends at work. Sometimes smaller groups break off and do things without asking the others. Some friends have kids the same age, and they do things without me because the conversation is usually about things and people I don't know about. Some friends and I have the same hobbies. We do things without others because dragging them along on our trips would make a very dull day for them. As long as you are still seeing your friend, I would assume it was something like that.
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Old 07-24-2009, 01:57 PM
 
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It would really depend, like the pp have said. If the people attending were all part of your "group", and it's not a small intimate get-together, then yes. But if my BFF is inviting her ILs over or her DP's work-mates, or something like that, then I'm not going to care one bit, and she's welcome to my recipes.

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Old 07-24-2009, 02:19 PM
 
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Yes.
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Old 07-24-2009, 02:29 PM
 
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Probably not- I would assume she is getting together with a different group of people, especially since she asked for the recipe. If I found out it was with "my group", then I would be hurt.

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Old 07-24-2009, 03:48 PM
 
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absolutely not. i don't expected to be invited to everything a friend of mine hosts - even my very closest friends! i would just be happy that she wanted the recipe. if i was a little lonesome for that particular friend, i'd just try to make plans with her for the near future.
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Old 07-24-2009, 03:55 PM
 
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I think a courteous friend would say, "I'm having a BBQ this weekend with X people because of Y and I was wondering if you would share your awesome recipe with me for that. I wish I could invite you too, but _______________. Speaking of which, we should get together soon! I miss you. Anyway, would you mind sharing the recipe so I can actually have good BBQ for this thing this weekend?" or some variation thereof.

If my friend was upfront, it wouldn't hurt my feelings, especially if she mentioned us getting together. I think that's the courteous way to handle it. She should have considered your feelings when asking for the recipe and been upfront about what she needed it for.

If she couldn't explain her need to you in a way that she knew wouldn't hurt your feelings, then she shouldn't have asked for a recipe. If you would have been upset by her asking for the recipe and being upfront about why she needed it, then I think you may be being a bit oversensitive - everyone has events where they invite so and so but not so and so, no matter how good friends they are. But there is definitely a discourteous aspect to her asking for the recipe, not saying why she wanted it, and then having an event that was published on facebook. If she knew it would be touchy for you, she shouldn't have asked for the recipe.

If you're asking for a favor, you should do so politely and courteously, IMO.
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Old 07-24-2009, 03:56 PM
 
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Yes, then I'd give myself a pep talk and get over it. Sometimes you have to obiligatorily entertain and you know it will be awkward/boring/bad mix of people and you leave off friends you have fun with.
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Old 07-24-2009, 04:02 PM
 
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I (like others) would assume that it is a work group or a high school friends group or moms with kids in the same 5th grade class or whatever. I am hosting something on Tuesday for which my BFF isn't invited - as it is for moms from the school where my middle kid goes. Her kids go to different schools. No harm, no foul.

If you are hurt, bring up the bbq in conversation so you'll get more info. I doubt she was trying to hurt you, but if so it should be discussed.
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Old 07-24-2009, 04:12 PM
 
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I'd be hurt, but I tend to be a little to quick to assume I've been intentionally left out of something. I would probably just ask about the party and see what she says. As pps have stated, there is more than likely a reasonable explanation for not including you.

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Old 07-24-2009, 04:22 PM
 
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I think it is likely I might be hurt, but it depends on the people she was inviting. If it was her or her partner's family, or a bunch of friends from somewhere else that I didn't know, like high school or work, then I wouldn't be hurt. If it was a local thing with friends we both knew, then, yes, definitely.
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Old 07-24-2009, 05:04 PM
 
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Coming back to say that this is one of those things about sites like FB. Off-line, you don't tend to talk about plans with friends if other friends who aren't invited are standing right there, but on FB people do talk about their plans "publicly," so friends who might have never known about certain get-togethers before now see people talking about it, and I can understand how someone could feel left out.

It's just important to remember, though, that these non-inclusive get-togethers were happening long before sites like FB came along, it's just that it was easier to control who knew about them.

As I said before, I tend to keep mum about stuff like that on FB because I think it's a bit rude to talk about parties/plans "in front of" people who aren't invited, but every once in a while a friend will post something on my wall about "see you tonight" or whatever, so it does slip out every once in a while.

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Old 07-24-2009, 05:18 PM
 
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I don't think I'd be hurt, *unless* the guest list seemed to include a lot of mutual friends. As PP have pointed out, a lot of people have separate, discrete social groups that don't really mesh. If I were having neighbors over, I wouldn't invite my coworkers; if we were having DH's coworkers over, I wouldn't invite mine, etc.

LOL Maybe if I had a bigger house/ porch/ yard, I'd combine more groups!

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Old 07-24-2009, 05:41 PM
 
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No, I would not be hurt.

I know I am not a friends only friend and would never think that I needed to be invited to every get-together they had. I would also not be bothered that I was asked for a recipie. I may have asked when giving the recipie, but otherwise, I would figure it was none of my business.

Like a pp stated, these gatherings have been happening long before facebook. And I would not even worry about it being on FB now. Since it seems that FB is the "new way" to communicate with friends, it only seems natural that a person who uses it to its fullest would communicate an invite through it. Personally, I hate FB and don't really post anything on there. I only check it out every once in a while to keep up with my daughter.

Anyways, that is MO.

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Old 07-24-2009, 09:32 PM
 
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i always thought it was rude to discuss social plans that you have with others... like i'm not going to tell friend A that i'm going to meet up with friend B without A... but if A happens to find out, that's not rude. dunno how FB works into it, cause i don't do that- guess it's not a good way to keep an event secret!
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Old 07-25-2009, 01:21 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kidzaplenty View Post
No, I would not be hurt.

I know I am not a friends only friend and would never think that I needed to be invited to every get-together they had. I would also not be bothered that I was asked for a recipie. I may have asked when giving the recipie, but otherwise, I would figure it was none of my business.
I agree with this too.

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Old 07-25-2009, 03:41 AM
 
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yes i would be hurt, but not proud of it lol .... i hate to be left out. maybe she though she invited you and is wondering why you haven't mentioned it? ok that's a long shot.. have you found out if its a work thing or something like that?

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Old 07-25-2009, 06:33 AM
 
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No, not unless the guest list included a lot of mutual friends who were all talking about it and assuming I'd be there.

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Old 07-25-2009, 05:03 PM
 
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I wouldn't. There are lots of reasons to limit the people you invited to a bbq, a lot have already been mentioned. For co-workers, church group, family, no kids, small budget/yard and needing to limit the number of people, neighbourhood bbq only... the list is endless.

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