Why do friends do that, or just a pity party for me - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-02-2010, 12:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OK, I had a miscarriage 2 1/2 months ago. I have a few friends online who I've talked to about it. Last week, all of them asked around the same time how I was doing in emails, so I poured my heart out & was honest about how I was doing (which was not real good). I was hoping to get some encouraging words or thoughts, but never got a response at all, from any of them.

So, this doesn't help me much. I've always had an extremely hard time sharing my feelings, I still have a hard time opening up, even to DH. I know people get busy, and have a life of their own, but still, if you ask how someone's doing, you should expect a response, and then maybe answer back. Or maybe I'm the messed up one, and I should reply with just a "fine" or "I'm good" or something?

I don't have anyone to talk to IRL about this, so I guess I rely on my online friends too much. Maybe they are just sick of listening to me talk about it, I don't know. But it still hurts.

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Old 08-02-2010, 12:55 PM
 
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I'm so sorry.

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Old 08-02-2010, 01:10 PM
 
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That happens to me too (friends not responding) and it hurts. I can only imagine how much my feelings would be hurt if it was about a miscarriage. I'm really sorry for your loss and your friends non-response.

I am really sensitive so I think things that bother me might not bother the average person. I have been trying to make peace with this for a while. I too know people have busy lives but it only takes a second to let someone know you're thinking about them and you care. I do think sometimes people just don't know what to say though so they say nothing.

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Old 08-02-2010, 01:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm so sorry.
Thank you, I appreciate that. I really do.

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That happens to me too (friends not responding) and it hurts. I can only imagine how much my feelings would be hurt if it was about a miscarriage. I'm really sorry for your loss and your friends non-response.

I am really sensitive so I think things that bother me might not bother the average person. I have been trying to make peace with this for a while. I too know people have busy lives but it only takes a second to let someone know you're thinking about them and you care. I do think sometimes people just don't know what to say though so they say nothing.
Thank you too. I'm super sensitive also, and not very self-confident. But saying nothing when you don't know what to say is like 1,000 times worse for me. And when I know they've been online makes it worse, like they're brushing me off. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, and need to keep it to myself or something.

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Old 08-02-2010, 01:33 PM
 
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I'm so sorry.

Having BTDT more times than I care to remember, often friends don't know what to say so instead they withdraw and say nothing. Kinda sucks.

Feel free to discuss your feelings on here as much as you need. Often the only ones who will understand are the ones who have been in your shoes. Depending on your circumstances you may want to check out the pregnancy loss and/or infertility forum for those who know exactly where you are right now.

2.5 months isn't that long ago and I think it is only natural that you are still grieving. Please know that in time it does get easier. Also, a little warning, it can get much worse around your due date. Just be prepared, ok?

(((giant hugs)))
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Old 08-02-2010, 01:42 PM
 
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I'm sorry. I've poured my heart out and gotten nothing or "not much" before too.

One possibility is that they care and fully intend to reply, but defer it. "Wow, she feels bad, I need to send her something heartfelt, and I have some ideas. But right now I gotta get the baby to bed/I'm just not feeling mentally sharp/I need to look something up/whatever." And life intervenes and they don't get to it.

Or, a similar possibility, that they just want to say exactly the right thing and worry too much to actually send it.

Or, they care but don't know what to say. I'm guilty of that one. When my SIL miscarried, I didn't even send a card. I had NO IDEA how to react. Some people MISTAKENLY think it might be rude or disturbing to even mention it. I am older and wiser now and have figured out the obvious: if a person shares the news with you, they don't want to keep it a secret and they want to talk about it. (This idea finally came to light in my head when I found out SIL had a tattoo to memorialize her daughter... if it's printed on her skin forever, I realized, she doesn't want to "just forget about it.") I promise you I'm generally a caring person even if I'm made some huge mistakes, and my lack of caring response to my SIL was all about me being stupid and not about me not caring.

But I have learned not to expect much from people. I do depend (too much probably) on MDC to share my emotions, because there is a self-selection going on. The people who don't understand or care about my feelings will not reply. Fine - I won't even know about it, really. But there is almost always someone on here who can relate, or is at least kind enough to reply.

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Old 08-02-2010, 01:42 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think miscarriage is a very misunderstood thing in our culture. We have culturally been given the idea that it's no big deal. Women are expected to move on a get over it with no difficulty. But that is not true at all.

I bet you really surprised your friends when you let them know that you honestly were not doing so well. I'm sure that they did not reply because they had no clue what to say and forgot that even a cyber hug is a good place to start.

Maybe you could send another email to your friends and say something like, "I could really use a hug now that you know what's going on. Just knowing you are thinking of me helps a lot."

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Old 08-02-2010, 01:49 PM
 
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I'm so sorry.


BTDT, when I lost my baby. People just don't know what to say, so they either say something stupid or nothing at all. They also tend to expect you to just get over it and pretend it never happened. Too often the old, how are you doing, are just words they really don't want to know.

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Old 08-02-2010, 01:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by ChristyMarie View Post
I'm so sorry.

Having BTDT more times than I care to remember, often friends don't know what to say so instead they withdraw and say nothing. Kinda sucks.

Feel free to discuss your feelings on here as much as you need. Often the only ones who will understand are the ones who have been in your shoes. Depending on your circumstances you may want to check out the pregnancy loss and/or infertility forum for those who know exactly where you are right now.

2.5 months isn't that long ago and I think it is only natural that you are still grieving. Please know that in time it does get easier. Also, a little warning, it can get much worse around your due date. Just be prepared, ok?

(((giant hugs)))
Thank you so much.

I've been to the other forums here, and the ladies there are wonderful. I was due in December, and it's going to be a very trying month to get through.

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I'm sorry. I've poured my heart out and gotten nothing or "not much" before too.

One possibility is that they care and fully intend to reply, but defer it. "Wow, she feels bad, I need to send her something heartfelt, and I have some ideas. But right now I gotta get the baby to bed/I'm just not feeling mentally sharp/I need to look something up/whatever." And life intervenes and they don't get to it.

Or, a similar possibility, that they just want to say exactly the right thing and worry too much to actually send it.

Or, they care but don't know what to say. I'm guilty of that one. When my SIL miscarried, I didn't even send a card. I had NO IDEA how to react. Some people MISTAKENLY think it might be rude or disturbing to even mention it. I am older and wiser now and have figured out the obvious: if a person shares the news with you, they don't want to keep it a secret and they want to talk about it. (This idea finally came to light in my head when I found out SIL had a tattoo to memorialize her daughter... if it's printed on her skin forever, I realized, she doesn't want to "just forget about it.") I promise you I'm generally a caring person even if I'm made some huge mistakes, and my lack of caring response to my SIL was all about me being stupid and not about me not caring.

But I have learned not to expect much from people. I do depend (too much probably) on MDC to share my emotions, because there is a self-selection going on. The people who don't understand or care about my feelings will not reply. Fine - I won't even know about it, really. But there is almost always someone on here who can relate, or is at least kind enough to reply.
Thank you! I think I have my standards set a bit high, and need to relax them a bit. I can see all those scenarios happening, as they have small kids & busy lives.

MDC has been my main source of support through this, and I appreciate it so, so much.
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I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think miscarriage is a very misunderstood thing in our culture. We have culturally been given the idea that it's no big deal. Women are expected to move on a get over it with no difficulty. But that is not true at all.

I bet you really surprised your friends when you let them know that you honestly were not doing so well. I'm sure that they did not reply because they had no clue what to say and forgot that even a cyber hug is a good place to start.

Maybe you could send another email to your friends and say something like, "I could really use a hug now that you know what's going on. Just knowing you are thinking of me helps a lot."
Thank you! Before it happened to me, I thought it was no big deal either. But now, my life is forever changed, my views on most things is different now.

I don't want to seem too needy or desperate for attention by sending another message, but I also want them to know how I'm really feeling, so I don't know what to do.

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Old 08-02-2010, 02:02 PM
 
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My mother recently did the exact same thing to me. I've just decided to only open up to the ones who pry. That way, I know for sure they aren't just asking to be polite. I don't think they mean to be rude, I think they just don't know what to say.

I'm sorry for your loss.

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Old 08-02-2010, 02:51 PM
 
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Dear Mama Love,

I dont know what to say. I keep coming back to my computer and reading your email you sent a week ago and I keep crying as I read your words, but i dont know what to say. I have been so ingrained by society that i SHOULD be able to jump in and fix things, that when its time for me to just be there i dont know how to do it.

your pain lives with me everyday. and i so want to DO something, but i dont know what. I am not sure what to write you either. what is appropriate to write you.

I feel your pain mama, but i am lost. i dont know how to respond to you.

and once again i erase the message i typed up for the 100th time as it feels so shallow and doesnt express the feelings i have within me.

with lots of hugs and love,
your friend

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Old 08-02-2010, 05:35 PM
 
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I'm sorry. That must be really hard.

I wish we all were able to sit through some type of "helping people through loss" class or seminar in highschool or something! I think so many people just don't know how to respond. Especially if someone "pours out their heart" it feels like anything you say in response is shallow and lame.

Also, I have a friend who did respond to her SIL's sad feelings on her fertility problems and was snapped at by said SIL and BIL about how the response was totally inappropriate and hurtful, on and on and on. And all because one innocently-said line about God being in control. My friend felt attacked and vowed never to reply to something like that again and I can't say I blame her. Danged if you do, danged if you don't.

With that said....I'm truly sorry for your loss and the difficult time you are having.
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Old 08-02-2010, 05:43 PM
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I'm so sorry, mama .

I wish friends knew that even "I don't know what to say" is better than no response at all.

Thinking of you.
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Old 08-02-2010, 06:10 PM
 
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Your post hit pretty close to home for me. A close friend of my just suffered a loss and not having gone through something like that before I just don't know what to say to her, other than "I'm sorry for your loss" and that just seems woefully inadiquite.

Elizabeth wife to Matt , mom to Logan (2/21/01) , and little man Desmond (9/23/08)

Mourning the loss of her father: Robert Edward Dillon 5/31/52 - 01/03/2011

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Old 08-02-2010, 06:12 PM
 
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Dear Mama Love,

I dont know what to say. I keep coming back to my computer and reading your email you sent a week ago and I keep crying as I read your words, but i dont know what to say. I have been so ingrained by society that i SHOULD be able to jump in and fix things, that when its time for me to just be there i dont know how to do it.

your pain lives with me everyday. and i so want to DO something, but i dont know what. I am not sure what to write you either. what is appropriate to write you.

I feel your pain mama, but i am lost. i dont know how to respond to you.

and once again i erase the message i typed up for the 100th time as it feels so shallow and doesnt express the feelings i have within me.

with lots of hugs and love,
your friend

I like this.

Elizabeth wife to Matt , mom to Logan (2/21/01) , and little man Desmond (9/23/08)

Mourning the loss of her father: Robert Edward Dillon 5/31/52 - 01/03/2011

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Old 08-02-2010, 07:20 PM
 
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Your post hit pretty close to home for me. A close friend of my just suffered a loss and not having gone through something like that before I just don't know what to say to her, other than "I'm sorry for your loss" and that just seems woefully inadiquite.
BTDT, OP, and Logan's mommy, "I'm sorry for your loss" is probably the best possible thing you could say. Even if it is inadequate, it is much less inadequate than saying nothing at all.
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Old 08-02-2010, 07:34 PM
 
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Ive gone through the same and it hurts me so bad because I know if a friend were to confide something like that in me I would be trying my hardest to comfort them... so to have someone I thought was my friend totally ignore it really stings

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Old 08-02-2010, 10:01 PM
 
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OK, I had a miscarriage 2 1/2 months ago. I have a few friends online who I've talked to about it. Last week, all of them asked around the same time how I was doing in emails, so I poured my heart out & was honest about how I was doing (which was not real good). I was hoping to get some encouraging words or thoughts, but never got a response at all, from any of them.

So, this doesn't help me much. I've always had an extremely hard time sharing my feelings, I still have a hard time opening up, even to DH. I know people get busy, and have a life of their own, but still, if you ask how someone's doing, you should expect a response, and then maybe answer back. Or maybe I'm the messed up one, and I should reply with just a "fine" or "I'm good" or something?

I don't have anyone to talk to IRL about this, so I guess I rely on my online friends too much. Maybe they are just sick of listening to me talk about it, I don't know. But it still hurts.
So sorry...sometimes people don't know what to say so they say nothing at all.

Miscarriages are never easy and I'm sorry you just had one. Since I cannot think of anything else to say...I'll just send you a big ole HUG.
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Old 08-03-2010, 09:38 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ive gone through the same and it hurts me so bad because I know if a friend were to confide something like that in me I would be trying my hardest to comfort them... so to have someone I thought was my friend totally ignore it really stings
This really sums it up for me.

I had a crappy night at work last night, and can't wait for Friday. My boys will be coming back for their weekend from their dad's. Something to look forward to, anyway.

Thank you all for replying. It does matter to me. I really appreciate it.

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