small rant: My last name is not my husband's last name! - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-09-2010, 12:52 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Tradd View Post
No, myself. I've had friends when doing up address and invite lists for certain things ask me what I wanted - Ms. or Miss. Even though they gave me the choice, when I told them Miss, they flew off the handle like you wouldn't believe. Or when they introduce their small kids to me and say "Ms. Last Name" and I nicely told them I go by Miss Last Name (and no, there was no confusion over pronounciation). They don't like it.
In those situations I'd be inclined to return the favour.

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Old 02-09-2010, 03:34 AM
 
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I didn't change my last name, either, and my in-laws called me by dh's last name until we had our first kid and gave her dh's last name. I guess that was all they cared about, because then they started addressing me by last name. Dh is the last of their clan, though, so I guess I should be more understanding. Dh's grandmother still won't call me by my last name, but I chalk it up to forgetfulness more than anything.

The only other person who ever gave me grief was this totally inept guy who came to snake out our sewer. He made a huge mess, and then started talking on his phone with his sewer-soaked glove on. Then when I wrote him a check he told me that if his wife didn't change her name, he'd give her the boot. I thought, "That would be probably be the nicest thing you could do for her, buddy!"

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Old 02-09-2010, 03:42 AM
 
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I know I will get a lot of flack....but we are all entitled to our opinions. I was overjoyed with the fact I would be switching my name. I was 20 and getting married to the man I loved and to me (and him) and important part of that was joining his family and taking his name. The number of hyphenated names I see are rediculous....all I can picture is uber-feminist daughters with hyphenated names getting married and insisting on hyphenating their hyphen. lol
I understand Drs keeping their name. The vet I work with is still Dr X but outside of the workforce she is Mrs Y. She became a vet before getting married so it seemed sense to her to keep it for that reason. To me it is an important part of getting married...I have no issue with my maiden name...but I wanted to become Mrs
Plus it is just simpler....you don't have to go through your married life having to explain the whole "I kept my name because...." or being resentful that people assume you are Mrs X rather than Ms Y.
Aside from the above-mentioned dude, I have never once had to explain why I kept my name. I don't think it has anything to do with being an uber-feminist, though if such thing exists I can say with certainty I am one. It's just an antiquated tradition that has little relevance in modern society, and is simply a personal preference. I would never call someone's choice to change their name ridiculous.

Also, my dd goes to a school with a very high percentage of Hispanic students, and almost all of them have hyphenated names. I'm sure they'll figure out what to do with them when they get married.

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Old 02-09-2010, 03:51 AM
 
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I straight up refuse to answwer to anything other than my name. Everyone got it pretty quick after missed calls, returned letters, etc. I too like the "bob/ben" thing..I used that on a few people.

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Old 02-09-2010, 01:35 PM
 
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Plus it is just simpler....you don't have to go through your married life having to explain the whole "I kept my name because...." or being resentful that people assume you are Mrs X rather than Ms Y.
I thought it was simpler not to have to get all my I.D. changed, as well as bank accounts, investment accounts, professional association memberships, licenses, etc. etc. etc. Now that's a hassle.

I've never explained why I kept my name, unless it was a general topic of conversation among people, like this one. To clerks, sales people, etc. I simply tell them my name, and if necessary, the names of my dh and dc. I've never felt compelled to explain myself. It's none of their business.

And I'm not resentful if people think I am Mrs.X rather than Ms Y. As I said upthread, my emotions and reactions are within my control. I may not like it, but I'm not going to spend negative energy on something like this.
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Old 02-09-2010, 01:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by journeymom View Post
So you go by Ms. Maidenname. Yes, I think most people would assume that you married into the Maidenname family if you went by Mrs. Maidenname. But would it be incorrect? After all you are married. Except that it would be confusing, I do think you could correctly call yourself Mrs. Maidenname. Misleading? Only if your intention is to mislead.

I know, it's basically a philosophical exercise.
Yes, it would be wrong. I'm not married to Mr. Mylastname, which is what Mrs. Mylastname traditionally means.

It also would be very confusing and misleading, not the least to the people who would think my dh's name is Mr. Mylastname, when it's actually Mr. Hislastname.
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Old 02-09-2010, 04:10 PM
 
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Yes, it would be wrong. I'm not married to Mr. Mylastname, which is what Mrs. Mylastname traditionally means.

It also would be very confusing and misleading, not the least to the people who would think my dh's name is Mr. Mylastname, when it's actually Mr. Hislastname.
People think my DH is Mr. Mylastname all the time as my name comes second in our double last name. I think its hilarious, but in my mind Mr. Mylastname will always be my father. He never corrects people either...where as I usually do with a vengeance!

As to Mrs. being inappropriate if one keeps the given last name, what about women who get divorced? My Mom still goes by Mrs. Marriedlastname, but its been 20+ years since Mr. MyDad has been her husband.
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Old 02-09-2010, 04:40 PM
 
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As to Mrs. being inappropriate if one keeps the given last name, what about women who get divorced? My Mom still goes by Mrs. Marriedlastname, but its been 20+ years since Mr. MyDad has been her husband.
Honestly, and without wanting to be disrespectful to your mother, yes I think it's wrong. I realize that many women don't return to their original names, for a variety of reasons, and that it's legal. I'm sure they have their reasons, and it's none of my business, so I wouldn't say anything about it. I would honour their wish to continue to use that name and that honorific. Unlike the people who are giving the OP a hard time by not respecting her wishes.
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Old 02-09-2010, 05:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
A lot of women are starting to prefer Ms. because there is no marital status attached to it. Miss. means unmarried, Mrs. means married and for many that means their place in society is associated with the men in their life (in otherwords, does she belong to her father or husband). While for men there is only one title, Mr.

Ms. just means adult woman, either married or unmarried, and doesn't have to same male-based determinant.


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On the Mrs. -vs- Ms. front...MusicianDad is absolutely right. A woman's title should in no way have to show her marital status. How is her marital status even relevant? Its such a holdover from when women were chattal.


Yeap, Ms is there to keep marital status out of one's name. The thing that bugs me, in our old city, all the school would call married women Mrs and unmarried Ms. Umm, if you're going to delineate on marital status, then it's Mrs. and Miss. If not drop both of them (because they're archaic anyways) and use Ms. Drove me nuts!

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Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
It's not just uber-feminists who hyphenate. There are a lot of reasons to hyphenate, just like there are a lot of reasons to change or not change ones last name when marrying.

That being said. The term maiden name bugs the crap out of me because it's no longer wholy accurate, men are starting to change their names when they get married, and like me those who do were never maidens to begin with.

Thank you, it bugs me too. Maiden implies either young girl or virgin and that's no longer a requirement for marriage anymore. I either call it my name or my given name.

When people ask about us and being married, I just say "we both kept our names." Because we did. No one asks him why he didn't change his name.

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Old 02-09-2010, 06:03 PM
 
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Why though, even if a woman keeps her name, is the general default (note I said general, not all ) for the kids to still get the dad's name?

My kids were getting my name, no matter what. It just happened to be convenient that I chose to change mine to dh's.
This is such a great observation, I wondered that too, but there's no way I'd torture my kids with my name.

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Old 02-10-2010, 04:33 AM
 
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Why though, even if a woman keeps her name, is the general default (note I said general, not all ) for the kids to still get the dad's name?
It is supposed to show who they belong to. Just like a woman being Miss her dad's last name belonging to her dad and Mrs. her DH's name belonging to her DH. The kids getting his name mean that they're his too.
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