S/O: Marriage poll, if you don't believe in marriage would you get married? - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: Would you marry someone you love if you didn't believe in marriage but they felt it was important?
Yes 31 58.49%
No 7 13.21%
Maybe 14 26.42%
I'm a spaceship! (aka other) 1 1.89%
Voters: 53. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 06-02-2010, 06:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So I was reading some of the response to the other poll and it got me thinking. If you don't believe in marriage, but it's really important to the person you love would you marry them?

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Old 06-02-2010, 06:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would. If I love someone enough that it doesn't matter if they don't want to get married, I probably love them enough to get married if it was that important to them.

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Old 06-02-2010, 06:35 PM
 
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I did. Also I did it for the business benefits (taxes, insurance, that dull stuff). I don't know if I would do it again if I had it to do over or if this relationship ended and I got another one.

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Old 06-02-2010, 06:40 PM
 
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I voted maybe. I tend to think the person with the stronger feeling should be deferred to.

There are nuances to the above answer, of course, because the automatic deferrment to the person with stronger feelings is not always fair....some people are always more passionate - should they always get their way?

If I were the non-beliver I would probably tweak it so I could have a ceremony I was happy with. I would not go into massive debt for a wedding, nor would I be happy with a traditional church wedding. I do beleive there is middle ground and consensus in a lot of things - even whether to get married!

Edited to add: I am trying to think back on why I got married. It has been 16 years now. Yes I was in love, and I wanted a baby, but there were student loan benefits to being married that I also wanted. I do not regret getting married at all (although I would do the ceremony a bit differently)
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Old 06-02-2010, 06:53 PM
 
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I voted maybe. I tend to think the person with the stronger feeling should be deferred to.
I agree (along with your nuances).

If I were vehemently against marriage and felt like it would be going against my very essence to do so, then no, I'd find a partner who shared my views or at least was okay with the idea of never being married.

But if I just had so-so views on the subject and being married was incredibly important to my partner, then sure I'd marry him.

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Old 06-02-2010, 07:13 PM
 
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I voted yes. I don't want or need marriage for the usual reasons... I want to have some kind of celebration, mostly for the kids. I think an event that affirms that We Are A Family Now would be really good for them. I want the legal documents because I think it will help protect their relationship with their step dad in the event of my death (though I don't know if that's really true). I don't want to change my name. A wedding demonstrates one's ability to parrot words back at an officiant, I don't see it as a means of proving commitment.

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Old 06-03-2010, 02:38 AM
 
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I believe in marriage wholeheartedly. However, I would think that if I did not, and the one I loved did, why not? Seems that if I did not believe in marriage why would it matter if I married or not.

But then again, I have never been on that side of the coin, so I can't really say.

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Old 06-03-2010, 04:09 AM
 
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I voted yes. I got married pretty much because my husband wanted to. Although he's not religious anymore, he was raised Catholic and continuing to live together without being married just didn't sit well with him at that time. I don't think marriage is necessary, but I was committed to him and it was important to him.

Like others, if I was vehemently opposed to marriage, I wouldn't have done it - we would have had to work out some sort of compromise or move on.
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Old 06-03-2010, 12:28 PM
 
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i voted maybe, because it's not really important to me but i would probably do it. i don't know exactly what it would mean to "not believe in" marriage, as in, to be opposed to the principle of it or something? if i objected to the concept of marriage, then i don't know if i would go through with it.
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Old 06-03-2010, 02:16 PM
 
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I voted No. If I actually did not 'believe in marriage' then I imagine it might be a bad idea to partner with someone who did. That seems like an important, fundamental difference, that would cause problems in other ways.

This is different from just being ...kinda iffy about marriage, in my estimation anyway. I think people get married with an iffy attitude all the time.

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Old 06-03-2010, 02:31 PM
 
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I voted No. If I actually did not 'believe in marriage' then I imagine it might be a bad idea to partner with someone who did. That seems like an important, fundamental difference, that would cause problems in other ways.
That's how I feel about it, too.

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Old 06-03-2010, 03:09 PM
 
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Yes here. We were both against marriage, but we got married anyway. It's just easier to explain our relationship to other people with "husband and wife" terms that they understand. Plus, the party was really fun, lots of good memories with friends and family.

I think it's weird to "believe in" marriage as a concept, as a general goal or overall good thing. Committed partnership with a particular person is great, if that's what turns up. Wanting to get married and have kids, just as a general idea, is odd to me. Like it doesn't matter who the other person is?

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Old 06-03-2010, 07:12 PM
 
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I think it's weird to "believe in" marriage as a concept, as a general goal or overall good thing. Committed partnership with a particular person is great, if that's what turns up. Wanting to get married and have kids, just as a general idea, is odd to me. Like it doesn't matter who the other person is?
Re: the bolded -- come on, you don't really think that's how people for whom being married is important feel, do you? They just snag the first candidate who comes along, so that they can be a part of The Institution?

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Old 06-03-2010, 07:54 PM
 
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No, I don't think that's how all people for whom being married is important feel. Clearly, lots of people find the love of their lives and it then makes sense to get married, especially if that ceremony has special meaning for them.

But what I was talking about is the people who speak of marriage as a "pillar of society," without which we'd have no moral compasses - people who believe in marriage as a thing. And yes, I have had conversations with young single people who talk about wanting to get married to somebody in order to live that picture of a life - of course they wouldn't phrase it as wanting to snag any likely candidate in order to be part of The Institution, but sadly, it sometimes does seem to work out that way.

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Old 06-03-2010, 07:59 PM
 
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Yeah, when you phrase it that way, I've known people like that too. And too often they make pretty poor choices of partners because they just want to be with someone. Ugh.

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Old 06-03-2010, 08:04 PM
 
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Wanting to get married and have kids, just as a general idea, is odd to me. Like it doesn't matter who the other person is?
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They just snag the first candidate who comes along, so that they can be a part of The Institution?
Definitely, some people do this, marrying whomever they happen to be with when they get to the point in their life when it just seems like they 'ought' to get married. Dh and I kind of did this. We'd been together for a while and got married when my room mate got married. Seemed like the practical, and logical thing to do. It's worked out.

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Old 06-03-2010, 08:26 PM
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This is hard to answer, b/c I do like being married and the idea of marriage-- but I think marriage can mean so many different things to different people. I get the whole history of the institution maybe offending some, or just the idea of lifelong monogamy for others... but that doesn't distract from how I wanted to marry DH. Anyway, I suppose it would depend on your issue with marriage. I would hope that if it was that you didn't believe in the insitution, in the lifelong commitment, you made that clear to your partner and weren't lying to them. If marriage was important for social reasons for them, then why not do it anyway, as long as both know what it really means to them. But if it was a it treats women as property thing, then I can see someone not wanting to do it at all.

For me, when I met DH it was like I had known him in another life, and I wanted to be bound with him in a special, spiritual, public, and permanent way. That's why we got married (even though I get the whole women are property argument).

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Old 06-03-2010, 08:44 PM
 
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Even if I didn't "believe in" marriage, I would still marry my dh so the kids and I could get the excellent health coverage we have. That's way more important to me than taking an ideological stand.
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Old 06-06-2010, 01:27 PM
 
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No, I wouldn't. I couldn't. That would be putting their needs before mine. I would figure it just wasn't meant to be.

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Old 06-08-2010, 03:06 AM
 
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I can't imagine that personally. I am all for the ideal of marriage in my life for someone I love and want to spend my life with as a partner in life and marriage.

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Old 06-08-2010, 05:00 AM
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yes.

for me, marriage itself (in a religious or governmental sense) isn't that important to me. the commitment that we share is.

so, if the other person didn't believe in marriage, no problem. if the other person does really believe in marriage, again, no problem.

i would have been find staying unmarried, but DH really wanted it, so we got married.
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Old 06-08-2010, 05:25 AM
 
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I had to choose maybe. It would depend on what your reason for not believing in marriage is, and what their definition of marriage is. I do not believe in the traditional model of marriage presented in the US anymore, because I believe monogamy is unnatural and too limiting to the human species. So I would consent to marrying someone if they felt it was really important, but only if they respected that I believe in polyamory (the ability to love more than one) and would welcome an addition for either of us or both down the road.

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Old 06-09-2010, 05:13 PM
 
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I was married, believed in all the true love, soulmate, one in a million stuff. Then my Husband, who I'd been with for 9 years, woke up one day and told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted me out of his life, and I realized, marriage meant nothing, it was just a piece of paper. No, I will never marry again. I'm done.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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