ILs, money/debt, paying for things while they are visiting - Page 6 - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-24-2011, 05:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by haleyelianasmom View Post

 You know what I'm seeing a lot of here? 

 

1) Jealousy.  Yes we had some help.  get over it.

 

2) Discrimination against those who are having a hard time financially.  Because obviously those who have less money shoud be nit-picked in EVERY ASPECT OF THEIR LIFE from how they eat, how they care for their chilldren, where they live, etc.  You feel it gives you the right to rant with hateful just plain mean untrue things because, well, obviously someone having a hard time isn't TRYING hard enough. 

 

I never asked for financial advice on my own budget, but I have been asked about every tiny detail of what I buy.  Iasked for advice in dealing with a person.  wow.  The balls.



The jealousy I'm seeing repeated again and again is from you toward MIL for having an easier time, even when she was younger.  Tough.  Everyone has it harder than someone else. 

 

Having a hard time financially doesn't mean anything about who you are as a person.  Having a long string of bad decisions which impact your family, not just you means you need to take a look at what you're doing and change something.  You asked for help dealing with a person.  It's a lot easier to deal with people who are difficult when you aren't indebted to them, and they know it and will use it against you. 

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Old 06-24-2011, 05:48 PM
 
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This is your earlier post that you deleted

 

"They HAVE helped financially a few times. Especially FIL, but I have a feeling those instances are kept hidden from MIL. Like occasionally I have seen deposits into our account from their bank, but they never even bring it up. I think it's sort of hush hush. The one thing they DID do is

1) the car my husband still uses for work was given to us when MIL got rid of it to get her newer car.

2) the second home they own was one that we lived in rent free for 2 of the years while dh was in school. The plan was for us to buy it from them whan he was done, but the economy went south (they bought it in 2006 at the peak) and dh couldn't find a job anywhere near there. SO they have openly complained about that many times, but it really isn't our fault and heck, they have a new income source while retired. I think that's awesome, they can sell it when the market gets a bit better.

3) For the first year that they rented the house out, WE acted as the landlord and they let us keep a good portion of the rent $ to pay off our debt. We were supposed to pay them back for that, but they were supposed to help us pay off ALL our debt... that was the deal they worked out, but they never brought up the $ we owed them...

4) they gave us down payment for our van so we could have a safer vehicle for our kids.



So when I complain about having to pay for stuff for them, dh brings that up. And he's right, they did help and I feel like a jerk for complaining. It's also, though, that I can't imagine letting kids/grandkids not be able to even visit the dentist while I talk about my many vacations and shoes and shopping trips. But I guess it's easy for me to feel that way when I'm the one without the money."

 

Honestly, I don't think people are jealous.  What is there to be jealous of?  You seem pretty unhappy.

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Old 06-24-2011, 05:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Appropriate dental care is a need, not something you can just not have.  Nobody forced you to take MIL's money for a new van, you knew what you were doing, and that you already owed them money.  I'm surprised that mortgage + insurance + maintenance + taxes is cheaper than rent, but you clearly aren't making it even with it being cheaper, which says to me that the place costs too much for you.  If you weren't charging groceries every month maybe that would be different.  Look, I value having a parent home too, but if you can't afford dental care for your kids or to pay to put food on the table, then something has to change.  Maybe it doesn't have to be changing from being a SAHM, maybe instead you can find something like you mentioned earlier, late at night when DH is home. 



Oh, wow, good idea!  Um, I said that already.  I already work a few days a week and I am in the process of finding a second job for nights.  But it is obviously better to stick the kids in day care and screw them over?

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Old 06-24-2011, 05:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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why are you deleting all your posts?



Because I am trying to prevent the ILs details from being found by someone else who may know them.  I gave a lot of details and too many for my comfort of keeping on the internet long-term.  Older stuff is being deleted

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Old 06-24-2011, 05:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Do you want help with this situation, or do you only want people to nod and agree with you?
 

 



I want help.  constructive help.  There is a gigantic difference between these two things and both totally disagree with me.  examples:

1)  Wow, you are vulgar and ungrateful and I would be mad at you too.  You need to stop buying so much crap, work full time, and you really shouldn't be living in your house even though I have never seen your house.  You have a sense of entitlement and are manipulating and mean.

 

2) I'd say the financial situation and the MIL problem are separate.  If you want help in your financial situation, though it seems it is temporary, check out David Ramsey's stuff and work out a real budget.  As for dealing with your MIL, perhaps she has some anger against you for the financial help they have given in the past.  The best thing moving forward that you could do would be to stop accepting any help no matter how much they push it and keep visits to a minimum until you have your finances worked out

 

See?  2 posts that I made up, 1 helpful, 1 mean, both disagree with me.  it can be done constructively people

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Old 06-24-2011, 05:56 PM
 
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Oh, wow, good idea!  Um, I said that already.  I already work a few days a week and I am in the process of finding a second job for nights.  But it is obviously better to stick the kids in day care and screw them over?


 

So that's a good step, and if you actually find a job that fits your requirements good for you.  I already said that was another option, and if that doesn't work out you have to look at something else because something has to change.  I can't believe you feel like you've made good choices here.  How can you possibly think that when you're in the situation you're in?  Not being broke, because there is no shame in being broke, but running up debt after debt for things you can't afford but feel entitled to, and only paying back the ones you're forced to.  

 

You can't afford basic necessities.  You couldn't afford to pay back your debts or buy your vehicle on your dh's old salary.  That means you couldn't afford your house.  You can pay the mortgage and taxes and that's good because a foreclosure is the last thing you need.  You can't pay for dental care, food, debt repayment and the house and car and that = you can't afford the house and car.

 

Your current posts are all about how you don't expect anything.  Earlier in the thread you were going on about how you don't expect it from your parents, but that your ILs should be helping out more and never help you out.  Huh, I guess except for when they helped you out big time, again and again.  And you were posting about how dare they go on vacations and shopping trips while their grandkids didn't have dental care or money for anything.  Who was that who was jealous again? 

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Old 06-24-2011, 06:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So that's a good step, and if you actually find a job that fits your requirements good for you.  I already said that was another option, and if that doesn't work out you have to look at something else because something has to change.  I can't believe you feel like you've made good choices here.  How can you possibly think that when you're in the situation you're in?  Not being broke, because there is no shame in being broke, but running up debt after debt for things you can't afford but feel entitled to, and only paying back the ones you're forced to.  

 

You can't afford basic necessities.  You couldn't afford to pay back your debts or buy your vehicle on your dh's old salary.  That means you couldn't afford your house.  You can pay the mortgage and taxes and that's good because a foreclosure is the last thing you need.  You can't pay for dental care, food, debt repayment and the house and car and that = you can't afford the house and car.

 

Your current posts are all about how you don't expect anything.  Earlier in the thread you were going on about how you don't expect it from your parents, but that your ILs should be helping out more and never help you out.  Huh, I guess except for when they helped you out big time, again and again.  And you were posting about how dare they go on vacations and shopping trips while their grandkids didn't have dental care or money for anything.  Who was that who was jealous again? 



And... you know all of this... because?  Have you seen my entire budget?  So you know 100% of how I spend my money, right?  perhaps you hacked into my quicken.  nice.

 

Oh, and I had a miscarriage.  Needed medical attention and our insurance didn't cover anything, so I was stuck with lots of hospital bills.  That was unexpected.  But I'm sure that's my sense of entitlement going again.  How dare I want medical care.  house and car.  in the past.  financial situation is TEMPORARY.  get it?  can't sell house or car.  income is increasing.

 

I never said I expected anything from them, I expect them to be able to cover their own food while they are here after inviting themselves.  And yes, they have a boatload of mone and it would be awesome to have that.  You wouldn't?  Would anyone not want that freedom?

 

Wow.  All I can say is there are several of you on here who are just nasty people who know no warmth nor tact.

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Old 06-24-2011, 06:11 PM
 
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Oh, wow, good idea!  Um, I said that already.  I already work a few days a week and I am in the process of finding a second job for nights.  But it is obviously better to stick the kids in day care and screw them over?

My kids went to daycare because I work. (I did not stick them, dump them or shove them there, despite the popularity of those statements among MDC SAHMs). They were not screwed over in the slightest - they thoroughly enjoyed the high quality care and being with their friends every day. They benefitted from my top class medical and dental insurance, so they never had to wait for a dental or doctor's appointment. They also benefitted from the lack of financial stress in our family. Daycare does not screw kids over.

 

 

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Old 06-24-2011, 06:22 PM
 
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And btw dd has had appropriate dental care, but it needed to wait a bit longer and had to be financed.  Who the hell cares?  Are you all going to jump all over me for financing it, too?  should I be able to pay the $1700 it cost up front for DD and I?

 

You guys just keep it coming.  seriously.  wow.  I can't imagine the nastiness of the people who think this kind of roasting is a good way to spend a friday evening.  This is sickening.  I feel exhausted.  No but really, keep it coming.



I actually think the healthcare situation in this country is unconscionable in general, including access to dental care.  I was going on what you posted about not being able to take kids to the dentist, not pulling it out of the air.  Like the yogurt, it's not that I'm going after you for one detail, it's that your entire financial situation both now and historically is kind of an example of how not to run finances at all.  You can't afford the things you keep buying, and you don't seem to place any value on repaying money that you borrowed.  You resent MIL and FIL for their money at the same time as you rely on it when it suits you.  It strikes a nerve, and I know my reaction may be out of proportion, but I have strongly held opinions on these types of things.  Nothing is wrong with being poor.  Something is very wrong with letting someone else take your financial hits and then complaining they don't help you more. 

 

I like a PP's suggestion of how to handle the violin lesson gift issue, detaching and making it on their terms if it's going to happen as a gift to the grandchildren, without you getting involved.

 

I do apologize for being overly angry in my posts, and I recognize it was in response to the attitude I got from yours as much or more than the actual content itself.  I realize you're likely reacting to several people being critical at once, which would make anyone defensive but keep in mind that there are many, many MDC Mamas who have faced tough financial times with or without parental help, and you throwing up your hands as though you couldn't do anything is frustrating, to say the least. 

 

So the neutral, non-emotional advice, boiled down comes to this:

 

1. If you want a healthy relationship with ILs, set some boundaries.  Get dh to do this if you can, but if you can't, do it yourself.  Tell them when they can and can't visit, tell them your shopping is done, respond to MIL's snide comments calmly and while reinforcing those boundaries.  There are great examples of role-plays for this in this thread. 

 

2. Deal with your debt to the ILs, or it will keep poisoning what there is of a relationship there.  Set up a re-payment schedule, even if it's a symbolic amount like $5/month at first.  Even if they say you don't have to pay them back, do it.  Keep track of every dollar you pay them, and remind yourself this is helping you meet them on equal footing, as adults. 

 

3.  Deal with your financial situation.  Take a good look at your budget and have someone outside your family look at it too.  Having to charge food every month is financially dangerous.  Relying on money from bonuses, productivity-related or otherwise is also risky due to how much they vary month to month.  You don't have to share, but look at how much you owe on the car and how much insurance/gas costs are.  Could you sell and get an old car with a smaller payment?  Even if you don't recoup the money from the van, you could possibly have a lower monthly payment.  Include budgeted amounts for increased repairs for an older vehicle, but remember to adjust insurance downward too.  Look into selling both the van and dh's car and getting one car to share, reliable but not new.  Two cars are good when you can, but if you can't, then you can't.

 

4.  Increase income.  You're working on this one already. 

 

5.  Stop buying things you can't afford.  You can't afford a big-ticket item if it leaves you charging monthly expenses, or if you can't fund it without money from the ILs that you can't pay back.  Don't change your purchase from something you budgeted for and can afford because they are funding some of the difference.  You are trying to distance money from the family dynamics, remember.

 

Good luck. 

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Old 06-24-2011, 06:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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See, this is what logical human beings do.  ready for it?  ready everyone?  This may seem foreign, but here goes.  observe carefully.

Choli- sorry if I offended you.  And you are right, many kids do just fine in day care.  There are pluses and minuses to every situation and I fully recognize that.  Now to go and change our entire family structure to handle a temporary financial situation that we are fully capable of paying on normal months would be ridiculous and to suggest that as a "well, sucks to be you, but you better do whatever it takes even if it means abandoning all of your principles to pay that debt off sooner" is ridiculous.  We are handling it.  I shouldn't have to stick my kids in day care if I don't want to JUST because I SHOULD be paying my debts back faster thatn minimum payments (we have actually been paying above the minimum most months).  And like I said, I was working full time in day care before dd1.  I literally brought home maybe $900-something a month (which is basically the cost of day care) and had no benefits.  Plus I was getting sick all the time and missing work meant missing pay PLUS doctor's bills.  It made no sense for us financially.

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Old 06-24-2011, 06:30 PM
 
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And... you know all of this... because?  Have you seen my entire budget?  So you know 100% of how I spend my money, right?  perhaps you hacked into my quicken.  nice.

 

Oh, and I had a miscarriage.  Needed medical attention and our insurance didn't cover anything, so I was stuck with lots of hospital bills.  That was unexpected.  But I'm sure that's my sense of entitlement going again.  How dare I want medical care.  house and car.  in the past.  financial situation is TEMPORARY.  get it?  can't sell house or car.  income is increasing.

 

I never said I expected anything from them, I expect them to be able to cover their own food while they are here after inviting themselves.  And yes, they have a boatload of mone and it would be awesome to have that.  You wouldn't?  Would anyone not want that freedom?

 

Wow.  All I can say is there are several of you on here who are just nasty people who know no warmth nor tact.



Again, I'm just going off your deleted posts where you said you had to charge groceries every month and couldn't take your kids to the dentist.  It was also there that you said you expected them to help more because they had more money, unlike your parents. 

 

If you can't afford for them to visit, tell them no.  If you can't afford the fancy new car, tell them no.  If you couldn't afford the four-bedroom house, you could have told them no.  Start practicing different ways to tell them and yourself no. 

 

Things are temporarily worse, and like I said, I think medical care in the US is atrocious.  Things were never good, again per your own reporting. 

 

Nobody is entitled to own a house or a brand new car, or to be a two-car family.  Those things all make life more pleasant, but are not needs.

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Old 06-24-2011, 06:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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our second car is a 1997 cavalier that is paid for.

 

We are allowed to have a place to live and owning was the best option for us.  My uncle, who has since died unexpectedly, was a realtor and mortgage broker.  We looked everywhere and basically found the cheapest place that would make a good long-term home.  We picked a small townhouse.  We knew the early years would be tougher, but that meant we would have a home long-term.  When you rent, you pay lots of money each month that goes away from you.  buying a home is an investment.  Once this house is paid off, it's ours.  My parents rented their whole life until recently.  All those years of rent money is gone.  My in-laws bought right away and they had their home paid off and now have a place to live.  To me, buying makes the most sense long-term.  And yes, our neighbors rent a smaller model and pay the same as what we do.

 

I get annoyed at the in-laws because they have high expectations that they push on to us.  They complain.  MIL criticizes our house because it is small.  I guess I just get that "well fine, you want us to have a perfect house, you pay for it" feeling, even though I would never say that.  I don't ACTUALLY mean they should buy us a big house, it just feels frustrating when we are scrutinized like that.  Like, for example, a neighbor who has the same model as us just renovated it.  It looks great.  I think, wow, good long term goal!  MIL says "OH WOW!  YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW IT WAS THE SAME PLACE AS YOURS!"  ok I get it. Or they'll tell us we need to get someone in to fix something, stuff like that.  I just wish she would keep her mouth shut.  Who cares that you grew up with everything perfect, we are not you.  get over it.  We are not going to have a perfect house.  We are not going to have everything you use at your house.  We are different people.

 

Remember, I just said I don't actually expect more from them, it's just this feeling when they criticize our stuff and talk up their stuff, it's annoying.

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Old 06-24-2011, 07:02 PM
 
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Great post; choli!

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My kids went to daycare because I work. (I did not stick them, dump them or shove them there, despite the popularity of those statements among MDC SAHMs). They were not screwed over in the slightest - they thoroughly enjoyed the high quality care and being with their friends every day. They benefitted from my top class medical and dental insurance, so they never had to wait for a dental or doctor's appointment. They also benefitted from the lack of financial stress in our family. Daycare does not screw kids over.

 

 



 


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Old 06-24-2011, 07:07 PM
 
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Seriously Ladies, let's not go to the SAHM vs. WAHM thing. That so isn't the point.  If the OP chooses to SAH so be it.  This is already totally out of hand, it doesn't need to go to that place.

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Old 06-24-2011, 07:29 PM
 
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Seriously Ladies, let's not go to the SAHM vs. WAHM thing. That so isn't the point.  If the OP chooses to SAH so be it.  This is already totally out of hand, it doesn't need to go to that place.



Er, the OP herself said:

 

"But it is obviously better to stick the kids in day care and screw them over?"


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Old 06-24-2011, 07:48 PM
 
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You, know, I was somewhat sympathetic of you and your situation until the daycare comments.  Maybe it's that I'm pregnant and moody, but my kid thrives at daycare and I really resent the idea that moms who work outside of the home are screwing our children over or lack ideals.

 

My family is better off because of my daughter's daycare.  I was able to work and finish graduate school because she's in daycare.  She's happy, healthy, and securely attached to us.   

 

I don't begrudge homeschooling families or SAHMs by any means, but I'll tell you one thing, tearing other women down and being smug and sanctimonious about your choice to not "screw" your children does nothing but paint you in a negative light. 


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Old 06-24-2011, 07:49 PM
 
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This thread has now been locked.  I have already placed a warning earlier today.  While I sort through this thread and address any discrepancies, it will remain locked.

 

ETA:  I will be unlocking this thread, as I have now deleted several posts.  Name calling and personal attacks are not permitted.  All users within this thread need to remember to keep posts on topic.  Please remember to keep this environment respectful of other users.  Section 5 of the Wiki Terms of Use discusses User Conduct.  Subsection #1 requires you to agree not to use our website in a harassing manner towards other users.  Should a disagreement arise between two users, it is vital that you take it to private messaging and leave it out of the general discussion.  Please also note that Huddler does offer an ignore feature where you can block other users from your view.

 

For further information, please see the Terms of Use. ~Jen


 

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Old 06-24-2011, 09:59 PM
 
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I think some of this comes from an essential disagreement about responsibilities, entitlement and risk aversion.  We've talked the entitlement to death.  As far as the responsibilities, I think if you borrow money with an agreement to pay it back, then you have to pay it back.  Legally, you're fine.  But I wouldn't be able to live with myself not repaying that kind of debt.

 

And you will never be an equal in the relationship with your MIL as long as she funds your large ticket purchases every few years, and never gets paid back.  She is using that, you are feeling guilty over complaining about anything she does while it hangs over your head, and nobody in your family is having a straightforward conversation about money, even who is getting the bill for coffee. 

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Old 06-24-2011, 10:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I sent out a PM to specifically address the day care comment, but would like to also post it publicly.  I am not sanctimonious, not anti-day care or public school, none of that.  I used to work in day care and my mom is a public school teacher and a pretty awesome one, too.  That said, right now what is personally right for our specific family is homeschooling and me being at home with the kids when dh is at work.  No one can decide this but us and there is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to such personal decisions as what job to have, where to live, who watches and educates your kids, etc.  So to try and make these decisions from afar without even knowing me or my family personally is hurtful and yes, I lashed out.  But I'm pretty sure my comment on day care, in context, shies in comparison to the things I was called in this thread by even those who claimed to be oh so offended by my day care remarks.  I apologized.  Nothing should incite the kind of hatred that I have seen in this thread.  When I am actually looking for real feedback, such hatred is uncalled for and not helpful in any way.

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Old 06-24-2011, 10:19 PM
 
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OP, I just wanted to say I hope that your dh's job picks up soon. We were self-employed many years ago and I know the stress of waiting to build the clientele.  Good luck to him!  

 

Also, I think the advice everyone has given about creating boundaries with your ils is really good.  Maybe you can arm your dh with some responses to his parent's inviting themselves so he doesn't get caught off-guard.  "I'm sorry, we have visitors coming already," OR "We've got a family day planned, sorry," or whatever else works :)

 

 


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Old 06-25-2011, 01:49 AM
 
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Oh, wow, good idea!  Um, I said that already.  I already work a few days a week and I am in the process of finding a second job for nights.  But it is obviously better to stick the kids in day care and screw them over?



Children in day care are not screwed over. Children who are homeless and have major dental problems might be.  HTH!


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Old 06-25-2011, 02:17 AM
 
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what an interesting read ...all 5 pages of it since I last posted ...

 

hope you find a way to set up better boundaries with the ILs

I got the impression that things were a bit tight financially but that the most pressing problem was rather "managing the derailing of the budget when the ILs are visiting & that are even more infurtiating because of the passive-aggressive comments of MIL "...

 

so I see it more as a people's problem rather than as a purely financial problem

 

I wish there was a way to bring forward all the previous posts dealing with advice on people's problems

(... without having to read all of the 9 pages x 20 posts per page ...)

 

I would use the sentences suggested to deal with boundaries setting

(over when and how long to visit, about the meal plan being what it is already planned and baught for with no wiggle room for extras ...)

by copying them in bold & putting them in sheet protectors and reading them aloud several times a day ....

in preparation for the next visit ....

 

good luck in your search of how to deal with your precise situation as most fitting to you and your family

(as I posted before, my DH would NOT talk to his Mom, or would not say things very clearly and openly

so any change that I felt was needed, I had to find whatever way was possible to me to get my message accross

regarding the well being of my children, myself and my DH ....and since they would naturally tend to dismiss anything

that was not coming from DH, in the end I had to be very clear and rather repetitive about it, sad but necessary ...)

 

 

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Old 06-25-2011, 04:11 AM
 
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Here's the deal, OP.  Do you, 20 years from now, want to still be robbing Peter to pay Paul, still be clashing with your MIL, still have the resentment towards people who were more financially savvy than you, and still be wondering how YOU will ever retire? 

 

You can choose to think this through and you can take the comments (the good, the bad AND the ugly) as constructively as possible to improve your situation.  But so far... you're not listening, you're arguing every point that you find to be a possible criticism.  A lot of people here have BTDT (both with MILs and with money) and you don't want to listen to them because it hits too close to the bone for you.  I think you know what you need to do, I think you do see your folly, but your pride is getting in the way.  If you continue to have an attitude about both your MIL and your financial decisions you're headed for some even rougher times ahead.  You have made some ATROCIOUS financial decisions... I don't need to see your budget to tell you that because I am financially savvy and secure because I LISTENED to those wiser than me.  You've made some ATROCIOUS decisions about your in-laws.  But you're not learning from those bad decisions.  You'd rather defiantly defend those decisions.  You are headed to become, in your own golden years, your financially insecure parents AND the dreaded MIL you so hate right now.

 

You need to read some financial planning books.  General information.  Self-improvement books, too, maybe?  You are setting yourself up for some serious financial ruin and in the process, the relationship you have with your MIL is just going to cause problems in your own happiness and the happiness in your marriage.  I hope you can drop the attitude and learn before it's too late.  Good luck!

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Old 06-25-2011, 04:29 AM
 
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Oh, I wanted to add, too.  You mentioned that some people sound jealous because you got help from the in-laws.

 

Although I haven't been really active on this thread, I can fully guarantee that I, for one, am not jealous and I know most others are not, either. 

 

It's true that my family was never able to help out like your in-laws have.  I worked my way through undergrad (and did it without debt), I was taught good work ethic (work hard, save your money, be honest, give when you can, expect nothing back), I was taught to pay back my debts, but to not incur them in the first place, I bought my first house all on my OWN (that is, prior to being married when I was single), and I have always bought my own vehicles.  I support my mother, who lives with us, and have done so for 6 years.  Prior to that, we supported dh's widowed mother until her death.  I can only be thankful that I decided to learn lessons young so that now that we're about a decade away from retirement, we have absolutely NO worries about it.  I am actually very glad that nothing was handed to me or dh.  It set us up to be responsible and mature adults that learn from our mistakes and listen to others and learn from their mistakes and their triumphs.  Quite the opposite from jealousy, I do feel some pity for you, though.  Not you personally because I don't know you personally, but just for people who have your same general attitude.  I think if you'd listen to the people here, you'd be a lot less miserable.

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Old 06-25-2011, 07:58 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by velochic View Post

 You have made some ATROCIOUS financial decisions..

 

I agree with veolochic, and I'll go a step further.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by haleyelianasmom View Post

van was purchased new, yes, because we knew that 1) they wouldn't want to help financially with something old, which is what I was looking for. 

 

Right now, you don't seem to understand that you ARE making decisions. You talk you like are on a ride that you can't get off, like you've got no control. You think the bad decisions are things other people forced you into. That's just not true. This is YOUR life, these are YOUR choices. and the sooner you wake up to the fact, the sooner you can start making better choices.

 

I know you didn't ask for financial advice, but your financial situation is dire. You don't seem to understand how dire.

 

I'm not saying this to be mean, but in hopes that it will wake you up to the fact that you do have control of what happens going forward.

 

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 06-25-2011, 08:57 AM
 
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It's never a good idea to choose to maintain a standard of living that you *expect* is only temporary during downturns.   The idea that you deserve a certain set of things and you're going to go ahead and continue living as though you can afford them because you expect that at some point down the road you will actually be able to afford them is, frankly, irresponsible.  

 

The fact is, students have traditionally been poor, and lived small and frugal.  New employees, even professional ones, have traditionally started slowly.   There was a time when it was understood that everyone started at the bottom and paid their dues before getting all the trappings.   MOST of our parents have what they have now from a lifetime of work.   The lifestyle we may have enjoyed at home with them is not the lifestyle they were living when they were fresh out of school and starting their first jobs.   We shouldn't expect to be able to live just like them right away.

 

WHile it's too late to change the house buying decision, I will just say for the benefit of others who may be being swayed by the "it's always a better decision to buy" argument that it is NOT always better to buy.   That argument ("Get in now on the ground floor!  Housing will always go UPUPUP!" was used by realtors and mortgage companies to drive our economy off a cliff.   Buying a house, historically, doesn't work out to such a great investment in the long term, and was mostly recommended because it amounted to a forced savings program for working people.

 

Your neighbors may be paying more for a smaller townhouse, but they are not paying for maintenance, either.  They don't need to worry about setting aside money for a new roof, or water heater, or paint, or windows, or furnace, or floor refinishing, or rewiring, or toilet replacement, or dishwasher replacement.... finance experts recommend you set aside at least 1% of your home's purchase price each year for maintenance, and it's my opinion that 1% is too low, even for a relatively new house.    

 

FOr a very interesting look at rent v. own, this calculator is awesome, because it takes everything into account: tax brackets, relative rents, property taxes.  Anyone using it should be sure to be realistic about annual appreciation, though - we're all paying the price for people thinking that real estate could go up 10-40% a year indefinitely. 

 

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/business/buy-rent-calculator.html


savithny, 42 year old moderate mom to DS Primo (age 12) and DD Secunda (age 9).

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Old 06-25-2011, 09:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Dear people of MDC.  You all seem to have a very hard time sticking your noses wherethey don't belong and generally misreading and taking leaps without an ounce of kindness in doing so.

 

I assure you we are far from homeless, my child saw a dentist on wednesday as she has since she was 2, situation is temporary as I said many many times, and it more has to do with the attitude of my MIL when she visits and to an extent, her wanting things that we haven't budgeted for when she is in town.  That's it.  Stop derailing by bringing up other topics, pointing fingers, and villainizing.  I did not ask anyone to scrutinize my every purchase.  We have lived in our house for 2 years and are affording it just fine, the HOA maintains to roof and exterior and we are maintaining the interior just fine.  We are making our car payments just fine.  We don't make crazy purchases, but that honestly has nothing to do with this thread.  We are not bankrupt, we are tight. 

 

Wow.  Go home everyone.

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Old 06-25-2011, 10:22 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

 


Right now, you don't seem to understand that you ARE making decisions. You talk you like are on a ride that you can't get off, like you've got no control. You think the bad decisions are things other people forced you into. That's just not true. This is YOUR life, these are YOUR choices. and the sooner you wake up to the fact, the sooner you can start making better choices.

 

I know you didn't ask for financial advice, but your financial situation is dire. You don't seem to understand how dire.

 

I'm not saying this to be mean, but in hopes that it will wake you up to the fact that you do have control of what happens going forward.

 

 


I really agree with this, and that was my point about the yoghurt. It wasn't that you can or  can't afford it (although if you're putting it on credit, bear in mind the $8 yoghurt will end up costing between $12-14 in the end). 

 

It's that you did make the choice to buy that rather than budget a bit every week to accommodate guests - which is fine, but it is your choice. I agree that your MIL is rude to remark on it, and I as a guest would never ever expect others to buy my special foods. But I also think that your relationship with your ILs and others will improve once you understand that it is just a reality that you are making choices -- and have made choices -- that impact on your own household and on how you are able to be with them.

 

I think you've gotten amazing advice in this thread and it's a shame you won't take it. I think what those of us who are on the other side of the debt grind/owing people things (although none of my family has been able to help like your ILs) see is that when you are truly centred on your own two feet and not in a precarious position, your relationships often improve, because there isn't that constant grinding concern.

 

The more I read the more I think it would be better to limit their visits, because who needs the kind of anger you seem to be carrying around. Your MIL does sound very annoying, but I also think taken in the context of the amount of generosity and care over your whole relationship, I personally would work on letting these small remarks go. However, it doesn't seem like you're into that from your defensiveness on this thread, so it's best to limit the time and do less damage all around.

 

Hope your DH comes on board. 

 


~ Mum to Emily, March 12-16 2004, Noah, born Aug 2005, Liam, born January 2011, and wife to Carl since 1994. ~
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Old 06-25-2011, 10:43 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by haleyelianasmom View Post

Dear people of MDC.  You all seem to have a very hard time sticking your noses wherethey don't belong and generally misreading and taking leaps without an ounce of kindness in doing so.

 

I assure you we are far from homeless, my child saw a dentist on wednesday as she has since she was 2, situation is temporary as I said many many times, and it more has to do with the attitude of my MIL when she visits and to an extent, her wanting things that we haven't budgeted for when she is in town.  That's it.  Stop derailing by bringing up other topics, pointing fingers, and villainizing.  I did not ask anyone to scrutinize my every purchase.  We have lived in our house for 2 years and are affording it just fine, the HOA maintains to roof and exterior and we are maintaining the interior just fine.  We are making our car payments just fine.  We don't make crazy purchases, but that honestly has nothing to do with this thread.  We are not bankrupt, we are tight. 

 

Wow.  Go home everyone.


Honey, you brought the issue here and asked for input. At least before you erased everything and backtracked and changed your story. All that does is make it look like you demand things and then freak out when it doesn't go exactly how you want it to. At this point I agree that your MIL is a passive-aggressive pain in the behind, but I can also see how she's been driven to it. You've been offered a lot of good advice, and you've only chosen to "hear" either that which strokes your ego or just makes you mad. I get that you don't want to post your financial life here, but that isn't all you've gotten. You've been given a lot of good ways to deal with MIL's behavior, and all you do is stomp your foot and act like the spoiled little kid that wanted the pink cup but Mommy gave you the blue one. If you didn't really want advice, it would have been good to say so about 10 pages back. Good grief, do you throw these kinds of hissy fits IRL when you don't get what you want? 

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Old 06-25-2011, 10:51 AM
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This thread is now locked for multiple user agreement violations.

 

When you post on a public internet message board, you cannot expect that every single piece of advice or information you get will be your exact cup of tea.  Some of it might not be, and some of it might feel rude or judgemental. This is a risk that you take when you post on a public board.  Everyone should please take that into account and not post things you are are not willing to actually discuss.

 

On the flip side nit picking and poking at a person who is obviously upset also stops the conversation. 

 

Personal attacks are not okay.  

 

At this point it is looking like the OP is done with the conversation and is no longer looking for input.  I will review the thread, but it may not be opened again.

 

If you have reasons that you think this thread should be opened again, please contact me directly. :)  Thank you and have a lovely Saturday.


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