another wedding WWYD - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: would you go?
yes - it'your brother, etc. 62 63.92%
heck no! 30 30.93%
not sure 5 5.15%
Voters: 97. You may not vote on this poll

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 48 Old 08-03-2009, 10:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
mama24-7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: with the dust bunnies
Posts: 2,436
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 12 Post(s)
My brother’s getting married on Sat. There has been a lot of back & forth about whether my children including a 3 week old are welcome, where I can/can’t nurse during the reception, etc. since I was first told about this wedding last fall. You can read more about all that in these links.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1015201
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=999222
http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1030445

I need to decide if I am going to go to the church for the actual wedding, just myself & the newborn (the wedding is about 45 min or so from my house so not a big deal that way). I think I’ve made up my mind, but wondered what others would do & why.

I shouls also include the fact that my brother isn't the one who cares about the baby, nursing, etc. It's the BTB & the future MIL (& maybe others from the soon to be ILs, but don't know beyond those 2 people).

So, please share what you think you’d do if you were in my shoes.

Sus

Baby the babies while they're babies so they don't need babying for a lifetime.
mama24-7 is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 48 Old 08-03-2009, 10:49 PM
 
nummies's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: in a state of love
Posts: 3,145
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm amazed that people are trying to tell you where and when to nurse your baby. That makes me angry and I wouldn't go based on that alone...

Three boys.  jumpers.gif
nummies is offline  
#3 of 48 Old 08-03-2009, 11:09 PM
 
sporty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 96
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would go, but only because it is your brother. What would happen if you nursed where these people don't want you to nurse?
sporty is offline  
#4 of 48 Old 08-03-2009, 11:15 PM
 
neetling's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: safe in God's arms
Posts: 3,265
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
it's your brother's wedding. Hopefully the only one he will have. While I agree that asking you to curtail your nursing is sort of rude, I would make do the best I could so I could be there.
neetling is offline  
#5 of 48 Old 08-03-2009, 11:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
mama24-7's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: with the dust bunnies
Posts: 2,436
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 12 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by sporty View Post
I would go, but only because it is your brother. What would happen if you nursed where these people don't want you to nurse?
oddly, the topic of nursing at the church never came up, only at the reception. i was thinking of printing a card or 10 w/ the ordinance for Philadelphia that says a woman can nurse anywhere in Philadelphia in case someone approaches us.

if i don't do that, i think i'll just tell them to bug off.

sus

Baby the babies while they're babies so they don't need babying for a lifetime.
mama24-7 is online now  
#6 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 12:24 AM
 
Sailor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: CA
Posts: 2,433
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wouldn't go.

However, I skip all weddings. Including the ones in my family. Even close family. I didn't go to my mom's wedding when she re-married. I didn't go to my dad's wedding when he re-married. It was nothing personal - I loved both of their new partners. And I sent lots of warm, well wishes, took them out to dinner before to celebrate, etc.

I just dislike attending large group gatherings like weddings.

I don't personally think weddings are such a huge deal that you MUST be there. If you are not comfortable going, or don't want to go - then don't. If you are comfortable going - then go.

First special delivery - April 2010 :
Sailor is offline  
#7 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 12:53 AM
 
annethcz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: on the beautiful prairie of MN
Posts: 9,825
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would go. I *do* think weddings are important. Even if I didn't get along with my future SIL, I'd still want to be there for my brother.

New signature, same old me: Ann- mama of 2 boys and 2 girls, partnered to a fabulous man.
I'm an unintentional weasel feeder and I suck at proofreading.
annethcz is offline  
#8 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 03:01 AM
 
Kidzaplenty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Writing my Happily Ever After
Posts: 15,078
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'd go, but I would nurse anywhere my child needed to eat, including the recption. And if they said anything, I would just tell them to MTOB. I'd be there for my brother.

Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
Kidzaplenty is offline  
#9 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 11:18 AM
 
EFmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 7,802
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'd skip the wedding, wish them well and send a nice gift.
EFmom is offline  
#10 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 11:26 AM
 
Mrsboyko's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,702
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'd go with baby. Nurse in the car before going into the church, nurse after the ceremony if necessary. Wear something appropiate for both the occasion and ease of nursing, then whenever baby is hungry at the reception, do it discretely. I am a master of ninja nursing, no one ever realizes what I am doing, so I personally wouldn't even think about the In Law issue.

W (26) and C (27) parenting G (11/06 ) and D (2/09 ) plus a new one (3/11)
Sometimes the greener grass is actually AstroTurf, a false promise and nothing more.
Mrsboyko is offline  
#11 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 12:06 PM
 
elmh23's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Where it's hot!
Posts: 9,270
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'd go and nurse wherever and whenever baby needed. I'd probably bring a blanket to cover up, but that's because of my own comfort level with such a small baby and things still getting figured out.

Mama of three.
 
elmh23 is offline  
#12 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 12:55 PM
 
proudmamanow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: home again, home again, jiggety-jig
Posts: 2,054
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I'd go at least to the church service if not the reception (with the baby, of course!)
In my experience, weddings are pretty important and in the long run your brother will appreciate your effort. By skipping the reception you can minimize the stress on you & your family but still support your brother....
proudmamanow is offline  
#13 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 12:58 PM
 
onlyzombiecat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Northeast Kansas
Posts: 7,237
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would go to the ceremony and skip the reception.

Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

onlyzombiecat is offline  
#14 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 01:37 PM
 
doubledutch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 4,531
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i would go for my brother, nursing when and where i needed to, according to my own comfort. i would be tempted to squirt milk at anyone who tried to tell my not to nurse wherever. not that i would actually do it, but i would be tempted.
doubledutch is offline  
#15 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 02:27 PM
 
pumpkin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Stepford
Posts: 2,853
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would go to the church with your newborn. Despite the fact that they are being ridiculous, he is still your brother and you will likely regret missing the ceremony. Its a shame you have to skip the reception because of their rules, but obviously babies come first.

Editing b/c I was confused. I thought the only issue was attending the ceremony and the reception was off the table.

Whatever it is, I would go anywhere you and the baby have been invited and nurse however is easiest for you. I would be much more concerned about being prepared to leave quickly if the baby starts crying.

Mom to Kira March 2009
pumpkin is offline  
#16 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 02:30 PM
 
cristeen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 14,677
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Considering how you've been treated by these people since they announced their engagement, there's no way I'd be going out of my way to attend anything of theirs. Your brother is a self-centered abusive UAV, and his BTB (and her family) is just as bad. Personally I'd keep myself out of their orbit as much as possible, and that includes at this event.

Cristeen ~ Always remembering our stillheart.gif  warrior ~ Our rainbow1284.gif  is 3, how'd that happen?!?! 

We welcomed another rainbow1284.gifstillheart.gif  warrior in May 2012!! 

2012 Decluttering challenge - 575/2012

cristeen is offline  
#17 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 02:36 PM
 
Ianthe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Logan, Utah
Posts: 6,633
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would tell your brother that you really want to be there, but can't be restricted on where and when you can nurse your baby if you went. If he truly has a problem with it, then tell him you respectfully decline, if he is OK with it, but the IL's aren't, then I'd go.. you got your brother's permission, and it is him you are going to see. He can deal with them in his own way.

stillheart.gif The Hippie & the Marine stillheart.gif  hh2.gif
My boys: S (4) & O (2) & Expecting #3 in Dec. 2011

Ianthe is offline  
#18 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 02:37 PM
 
mysticmomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Baltimore
Posts: 5,516
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post
i would go for my brother, nursing when and where i needed to, according to my own comfort. i would be tempted to squirt milk at anyone who tried to tell my not to nurse wherever. not that i would actually do it, but i would be tempted.


:

hh2.gif

mysticmomma is offline  
#19 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 07:43 PM
 
kirstenb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: San Diego County
Posts: 5,243
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by cristeen View Post
Considering how you've been treated by these people since they announced their engagement, there's no way I'd be going out of my way to attend anything of theirs. Your brother is a self-centered abusive UAV, and his BTB (and her family) is just as bad. Personally I'd keep myself out of their orbit as much as possible, and that includes at this event.
Reading the previous threads, I have to agree with this. I wouldn't bother going to this wedding.

If there wasn't all this history, I would say go and bring your baby. Everyone in the wedding party will be so busy no one will have the time to pay attention to what you are doing.

Kirsten, mama to Monkey since May 2007 and Bean born 11/7/09
kirstenb is offline  
#20 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 09:39 PM
 
hotmamacita's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Posts: 6,977
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What a mess.

I read in your other thread that the Maid of Honor was not allowed to bring her newborn? That is some messed up thinking there.

Your future SIL is not handling this well. Your brother is letting her offend people.

I do not know what I would do. I might call my brother and ask him directly if he wanted me there.
hotmamacita is offline  
#21 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 09:45 PM
 
GearGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 2,891
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think you should DEFINITELY go, because you will regret it if you don't. Your brother, his future MIL, and his future wife sound like they are behaving in a way that I vehemently disagree with, especially as someone who nurses, but I also believe that there are some events in life that if we even remotely feel a sense of obligation to attend, we should. Weddings are one of those things that I think we should put our beliefs aside as much as possible, without compromising those beliefs. So, in this case I would bring the baby and a trusted friend or husband if there is a babysitter available for the older two, nurse the baby and then leave the baby with the other person very briefly (probably about 45 minutes for the ceremony) and smile and give my best wishes to the couple, and then go back to the baby. My second choice would be to wear the baby, nurse right before the ceremony and then right after if you think the baby would tolerate this. It isn't ideal, it isn't very breastfeeding friendly, but I would still do it, and feel good about myself. I would not miss my brother's wedding, even if he is behaving in a way that I don't agree with.
GearGirl is offline  
#22 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 10:00 PM
 
Tofu the Geek's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,398
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wouldn't go. They need to realize that their poorly thought out actions ARE going to affect their relationships. And I am not meaning don't go just to spite them, but rather don't go because you shouldn't allow yourself to be treated this way.

Tofie ~ mama to DD1, DD2 and Pookie v3 debuting December 2011
Oh my God....women are the COWS of PEOPLE!! --Reese, Malcolm in the Middle
Tofu the Geek is offline  
#23 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 10:09 PM
 
RomanCarmelMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 184
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think anytime a nursing mother is told to not nurse her child at a specific place, she is basically told to not attend, so I wouldn't go. If I had a newborn, I certainly wouldn't go anywhere the baby wasn't welcomed to.

Wife to DH and Mommy to DS(2 yrs) : : : :
RomanCarmelMom is offline  
#24 of 48 Old 08-04-2009, 10:35 PM
 
oceanbaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 11,167
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kidzaplenty View Post
I'd go, but I would nurse anywhere my child needed to eat, including the recption. And if they said anything, I would just tell them to MTOB. I'd be there for my brother.
This.
oceanbaby is offline  
#25 of 48 Old 08-05-2009, 11:44 AM
 
doubledutch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 4,531
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
okay, after reading the back-story, i'm less convinced about going. if you want to, if you don't want to miss it, then absolutely. if it's going to be completely unpleasant with you then don't.

silly question: is your brother's daughter allowed at the wedding?
doubledutch is offline  
#26 of 48 Old 08-05-2009, 12:19 PM
 
FuzzyOne's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,008
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i think you should go to the ceremony - you seem conflicted enough about whether or not to go that you asked us. if you go, at least you know you have done your part in case things go poorly with your inlaws in the future (and your brother for that matter). if you do not go and things continue to deteriorate with your inlaws, you will wonder if your absence at the wedding contributed to it and who needs that? plus, it is your brother, so i think it is important to attend for him.

i would nurse my baby right before going in to the ceremony in hopes that would work out (but then, i've never been a great NIPer, so i would have done that anyway). then if your baby needs to nurse, i would do it. babies need to eat when they are hungry and not nursing your baby would be hugely disruptive to the ceremony. if that occurs, i wouldn't even say anything - it's not like they will ever know anyway.
FuzzyOne is offline  
#27 of 48 Old 08-05-2009, 12:57 PM
 
eclipse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Mexico
Posts: 7,440
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wouldn't go. It wouldn't be worth the stress for me 3 weeks post partum.
eclipse is offline  
#28 of 48 Old 08-05-2009, 07:17 PM
 
aniT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Oregon, by way of Cali.
Posts: 15,239
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by GearGirl View Post
I think you should DEFINITELY go, because you will regret it if you don't.
I didn't attend either of my brothers' weddings and I don't regret it in the least. (one was 700 miles away and the other was the week we closed on a house 160 miles away and we needed to get it cleaned up to move in.)

I don't feel an obligation to attending weddings. Even weddings of family members obviously. Weddings are over-rated and the waste and amount of money people spend on a "party" make me absolutely sick. I think it makes far more sense to spend that money on a down payment for a house than a big ole party.

That said.. I would not attend this wedding either. A wedding is generally a family event. If the entire family is not invited, including the children in the family, well then I feel I am not welcome either.
aniT is offline  
#29 of 48 Old 08-05-2009, 07:32 PM
 
Katielady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Living in a van down by the river
Posts: 2,016
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would go, and nurse as needed, going to a more quiet area if the baby starts fussing so as not to disrupt the ceremony.

Here's the thing...if you go, you can always leave if need be, and it will probably work out fine. If you don't go, for the rest of his life your brother will have this THING with you- you didn't go to his wedding. It won't matter why or that it was his bride's fault. Don't let her and her family do that to your relationship with your brother. Even though he hasn't been fair either, he's your brother and chances are you're going to want to have some kind of relationship with him in the future. Not going to someone's wedding, especially such a close family member, sends a huge message. A "I'm done with you forever" kind of message. Unless you're prepared to send that kind of message, I would just suck it up and go.

SAHM to 6.5yo DS and 4yo DD. PCOS with two early m/cs. Married 8 yrs. Certified birth doula, writer, editor.

Some stuff I like: hbac.gifteapot2.GIFeat.gifnocirc.gifbftoddler.giffemalesling.GIFcrochetsmilie.gif read.gifcat.gif

Katielady is offline  
#30 of 48 Old 08-05-2009, 07:46 PM
 
aniT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Oregon, by way of Cali.
Posts: 15,239
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katielady View Post
INot going to someone's wedding, especially such a close family member, sends a huge message. A "I'm done with you forever" kind of message. Unless you're prepared to send that kind of message, I would just suck it up and go.
I also disagree with this.
aniT is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off