Thank you cards- how much do they matter to you - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: Thank you cards- how do you feel?
Yes, thank you cards are essential! 67 39.41%
I could go either way 14 8.24%
Thank you cards are not necessary- save a tree and thank me in person/some other way 84 49.41%
Other (explain) 5 2.94%
Voters: 170. You may not vote on this poll

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#1 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 06:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok so for the backstory: DH and I got married back in September. We planned and financed the entire wedding ourselves, with help from our very close friends and family. We have an 18mo DS and are building a small cabin for ourselves, so money/time/sanity are very, very tight right now!

For wedding favors I handpicked blackberries and made jars of jam for each of our 60 guests to take home with them, with a little tag that said "Thanks for Jammin' With Us!" For the close family and friends that helped us out tremendously, I made gift bags with a note, jam and a loaf of homemade bread (so I made like 20 of these).

Well, my grandmother called and said that my aunt was very upset that she has not seen a thank you card in her mail box from us and couldn't believe how rude I am. To tell you the truth, I completely forgot to send thank you cards to everyone who came and I really think I thanked everyone before they left and with the jam.

I don't ever 'look' for thank you cards after events, am I alone?

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#2 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 06:25 PM
 
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IMO, the jam (such an awesome idea!) was the wedding favor, and doesn't take the place of a proper, personalized thank you note. "Thanks for jammin' with us" is a sweet sentiment for a favor, but a real thank you note is addressed to an individual (or family) and specifically thanks them for their presence and their gift.

That said, I think that your aunt passing along her irritation about the situation is just as rude as not writing a note in the first place. It doesn't really bug me not to receive a thank you note, but I do always make sure to write them.

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#3 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 06:28 PM
 
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A wedding favor is not a hand written thank you for my thoughtfully chosen gift. I realize this is getting to be a generational thing but I'm 44 and most of my friends still write them.
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#4 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 06:32 PM
 
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its not cheap to send mail any more. I would e-mail and nice thank you to everyone that does e-mail and for the older folks.... a post card type thank you would be the least expensive.
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#5 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 06:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by philomom View Post
I realize this is getting to be a generational thing but I'm 44 and most of my friends still write them.
That was what I was wondering! We have a large circle of late 20's to late 30's (mostly) crunchy friends, so it feels like we are constantly going to baby showers, birthdays, weddings, etc... and we've never gotten/sent thank you cards, and no one has ever said anything about it

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#6 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 06:47 PM
 
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For me, you can just save the tree. I don't expect thank you's beyond what you give at the wedding. Writing out a personalized thank you card is fine if you only have a couple of people to send them to, but when there are a whole bunch of people it just because a tedious, time consuming task that I assume the person who got married doesn't have time for.

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#7 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 06:51 PM
 
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i actually prefer to not get a card.

an email, a phone call or a text... but a paper card? seems like a waste.

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#8 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 07:05 PM
 
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my sister and i were just talking about this and we think it is ridiculous to HAVE to send a card to someone who was already thanked in person or shown appreciation in some way. i would prefer to call someone to say thank you than to mail a small generic card that is going to get thrown in the garbage.

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#9 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 07:19 PM
 
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I think thank-you cards in that situation are necessary, and I'd be insulted if I never received a thank-you card for a wedding gift. I mean, I wouldn't be sitting around waiting for it, anxiously checking the mail daily. But if it happened to occur to me that the person hadn't sent one, I'd probably think to myself, "How rude!" And move on.

Also, I'd never dream of not sending thank-you cards out after a wedding. In my experience it's just what's "done," and I wouldn't dream of not doing it!

I'm 36, if that matters.

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#10 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 07:25 PM
 
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I think they are wasteful, but I send them because I think it's the appropriate thing to do, especially for a wedding or shower.

That said, I thought etiquette "rules" state you have three months to send them out.
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#11 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 07:47 PM
 
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I don't care about thank you cards at all. I also think they're particularly pointless if you've thanked the person already (in person, over the phone, etc.).

I do get that they're expected after weddings, and am mortified that dh and I never got ours sent out (comedy of errors, involving missing addresses- most guests were invited by phone, misplaced list of who gave us what, pregnancy fatigue and a move). But, I don't care at all if I get them or not.

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#12 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 07:52 PM
 
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I love thank you cards. I love sending them and I love recieving them.

Honestly, I just came across a thank you note that I received a few months ago that had been tucked into some pile of papers and reading it for a second time warmed my heart all over again. To me it is a really nice gesture to let those who love you know that their gift is appreciated.

I've been known to send second thank you notes several months (or years) later to let the giver know that their gift is still blessing me.

I guess it doesn't have to be pen-paper-USPS, but I feel like some sort of specific, personalized thank you is due after gift giving occassions.

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#13 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 07:52 PM
 
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While I personally think it is silly to write someone to thank them for a gift I thanked them for in person, I do it for my mom. She is the kind of mom who wants her girls to write thank you notes, so we do. Sounds like Grandma is getting the grief about your thank you notes, so I would write them for her sake.
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#14 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 07:57 PM
 
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I rarely receive thank you notes from anyone. I do insist that my children send personalized thank you notes after birthdays and Christmas (or for other occasions when a gift is received). I think if someone took the time to pick up a gift for you the least you can do is send a note letting them know how you feel about it. If sending a note is too much trouble than a quick phone call would be nice too.

It is disappointing to not receive a thank you in some form after a wedding. While your wedding favors were cute they don't recognize the individual's specific gift to you.

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#15 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 07:58 PM
 
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I'm sick of writing thank you notes. Especially for gifts that I've already said thank you to the giver in-person. And usually I will call or email if a gift has come through the mail. However, I think some of the older generation feel that it's rude not to. How about thank you postcard...those are less expensive to send and you don't have to write much on them!
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#16 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 07:58 PM
 
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I also wanted to add...

I feel like (for me) thanking someone at the moment you receive the gift and sending a thank you note are two separate things. The first is a "thank you for handing me a gift" and the second is more of a "thank you for the thought you put into this gift. We love [insert specific something about it/ your life/etc]"

Not always, but many times, in my experience. Especially in a party or group setting. It takes me a while to really appreciate some gifts in a way that I wouldn't right away when I thank them in person.

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#17 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 08:11 PM
 
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I love the idea of sending cards for any occasion, but I also am lazy

Thank You's are great but honestly? I think outdated. When I get thank you I go "oh, cute" and normally it ends up getting chucked which I hate. I'd much much rather get/give a heartfelt email, or some sort of baked "thank you" good!

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#18 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 08:15 PM
 
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I can't honestly remember the last time I sent a 'thank you' note to anyone, let alone received one. I'm sitting here trying to think, and I really don't know. I think they're (in general at least) an utterly huge waste of both paper/trees and money!!
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#19 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 08:26 PM
 
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I remember as a small child thinking that thank you notes were a really dumb idea and still do.

I was about 8 or 9 when a friend sent one for a present that I got her for her birthday. Of course her mom made her and she thought it was a weird thing to do too. Even at that age I told my mom that I thought there were much better things to kill trees for.

I also think birthday cards, and all other cards just for the sake of giving them is really dumb. I can call my parents and grandparents on their birthday, but they are offended if I don't also send them a card. Kill a tree appease a family member. I don't send them, so most of my family is ussaly mad at me most of the year.

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#20 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 08:27 PM
 
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I have to say that I really appreciate thank you cards. If my dh and I go to a wedding out of town, take two days off of work to get there, pay for a hotel, meals, give an envelope with $$$ in it ....I think that acknowledging with a card and a 57cent stamp is not really alot to ask.....and it confirms that the people really received the $$$ we gave.
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#21 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 09:04 PM
 
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The "older" guests (like me, age 40) are definitely expecting them.

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#22 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 09:14 PM
 
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They gave you a gift, you send them a thank you. It is the nice thing to do.

But, also, at a wedding or other event the thank you card is proof you received the gift. Gifts can get lost among the chaos of the evening.
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#23 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 09:19 PM
 
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Originally Posted by philomom View Post
A wedding favor is not a hand written thank you for my thoughtfully chosen gift.

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#24 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 09:37 PM
 
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It doesn't have to be a card, but I do want some acknowledgment that I gave someone a gift, if only to know they did receive it. I've mailed baby gifts to several people lately who haven't even taken the time to email a quick, "I got it! Thanks!" They have, however, had time to update their Facebook status several times a day, so...

For weddings and showers, I do think cards are the best way to go.
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#25 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 09:47 PM
 
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i never gave or received a thank you card until I was 25 ish? I just hadn't seen them before!

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#26 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 10:28 PM
 
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The card itself, not so much.

But when someone takes the time and makes the effort to let me know they appreciate what I put time, thought, effort (and maybe money) into for them, that tells me a lot about the state of our relationship. It also feels good to know that what I gave was something they appreciated.

And in the reverse, people have always responded very positively to the simplest of thank you notes. After my first baby shower, I made super simple cards out of cardstock (gleaned from a printing company) and colored printer paper (cut the printer paper into hearts. Glued them onto cardstock. Added antenae. Voila! Butterflies ). A few cents for me, a few minutes of my time, using up paper that had already been produced. People were so enthralled with them that I got several phone calls to thank me for the thank you notes.

I think if you have relationships with people from older generations, and you value those relationships, it is wise, kind, and loving to send them a little note of thanks.

Other relationships (with people who have grown up in the digital age and conduct much of their relational business by texting and facebook) might just require a simple phone call or email to say "Thanks so much! I really appreciated that you came, and thank you for giving us [insert gift]. It meant so much to me that you were there!"
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#27 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 10:47 PM
 
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The card itself, not so much.

But when someone takes the time and makes the effort to let me know they appreciate what I put time, thought, effort (and maybe money) into for them, that tells me a lot about the state of our relationship. It also feels good to know that what I gave was something they appreciated.

And in the reverse, people have always responded very positively to the simplest of thank you notes. After my first baby shower, I made super simple cards out of cardstock (gleaned from a printing company) and colored printer paper (cut the printer paper into hearts. Glued them onto cardstock. Added antenae. Voila! Butterflies ). A few cents for me, a few minutes of my time, using up paper that had already been produced. People were so enthralled with them that I got several phone calls to thank me for the thank you notes.

I think if you have relationships with people from older generations, and you value those relationships, it is wise, kind, and loving to send them a little note of thanks.

Other relationships (with people who have grown up in the digital age and conduct much of their relational business by texting and facebook) might just require a simple phone call or email to say "Thanks so much! I really appreciated that you came, and thank you for giving us [insert gift]. It meant so much to me that you were there!"
I agree 100%. I won't hold it against you or call you rude, but I really really appreciate them. I guess it's the way I was raised? It doesn't take very much time to send someone a note, and "real" mail seems more special to me. But I like to know that my effort was appreciated, in some way shape or form.

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#28 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 10:47 PM
 
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i never sent out thankyou cards after my baby shower. i feel bad about it, but i didn't get most of my gifts until after the baby was born (she arrived early) and it just never happened.

i do think they are kind of dumb though. i give gifts to people because i like them, and i know that if i did a good job picking a gift, it is getting used. i REALLY don't need a piece of paper telling me how awesome i am for sending them something. if they are good friends, the gratitude is returned in other ways... a phone call, a gift on another occasion, treating us when we get together. if they aren't good friends, then a piece of paper isn't going to make the relationship better, and why waste energy thinking about it?
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#29 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 10:50 PM
 
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I think it's sad that so many aren't sending thank you cards anymore. I'm 32, so not that old. At LEAST a thoughtful email is needed. I've sent thank you cards for every shower that's been held for us and every gift that's been mailed. It doesn't take much time. I even got thank you's for the thoughtful thank you card. If I get a birthday card in the mail, then I always follow up with a phone call or email with thanks.

I spent a lot of money for a friend's wedding gift last December and never got a thank you. I think it's rude. I'd at least like to know if she liked it. What kills me is that every kid party we've been to recently (nieces and nephews) the bday kid doesn't open the presents at the party, which is fine, but then I'd like a thank you note or at least a phone call from the parent or kid if old enough, letting us know they liked it or appreciated it. I hate not knowing if the gift got lost and never opened. We put a lot of thought into gifts, so it makes me not want to do that anymore. It seems easier and maybe just as appreciated to just buy a random toy at the store, rather than make something and include all kinds of things that were bought that match the theme, etc.

In the OP it sounds like people were expecting a thank you card for just coming to the wedding? That's what the favors are for. But a personalized thank you note should be sent to everyone that gave a gift. Technically you have quite a few months to get them out so just do it now. It's not too late!

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#30 of 92 Old 10-27-2010, 10:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by GreenGranolaMama View Post
Ok so for the backstory: DH and I got married back in September. We planned and financed the entire wedding ourselves, with help from our very close friends and family. We have an 18mo DS and are building a small cabin for ourselves, so money/time/sanity are very, very tight right now!

For wedding favors I handpicked blackberries and made jars of jam for each of our 60 guests to take home with them, with a little tag that said "Thanks for Jammin' With Us!" For the close family and friends that helped us out tremendously, I made gift bags with a note, jam and a loaf of homemade bread (so I made like 20 of these).

Well, my grandmother called and said that my aunt was very upset that she has not seen a thank you card in her mail box from us and couldn't believe how rude I am. To tell you the truth, I completely forgot to send thank you cards to everyone who came and I really think I thanked everyone before they left and with the jam.

I don't ever 'look' for thank you cards after events, am I alone?
Okay, there is something really strange about this.

First of all, I think it is really idiotic that your Aunt would say that to her mother and that your G-ma would tell you like that. I find it further ridiculous because Brides generally have up to one year to send out thank you notes and you just got married in September. Your Aunt is being quite rude for gossiping about you like that.
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