Can I get a gay/lesbian perspective? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 12-07-2009, 03:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Edited because my personal story doesn't need to be on the internet forever.
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Thanks for everyone who responded.

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#2 of 12 Old 12-08-2009, 11:37 AM
 
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I'd say this is definitely pretty complicated.
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#3 of 12 Old 12-08-2009, 11:48 AM
 
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I think sexuality has less to do with this than you seem to think it does- you are his ex, you broke up several years ago in an apparently non-amicable way, and he doesn't want to talk to you.

I realize that you have unresolved issues about what happened between the two of you, and I went through a similar thing with an ex of mine who thought he was bi but eventually decided he was completely gay (I stayed bi ), the difference being that I dealt with it on my own and didn't try to get resolution or closure out of interacting with him. I would be happy to talk to you about my experience if you think it would help you get some closure with your situation.

You have to create your own closure about this and accept that if he wanted to talk to you, he would have responded to your attempts to reach him. Whether you could have been friends if things had been different doesn't matter, and he clearly does not want to deal with coming out to you or working out anything that happened in the past.
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#4 of 12 Old 12-08-2009, 12:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#5 of 12 Old 12-08-2009, 09:07 PM
 
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I'm sorry for the confusion and angst you are feeling about your friend.

Maybe I can help, from the other side of the equation. I was raised as an evangelical Christian. Although I, myself, probably never "preached" against homosexuality that message was all around me, my friends were in the same environment I was.

I have since come out as a lesbian. As happens in the social networking era we live in some of my friends from the past have started friending me. Every time I see one of their names pop up I go through a lengthy, sometimes painful process trying to decide if I should "let them in" to my life. It is very difficult, I just never know what to expect. Sometimes things are cool, they congratulate me on my successes in life, including my partner, sometimes they say they are upset but we then just act like everything's cool. A few of my very best friends from high school have unfriended me once they found out. And to be honest, sometimes I have outright ignored their contact, especially if it's someone who meant a lot to me. I would rather just ignore them than deal with any potential negative fall out. Maybe that'll change with time, but for now it's my reality.

I think that you should leave him alone for now. Maybe plan on contacting him again in a year. You could send an email, wish him happy holidays, that way you wouldn't seem stalkerish. I don't know your friend, or how he would respond, but I have been most open with those who have actually written me a personal email, telling me some about themselves, not just sending a random friend request.

Good luck! I know how hard losing friends can be...

Me and DP, No children yet, but we plan on having kids someday. I'm trying to lose weight and get fit. Ask if I've done my push-ups this week.
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#6 of 12 Old 12-09-2009, 11:30 AM
 
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Moving to TOA. This is not a Queer Parenting issue.



Lex

Mindfully mothering SIX kids (ages 4, 5, 7, 8, 11 & 11) in a small house with a lot of love.
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#7 of 12 Old 12-09-2009, 11:38 AM
 
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It's very possible that he didn't know he was gay when you were dating him.

Whatever his reasons, he doesn't want to have any contact with you right now. You might be a painful reminder of "his life before he came out to himself." Maybe he's afraid you'd judge him. Maybe he just thinks it would be too awkward to meet up with a former lover, even if you were primarily friends the whole time.

He knows you're on Facebook and can contact you if he changes his mind. Even if he doesnt' really know how to work Facebook properly, I'm sure he can find somebody to help him if he's interested in finding you in the future.

I think you need to let this go.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19 (in Israel for another school year), Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 12(homeschooled)
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#8 of 12 Old 12-09-2009, 01:12 PM
 
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I posted a while back about being ignored (actually, lied to and then ignored) by a former BFF on Facebook. It hurt, but what could I do besides respect her desire not to get back in touch? I think that's all you can do too. I know it's confusing and hurtful.

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#9 of 12 Old 12-09-2009, 01:17 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BarefootScientist View Post
I would love to hear more about your experience if you would like to share.

Well...I dated a guy who had previously been a very close friend. At the time we met, we both identified as bi and he dated a female and a male friend of mine during our friendship. A couple of years into the friendship, after a period of not talking to each other because he had revealed romantic feelings to me that I was not ready to deal with, we reunited and almost immediately began dating.

He made a lot of statements about wanting to marry me, etc. and then I came up for a visit to the college he had moved away to for grad school, where he was very active in the GLBT community, and it was obvious from people's reaction to me that he had been representing himself as gay. We had a lot of talks about it and he explained that he had not met any women he was attracted to since we had stopped talking and he started to believe that he was gay, but when we reunited he discovered that he was still very much physically attracted to me.

Well, eventually the wheels came off. He started acting distant and not inviting me to events on campus, we decided to cool off on the marriage talk but still keep seeing each other, and eventually he revealed during a visit to my house that he had started dating a man, which ended our dating, the friendship, and our association with each other all at once.

We did have one phone conversation after that during which we discussed conditions by which we might be able to preserve our friendship- the condition I named was that I wanted him to sit down, really think about what had happened between us, and write me a letter explaining his side of everything that took place and his feelings about it, and I would read it and write back.

I never got the letter and have never heard from him again.

I was crushed, confused, etc. and it took me a long time to get closure without ever getting to talk to him about what went on. I realize now that his relationship with me, while I believe that it was based on real feelings and even physical attraction, was his last ditch attempt to find out if he could be happy in a relationship with a woman that went beyond sex and carried over into his day-to-day life, and it turned out that he can't. There are varying degrees of attraction to different genders in each person and I believe that his particular flavor of queerness is that he is sexually attracted to women and capable of having relationships with them on some level, but he finds true emotional fulfillment and love, in addition to sexual attraction, with men.

As far as his decision to stop talking to me and not do the work to resolve things between us, I eventually came to the conclusion that I can't be responsible for his issues and I can't make him responsible for my healing. I had to just move on and get over it, and lovingly release him.

My mantra for letting go of people when we have unresolved issues in this life is to take a moment to focus on that person in my mind and then say to them, "(Person's name), I release you from our ancient, twisted karma". Basically a more New Agey way to say "I wish you the best, now F off"
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#10 of 12 Old 12-09-2009, 01:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#11 of 12 Old 12-09-2009, 01:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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lynsage, interesting, thank you. Your situation sounds very similar to mine.

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#12 of 12 Old 12-09-2009, 02:30 PM
 
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Ditto to Ditto
Quote:
And to be honest, sometimes I have outright ignored their contact, especially if it's someone who meant a lot to me. I would rather just ignore them than deal with any potential negative fall out. Maybe that'll change with time, but for now it's my reality.
I've had a rough life (nothing to do with being queer/bi) and the social networking sites make me bite my nails sometimes. It is MUCH easier to hit ignore sometimes just bc I don't want to feel bad and/or don't want them to...

---feeling like an emu on acid---
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