Would you move to support your parents? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 43 Old 05-10-2010, 09:06 PM
 
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I wouldn't move in that circumstance. I would, however, meet with her and a financial planner to see what her options are as far as retirement, social security, future plans, etc.

Wife to a wonderful dh and mom to four beautiful kiddos, dd (3/04):, ds1 (1/06), ds2 (10/08), and ds3 (7/10)
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#32 of 43 Old 05-10-2010, 09:43 PM
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Originally Posted by oceanbaby View Post

So, WWYD? Do you move to an area you don't really like and have your dh commute for almost 2 hours a day so that you can support your mom?
FOUR HOURS of driving per day for your dh? No way!!!!!!!!!

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#33 of 43 Old 05-10-2010, 10:02 PM
 
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From the title alone, my first thought was no. Not going to happen. My mother is good to go for retirement. Counting down the days, so no worries there. MIL on the other hand, I am really not so sure. I 'think' she is prepared, but I don't know. I would never move to where she lives. I would also NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER want her living in a house where I am also living. But, if need be, I would help her move near us and find her a place she could afford.

But after reading your post, it doesn't sound like you would mind it-as long as you each have your space. The commute would suck, but I would discuss with DH and see how he really feels about it.

Is it possible that your mother could start cutting back now? Could she do her consulting elsewhere? Or just start saving more in general?

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#34 of 43 Old 05-11-2010, 01:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by A&A View Post
FOUR HOURS of driving per day for your dh? No way!!!!!!!!!
Super old post here, but she didn't say two hours each way.
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#35 of 43 Old 05-11-2010, 02:13 PM
 
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Have you ever watched "Income Property" on HGTV (maybe you could even get on the show )? A small space can work if well layed out. When I was in Germany, some of the Airmen had dorm rooms (standard college two person size) that had a shower stall/toilet bathroom, a little kitchenette, bed and sitting area; I was so jealous!

I would try to accommodate her in your basement/garage or move to another house in the neighborhood that could. I would not do the 2hr commute.

I have thought about this. I would really hate to move and we do not have a basement (Texas). Currently my sister's family lives with mom and we couldn't afford to accommodate mom unless she sold her house.

My mom is not mobile enough to completely be on her own, but I would at least want her to have a master suite to herself.

"It should be a rule in all prophylactic work that no harm should ever be unnecessarily inflicted on a healthy person (Sir Graham Wilson, The Hazards of Immunization, 1967)."
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#36 of 43 Old 05-11-2010, 02:42 PM
 
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Absolutely NOT.

But then there are major issues in the family (addiction in one parent when I was growing up, they cannot treat me with even a small amount of respect even although addicted parent has long been "in recover").

And I've made no bones of the fact that I wouldn't do it.

Both my brother and I live 5-6 hours away. I wonder why, hmmm?

I've not seen them in 8+ years.

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#37 of 43 Old 05-11-2010, 04:22 PM
 
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No. I know it sounds cold hearted, but no, I wouldn't. I would work hard to find my parents an affordable living situation within about a 30 minute drive of us.

If your mom is going to have $1000 a month, then she'll qualify for HUD subsidized housing. I would strongly suggest that she get on some waiting lists for subsidized senior housing when she turns 62 (usually the lower age limit). (OK, that you help her get on a waiting list.) The beauty of these places is that they charge no more than 30% of her income. So, she'd pay $300 a month in rent. If she retires at 65, she'll be eligible for medicare. She'll still have $700 a month left for food, medicine and what have you. Will she be living well? No, but she should get by. You can invite her over for dinner a lot. Send her home care packages.

An example: http://www.senioraffordablehousing.org/sitemap.htm

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#38 of 43 Old 05-11-2010, 04:55 PM
 
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Tough one. How strong is your marriage? Would this situation lead to enough resentment from your DH over the move and the commute that it might destablize your marriage and lead to divorce? If that happened, would you still be able to support your mother as a single mother yourself?

Much depends on your Dh's attitude to the move and support.
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#39 of 43 Old 05-11-2010, 05:19 PM
 
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No. I little patience with them anyway for many, many "straws that should have broke the camel's back" reasons. I offer my support from afar only. Otherwise it feels like strangleweed.
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#40 of 43 Old 05-11-2010, 08:37 PM
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Originally Posted by mamatojade View Post
Super old post here, but she didn't say two hours each way.
You're right.........I read it wrong. However, 2 hours each day is still a lot!

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#41 of 43 Old 05-11-2010, 09:01 PM
 
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I sort of expect that at some point my Dad might end up living with me... but I think he'll fight it tooth and nail and that he'll want me to move to HIS house. (which is why he keeps telling me I'm going to inherit it)

We're also in a very expensive area - our income is well above average but we will be lucky if we can afford to buy a townhouse. Townhouses here are starting to be built with "nanny suites" so hopefully we will get one of those and rent the suite out... then maybe we'll be able to afford the entire mortgage by the time my Dad needs a place to live.

I would not move farther away to afford this, though, our first priority is making sure DP can get to work easily. I think I would choose to live in a smaller space rather than move to a less desirable location. I like being in the city even though it's expensive.

I imagine things are pretty restrictive where you are too, but the travel trailer in the driveway idea can work for some people if the bylaws allow it. I'm fascinated by these: http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/ This woman built hers for $7000, complete with composting toilet! http://togetherweareone.com/node/67

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#42 of 43 Old 05-11-2010, 10:44 PM
 
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We *just* got released from our burden of caring for DH's dad. Well, not his biological father, but a neighbor when Dh was a child that for all purposes has been more of a parent to him then his real parents ever have been. He is in his 70's, no savings, lives paycheck to paycheck, we live in high COL area, he gets $1000.00 a month from social security, and has to live off of it. For years we tried to figure out what to do with him, he could not live in the same house as us, so we wrestled with similar thoughts. We ended up getting him on a waiting list for brand new retirement housing a while back, he moved in a week ago. He was able to retire from his job, the place manages his money, pays his bills, he is NOT thrilled about that part but they pay off is that he has a nice place to live that is only $300.00 a month to rent in a town where the cheapest thing is usually 1000.00 a month. This has been the biggest weight off of our shoulders. The zoning laws here are against mother-in-law suites so that was not an option for us.

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#43 of 43 Old 05-11-2010, 11:12 PM
 
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I would absolutley *sp* support my parents if I could afford to do so, because they have done it for me. However, the 2 hour commute is a concern! I might try to go to another area if possible where the commute would not be an issue. My friend had one of those homes built that had a full finished basement for her MIL. So she was right downstairs, but had her own entrance, etc.

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