Does your family acknowledge the birth of the first baby only? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 01:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, so I am a little disappointed that no one is acknowledging baby number three. I know, it is selfish. I don't want anything huge, maybe 5-6 people, maybe a diaper party, or tea or dessert or something. Just something to say that they acknowledge the baby to be.

 

 

But I won't get one. My mom believes that a person gets one shower for the first baby only, for any babies after that....there is NO acknowledgement at all, aside from family coming to visit hours after the birth, expecting food and coffee and tours of the house etc....... No friends are planning anything.

 

BUT.....I would get more than one shower if......the babies had different fathers or if I had got divorced and remarried, or if the babies were 10 years apart.

 

Does your family have any crazy shower rules? I would love to hear them.

 

 

ETA: I changed the thread title.....I guess what I am referring to is not really a shower (ie. gifts) I am just referring to ANY type of acknowlegement of second, third etc babies....like a lunch, tea, etc. Not neccessarily gifts...just a get together or some kind of *oh you are having baby*acknowledgement.

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#2 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 01:16 PM
 
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We don't do showers at all in my family. We buy our own baby stuff, the minimum before the birth, the rest after. I am rather ridiculously superstitious about buying things for a baby or celebrating the baby before it is actually born.

 

After the baby is actually born, we have a Christening party, and that is when people get to meet her and acknowledge her. You can celebrate a baby without calling it a shower or having it be all about gifts.

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#3 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 01:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am not thinking that it has to be all about gifts...please read below.......
 

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Originally Posted by momtoS View Post

 or tea or dessert or something. Just something to say that they acknowledge the baby to be.

 

 

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#4 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 01:37 PM
 
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We don't have any hard and fast rules about showers in my family, but women generally only have a shower for their first baby. Sometimes with subsequent babies there'll be a celebratory lunch or something, but not always.

 

In my circle of friends, I always make a point to organize a lunch or tea or something, usually with no (or minimal) gifts, because I think every baby should be celebrated and welcomed, whether the parents need a bunch of baby gear or not. 

 

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#5 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 01:39 PM
 
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But, the point of a shower is gifts. Isn't that where the name comes from?

It has always been my understanding that first babies get showers---possibly later children if they come much later and the parents do not have baby things around to pass down anymore. I know some people have Mother Blessings or the like with each pregnancy, but I can only think of a couple of women I know IRL who had showers for anything but their first pregnancies.


eta: I'm sorry you are disappointed. Do you have a close friend you can ask to put together something for you? Or maybe you can ask your partner to organize a little catered lunch.

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#6 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 01:48 PM
 
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I had a big shower for #1 (DS).

 

For my baby #2 (different sex than baby #1 and 5 years apart) my mom had my 2 aunts, 2 grandmas, and 2 closest friends over (and my sister)  - so 9 people total, and we had a small lunch/brunch type thing with small gifts (like one outfit or a receiving blanket).  Everyone was really excited because it was the first girl born in the family in 30 years.

 

My sister had a big shower for her first.  She had a big shower for her second (different father and 15 years apart). My mom also had a shower for her for her third.  #3 was a girl and was only 22 months after #2.  It was WAY bigger than my luncheon, but smaller than the other showers.  But my sister and my mom are really close and there are a lot of issues there.

 

I am all for having something small for subsequent babies after #1 or even a bigger shower if it is a long time span between them or with different marriages/fathers.

 

With my group of girlfriends, we always get together when one of us is preggo and do a small "shower" type thing.  It's not about the gifts, like what you are saying.  It's about saying that we are excited about the baby.

 

One thing that I am tending to notice in my neck of the woods is that (first) baby showers are tending to be bigger and bigger and really out of control. 

 

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#7 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 02:01 PM
 
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oops, I was expecting a thread on showering and was going to say our only rule is don't flush the toilet when someone is in the shower HAHA

 

Ok, we don't have any baby shower rules. Although I don't expect a shower for each kid.

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#8 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 02:30 PM
 
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there were multiple baby showers during my first pregnancy.  our friends (co-ed), his family (although some of my local family attended), my family and friends from where i used to live, and work.  craziness, right?!  so when i was having another baby, only 18 months later, same gender, etc . . . i really didn't expect anything like that.  however, i understand wanting it to be acknowledged in some way.  i wanted a blessingway and my doula said she wanted to throw it for me, but she never did.  i was really disappointed.  i seriously would have thrown one for myself, except that she said she wanted to do it, and i was too timid or something to ask/remind her about it (back then - now, i would totally ask and/or offer to do it myself).

 

since what you mainly want is to celebrate this pregnancy/baby and not necessarily gifts, you can totally host it yourself.  there is nothing uncool about that.

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#9 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 02:33 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post

oops, I was expecting a thread on showering and was going to say our only rule is don't flush the toilet when someone is in the shower HAHA

 

Ok, we don't have any baby shower rules. Although I don't expect a shower for each kid.



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#10 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 02:41 PM
 
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Honestly I'd be suprised if baby number 2 got a shower! That's just now how it's done where I live (not just my family.) A lady in my church once got a second shower, but that's because she was on baby number 10 and all her stuff was pretty worn out!


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#11 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 03:53 PM
 
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I don't know anyone IRL who had a shower after the 1st baby, the 2nd and 3rd child certainly wasn't recognized by family. I had THREE showers for my first, one by my mom, MIL, and then a work one. A good friend threw me an amazing blessingway for my 3rd, I'm pg with my 4th and she already said she is planning the grand finale of blessingways for me. LOL, good, cause there isn't going to be anyone after this one!


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#12 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 04:07 PM
 
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I guess the rule in my family is the second child gets nothing because that's what I got nothing - for any of my three. And both my parents and my sister are well off. I had the first grandchild and the only boys. Nada
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#13 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 04:17 PM
 
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Only firsts get showers here, although my work didn't know that which was - sweet. smile.gif


~ Mum to Emily, March 12-16 2004, Noah, born Aug 2005, Liam, born January 2011, and wife to Carl since 1994. ~
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#14 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 04:19 PM
 
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We don't generally have showers for anything other than the 1st.  But every baby certainly gets acknowledged.  People come visit, and sometimes bring a little gift.  But the shower, to me, isn't so much about the baby being born, but a woman becoming a mom and a family expanding in a different way for the first time.  Blessingways happen sometimes for subsequent babies, but those are usually very intimate and don't always include gifts of any kind.

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#15 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 04:24 PM
 
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I think it really is the norm that most women only have a shower for their first baby (or in cases like you mentioned: new marriage, huge gap). That said, I do think subsequent babies are absolutely worth celebrating - a party just isn't really necessary. People can still celebrate when they come by to meet the baby and see you, yk? I do know a handful of women that I can think of who have had baby showers for #2 or beyond, but it's a pretty rare occurrence.

Sorry if you feel this baby is a bit left out, but just so you are prepared, IME the more babies you have the less of a big deal people make of it (unless you are the Duggars).

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#16 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 04:34 PM
 
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Well since the OP has rephrased the question, I don't think that baby showers are the primary way to acknowledge a new baby. They can be fun, sometimes but I don't see them as that big of a deal. But then I don't really see wedding showers as a big deal either.
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#17 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 05:13 PM
 
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I kinda know how you feel. I had a big shower with my first, small shower with my second, now with my third I'm not expecting a shower, but it would be nice if people just acknowledged the fact that I'm pregnant. Seriously nobody ever asks me how I'm feeling or anything.

Mother of 3, welcomed a new baby girl July 2011

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#18 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 06:45 PM
 
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A small celebration for your second (or subsequent) babes sounds like it would be perfect.

 

I didn't have anyone throw a baby shower when my twins were born and they will be my only children.  My feelings are still pretty hurt by this.  My mom had showers for each of her three children and I think my sister had one for each of her children and no one seemed to think it was a big deal that they didn't do anything for us. 

 

I hope you have a peaceful resolution to this!


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#19 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 07:10 PM
 
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I had a shower for my first, and for my second, but the two were 13 years apart.  Also, dd1 is DH's "step" daughter (he is Dad though,) so dd2 was also the first grandbaby to be born into his side, though dd1 was their first grandchild. 

 

Anyway, I didn't have a shower for my 3rd, who was born only 22 months after my second.  We did however throw ourselves a little party.  It was a "gender reveal" party.  No gifts expected and we kept it small, family only really (which isn't small in our case, still 20 people) My sister owns a cake shop.  When we had our gender ultrasound, we were to have the US tech keep it secret from us, but call my sister and she would tell my sister.  Sis would then bake a cake with the white cake dyed blue or pink, according to gender, then frost it, everyone (except sis) finds out all at the same time.  Though in our case it backfired, we were unable to determine the gender that ultrasound and the party was already set up.  So, we still had the get together and the cake, it was just half pink and half blue:) 

 

There are however many other bakeries that do this.  I felt like it was a fantastic way to keep excitement about a 3rd, without having a "shower." 

 

 

Now, my SIL, she didn't have a shower with either her first or second, nor any other party, but she didn't want any.   My sister only has one little one and is done (well she has a stepson, obviously no shower there.)

 

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#20 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 08:07 PM
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nak

you know, i think it makes sense to not have a lot of gifts the second time around, cause man we've got so much stuff already! But I agree, I love having a get together to celebrate the very idea of the baby-- luckily my friends did this as no one on either side of the family did anything.  I mean, my ILs whom we live local to maybe asked how I was doing a couple times, that was it.  whatever! So my pals and I did a special brunch for all the moms who had/were having babies over a couple months, all second babies.  it was just nice to affirm that we were going through the challenge and joy of pregnancy and that these babies are important, too! 

 

But I do get bummed out that sooooo many people (especially DH's side of the family) sent cards and gifts for DD and nothing for DS. Hey we don't want gifts, but how about even a phone call to congratulate?  Seriously, several folks never even came by to meet the baby, as they did with DD.  the local folks all came by to meet DD within a month or so, just for a quick chat and to squee at her... this time they seem happy to never see DS!  Seriously, these people are all retired or don't work and live within 20 minutes.  Sad!  But it also kinda sucks that all the gifts last time were insanely girly (despite our preferences for not) and most have DD's name on them.  So yeah we don't nNEED anything but it still makes me sad that DD will have this great memory box with cards and special blankets with her name and birthdate on it and engraved baby cups and all that kind of thing, and nothing of the sort for DS.  Oh well! My poor second child, lol.  Hopefully he won't care but I worry abotu sibling feelings, especially if we have another girl someday, because I know I tended to compare myself more to my sister since we as girls had a lot of the same stuff and maybe this is sexist but I know I cared way more about that sort of baby stuff than my brother ever did :)

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#21 of 41 Old 01-06-2011, 08:09 PM
 
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funny i was feeling the same way the other day. i am on baby 6. not that i want gifts or a party, but it would be nice if someone would say "hey how is that baby doing?" lol i get no questions/comments from anyone, it is like my baby isn't even growing inside me. YET you know they will all want to hold the baby and come over and expect food and what not. i feel a bit like the little red hen... you don't wanna help, then no baby for you. LOL a friend and i were talking and she said i need some ground rules for people coming to visit: (this is all in jest)

1.) if you come only to hold baby you get 5 minutes

2.) if you bring food you can stay 15 minutes

3.) if you do a chore you can stay 30 minutes

4.) if you bring food and do a chore you can stay an hour

 

this cracked me up. but i do so feel for you. i don't want a bunch of gifts or a party, just some sort of acknowledgement that this new wonderful life is coming into the world. it is so exciting for us, but no one else seems to give a hoot. sorta depressing.

 

h


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Quote:
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nak

you know, i think it makes sense to not have a lot of gifts the second time around, cause man we've got so much stuff already! But I agree, I love having a get together to celebrate the very idea of the baby-- luckily my friends did this as no one on either side of the family did anything.  I mean, my ILs whom we live local to maybe asked how I was doing a couple times, that was it.  whatever! So my pals and I did a special brunch for all the moms who had/were having babies over a couple months, all second babies.  it was just nice to affirm that we were going through the challenge and joy of pregnancy and that these babies are important, too! 

 

But I do get bummed out that sooooo many people (especially DH's side of the family) sent cards and gifts for DD and nothing for DS. Hey we don't want gifts, but how about even a phone call to congratulate?  Seriously, several folks never even came by to meet the baby, as they did with DD.  the local folks all came by to meet DD within a month or so, just for a quick chat and to squee at her... this time they seem happy to never see DS!  Seriously, these people are all retired or don't work and live within 20 minutes.  Sad!  But it also kinda sucks that all the gifts last time were insanely girly (despite our preferences for not) and most have DD's name on them.  So yeah we don't nNEED anything but it still makes me sad that DD will have this great memory box with cards and special blankets with her name and birthdate on it and engraved baby cups and all that kind of thing, and nothing of the sort for DS.  Oh well! My poor second child, lol.  Hopefully he won't care but I worry abotu sibling feelings, especially if we have another girl someday, because I know I tended to compare myself more to my sister since we as girls had a lot of the same stuff and maybe this is sexist but I know I cared way more about that sort of baby stuff than my brother ever did :)


Kindof an aside, but your post made me think of this...

 

I used to work at Sears Portrait Studio many years ago.  We had a lady come in with her first born, had very specific poses and things she wanted to do for each pose (we only took six.)  Basically, I stood there and pressed the button, she set it all up.  She did this every month for this first born for the first year.  However, her second was only 18 months younger than her first.  She only made it in every 3 months with the second and while she had ideas, I was allowed to be more "in charge " :-)  And #1 was in half of the shots.  Then, when the second was 1, she got pg with #3.  They got a family shot, a shot of the 3 girls, then one of each of the older 2, then 2 of the youngest, when the youngest was a month old.  I didn't see them again until the youngest was 9 months, and they got the same thing. 

 

Your mentioning about the memory box is what made me think of it.  In that family, the first has a bazillion pics, the second, about half that, and the third...a few. 
 

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#23 of 41 Old 01-07-2011, 04:43 AM
 
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In my family parties are only for first babies.

 

It is common to send cards though for all new babies- usually not gifts unless it is something personalized that wouldn't be used by other babies.


Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

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#24 of 41 Old 01-07-2011, 04:45 AM
 
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*shrug* Neither side of the family did anything(party, shower, etc.) for either of our kids, so I guess I would be happy with having gotten anything along those lines. 

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#25 of 41 Old 01-07-2011, 06:34 AM
 
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Psh, I didn't even get a shower for my first!  By the time #3 came around, I got a grand total of 2 visitors, much less a party (and one of those visitors only came because she had to drive my mom out!).

 

Wait, I take that back, I did get a little improptu shower at work with my first, and then I got a gift (no shower) with my second, but nada for the third.


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#26 of 41 Old 01-07-2011, 06:55 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat View Post

In my family parties are only for first babies.

 

It is common to send cards though for all new babies- usually not gifts unless it is something personalized that wouldn't be used by other babies.


 

Hi,

This is true for me too.  I was brought up to believe and I think it is pretty traditional is that "baby" showers are not about the baby, but about celebrating a woman's initiation into motherhood.  The point is to help a new parent stock up on the things that they are going to need as a first-time parent.  Therefore it wouldn't be necessary to have a second shower because you're no longer a "first-timer" and should already have all the things you need.  To celebrate the babies (in our family at least) we have a separate party at the baptism and that's where the second and third babies etc. would get their time to shine and get "showered" with gifts.

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#27 of 41 Old 01-07-2011, 09:04 AM
 
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Acknowledge?  Yes.  Even rejoice.  I know if I ever get pregnant with a 4th baby, my family will holler and shout and jump up and down with happiness.

 

Parties for every baby?  No, and I don't expect them.  To me babyshowers are a mostly practical thing, and only one possible way of many to rejoice with a couple and celebrate their new little one.

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#28 of 41 Old 01-07-2011, 09:15 AM
 
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As an aside, I often make a special effort to send a really sweet gift to a friend who's having another baby (whether 2nd or 8th).  They're likely to get tons of great stuff with the first one, and I give gifts then too, of course.  But I know that the rest of the world is somewhere between nonplussed and antaganistic about the idea of having a 3rd (or more) child, and that parents with more children often get more snarky comments than congratulations.  So I like to be a little ray of sunshine in the midst of that, with a gift that says "I am so happy for you!  Congratulations!  Here is something special for your new little one who is unique and special and a great addition to the world"  I find small personalized quilts (like cradle sized) work perfectly for that.

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#29 of 41 Old 01-07-2011, 09:26 AM
 
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Since the OP changed the title - my answer is yes.  Of course they acknowledged each subsequent baby (I have four).  And really, since you asked recently about the wording of a sign to put up for frequent visitors after the birth, I am assuming that you have plenty of family and friends that also will acknowledge your new baby.  It doesn't take a formal celebration to do so, and that is not the norm at all after the first baby (and lets remember, many first time moms never even have a baby shower - so feel lucky that you were thrown one at all). 

 

But it is true that people will not be as excited; you are already a mother (soon-to-be times 3).  It's kinda old news, yk?  It doesn't take anything away from the specialness of each baby, but it is what it is.  People will still say congrats, and want to know how you and baby are doing... and if you are lucky, they will bring a card or flowers or even a small gift.  Or they will make a phone call if they can't be there in person.  These are all ways of acknowledging your new baby.  As a mom of more than on, I'm sure you realize it is a bit different the 2nd or 3rd (or 4th, ...) time around.  Do you have the same amount of baby pictures and baby books/keepsakes put together for child number 2?  It gets a bit worse when you have even more.  You just don't have time, and maybe not even the motivation b/c you've been there done that.  Other people have busy lives themselves, and are more likely to make a big deal and gush and celebrate when people first become parents, b/c it is such a huge life-changing event. 

 

Try not to take it personally that no one has offered to host an event either before the baby arrives or afterwards; if you really want something specific like a dinner party or tea or whatever, talk to your family and ask them - or plan something yourself with your DH if you are so inclined. 

 

We are TTC#5, and not only will no one make a big fuss over it if it actually happens, but they will probably mumble under their breath that we have more than enough children anyway - and guess what? I know for sure that my family loves me and wants the best for me and will welcome any new children into their hearts.  It's just how it is sometimes with multiple pregnancies/babies.


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#30 of 41 Old 01-07-2011, 12:44 PM
 
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We were given a shower for our first baby but not for the others. That was fine with me - I was moved by the generosity of people the first time but I did not feel that our babies were entitled to gifts and parties just for being born. We had a good start on what we needed and as we were the ones having the babies I just assumed it was our responsibility to buy what they needed. Gifts were always nice but it didn't occur to me to expect others to provide new things for every baby.

 

Family and friends definitely acknowledged  and celebrated each of our children. There wasn't as much woo-hoo! with our announcement of the third pregnancy as the first one but that baby was (and still is) just as welcome and loved as the first one was.

 

Babies don't notice any of this. What matters to me is how all of my children have been loved and cherished as they have grown old enough to form their own memories. If only the first born received birthday wishes and graduation gifts and the others were ignored I would be upset.

 

Two of my children are now teens and I really don't remember who did or gave what to any of them when I was still pregnant with them or after they were born. What I remember is how different family members have related with them over the years (some wonderful, some not so good) and that is what matters to me - and to my children.

shantimama is online now  
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