My sister is dating someone 20+ years older than her....again. - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 47 Old 07-23-2011, 02:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,787
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My sister turned 18 in November of this year. She went to college a year early, so she will be a sophomore this coming school year. Let me start by giving a little background. She's 10 years younger than me.

When my sister was 11 she was sexually assaulted by an elder at my father's church (my father was the minister there who was in his 50's. She never returned to church, and she got counseling, and seemingly did really well afterwards. She was really open about everything, and told the family immediately after it happened.

When she turned 14 my parents found out that she had been chatting online with a MUCH older man from California , (she lived on the east coast). We'll call him "Sean" They talked to her about how it was inappropriate for this guy to be chatting with her, ect. They put some parental controls on the computer, she agreed to stop talking to him, and that was that. Almost two years later, my stepmother was review phone bills and saw that there were a lot of phone calls that she was making to one number. She called the number, no answer. She asked my sister who it was, and my sister said it was a study friend from school. The number never showed up again on my sister's bill, so my stepmom stopped investigating.

Right after my sister turned 16 my parents went into her room early in the morning and there was someone in the shower and my sister was asleep in bed. My dad woke her up, and told her to get whoever was in the shower out, and meet them in the living room. My sister walked into the living room with a guy who was 39 years old. Long story short, my dad tried to hit him with a 2 liter Mountain Dew bottle, the police took the guy to jail, and my sister revealed that this was Sean from California. He had moved all the way across the country to be with rape my sister. Seriously, he was twice her age and had been grooming her since she was 14. My parents pressed charges, but my sister was at legal age of consent so all he got was a restraining order and a charge for trespassing. Then my stepmom found my sisters other phone. She had bought a prepaid phone and kept it hidden so she could call Sean without being caught.

Sean moved to Kentucky when my sister moved here to go to college. We found this out about six months after my sister had started dating him. My sister dated him for a few months, and then they broke up and now he is dating someone who is 19 (and he is now 41).

Yesterday my stepmom told me that my sister has a new boyfriend, and he graduated from the same high school that my DH graduated from- only 15 years earlier. So this guy is from DH's hometown and he is an old perve dating my little sister. He doesnt have a car, he lived with his mom until he was 38. I just cant understand. She is 18 and can do whatever she wants, but she is SO deceptive and SO determined to date guys that are 20 years her senior. She is very, very immature for 18 and has little in the way of social skills. She meets these guys through her gaming websites and clubs. Also, its not like these guys are providing a "father figure" to her. She is for sure the dominant one in the relationship. I feel like this is something that we are going to have to accept and get used to, but I cant help but be really really judgmental about it.

Eventually I feel like she is going to wind up marrying or having a kid with some guy who is way way older than her (my parents are in their 40s) and its going to be really weird at family events. She has "loved" both of these guys, and she will do anything for them (including loan money, drive them around, lie for/about them, and completely deceive her friends and family for these losers.) I dont know what to say to her, and she often treats my DH and I like we are little kids (like I said, super immature) because her boyfriend is SO much more mature and SO much older and knows SO much more than any of us do...which just proves to me that she has no business dating people that old.

I just dont know how to be around her and Im about to spend a week with her on vacation.

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#2 of 47 Old 07-23-2011, 06:14 PM
 
IwannaBanRN's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Belgrade, MT
Posts: 2,354
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I can speak by personal experience, I STRONGLY believe that a female who is sexually assaulted by someone significantly older than her is alot more likely to be more attracted to older men. It's not something I recognized until recently, when I felt like I was attracted to my ex husband for the wrong reasons(he's 10 years older than me) and I had also been with men that were my mother's age around the time of my abuse. Not only is it dangerous behavior, but she seriously needs therapy for this. Does she know that this is a problem more associated with her abuse? Did your parents ever seek therapy for her?

IwannaBanRN is offline  
#3 of 47 Old 07-23-2011, 07:00 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,614
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 55 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

 Im about to spend a week with her on vacation.


Why?

 

You don't have any control over her (no one does) and she sounds like she is going to have to really screw up her life before she realizes she is on the wrong path, but you don't have to hang out with her and act like ANY of this is normal. You don't have to have your kids around her.

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#4 of 47 Old 07-23-2011, 07:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,787
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Its a whole family vacation. Im not canceling my entire families vacation (paid for and probably my grandpas last vacation) just because my sister is dating someone. We have to share a condo with my parents and her.
EarthRootsStarSoul likes this.

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#5 of 47 Old 07-26-2011, 01:17 PM
 
cat13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I've had quite a few friends from high school through college who would date older men.  And although it did always creep me out, I came to realize that the age thing is not the important factor here, it's how she is being treated and respected.

 

My advice would be to look past this man's age and get to know him and how he is treating your sister. Ask her questions about him on your vacation and be interested in her life. She is probably so used to having to keep all her feelings secret from the family because of the age thing, that she might be happy to finally have someone to talk to about the relationship. And if, during these discussions, you find that she is not being treated respectfully, give her the same advice that you would give someone who was not being treated respectfully by a same-age partner, since it's really not much different. 

 

Don't focus so much on why she wants to be with an older man, just focus on how you can help your sister grow a healthy relationship, see the warning signs of an unhealthy one, and possibly how to exit if need be. 

 

If you just can't seem to step away from the age-difference, maybe you could share with her the idea of the "Campsite Rule" (it's by Dan Savage... some people love him and some hate him, but I tend to agree with him on this point):  "At the end of the relationship, the elder partner should leave the younger in 'better shape than they found them'. This includes no diseases, no fertilized eggs, no undue emotional trauma, and whatever education that can be provided."

lilyka, aurora_skys and Honey693 like this.

Mama Bear toddler.gif, Papa Bear treehugger.gif and Baby Bear (8/11) coolshine.gif

cat13 is offline  
#6 of 47 Old 07-28-2011, 08:03 AM
 
Starflower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Western WA
Posts: 2,442
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by cat13 View Post

I've had quite a few friends from high school through college who would date older men.  And although it did always creep me out, I came to realize that the age thing is not the important factor here, it's how she is being treated and respected.

 

My advice would be to look past this man's age and get to know him and how he is treating your sister. Ask her questions about him on your vacation and be interested in her life. She is probably so used to having to keep all her feelings secret from the family because of the age thing, that she might be happy to finally have someone to talk to about the relationship. And if, during these discussions, you find that she is not being treated respectfully, give her the same advice that you would give someone who was not being treated respectfully by a same-age partner, since it's really not much different. 

 

Don't focus so much on why she wants to be with an older man, just focus on how you can help your sister grow a healthy relationship, see the warning signs of an unhealthy one, and possibly how to exit if need be. 

 

If you just can't seem to step away from the age-difference, maybe you could share with her the idea of the "Campsite Rule" (it's by Dan Savage... some people love him and some hate him, but I tend to agree with him on this point):  "At the end of the relationship, the elder partner should leave the younger in 'better shape than they found them'. This includes no diseases, no fertilized eggs, no undue emotional trauma, and whatever education that can be provided."


I agree with this poster completely. Great advice.


I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
Starflower is offline  
#7 of 47 Old 07-28-2011, 02:51 PM
 
lilyka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Sioux Falls, SD
Posts: 18,301
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Very well said Cat13.

 

The age thing is not a big deal to me.  She is an adult.  Lots of women like older men.  I prefer men older than men.  

 

While her previous relationship was inappropriate every which way from Sunday...this one is a new a different relationship.  At least give her and the guy a chance.  get to know your sister for who she is and her boyfriend for who he is.  He may be great.


The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

lilyka is offline  
#8 of 47 Old 07-29-2011, 11:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,787
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I dont see her as an adult because she isnt making any adult desicions. Her entire life revolves around playing games online and in people's parents basements. She lives in an apartment that my parents pay for, drives a car that my parents pay the insurance on, talks to him on a cell phone that they pay for and goes to school that they pay for. We are just way different people. When I was 18 I had an apartment in my name, paid my own car insurance, my own phone, had a job, was dating DH with plans to spend my life with him,and really felt like an adult. She is still pretty much 100% living off my parents only with a little more freedom. How is she any more of an adult than she was a year ago when she lived with them and went to high school? I guess she can vote and go to jail...but she isnt acting like an adult.


I understand older men...I just dont understand 20+ years older with no ambition, no job, and no car. Seriously, it seems like they are using a little girl who has her parents taking care of her to have her drive them around so they can go to their gaming events......

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#9 of 47 Old 07-30-2011, 10:31 AM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,614
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 55 Post(s)


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

 Im not canceling my entire families vacation (paid for and probably my grandpas last vacation) just because my sister is dating someone. We have to share a condo with my parents and her.

 

I think your issues with your sister are a lot bigger than who she happens to be dating this minute. I also think you see your parents as enablers. I'm just going my what you say:
 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

Her entire life revolves around playing games online and in people's parents basements. She lives in an apartment that my parents pay for, drives a car that my parents pay the insurance on, talks to him on a cell phone that they pay for and goes to school that they pay for. ....

I just dont understand 20+ years older with no ambition, no job, and no car. Seriously, it seems like they are using a little girl who has her parents taking care of her to have her drive them around so they can go to their gaming events......


You posted this on Personal Growth. I think that your personal growth on this can be summed up by the Serenity Prayer:

 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

 

Your sister and your parents and the little mess they have going on falls into the category of "things you cannot change."

 

What you can change is how much time you spend with them, how to spend your future vacations, etc.

 

I'd lay money that your sister's life is going to get worse before it gets better, and that your parents will continue to normalize her behavior. Eventually, these deadbeats will be coming on family vacation, too. What you get to decide is what you model as "normal" for your own children.

 

You are going on vacation with them this year. Use it as a chance to watch their interactions and decide if these are the people your children should spend future vacations with. Practice active listening and non-judgment. Look at your family clearly but dispassionately, and think about what you want to do going forward.

 

I don't envy your situation. When I first realized what a mess my sister is, it broke my heart because I love her.

journeymom and Storm Bride like this.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#10 of 47 Old 07-30-2011, 10:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,787
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks Linda. I wish I could change the situation, but I know you are right....its really beyond my control.

I do have other issues with my sister beyond this. She is ten years younger than me, but she acts like she knows it all. She is snotty to my DH and my friends. She just moved to the city that I lived in for 10 years, but of course will take NO advice or direction from me (ex. her GPS knows it all she does NOT need me to tell her a shortcut to her friends house. She gets lost all the time, but acts like she knows exactly where she is) She is always having to make up for something, and I think its because she was always younger than everyone else in school, so she always tries to act WAY older than she really is. But, when it comes down to making decisions, she still makes decisions like a child, not like an adult. But, she wants to be on the same level of respect in our parents eyes are me and DH are. Thats not really my problem, its hers, but she resents me for how much my parents dote on DD and how they love the life that we have created. They are moving here to be closer to us because we have the grandkids. She knows that, and I think it just makes her "rebel" even more to be the anti-normal child. The funny thing is, DH and I are anarchist who lived in punk houses with 10+ roomates for years, so the fact that we are being considered the "normal" ones is pretty weird. We were the freaks on all sides of our family for a long long time. Its funny how the moment you get married and have kids everyone forgets how weird you used to be, except my sister, who is still working to be more subculture centered than I ever was. And she has made this very apparent by insulting my youth, insulting my friends, and pretending that she doesnt know the bands that played in my living room. She would hate to admit that she thinks Im cool. eyesroll.gif

I have to figure out how to make a relationship with her work because she, my father, and my stepmother are really the only people in my family that I have contact with. I have completely cut out my mother's side because of the mess they are and how unhealthy they all are. I feel that they are a danger to my child and future children, but my stepmother is a GREAT grandparent and my father is really awesome too. They dont know what to do with my sister, and they keep thinking that its a phase she is going through and if they pay for her to have a good education then she will get a good job and meet someone that loves her and treats her well (and they dont care so much about the age as they do about the guy not being a deadbeat). I think they fear that if they cut her off then she will just go live with whatever older man she is dating and she will never stop being around deadbeats.


ETA: I know I was a mess at 18, even if I was making decisions that I knew I wanted to be making. I guess the main thing that I have to contend with, is the idea that even at 18 I was making decisions that I knew would change my life forever, and I wanted them to. I was moving towards making a life that I wanted to have forever, and not every 18 year old does that. My sister isnt planning on marrying this guy, nor does she plan on playing fantasy card games in people's parents basements forever. Im still planning on having shows in my living room (ok, tobacco barn) and sharing my life with a community of like minded people even 10 years later. I guess I just have to realize that I found my place in the world at a very young age, and not everyone is as blessed as I am with that. She's still searching, and I cant change the decisions she is making in the process.

Also, Linda, my heart breaks for you having to deal with your sister. My other sister is 20 and pregnant with a baby whose father is in jail for selling crack. She was using for the first two months of her pregnancy, and that situation breaks my heart to the point where I can no longer talk to her. The problems I have with this sister are like eating cake compared to my other sister. Im sorry you have had to experience it, I know it just tears you up inside to not be able to shake someone that you love out of making bad decisions.

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#11 of 47 Old 07-30-2011, 08:32 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,614
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 55 Post(s)


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post
 
She is snotty to my DH and my friends. ...

I have to figure out how to make a relationship with her work because she, my father, and my stepmother are really the only people in my family that I have contact with..... my stepmother is a GREAT grandparent and my father is really awesome too. They dont know what to do with my sister, and they keep thinking that its a phase she is going through and if they pay for her to have a good education then she will get a good job and meet someone that loves her and treats her well (and they dont care so much about the age as they do about the guy not being a deadbeat). I think they fear that if they cut her off then she will just go live with whatever older man she is dating and she will never stop being around deadbeats.
....
 
I guess I just have to realize that I found my place in the world at a very young age, and not everyone is as blessed as I am with that. She's still searching, and I cant change the decisions she is making in the process.

Also, Linda, my heart breaks for you having to deal with your sister. My other sister is 20 and pregnant with a baby whose father is in jail for selling crack. She was using for the first two months of her pregnancy, and that situation breaks my heart to the point where I can no longer talk to her. The problems I have with this sister are like eating cake compared to my other sister. Im sorry you have had to experience it, I know it just tears you up inside to not be able to shake someone that you love out of making bad decisions.


It sounds like it's really important to you to figure out a way to have a relationship with your sister, your dad and your step mom without it getting under your skin.

 

I'm wondering if setting some solid boundaries with her (including how she is allowed to act in your home) and not trying to give her any advice would help. There's an old saying, "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It will frustrate you and annoy the pig."  She is where she is and for now, she wants to stay there.

 

How is she doing in school? Does she have a plan? Does she make good grades? If there is ANYTHING in her life that is going well, focusing on that will help your relationship with her and your dad and step mom. I feel for them. I do think they are enabling her, but as a parent, I can see why they are doing what they.

 

I was an absolute mess at 18, and just making the mess bigger. I didn't start digging out until I had a moment of clarity at 22 (which is when it finally hit me that there was a link between my self-abusive behavior and the repeated sexually assault I suffered as a child).

 

My sister is a sad situation. She has a serious mental illness that could be controlled with medication, but she opts not to take the medication. She has money and insurance, but is truly crazy and makes life miserable for those around here rather than taking lithium. It's been nearly 2 years since I've seen her and I have spoken to her only once on the phone in 2011.  I remember what she was like before. But she's freaked out my kids a couple of times, so we just don't see her much.

 

I wish that we had magic powers to fix our sisters. greensad.gif


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#12 of 47 Old 07-31-2011, 08:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,787
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post


 


How is she doing in school? Does she have a plan? Does she make good grades? If there is ANYTHING in her life that is going well, focusing on that will help your relationship with her and your dad and step mom. s. greensad.gif



She is doing pretty well in school, and as I mentioned before, she is ahead of schedule. She is scheduled to graduate college at 20. Its hard to talk to her about it because she is a business major, and DH and I own and run two businesses. We didnt go to college, and she acts like we have no idea what we are doing because if we did, we would have more money. What she doesnt understand is that we want to run small businesses, with high morals. (for example, we pay a landscaping employee $14 per hour and she thinks that is WAY too high. I think its a living wage, and hes been a dedicated employee for three years and works almost as hard as DH and WE get paid $35 for every hour he works). She is way more corporate minded than small business in it for the little guy minded. She wants to make it big and get rich, buy a condo by the time she is 22, fill her entire house with comic books, and then start a horse farm on the side . I want to run my two small businesses so that I dont have to go to work for anyone else, live in my house in the country and have enough money for health insurance smile.gif

Its hard to dote on the positive, because she brags so much about everything she does and she know everything about everything. So a conversation about school goes like this:

How's school going?
Oh, fine. I have all A's. But its pretty easy to be on top when you go to school with a bunch of morons.
Oh, well good. Have you thought about doing something more challenging?
No, I just want to graduate so I can get a job and start getting PAID for being so smart.

eyesroll.gif:eyesroll:eyesroll

The thing about it is, I KNOW she got a C in math, but she would never, ever admit it to me. And (me, not a college graduate) its not like Im hard on her about it. If anything, I give her crap for not doing more social things in college and try to remind her that one day when she has a bunch of responsibilities she will kick herself for not going out.

After talking with my stepmother the other day, I think I know what is going on with my sister. Because she has always been younger than everyone else, she always feels like she has to be the smartest, most well liked, best person. So in order to achieve that, she hangs out with people who are not driven, have no motivation, still live with their parents (like 30 year olds that have gaming nights in their parents basement), ect. in order to make sure that she is the one who is doing the best out of all of her friends.

For example, there are geeks that I know who have $80,000 jobs, graduated college with honors, are super intelligent, and direct awesome youtube movies on the side that play the same games my sister plays, but she doesnt want to hang out with them because then she would be the small fish in the big sea. My dad does the exact same thing. As a minister he has always lived in small towns, where he is the only minister, and always moves to places that are in desperate need of a good minister. In the end, he always comes out looking like a hero (not that he isnt, he does do pretty awesome work, but if he did it in Chicago no one would even bat an eye).


Uh, okay enough with my novel. Thanks for your advice. I think if there is a way I can help my sister to have higher self esteem then maybe she wouldnt feel like she had to be on top all the time.

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#13 of 47 Old 08-08-2011, 02:05 PM
 
RiverTam's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: St. Louis, Missouri, USA
Posts: 935
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post




She is doing pretty well in school, and as I mentioned before, she is ahead of schedule. She is scheduled to graduate college at 20. Its hard to talk to her about it because she is a business major, and DH and I own and run two businesses. We didnt go to college, and she acts like we have no idea what we are doing because if we did, we would have more money. What she doesnt understand is that we want to run small businesses, with high morals. (for example, we pay a landscaping employee $14 per hour and she thinks that is WAY too high. I think its a living wage, and hes been a dedicated employee for three years and works almost as hard as DH and WE get paid $35 for every hour he works). She is way more corporate minded than small business in it for the little guy minded. She wants to make it big and get rich, buy a condo by the time she is 22, fill her entire house with comic books, and then start a horse farm on the side . I want to run my two small businesses so that I dont have to go to work for anyone else, live in my house in the country and have enough money for health insurance smile.gif

Its hard to dote on the positive, because she brags so much about everything she does and she know everything about everything. So a conversation about school goes like this:

How's school going?
Oh, fine. I have all A's. But its pretty easy to be on top when you go to school with a bunch of morons.
Oh, well good. Have you thought about doing something more challenging?
No, I just want to graduate so I can get a job and start getting PAID for being so smart.

eyesroll.gif:eyesroll:eyesroll

The thing about it is, I KNOW she got a C in math, but she would never, ever admit it to me. And (me, not a college graduate) its not like Im hard on her about it. If anything, I give her crap for not doing more social things in college and try to remind her that one day when she has a bunch of responsibilities she will kick herself for not going out.

After talking with my stepmother the other day, I think I know what is going on with my sister. Because she has always been younger than everyone else, she always feels like she has to be the smartest, most well liked, best person. So in order to achieve that, she hangs out with people who are not driven, have no motivation, still live with their parents (like 30 year olds that have gaming nights in their parents basement), ect. in order to make sure that she is the one who is doing the best out of all of her friends.

For example, there are geeks that I know who have $80,000 jobs, graduated college with honors, are super intelligent, and direct awesome youtube movies on the side that play the same games my sister plays, but she doesnt want to hang out with them because then she would be the small fish in the big sea. My dad does the exact same thing. As a minister he has always lived in small towns, where he is the only minister, and always moves to places that are in desperate need of a good minister. In the end, he always comes out looking like a hero (not that he isnt, he does do pretty awesome work, but if he did it in Chicago no one would even bat an eye).


Uh, okay enough with my novel. Thanks for your advice. I think if there is a way I can help my sister to have higher self esteem then maybe she wouldnt feel like she had to be on top all the time.


You know, it's really none of your business what your sister does with her life. She is an adult. It is her life.

 

You seem very  judgmental. You also seem extremely insecure and immature about the choices you've made (getting married, starting a business, not going to college), so you might want to look to the beam in your own eye before you rag on your sister about her choices and goals.

 

Fnord likes this.
RiverTam is offline  
#14 of 47 Old 08-08-2011, 02:11 PM
 
frugalmum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 501
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I have always been attracted to older men (and was never sexually assaulted by an older man).  My husband is 18 years older then I am.  Unless the relationship is abusive I don't see a significant age difference as being a problem.

 

I have always found guys my age childish and selfish... older guys for the most part seem more patient, grounded, and appreciative (I know there are exceptions but this has been my experience).  I think you should let her live her own life... there might be a great older guy out there for her. 

frugalmum is offline  
#15 of 47 Old 08-08-2011, 02:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,787
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by RiverTam View Post




You know, it's really none of your business what your sister does with her life. She is an adult. It is her life.

 

You seem very  judgmental. You also seem extremely insecure and immature about the choices you've made (getting married, starting a business, not going to college), so you might want to look to the beam in your own eye before you rag on your sister about her choices and goals.

 



First of all, this is the personal growth forum, its not a rant. My business or not, I have to learn how to be okay with her desicions because I think they are poorly made and not healthy. If my sister was a picture of a healthy emotional being, it wouldnt matter. But she isnt. And the thread was started so that I could figure out how to maintain a relationship with her, not what I was going to do about it or what I was going to say to her about it. So, is it my business? Maybe not. Is this your business? No. But you sure are judging me for seeking advice and help about how to deal with my sisters' decision making.

FWIW, Im not at all insecure about getting married, starting our own business or not going to college. I couldnt stand the four cinderblock walls of high school, and college just wants for me. I tried it, it sucked. I like my real life experience. I dont every want to work for anyone again, and I started my own business to achieve that goal. I dont like authority, and this keeps me from having to deal with it.

And as far as your assinine assumption that I am insecure with my decision to get married, Im not. DH and I have been together since I was 18 and we have pretty much shared cars, bank accounts, and a bed since then. We were living together and pretty much acting married for 6 years before the ceremony, so the "married" title doesnt really change much about our relationship.



My sister and I have very very different goals and lives. Hers is centered around money. Mine isnt. Its hard to get past that.
journeymom and BabyMae09 like this.

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#16 of 47 Old 10-11-2011, 10:15 AM
 
Calvinwilliams's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Can u please help im only 11 and my 15 year old sister Has been having a freind on ps3 Online And i thought they were freinds the guy is 22 years old i think i thought they were freinds but when i went to check My facebook she left her Self online on a chat with the guy And i saw stuff like: oh i cant to Be together bbe I really wana see you. and she said Oh we can move to the country side Baby Xx.  Please can someone Tell me what to do she has been in trouble with my mum befo With a 19 year old And she said never to chat with him again Im sure its not the same guy becuz they met on that hated place on ps3 called ps home Where many pedos Lurk and Well... And She did it again with a 20 year old who was a diff guy And now i think its the same guy they talk to eachother on mic could this be a misunderstanding? i love my sister but she just doesnt know when to stop And i dont want her to hate me :( I Dont know...

 

 

Calvinwilliams is offline  
#17 of 47 Old 10-11-2011, 02:02 PM
 
lilyka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Sioux Falls, SD
Posts: 18,301
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

um, just tell your mom

 


The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

lilyka is offline  
#18 of 47 Old 10-12-2011, 12:27 PM
 
Mom31's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: America
Posts: 3,634
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post





. Also, its not like these guys are providing a "father figure" to her. She is for sure the dominant one in the relationship.
 

She could be taking back control due to what happened to her now she gets to be " in charge"


mdcblog5.gifsaynovax.giffambedsingle2.gifhomebirth.jpg

 

 

Mom31 is offline  
#19 of 47 Old 10-12-2011, 09:27 PM
 
Viola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Nevada
Posts: 23,377
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

Why is this in TAO now?  Didn't it start out in Personal Growth?  Is the site flaky, or is it just me?

Viola is offline  
#20 of 47 Old 10-13-2011, 05:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,787
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No, this did start out in personal growth. I have no clue how it got to TAO.

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#21 of 47 Old 10-14-2011, 11:14 AM
 
homemademom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,277
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


My sister is a lot like this and frankly, I just ignore her when she gets like this I mean, I'll ask her about her life (small talk, mainly), but if she started saying really juvenile things, I would just give a completely neutral reaction and walk away. It might be hard, but just don't be invested in her.  You might be jealous that your parents enable her and didn't support you at that age, so I know it's hard to put aside, but it's not worth spending your energy on.  It sounds like you're successful, by the measures you and your dh have established, so be proud of that and just don't give her drama the time of day.

I love homemade: cute skirts, apricot jam, and family! 
homemademom is offline  
#22 of 47 Old 10-14-2011, 11:55 AM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 27,300
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

OP: Honestly, I have to say that I'm surprised you posted about the age gap aspect of things, as it sounds like the least of your sister's problems. Since that is where you started out, I'll just say that I think you need to totally focus on not letting it get to you. My sister has had about a dozen serious boyfriends over the years, as well as being married once (I do mean serious boyfriends - we're in our early 40s, so there's been a fair bit of time there, yk?). My brother has had a couple of serious girlfriends and is also on his second marriage.  I'm on my second marriage (no serious boyfriends, as my ex was a man I started dating in high school, and dh and got together very soon after my separation). There have been very few of our significant others who have been well liked by everybody in the family. They all like dh. We all liked my sister's ex-husband. That's honestly about it. There have been issues of some kind or other between pretty much every other SO and at least one other member of the family. That's just the way life is. Within a family, we have to accept that our siblings (or children or parents) may choose partners we're not crazy about, for whatever reason.

 

The age thing....i've changed my views on that a lot over the years. When I was with my ex, his then-17 year old sister hooked up with a 34 year old friend of their parents. I thought he was creep and a borderline pedophile (I was 19 at the time). I thought she had serious issues. I thought they were doomed, and the relationship (like her previous ones, with guys closer to her own age) would be over in six months or less. They also did drugs. Then, she got pregnant (and went cold turkey on everything except tobacco), and I cringed again.

 

That baby is turning 23 next month. My ex and I have split up. Her parents (my first in-laws) have split up. My parents have split up. My brother has met, married, had a baby with, and divorced his first wife, and then remarried after a major serious girlfriend in the middle. My sister has been through mulitple serious relationships, including her marriage. And....the "creepy old pervert" and my "immature, screwed up, irresponsible" SIL, who needed to get her head screwed on straight are still going strong. He oozes respect and love for her from every pore, and I could almost see him bleeding for her when my ex sucked his life into a crack pipe, and she had to watch it happen (there were just the two of them and she adored her big brother). He's actually turned out to be a really good husband. She went and took a two year horticultural certificate, and now works as a landscaper, and has her act together way better than anyone else in my ex's family, and he's supported her every inch of the way.


What I'm saying is...you just don't know what's really going on, either inside your sister's head, or inside her relationship with this older guy. Yeah - it sounds messed up, and statistically, there's a good chance that it is. But...feeling constant opposition and disapproval from her family is only going to make her dig her heels in. Give the guy a chance, and see how things play out. Dating a younger woman - even a much younger woman - doesn't automatically make him a scumbag.

 

(I always though staying close in age was the best strategy. My ex was 16 months younger than me, and came from a very similar background, in most respects. DH is 7.25 years younger, and when we met, he'd barely even seen the entrance to the "school of hard knocks", where I'd been living for several years. Except that we both had both parents at home, our upbringings were radically different - mine was blue collar and atheist, and his was white collar and Christian. And, yet - we're solid as a rock, after 9 years of marriage, including a truly hellish patch when our son was stillborn. My ex and I were on the rocks from about a year into our marriage until the bitter end. Age seems like a fairly trivial consideration to me at this point.)


Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#23 of 47 Old 10-14-2011, 01:18 PM
 
rainbow_mandala's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: concrete world
Posts: 923
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

This post has been removed due to privacy reasons.

rainbow_mandala is offline  
#24 of 47 Old 10-14-2011, 01:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,787
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi everyone, and thanks for taking the time to read this. Actually, since this thread was originally posted, my sister has broken up with that guy, and is now dating another guy that is three years younger than our dad. She broke up with the last guy because he had no ambition and she had to drive him around everywhere all the time and pay for everything all the time. By the way, at 18 years old, this makes boyfriend number 4 over the age of 40, whom she is "in love with". Just sayin.

The new boyfriend likes to talk about how cool it is that he and my dad share the same music tastes, how "haha, well you are too young to know about this but your dad would understand... (talking to ME not my sister that is 10 years younger than me), and lots of other weird and creepy things.

I know lots of people have different opinions about this, but I stand by my opinon that it is totally weird that my 18 year old sister, who does not pay any of her own bills, have a job, or have any responsibilities other than to keep her college grades up is dating someone that is in his mid 40's. She does not have old school music taste and isnt mature enough to have a decent conversation with most adults.

She is now living with our mom in an apartment (long story short, my mom lost her job and is moving here to KY so for a short period of time she is living with my sister...(and dont forget that mom pays all the bills too..) My sister sent her an email the other day about how this living arrangment is "ruining her college experience" and "totally screwing up her social life" and how she "never gets to have parties or anything cool". Does that sound like someone mature enough to be dating someone who is elbow jabbing my father and attempting to talk about Boston (the band) and Regan (the president)?

Its weird. I know its not popular for me to think this way, but I think aside from all of my sisters weird behaviors this one is really unhealthy and she needs professional help for her past abuse.

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#25 of 47 Old 10-15-2011, 11:04 AM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 27,300
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

Hi everyone, and thanks for taking the time to read this. Actually, since this thread was originally posted, my sister has broken up with that guy, and is now dating another guy that is three years younger than our dad. She broke up with the last guy because he had no ambition and she had to drive him around everywhere all the time and pay for everything all the time. By the way, at 18 years old, this makes boyfriend number 4 over the age of 40, whom she is "in love with". Just sayin.
The new boyfriend likes to talk about how cool it is that he and my dad share the same music tastes, how "haha, well you are too young to know about this but your dad would understand... (talking to ME not my sister that is 10 years younger than me), and lots of other weird and creepy things.
I know lots of people have different opinions about this, but I stand by my opinon that it is totally weird that my 18 year old sister, who does not pay any of her own bills, have a job, or have any responsibilities other than to keep her college grades up is dating someone that is in his mid 40's. She does not have old school music taste and isnt mature enough to have a decent conversation with most adults.
She is now living with our mom in an apartment (long story short, my mom lost her job and is moving here to KY so for a short period of time she is living with my sister...(and dont forget that mom pays all the bills too..) My sister sent her an email the other day about how this living arrangment is "ruining her college experience" and "totally screwing up her social life" and how she "never gets to have parties or anything cool". Does that sound like someone mature enough to be dating someone who is elbow jabbing my father and attempting to talk about Boston (the band) and Regan (the president)?
Its weird. I know its not popular for me to think this way, but I think aside from all of my sisters weird behaviors this one is really unhealthy and she needs professional help for her past abuse.


Sure. It's weird. But, saying that she's not mature enough to date 40 year old men expresses a flaw in thinking that often occurs in this particular situation. You're assuming that the 40 year old man in question is mature enough for that to be relevant. I've definitely met some creepy middle aged men who like to date much younger women. I've also met some middle-aged men who like to date younger women, because they're on about the same maturity level. (My ex-SIL, who I talked about upthread, was in that dynamic, although I didn't see it at the time. She was definitely pretty immature...but her then-34 year old boyfriend/husband was at about the same level she was at. I thought she'd outgrow him, but he finally started to grow up, and they've more or less kept pace with each other.)

 

The thing is...if, as a result of her abuse or for some other reason, your sister has become attracted to older men, and only older men, it's not necessarily unhealthy and it's not necessarily something that therapy can "fix". What if she only found blond men attractive? What if she only found white men (or black men, or Asian men, or whatever) attractive? Would you assume that was unhealthy and needed to be fixed, or would it just be a personal preference? I know plenty of people who find younger people attractive - heck, we had large numbers of middle-aged moms drooling over Daniel Radcliffe and/or Rupert Grint here on MDC a couple years ago. That's not automatically unhealthy, so why is it so unhealthy when it goes the other way?

 

Personally, I'm turned off by older men, which I think is also a direct result of my abuse history. (It's kind of funny. I'm going back and watching some tv shows from my teens on Netflix. I've discovered that several men who I thought were really, really "icky" back then are actually quit attractive - now that I'm the age they were onscreen, or close to it. I was put off solely by the fact that they were quite a lot older than me.) If it happens that there's a great guy out there, who would be perfect for me (if I didn't already have dh, I mean), and I'd never look twice at him, because he's too old, that's not really healthy...but nobody would blink an eye.

 

I'm not saying this is all a wonderful situation. I'm not saying that there's nothing "off" about your sister's taste in men. What I'm saying is that you don't really know, and the maturity argument doesn't always hold water, as there are a lot of people who take immaturity well into middle-age, and sometimes beyond. Your sister and these guys could be on a lot closer level than you might think (I don't think the stuff her current boyfriend says comes across as creepy, so much as kind of immature, for instance).  I'm also saying that it really doesn't matter if you think it's unhealthy (or even if it is), as her choice in boyfriends is up to her, not to you. That's really the key point. You're going to have to learn to deal with this, because saying "this one is really unhealthy and she needs professional help for her past abuse" isn't going to accomplish anything. And, getting on her case about who she chooses to date also isn't going to help.

 

I also have to point out that, if she's as immature as sounds, the older men thing may not have as much to do with her abuse as you think it does. She may just be really enjoying the reaction from you, and possibly your parents. I've seen a girl with racist parents deliberately date only boys from the First Nations. I've seen lots of girls with parents who are status conscious deliberately date boys from  blue collar and/or welfare environments. I actually think one of ds1's girlfriends dated him, hoping to horrify her very religious parents, and dumped him when it didn't work (he's not what they would have been hoping for, but he's quite personable and a decent person, yk?).  Sure - she may well be attracted to older guys, but she may also be pushing buttons.

homemademom likes this.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#26 of 47 Old 10-15-2011, 02:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,787
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
IDK what it is, but neither my parents nor I have discussed in a long time, so the only reaction she is getting from any of us is him not being invited to family events the way we would be sure to invite someone else. Honestly, if what she is wanting is to not have to participate in the family, then she is getting that. I dont invite her over, because I dont want to hang out with him because I think he is creepy. I dont let my DD spend the night with her when my mom is out of town, because (sure, this is my screwed up past coming into play) I dont know her boyfriend very well, and I sure as hell dont trust him because I think he has boundary issues. So if the reaction she is wanting is to be ignored, she is getting it. Of course, I have pretty much nothing to relate to her with right now because she is so focused on her romantic relationships and how much money her degree will earn her, so its not like we'd be hanging out all the time if she didnt have a boyfriend.

Although, my mom made a very good point about her relationships affecting her. My sister has a habit of becoming a totally different person (anxious, stressed, crying all the time, ignoring friends and family, ect) when she is dating someone. When she is single, she hangs out at coffee shops with my parents, goes out to dinner with friends, and is generally much happier. My mom noticed this when she realized my sister had a new boyfriend because her behavior had totally changed before my sister ever told us she was dating someone. A relationship should make you a better, happier person.


Maybe its not unhealthy, IDK. I see it as a lot different than dating blondes. The color of someone's hair doesnt affect the amount of life experience they have. The problem is that she finds losers attractive. Every single guy has had the following in common:

Age group of 35-45 years old
No job/ minimum wage job
Has dated other girls her age
No money,always needing to borrow money
No car/bike/incentive to take public transportation- she always has to drive them everywhere
No social skills when it comes to dealing with her family/friends
No real ambition or dream that they are pursuing
All met her on the internet
All play online gaming, some for days at a time
All overweight and do not engage in physical activity

Her "type" sucks. Honestly, that is a lot different than the color of their skin or hair. At this point, if she informed us that she was dating a 40 year old guy she met in business school, who drove a saturn, worked as an intern for some firm, and has a dream of being a small business owner, I would fall all over him with excitement, regardless of how old he is. But she dates 40 year old losers, consistently.


How would you feel if your 18 year old daughter had already had sex with at least four men who were all in your age group - - 20-30 years her senior-- who had no ambition in life other than to maintain a relationship with an 18year old?
Quite honestly, most people would be concerned if their daughter had had four relationships where she claimed that she was "in love" with the guy and was 100% focused on her relationship with him at the age of 18, regardless of whether or not they are losers or an age gap.

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#27 of 47 Old 10-15-2011, 02:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,787
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
In regards to your comment about how I am going to have to learn to deal with it:

This is the most attention Ive given it since this thread was started the last time. I try to just ignore choice in men, but its hard because she defines herself by who she is with, and who she is with sucks.

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#28 of 47 Old 10-15-2011, 03:12 PM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 27,300
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

IDK what it is, but neither my parents nor I have discussed in a long time, so the only reaction she is getting from any of us is him not being invited to family events the way we would be sure to invite someone else. Honestly, if what she is wanting is to not have to participate in the family, then she is getting that. I dont invite her over, because I dont want to hang out with him because I think he is creepy. I dont let my DD spend the night with her when my mom is out of town, because (sure, this is my screwed up past coming into play) I dont know her boyfriend very well, and I sure as hell dont trust him because I think he has boundary issues. So if the reaction she is wanting is to be ignored, she is getting it. Of course, I have pretty much nothing to relate to her with right now because she is so focused on her romantic relationships and how much money her degree will earn her, so its not like we'd be hanging out all the time if she didnt have a boyfriend.
Although, my mom made a very good point about her relationships affecting her. My sister has a habit of becoming a totally different person (anxious, stressed, crying all the time, ignoring friends and family, ect) when she is dating someone. When she is single, she hangs out at coffee shops with my parents, goes out to dinner with friends, and is generally much happier. My mom noticed this when she realized my sister had a new boyfriend because her behavior had totally changed before my sister ever told us she was dating someone. A relationship should make you a better, happier person.
Maybe its not unhealthy, IDK. I see it as a lot different than dating blondes. The color of someone's hair doesnt affect the amount of life experience they have. The problem is that she finds losers attractive. Every single guy has had the following in common:
Age group of 35-45 years old
No job/ minimum wage job
Has dated other girls her age
No money,always needing to borrow money
No car/bike/incentive to take public transportation- she always has to drive them everywhere
No social skills when it comes to dealing with her family/friends
No real ambition or dream that they are pursuing
All met her on the internet
All play online gaming, some for days at a time
All overweight and do not engage in physical activity
Her "type" sucks. Honestly, that is a lot different than the color of their skin or hair. At this point, if she informed us that she was dating a 40 year old guy she met in business school, who drove a saturn, worked as an intern for some firm, and has a dream of being a small business owner, I would fall all over him with excitement, regardless of how old he is. But she dates 40 year old losers, consistently.

How would you feel if your 18 year old daughter had already had sex with at least four men who were all in your age group - - 20-30 years her senior-- who had no ambition in life other than to maintain a relationship with an 18year old?
Quite honestly, most people would be concerned if their daughter had had four relationships where she claimed that she was "in love" with the guy and was 100% focused on her relationship with him at the age of 18, regardless of whether or not they are losers or an age gap.


I wouldn't be thrilled by my daughter dating guys like that, any more than I am when my sister dates guys like that. What I don't understand is why, if your sister is dating a bunch of immature losers (I really, really, really dislike that term, but it's a useful shorthand in a case like this), their age is the aspect you focus on.

 

My sister has dated a wide variety of guys that fit the description you've posted fairly well (well - she only started meeting them online fairly recently, and she doesn't drive herself, so that doesn't come into play - but many of them didn't drive). Her choices have been all over the map, in terms of age, ranging from 20 to closing on 50 (she's now 41, but she's been dating guys like this since she was...17? 16? something like that). Some of them have been older than her. Some have been younger. I'm not trying to give the impression that the 20 year olds were when she was 20, and the 40 year olds have been since then. Most of her relationships have been unhealthy and at least somewhat toxic, imo. She's been doing it for about 25 years.  She really likes overweight/obese guys, and always has.  I don't like it. I hate seeing her wrapped up in the drama of one "true love" after another. But, my feelings have nothing to do with it. They're her relationships.

 

I'm still not understanding why this whole thread was started with the focus on their age, or why there still seems to be so much focus on their age, in light of the whole unemployed, lack of social skills, overweight, lack of ambition, etc. side of things. You say that you and your parents would be happy if she met a "good" 40 year old. The issue here isn't the fact that these guys are older. The issue is that she's seeking out unhealthy relationships. No - that's not great, and I don't want to see any of my children (including my sons!) in a string of unhealthy relationships. I sincerely hope they avoid being in any unhealthy relationships. I'm also going to recognize that, if they do, there's really not much of anything I can do about it. Also, don't think for a minute that the only reaction she's getting is being "ignored". It's not. You're posting here, and obviously still have strong feelings. Believe me, she knows it.


Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#29 of 47 Old 10-15-2011, 04:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,787
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post




I wouldn't be thrilled by my daughter dating guys like that, any more than I am when my sister dates guys like that. What I don't understand is why, if your sister is dating a bunch of immature losers (I really, really, really dislike that term, but it's a useful shorthand in a case like this), their age is the aspect you focus on.

 

My sister has dated a wide variety of guys that fit the description you've posted fairly well (well - she only started meeting them online fairly recently, and she doesn't drive herself, so that doesn't come into play - but many of them didn't drive). Her choices have been all over the map, in terms of age, ranging from 20 to closing on 50 (she's now 41, but she's been dating guys like this since she was...17? 16? something like that). Some of them have been older than her. Some have been younger. I'm not trying to give the impression that the 20 year olds were when she was 20, and the 40 year olds have been since then. Most of her relationships have been unhealthy and at least somewhat toxic, imo. She's been doing it for about 25 years.  She really likes overweight/obese guys, and always has.  I don't like it. I hate seeing her wrapped up in the drama of one "true love" after another. But, my feelings have nothing to do with it. They're her relationships.

 

>I'm still not understanding why this whole thread was started with the focus on their age, or why there still seems to be so much focus on their age, in light of the whole unemployed, lack of social skills, overweight, lack of ambition, etc. side of things. You say that you and your parents would be happy if she met a "good" 40 year old. The issue here isn't the fact that these guys are older. The issue is that she's seeking out unhealthy relationships. No - that's not great, and I don't want to see any of my children (including my sons!) in a string of unhealthy relationships. I sincerely hope they avoid being in any unhealthy relationships. I'm also going to recognize that, if they do, there's really not much of anything I can do about it. Also, don't think for a minute that the only reaction she's getting is being "ignored". It's not. You're posting here, and obviously still have strong feelings. Believe me, she knows it.


Well, when I started the thread we were on a completely different guy, but the reason the age is what I dont understand is because she knows that upfront. She doesnt automatically know that they have no ambition in life. I dont understand why she is choosing people who are so much older than her based on online encounters, without meeting them in person. In turn, their age is also always the first thing I know about them. I only find out later all the other ways they seem to be lacking in boyfriend potential for a young, goal-oriented college student.

How do you think she knows my feelings exactly? I have never discussed this issue with her, other than when she first started dating the last boyfriend and I had one conversation about it with her.

It sounds like our sister's are pretty similar in their relationships. Does she have kids with any of these men? I think another reason I focus on age is because my sister very much wants to have a family, but wants to wait 10 years before having kids. I dont want to see her wind up in a situation much like that of a couple of friends of mine who have much older partners and are wishing and hoping for a baby that their partner just doesnt want because he is 50+ and cant imagine having their first child that late ( I seriously have two girlfriends who are in this exact predicament)

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#30 of 47 Old 10-15-2011, 05:10 PM
 
Arduinna's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 32,562
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'm really sorry. I hear you and I agree with what you've posted. I have no useful advice though. I have a much younger sister too and when she was high school and young adult age she basically saw me as mom. Which was understandable as I already was a wife and mother. She dated some big time losers, like men that were on parole from prison and dead beat dads. But, I see those as separate issues than the creepy and criminal guys your sister is dating. a 40 year old man moving cross country after grooming a teenager and then sneaking into her parents house and having sex with her. Yes that is sick. And she appears to be continuing with these types of men. I would not leave my minor children in her care either under the circumstances. I'm glad your parents also seem to be in the same page and and are not including these men in family functions. I hope her self preservation and common sense kicks in very soon.  

Arduinna is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off