I'm so stupid! - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 35 Old 03-12-2010, 01:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by philomom View Post
Also, talk to your dh more. Tell him that dealing with his mom seriously drains the life out of you. Tell him you need options other than her living with you until her death ... thirty years from now.
I agree. OP, maybe it's been addressed in other threads, but what is your DH's position on all of this? What does he say when you tell him that the current situation isn't working for you?

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#32 of 35 Old 03-12-2010, 09:51 PM
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I remember your previous posts. I know this is the culture your dh grew up with, but he's had years to see and understand how painful this is for you.

Now he can no longer blame it on his culture. He's making deliberate choices to continue to make you live this way. You don't HAVE to continue living this way just because you agreed to it at age 19. (We all make stupid mistakes at 19!)

I agree with homewithtwinsmama................I would tell dh that either she goes, or I do.

My dh has already told his mother that he's not giving up his marriage for her!!

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#33 of 35 Old 03-12-2010, 10:50 PM
 
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First of all, you're NOT stupid. You're simply trying to be fair and accomidate the wishes of everyone to the best of your ability.

You mentioned upthread that the cost of an addition/renovation would be fixed and that the cost of maintaining a separate apartment would be ongoing. I think you should do the math. How much would you be willing to spend on renovations? And how many months/years would that sustain your MIL in a separate apartment? At least then you know what you're dealing with. A separate apartment may be surprisingly affordable, but you'll never know until you do the calculations.

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#34 of 35 Old 03-12-2010, 10:59 PM
 
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Really you can build almost anything in your house. If you move, though, you could be expected to take it out. (or if you get caught) I have never had un-invited code inspections personally, but I have heard of it happening when certain types of construction materials show up at a job site and are left out front.

You can have any number of fridges in your house, of any size - they won't stop you. An Indian-style kitchen would have a gas cooktop on a counter, probably 2 burners. (be sure to install an outside-vented fan and make sure it is used every time - this is not so common in Indian kitchens but a safety issue in USA houses.) No disposal needed to meet India standards.

Still, you have a problem. MIL is in your house, and bored. If you flip the deadbolt to keep her out of your half of the house, she will take offense. Your husband will slip her the key and she will let herself in anyway.

You need to keep her busy, find her some friends (a husband?) or get her a place somewhere else. If she is Indian, next to the temple would be good and she could socialize there. Maybe you could move to Minnesota where it would be too cold for her to follow you. It is hard to know what you are signing up for with a non-US MIL. You need to work this out with your husband.
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#35 of 35 Old 03-14-2010, 10:28 AM
 
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Originally Posted by texmati View Post
Thanks for the hug! She's 55 maybe 56 now. I'm not sure about the subsized housing. And I can't imagine anyone wanting to live with her, but maybe we could find someone.
That's young. Seriously. If she is healthy and able to work, she needs to get a job. Now.

Or in your husband's culture is this normal for unmarried MILs to live with their children and not work? And if it is, is he willing to compromise with you and find another way to help her? Maybe paying some of her rent for her own apartment?

Are there other siblings who can help?

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