I am territorial with my bathroom - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 01:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Tell me if I'm off my rocker here.
My house has 3 full bathrooms. On the top floor with all the bedrooms is the master bath and one other full bath. My three sons (ages 8, 7, 5) use the other one and when we have overnight guests they use it as well (because it's on the same floor as the bedrooms and the last full bath is in the basement). I scrub it completely before a guest comes and then make sure to wipe it down every night so that nobody has to deal with the boys toothpaste in the sink. None of our relatives have any issue with this.
Except one.
When she came the first time she told me "I will not be sharing a bathroom with the boys, thank you very much" and proceeded to use the master bath. I was shocked and didn't say anything (and dh was out of town so it was less of a big deal, just annoying).
Then when she came back and dh was here she instructed him to stay out of the master bedroom because she needed to use the bathroom. My dh just stared at her. I told her to just use the boys bathroom. She was appalled, but did it. She let me know she was not pleased.
So I scrubbed down the bathroom in the (finished) basement for her. She used it and told me it was too cold (it was 85 degrees outside, possible a little cooler in the basement, but puh lease!).
So now she is coming for another visit and I'm pissed. I don't want her in my bathroom. I don't even want her in my bedroom. I consider that an intimate space and dont' want to share it with her. and my dh thinks it's weird that she insists it's the only space she can use.
And oddly enough, the master is the smallest of the bathrooms. The house was built 20 years ago and that was before the era of spa like bathrooms. It's tiny, has a toilet and a bathtub and my stuff all over the tiny counter....and frankly it's less clean than the boys bathroom (which I keep really clean for guests).
argh!!!
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#2 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 01:46 PM
 
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Oh, hell no! I would feel the same way. My son also shares a bathroom with guests, and it also stays cleaner than the master. I guess because I know guests will be using it. Are you comfortable with setting boundaries with her and letting her know your bathroom is off limits?
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#3 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 01:48 PM
 
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I don't think *you're* the one who's off their rocker.
I don't like people going through my bedroom to use the master bath. All company uses the kids' bathroom (unless there's a line) and while we (try to) clean it before they come, it sounds as if your kids' bathroom is much cleaner. I'd give her the choice between the kids' bathroom and the downstairs bathroom. (Is this a relative of yours or DH's? If it's DH's, I might make him tell her.)

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#4 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 01:49 PM
 
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I'm a firm believer that a master bathroom is for those who sleep in the master bedroom. It is IN the room and unless you are the type to give up your bedroom to guests, it is YOURS.

Now, I'd have no issue letting people use it if we had a bunch of guests because sometimes multiple people need to go, but there is no reason why your husband needs to be KICKED OUT of HIS bathroom for her when a clean and usable bathroom is available.

besides, if she has to go in the middle of the night... would she just walk right in? thats kind of creepy...
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#5 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 01:50 PM
 
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I would make a hotel reservation for her.

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#6 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 01:50 PM
 
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Also, at this:
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Originally Posted by Softmama View Post
Then when she came back and dh was here she instructed him to stay out of the master bedroom because she needed to use the bathroom.

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#7 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 01:52 PM
 
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No, she's being kind of strange. I might think she was worried about being interrupted by one of your kids (perhaps she has a complicated bathroom routine, iykwim) except that the downstairs bath is also not good enough.

Is she elderly? Family? A friend? That might make a difference in how I handled it.

Could you move your boys' toothbrushes downstairs for the duration, so she has private space?

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#8 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 01:52 PM
 
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I cannot imagine insisting on using someone's master bathroom. When we go to my FIL's house they sometimes offer to let us use their bathroom but I always decline, it feels weird, it is in their bedroom. My son uses it because it has a giant tub for big baths but he is 3.

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#9 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 02:02 PM
 
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That is really weird. The guest, not you.

When we have overnight guests we have to let them use our bathroom because at some point in the history of our house someone decided it would be better to split the main floor family bathroom into a powder room and a teeny ensuite with a shower stall. We have another bathroom in the basement but it has a claw foot tub and no shower. So if guest want to shower they need to do it in our room.

Of course we make this possible for them, but I really don't like having people walk through my bedroom even if it is just on the way to the shower. I always make sure there isn't anything embarassing lying around!

Bathroom renos are definitely in the future once the budget allows. We will be taking down the dividing wall and making one good sized family bath.

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#10 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 02:05 PM
 
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Agree that it's weird. The only place I've ever regularly used someone's master bath is at my aunts, cause it's huge with a jacuzzi and she always offers it to people for fun (like dd).

Hang a bunch of bras and strew mama cloth or tampons and condoms around when she comes to visit, for fun, to make it more awkward . It's not okay to close her hosts out of their own bedroom much less their bathroom.

With the problems, I'd offer your usual arrangement or (if possible, depending on your house set-up) a space in the basement near the other full bath. Or offer to find a hotel. If the boys would want to stay in the basement, that could work out too (just for the sake of avoiding annoyingness). But you've been more than gracious and helpful, imo, while she's been somewhat rude. Do what you want, it's okay to insist on things in your home.
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#11 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 02:27 PM
 
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Your guest is in need of a boundary check!! The host sets the rules, and the guest says "OK," or checks into a hotel.

If you do need to invite her back to your home, lock your bedroom door. Seriously. Hide all of the hairpins in the house, except the one that you keep in your pocket.
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#12 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 02:29 PM
 
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Originally Posted by rainbowmoon View Post
I would make a hotel reservation for her.
Me, too. Guests should not be divas.
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#13 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 02:38 PM
 
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I'm going to be the lone dissenter here.

Maybe because I live in a small house with one bathroom, but I don't get the problem. So she's an odd cookie and wants to use your bathroom? Geez...let her. In fact it would probably be easier for all involved if you just gave her your bedroom for the duration of her stay. This is what we do in our small house when we have guests. We then have to sleep in the kid's room...but heck, you have an extra bedroom you can stay in.

The house where my mom grew up had one shared bathroom...among 8 kids and two adults, so I guess I was trained by her to count my blessings.
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#14 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 02:40 PM
 
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WTF? I would tell her she could pee in the yard. But then I don't generally remain friends with people who have weird princess hang-ups. Oh wait, she's family I guess you're stuck with her

She actually told your DH to leave the bedroom so she could use the bathroom? Does she expect you guys to sleep elsewhere, too, so that you won't be in her way if she needs to pee at night?

You are not the one being territorial, she is being totally rude. I agree that she should stay in a hotel. Or I might consider putting an airbed for her in the basement next to the third bathroom.

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#15 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 02:55 PM
 
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I'm going to be the lone dissenter here.

Maybe because I live in a small house with one bathroom, but I don't get the problem. So she's an odd cookie and wants to use your bathroom? Geez...let her. In fact it would probably be easier for all involved if you just gave her your bedroom for the duration of her stay. This is what we do in our small house when we have guests. We then have to sleep in the kid's room...but heck, you have an extra bedroom you can stay in.

The house where my mom grew up had one shared bathroom...among 8 kids and two adults, so I guess I was trained by her to count my blessings.
I consider one bathroom totally different from one bathroom that is MINE and two for anyone else to use. Especially considering she tried to kick the OWNER of the bathroom IN HIS bedroom out of it. That is pretty ridiculous if you ask me.

I also don't feel there is any reason to give up your own bedroom if one is available for the guest. I have serious issues with sharing my bed. I also wouldn't want to sleep on someone else's bed. A guest bed is one thing, but THEIR bed? It creeps me out to no end and makes me feel like an intruder rather than a guest.
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#16 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 03:10 PM
 
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I consider one bathroom totally different from one bathroom that is MINE and two for anyone else to use. Especially considering she tried to kick the OWNER of the bathroom IN HIS bedroom out of it. That is pretty ridiculous if you ask me.

I also don't feel there is any reason to give up your own bedroom if one is available for the guest. I have serious issues with sharing my bed. I also wouldn't want to sleep on someone else's bed. A guest bed is one thing, but THEIR bed? It creeps me out to no end and makes me feel like an intruder rather than a guest.
What about places where there is no guest bed?

I guess I see this thread as totally baffling because I have never lived anywhere that had more than one bathroom. A house with three bathrooms simply blows my mind! Why on earth does anyone need three bathrooms?? And then to get territorial about someone using one...when that someone is a guest in your home? Why? If they are that annoying why are they staying at your home in the first place?

I see this is kind of inductive of some of the major entitlement issues that the western world has. I'm not a big believer in ownership I guess. Why "own" a bathroom?

I'm just about this whole issue. I mean, it's just a bathroom...
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#17 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 03:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl View Post
What about places where there is no guest bed?

I guess I see this thread as totally baffling because I have never lived anywhere that had more than one bathroom. A house with three bathrooms simply blows my mind! Why on earth does anyone need three bathrooms?? And then to get territorial about someone using one...when that someone is a guest in your home? Why? If they are that annoying why are they staying at your home in the first place?

I see this is kind of inductive of some of the major entitlement issues that the western world has. I'm not a big believer in ownership I guess. Why "own" a bathroom?

I'm just about this whole issue. I mean, it's just a bathroom...
I see it more as a personal space issue than an ownership one. Sure, it's just a bathroom, but the issue is not the actual bathroom, it's that the guest takes it upon herself to invade the personal space of the OP and her husband.
At least, that's what I get from it, and why I would also have a problem with the behavior.
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#18 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 04:05 PM
 
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I wouldn't share my bathroom in the situation you describe. Sharing a master bathroom is completely different then sharing a bathroom in a common hallway/area. If there were 2 bathrooms in the hallway, I would say you should share either, but I wouldn't want someone walking through my bedroom to use my bathroom unless other bathrooms were in use.

Lock your bedroom door? Warn her your husband likes to enter your bathroom naked without warning to surprise you?

I'm also curious if she is using your bathroom every time she has to pee or does she just want it once a day because the shower is nicer or something? Her reasons might change my decision or give me an idea how to make her more comfortable in the other bathrooms. (Is she truly uncomfortable sharing the other bathrooms or just being weirdly territorial herself?)

My master bath doesn't have a door (only the little toilet area does), so I doubt a guest would feel comfortable using my clear glass shower knowing anyone could walk in -my bedroom door also doesn't lock right now.

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#19 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 04:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl View Post
What about places where there is no guest bed?

I guess I see this thread as totally baffling because I have never lived anywhere that had more than one bathroom. A house with three bathrooms simply blows my mind! Why on earth does anyone need three bathrooms?? And then to get territorial about someone using one...when that someone is a guest in your home? Why? If they are that annoying why are they staying at your home in the first place?

I see this is kind of inductive of some of the major entitlement issues that the western world has. I'm not a big believer in ownership I guess. Why "own" a bathroom?

I'm just about this whole issue. I mean, it's just a bathroom...
I honestly assume any place I am going that I haven't been to before WON'T have a guest bed and plan on a couch or air mattress in the living room or floor arrangement for sleep. I feel much more comfortable that way because it is THEIR house and bumping them out of their routine comfort just seems wrong, especially when I was the one who chose to stay there... I don't have to just like they don't even have to have me. I'm appreciative of some space at all to sleep.

I also see this as an entitlement issue... only problem is the hosue guest is being WAY too entitled. Kicking someone out of their own bathroom when there are other options is thoroughly ridiculous. everyone has the right to personal space and OP is fortunate enough to not only have her own bathroom and a bathroom just for her kids, but also a THIRD bathroom someone is more than welcome to use. This house guest has no right to barge in taking over whatever she wants when she was given plenty of options for space and use. She has her own room and can even use the very well cleaned bathroom right there or just go downstairs for one. When my mom was growing up, the only bathroom was on the main floor and everyone was upstairs. If we want to talk entitlement, than we should also talk about how the guest was lucky enough to even have a bathroom on the same floor she is sleeping on.
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#20 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 05:19 PM
 
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So, the master bathroom is in your bedroom? I couldn't imagine using it instead of the other one. Going through other people's bedrooms to the bathroom makes me feel weird. I had a friend who lived in a house where the only bathroom access was through the bedroom and it was uncomfortable to have to go through someone's bedroom to potty.

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#21 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 05:57 PM
 
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When my mother comes to visit I move the kid's things into our master bath and "give" the hall bath to my mom though she never requested it.

I suggest you move your childrens' toothbrushes/towels to the downstairs bath and ask them to use your toilet or the downstairs toilet whenever they can.

My MIL was always really welcoming to use their bathroom when we visited but it was also in their room (really common in all the new construction here) and I never wanted to use it.

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#22 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 07:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Emmeline II View Post
When my mother comes to visit I move the kid's things into our master bath and "give" the hall bath to my mom though she never requested it.
We do that too. I clear all the bath toys out of the hallway bathroom and put the kids' towels and toothbrushes in the master bath so that visitors have their "own" bathroom during their visit.

I do think it was rude of the OP's guest to demand it the way she did though -- I can't imagine saying something like that as a guest in someone's home.

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#23 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 07:08 PM
 
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When my mother comes to visit I move the kid's things into our master bath and "give" the hall bath to my mom though she never requested it.
That is exactly what I was going to suggest!

I would much rather have my children share my bathroom than a less intimate family member/friend. It's just a personal space issue.

I can not fathom someone informing me that they were going to be using my bathroom. Holy Boundary Breaker, Batman!

Why is this dear soul coming to stay with you again??

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#24 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 07:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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phew...you guys are making me feel much better about myself.


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Originally Posted by VillageMom6 View Post
T
Why is this dear soul coming to stay with you again??
Because she is my mother
and so the plot thickens, lol


I HATE having her visit. but it's important for the kids to have a relationship with her. and we live several states apart (no accident there) so they see her only when she visits us or (how i prefer it) when we visit her (and we stay elsewhere).

I guess I see her need to use MY space and take over any privacy I have as yet another one of her manipulations to gain control of my life again.

But even if she wans't my mother, and I didn't have all these mother issues, I STILL think it would be weird to demand that while a guest in someones home. Just glad to know there are other out there who agree
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#25 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 07:38 PM
 
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I guess I see her need to use MY space and take over any privacy I have as yet another one of her manipulations to gain control of my life again.
All the better reason to move your kids' stuff to your bathroom during her visits, so that when she says she won't share the bathroom with the kids you can say, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, you'll be so glad! You get the hallway bathroom all to yourself this visit!" She'd sound like a loon if she then pressed to share your bathroom with you AND the kids!

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#26 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 09:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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All the better reason to move your kids' stuff to your bathroom during her visits, so that when she says she won't share the bathroom with the kids you can say, "Oh, I forgot to tell you, you'll be so glad! You get the hallway bathroom all to yourself this visit!" She'd sound like a loon if she then pressed to share your bathroom with you AND the kids!
you're right. It's freakin brilliant
The boys bathroom is much larger and therefore easier to "do" bedtime in there (I'm still in there supervising showers/shampooing and tooth brushing). It's hard to squeeze two people into my little bathroom at the same time. But for the duration of her visit, it will be soooo worth it!
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#27 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 09:15 PM
 
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no way would that fly in our house!!!! the nerve!

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#28 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 09:23 PM
 
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Maybe you should suggest a couple of hotels she can choose from?

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#29 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 09:37 PM
 
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I'm with you OP. We have 3 bathrooms, technically 2.5 and nobody uses my master bath except DH and me and maybe our kids once in while. I don't like people in my master bath, period.

In our case, you have to walk not only through our bedroom, but also a sort of 'dressing area/closet' to get to our bathroom. It's just way too deep into "my territory" for anyone who isn't immediate family.

And I don't know about anyone else, but my bedroom often ends up as the 'catch-all' and it's usually low priority for cleaning when I'm getting the rest of the house ready for guests. So not only is it private area, it's usually embarrassingly messy compared to the rest of the house That being said, if we do have overnight guests using the other full bathroom, we often bathe our kids in our master bath.

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#30 of 40 Old 07-23-2010, 09:43 PM
 
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OP, I think in your case, I'd just keep the master bedroom locked during the day while she's visiting as well.

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