How to respond when someone asks why you defriended them on FB? - Mothering Forums
Talk Amongst Ourselves > How to respond when someone asks why you defriended them on FB?
limabean's Avatar limabean 01:51 PM 10-16-2009
I'm normally on the "don't feel bad about not friending someone" side of Facebook discussions, and I definitely still feel that way, but I need some help with what to say when people who I've ignored on FB ask me about it in person.

I only have 21 FB friends because I'm extremely selective about who I'll friend -- so far it's only close family and very close friends. I actually went through and defriended several people recently -- a few were people from high school with whom I exchanged the quick "Hey, how's it going" when we first friended each other, but we never said another word to each other, and a few were people that I see occasionally (my hairdresser for example), but again, we'd never exchanged a personal word to each other on FB, and that's just not the kind of site I want to have.

Anyway, I'm a little unsure of how to respond if those people realize that I unfriended them and say something to me, or if new people who try to friend me ask why I haven't accepted. For the latter, I'm thinking something like, "Yeah, sorry, I hardly ever check it and mostly just use it to share pictures with my family" would work fine, but for the former (where I defriended people) I'm not sure what to say. Any thoughts?

thefreckledmama's Avatar thefreckledmama 02:17 PM 10-16-2009
I would just be honest, that you're using FB for family related communications.
lucyem's Avatar lucyem 02:59 PM 10-16-2009
I had a friend unfriend me for the same reason. I see her all the time and I know it was not just some excuse to avoid me. She found FB too hard to keep up with and felt like she had to respond to everyone. There was also this odd things going on with some other friends of hers. Weird backstabbing high school crap in 40 yr old women. So she unfriended all and only uses FB for family to see photos of her kids and family updates.
terrordactyl's Avatar terrordactyl 04:03 PM 10-16-2009
unless they ask you in person i just wouldnt reply
MusicianDad's Avatar MusicianDad 04:37 PM 10-16-2009
The truth. Whatever the truth is, it's best to just find a way to word it nicely and explain that to them.
sebandg'smama's Avatar sebandg'smama 06:11 PM 10-16-2009
I block people so they think I've disappeared from FB.
limabean's Avatar limabean 06:30 PM 10-16-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by thefreckledmama View Post
I would just be honest, that you're using FB for family related communications.
Some of them are family members though. They're like 3rd cousins thrice removed that I only see once every 10 years or so, but still. I guess chances are they won't ask me, I'd just hate to be caught off-guard if they did. I guess something like, "It just got to be too much, so I had to limit it to people I talk to all the time IRL." Which is the truth, but I still feel weird about saying it. I dunno -- hopefully no one will put me on the spot about it.
Yoshua's Avatar Yoshua 06:35 PM 10-16-2009
ummm i'm pretty brutal when it comes to honesty.


Are these people you interact with in daily life?


If the answer is 'no' I'd respond with

'isn't it obvious?'


if the answer is 'yes'

I'd respond with 'I decided not to use FB to plan my social events, if you want to hang out call me on the phone'
limabean's Avatar limabean 06:39 PM 10-16-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yoshua View Post
ummm i'm pretty brutal when it comes to honesty.


Are these people you interact with in daily life?


If the answer is 'no' I'd respond with

'isn't it obvious?'
Really? You'd look your sweet, friendly hairdresser who has a different, way more open perception of FB and would be asking the question in a genuine way, wondering if maybe there was a glitch in her account, in the eye and say "Isn't it obvious?" if she asked why you were no longer on her friends list? These aren't people I hate, they're people I'm friendly with.
Yoshua's Avatar Yoshua 06:48 PM 10-16-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post
Really? You'd look your sweet, friendly hairdresser who has a different, way more open perception of FB and would be asking the question in a genuine way, wondering if maybe there was a glitch in her account, in the eye and say "Isn't it obvious?" if she asked why you were no longer on her friends list? These aren't people I hate, they're people I'm friendly with.



I get my hair done at great clips so not likely that 'I' would be in that specific situation.

But yes, if I decide I don't want to talk to someone on a daily basis or have them in my business then that is my choice.

It is very rude of them to enquire as to what reason I decided to remove them as a friend, and if they are looking for a sympathetic response from me? It isn't likely.


I am not a jerk, but I am brutally honest to a fault. And I have had this situation come up recently.


Someone I graduated with wanted to friend me on facebook/myspace because I was on the reunion committee. I had a committee site set up that anyone could contact me and the other members at, but this person asked why I wouldn't add THEM to my PERSONAL site and my response was


"My personal site is for my friends that I talk to on a daily basis, here is the link to the committee site"


It is honest, straight forward, and extremely obvious. I didn't put it as 'isn't it obvious?' but it amounts to the same thing insinuating they should use a little common sense.



PS- You asked me what I would say. Just being honest.
ledzepplon's Avatar ledzepplon 06:54 PM 10-16-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yoshua View Post

It is very rude of them to enquire as to what reason I decided to remove them as a friend, and if they are looking for a sympathetic response from me? It isn't likely.
I don't see why it's rude to ask someone why they removed you. That seems like basic communication to me.

I'd go with an honest but kind answer, such as, "I'm just using FB to keep in touch with family for now."
Irishmommy's Avatar Irishmommy 06:54 PM 10-16-2009
There's a huge difference between

Quote:
'isn't it obvious?'
and

Quote:
"My personal site is for my friends that I talk to on a daily basis, here is the link to the committee site"
The first is rude and obnoxious, the second is honest and polite.
limabean's Avatar limabean 06:54 PM 10-16-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yoshua View Post
"My personal site is for my friends that I talk to on a daily basis, here is the link to the committee site"
Oh. That has a very very different tone than "Isn't it obvious?".
Yoshua's Avatar Yoshua 06:56 PM 10-16-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishmommy View Post
There's a huge difference between



and



The first is rude and obnoxious, the second is honest and polite.
I can see where you see that.

But to me it amounts to the same thing. and to be honest when I first wrote 'isn't it obvious?' I probably should have said "<insert obvious reason here and tell them to go away>"


People can word things however they want, but my sentiment amounts to the same thing. "If I defriended you, why are you asking why?" How it is packaged really doesn't make a huge different to me personally.
Houdini's Avatar Houdini 06:59 PM 10-16-2009
I'm with the honesty camp....I would simply tell them it's an arena for me to keep in contact with close friends/family....

I would be inclined to rude in a response to someone who asked me in person why I didn't add them or why I removed them b/c I do find it a situation that does not require an explanation.

I have told more than one person I was not adding them...
limabean's Avatar limabean 07:03 PM 10-16-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Houdini View Post
I would be inclined to rude in a response to someone who asked me in person why I didn't add them or why I removed them b/c I do find it a situation that does not require an explanation.
I can understand that. The only way I could see someone asking is if they were wondering if it was a system glitch. Like with the hairdresser, for example, she's pretty chatty and I can totally see her saying, "So I wanted to show my friend a picture of your daughter the other day and couldn't find you on Facebook! Did you close your account or something?" That's the type of situation I'm imagining, and although that's probably not the most tactful question to ask and I probably wouldn't ask someone that myself, I have no desire to make someone feel stupid for innocently asking me that.
becoming's Avatar becoming 07:16 PM 10-16-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post
Really? You'd look your sweet, friendly hairdresser who has a different, way more open perception of FB and would be asking the question in a genuine way, wondering if maybe there was a glitch in her account, in the eye and say "Isn't it obvious?" if she asked why you were no longer on her friends list? These aren't people I hate, they're people I'm friendly with.
Honestly, I wouldn't have taken this person off my FB. Most people use FB as a way to keep up with people they don't talk to a lot in person, and you seem to be using it for a very different reason. So to be honest, I think any honest response you give is going to seem odd to someone who uses FB in the way most people do.
Gentle~Mommy :)'s Avatar Gentle~Mommy :) 07:21 PM 10-16-2009
You know you can set up groups on your facebook and set different permissions for each group. You could have your high school friends in one group so they can't see certain things on your page, they won't even realize that they have reduces accessibility to your updates or friends, family.
limabean's Avatar limabean 07:27 PM 10-16-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by becoming View Post
Honestly, I wouldn't have taken this person off my FB. Most people use FB as a way to keep up with people they don't talk to a lot in person, and you seem to be using it for a very different reason. So to be honest, I think any honest response you give is going to seem odd to someone who uses FB in the way most people do.
I think you're right about the bolded part -- that's what I'm worried about. I don't plan to change the way I use FB -- I don't like the openness of it. Actually, I don't like it much at all. But yeah, I'm definitely in the minority on that, so I can totally see how my extreme closed-offness would seem odd to people who use the site more "normally," and I feel bad that their feelings might be hurt by my exclusion of them. Maybe I could put a "Yeah, I'm just an oddball" spin on it. I dunno. Maybe I should just delete the whole darned account and be an equal opportunity excluder.
limabean's Avatar limabean 07:28 PM 10-16-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gentle~Mommy :) View Post
You know you can set up groups on your facebook and set different permissions for each group. You could have your high school friends in one group so they can't see certain things on your page, they won't even realize that they have reduces accessibility to your updates or friends, family.
I know. I just don't even want them there at all. I can't really articulate why. It bothers me for some reason, and my social "web" was getting too entangled for my liking -- I was starting to feel caught in it.
limabean's Avatar limabean 07:48 PM 10-16-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post
Maybe I should just delete the whole darned account and be an equal opportunity excluder.
I did this. Ah, much better.
emmalizz's Avatar emmalizz 09:10 PM 10-16-2009
.
limabean's Avatar limabean 09:54 PM 10-16-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by emmalizz View Post
Yep, definately the best solution. Worked for me
Yeah, it was kind of exhilarating.

I totally get the usefulness of that type of site, but it just wasn't working for me.
jeca's Avatar jeca 02:51 AM 10-17-2009
I'd go with what you just said here but I believe in being honest with people.
limabean's Avatar limabean 05:23 AM 10-17-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by jeca View Post
I'd go with what you just said here but I believe in being honest with people.
Yeah ... since so many people have said this, I guess I should clarify that I wasn't looking for lies to tell, I was just looking for good wording to soften the truth.
jeca's Avatar jeca 02:27 PM 10-17-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post
Yeah ... since so many people have said this, I guess I should clarify that I wasn't looking for lies to tell, I was just looking for good wording to soften the truth.
Oh I wasn't suggesting that you weren't going it be honest. I just think that the way you said it here is what you should say. I don't think it's too harsh.
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