Tell me the truth, did I do a bad thing? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums
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Talk Amongst Ourselves > Tell me the truth, did I do a bad thing?
allgirls's Avatar allgirls 11:00 AM 03-08-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishmommy View Post
Yup. Dh had a female friend when we met, who was obviously (to me) wanting him for herself. Right from Day 1 she was trying to stake a claim she didn't have on him. They never kissed, she didn't call me a whore, but did come close. I did give dh an ultimatum, he chose me.

He had another close female friend. She made a point of talking to me and letting me know that she was not a threat to our relationship. No utimatum.
This is almost exactly what happened with dh and I. I don't know that she wanted him...so much as she thought he belonged to her...they were ONLY friends however when we met for dinner she spoke not one word to me, when dh went to the bathroom she left the table with a glare then when he came back she hurried back and sat down as though nothing happened.

We were seeing each other every weekend...and suddenly her "friend" was too busy for her...there was never any need for an ultamatum...he never looked back. She was jealous and thought she had a claim she never had. They drifted apart as friends eventually because, personally, I think she used him and when he wasn't there to fix her car or cook her dinner she had no use for him.

His other female friend was a roommate..she is awesome...we were at her wedding, she's on my facebook...she was happy he found someone.

Kidzaplenty's Avatar Kidzaplenty 11:35 AM 03-08-2010
I have never personally had a relationship like this, but my father did. A stupid emotional affair broke up my parents thrity year marriage. And when he had to choose between his "friend" or his wife, he took the friend. It does not have to be physical to be an affair. And I would not have put up with it as long as the OP did. I have seen what it can do to a family.

I think if an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend is so important to a person that they ignore the feelings of their soon to be spouse and invite the ex to the wedding, they should reconsider the marriage or re-evaluate the relationship with the ex.

I would never have married my husband if he had insisted on inviting an ex-girlfriend to the wedding over my objections.

But that is just me. I think the OP has every right to be upset.
Right of Passage's Avatar Right of Passage 02:13 PM 03-08-2010
OP I'm so sorry you're going through this!

I think there have been a lot of valid points made. For what it's worth I think finally giving your husband an ultimatum was a good thing. I don't think contacting her was the best choice, it adds fuel to her fire. Depending on how it fuels her fire it may make it so she pursues your DH harder.

Of course hindsight being 20/20 I'm sure you know what you should have/would have done differently. Like discussing the discomfort caused by his "friend" from day one, and potentionally preventing this situation completely. That isn't possible to change so you can just do the best you can with where you are now.

I hope that through this will come a stronger respect, love, and future for your relationship.
Jenifer76's Avatar Jenifer76 06:43 PM 03-08-2010
Been there, done that. Even the phone number listed under a different name to hide the person's identity. I am sure this colors my perspective. ((hug)) to the OP.
Rosemarino's Avatar Rosemarino 02:29 AM 03-11-2010
I'm with the op. You're in the right.
aihcalappa's Avatar aihcalappa 10:19 AM 03-11-2010
I think the OP was in the right, and personally, if it was me, I would have cussed her out all over FB. That being said, I think the real issue is with her husband. He is not, and has not shown the OP the respect she deserves. If it were me, I would probably throw him out. Trust is too important in a marriage, and if I couldn't trust my partner, I wouldn't be able to stick with the relationship. This is my perspective, after having been cheated on by two long-term partners, one of whom is my soon to be ex husband.
OP, I wish you well, and hope things work out for you.
aihcalappa's Avatar aihcalappa 10:20 AM 03-11-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by TexasG View Post
i think you were right in what you did, maybe even too nice in fact! I think the ultimatum was correct as well. I mean, you were only telling him that to have you, he needs to stop doing things that hurt and disrepect you. No problem with that. YOU gave HIM a choice. I do not kiss my friends and do not feel the need to hide them. If it was innocent, he would not have needed to hide the fact that he was still talking to her. The woman sounds like a nut, if she was his true friend, she would have known that you are what makes him happy and if her being in his life in the way that she was-secretive and disrepectful of you--she would have not screeched back at you about it, she would have understood and backed the heck up.

Totally agree!
aihcalappa's Avatar aihcalappa 10:25 AM 03-11-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
Let's see...

* I invite my ex to the wedding, even though it hurts my bride's feelings...
* I invite my ex to the baby shower, even though it hurts my wife's feelings...
* I KISS another woman, even though it hurts my wife's feelings (and it would 100% be considered cheating in the kind of relationship I am in, and sounds like OP lives by the same standards)
* I hide the ID on the phone, so that I keep in contact with my ex
* I am heartbroken that a woman that called my wife names is not healthy for our marriage, and has to go...

Yup, as a wife I would be crushed.
Come on, who really has to give in here? Do I choose my ex's feelings over my wife's all this time???

Marriage is about putting each other first. Not friends, not in-laws, not siblings, not former ex boyfriends and ex girlfriends (ugh!), but each other. It's US against the world. It's caring about each other's happiness first. Undermining it by inviting an ex to OUR (not mine, OUR) wedding is disrespectful. Repeating it for a baby shower (again, not mine, not yours, but OURS), is hurtful. Kissing is cheating (and I agree with the pp who said that if it was "just a peck on the cheek" the husband wouldn't feel the need to explain). Defending a woman that calls me names? Outrageous. Will NEVER happen in this house.

Yes, being possessive and jealous and not allowing friends of the opposite gender is wrong, but pretending that my wife's feelings do not matter - where is right in that?

P.S. Do I think ex's can be invited to the wedding? Sure! But with such sensitive subject, you know what I would do? I would ask if it woudl bother DP, and if he said no, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. It would be wrong to go behind his back, and it was wrong of OP's husband to act the way he did on every point in this story.

This. Every word. Couldn't have said it better myself!
Storm Bride's Avatar Storm Bride 04:54 PM 03-11-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
Really? You are willing to go straight to full on hate before you even really know someone? Wow, I can honestly say I have never "hated from day one". All I see that doing is causing a situation like this one to eventually develop.
My ex had a female friend, Nicki, that I never cared for. I tried and tried to like her, because he always said she was a "good friend". She wasn't even remotely interested in him, but she was one of those girls - we were teens - who wanted all her male friends to herself.

Anyway...things came to a head after we'd been together for 2.5-3 years. She wanted my ex to go with her to pick up her fiance in another town. It was an overnight trip. I was okay with that - not worried about cheating or anything, but we were going to a concert the second day. I asked him if he'd be back in time. Yeah - they should be back about six hours before the concert started. He showed up at the venue, while I was waiting outside with his ticket. The rest of our group had already gone in and found their seats. Apparently, Nicki had found one reason after another why they couldn't leave town after picking up her fiance...and she had the car.

I blew up. I missed part of the opening band (not that big a deal - and one of our friends had promised to come out and get me before the main act went on), because I was waiting for my ex to show up and claim his ticket. I made it very clear that I felt this was deliberate on her part, just to make me mad, and stake her claim. He'd been arguing with me about this as long as I'd known her...and he finally saw my point.

What am I getting at? I had a bad feeling about her from the get-go. She went out of her way to try to make me look bad, in various ways. But, I tried to get along with her, and tried not to give her the benefit of the doubt. If I were talking about her now, I'd probably say I hated her from the beginning, because it's a kind of short-hand. I never actually hated her. I'm not sure I've ever hated anybody (maybe the OB who did my third section). But, it's a simple way to explain it. She was as toxic as it gets, and she was bad news for our relationship, and I never liked her, even though I tried.

I have to wonder if this is kind of what the OP meant.


ETA: My ex had lots of other female friends. I had lots of male friends. It was never an issue...except with Nicki.
BabyMae09's Avatar BabyMae09 08:40 PM 03-11-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Satori View Post
I'll be the voice of decent here, do you not trust your DH? Are you so insecure in your marriage that you can't let him have a female friend? Especially one he's had for over 20 years? I would be mad as if someone tried what you did. I am good friends with most of my ex's, one is a very dear friend and we broke up 15-16 years ago and I still love him (deep friendship love, not romantically) and have no problem with a kiss but were FRIENDS, there is nothing romantic going on, we could sleep together, butt nakked and nothing would happen. He is a FRIEND! I have had relationships with others where I have had to put my foot down and make it clear, I will not throw away a relationship/friendship that means something to me to deal with your insecurity issues. That would not only hurt me but someone else I care about. There is nothing wrong with saying you miss dating them, you had/have good memories of it, that does not mean you want to jump in bed and DTD. God knows I miss the relationship I shared with my friend when we were romantically involved and its literally set the bar for what I expect a relationship to look like but those feelings between us changed a long time ago. We may hang out together, even hold hands or share a quick kiss but were FRIENDS, very dear friends but nothing romantic is going to happen and I expect my partner to respect that and trust that I will remain faithful to them and them only. If your so bothered by your DH talking to this woman then yes I can see why he hid it, to protect YOU and your feelings of insecurity. They kissed, he fessed up, point is, HE TOLD YOU, he didn't try hiding it. I really don't think you had anything to worry about but after this little stunt? This is only going to end with at least 2 people getting hurt with 1 being your DH.
WOW. Even if I could sleep in a bed with an ex, I WOULDN'T out of respect for my DP.

OP - You ARE NOT wrong. You husband was, esp. to kiss her. I'd be heartbroken and pissed. You have every right to be. also, if he's hiding her number, there are trust issues that you guys need to work out. Maybe in counsellings?
limabean's Avatar limabean 08:50 PM 03-11-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
My ex had a female friend, Nicki, that I never cared for. I tried and tried to like her, because he always said she was a "good friend". She wasn't even remotely interested in him, but she was one of those girls - we were teens - who wanted all her male friends to herself.

Anyway...things came to a head after we'd been together for 2.5-3 years. She wanted my ex to go with her to pick up her fiance in another town. It was an overnight trip. I was okay with that - not worried about cheating or anything, but we were going to a concert the second day. I asked him if he'd be back in time. Yeah - they should be back about six hours before the concert started. He showed up at the venue, while I was waiting outside with his ticket. The rest of our group had already gone in and found their seats. Apparently, Nicki had found one reason after another why they couldn't leave town after picking up her fiance...and she had the car.

I blew up. I missed part of the opening band (not that big a deal - and one of our friends had promised to come out and get me before the main act went on), because I was waiting for my ex to show up and claim his ticket. I made it very clear that I felt this was deliberate on her part, just to make me mad, and stake her claim. He'd been arguing with me about this as long as I'd known her...and he finally saw my point.

What am I getting at? I had a bad feeling about her from the get-go. She went out of her way to try to make me look bad, in various ways. But, I tried to get along with her, and tried not to give her the benefit of the doubt. If I were talking about her now, I'd probably say I hated her from the beginning, because it's a kind of short-hand. I never actually hated her. I'm not sure I've ever hated anybody (maybe the OB who did my third section). But, it's a simple way to explain it. She was as toxic as it gets, and she was bad news for our relationship, and I never liked her, even though I tried.

I have to wonder if this is kind of what the OP meant.


ETA: My ex had lots of other female friends. I had lots of male friends. It was never an issue...except with Nicki.
I think this illustrates the point very well. The OP said that her DH has other female friends, so it's not like she just automatically hates any woman who is friends with her husband, she just has a problem with this particular woman. To take that one piece of information and try to paint her as an overly suspicious harpy the way some posters are doing isn't fair.
Arduinna's Avatar Arduinna 08:54 PM 03-11-2010
There is nothing wrong with men having female friends. But her husband has no business kissing this other woman, and hiding her phone number on his cell with a code name. This isn't some casual work friend. And honestly, she called you up and freaked out screaming. I wouldn't feel guilty at all in this instance. And my husband does have numerous female work friends and female friends that he knew prior to me. But not one like this woman. The OP has every right to voice her opinion.
Thalia the Muse's Avatar Thalia the Muse 09:24 PM 03-11-2010
I'm usually in the "trust and respect, don't treat your husband like a criminal" camp, but honestly -- her husband is seeing a woman he was romantically involved with, who is still enamored of him, and keeps inviting her to family events like the shower and the wedding even though his wife, who is the co-host, has repeatedly told him that she doesn't want her there? And he goes out alone with her and kisses her?

I have male friends. I know that I can be trusted with male friends. But if my husband did not want to socialize with one of my friends of either sex, I would not repeatedly ignore his preferences and invite that person. I also don't kiss my male friends (the female ones sometimes get a peck on the cheek. ) I didn't ask my ex-boyfriend to my wedding, even though I had NO feelings for him, because it would have been uncomfortable and would have felt inappropriate.

Whether leaving nasty messages on someone's Facebook pages is EVER a good idea is another discussion, but no I don't think the OP is being unreasonable to want this relationship to be over.
bebebradford's Avatar bebebradford 04:48 PM 03-12-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thalia the Muse View Post
I'm usually in the "trust and respect, don't treat your husband like a criminal" camp, but honestly -- her husband is seeing a woman he was romantically involved with, who is still enamored of him, and keeps inviting her to family events like the shower and the wedding even though his wife, who is the co-host, has repeatedly told him that she doesn't want her there? And he goes out alone with her and kisses her?

I have male friends. I know that I can be trusted with male friends. But if my husband did not want to socialize with one of my friends of either sex, I would not repeatedly ignore his preferences and invite that person. I also don't kiss my male friends (the female ones sometimes get a peck on the cheek. ) I didn't ask my ex-boyfriend to my wedding, even though I had NO feelings for him, because it would have been uncomfortable and would have felt inappropriate.

Whether leaving nasty messages on someone's Facebook pages is EVER a good idea is another discussion, but no I don't think the OP is being unreasonable to want this relationship to be over.


Ditto.. Op .. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Your husband and that woman are being shifty. You should come first.. not HER. Just keep communicating with your husband about this. I hope it all works out babe.
bebebradford's Avatar bebebradford 04:50 PM 03-12-2010
ONE MORE THING..

He kissed her WHILE you two were together? That would be a deal breaker for me. PERSONALLY, I would have not let my husband have any contact with a woman he kissed while we were together, and if he had a problem following those wishes I'd be out the door.Obviously if he kissed her then he had/has romantic feeling towards her, and that is not appropriate .
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