If you died, would your DP keep up all your crunchy habits? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 60 Old 08-09-2011, 03:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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DH and I were discussing this last night. To my sadness, although not surprise, DH admitted than in the event of my absence he'd probably stop composting, start eating boxed cereal for breakfast again, use regular aluminium-containing deodorant, use disposable nappies, buy laundry detergent, and eat supermarket bread. Mostly because he doesn't know how to do stuff like bake bread or garden himself, and doesn't care to learn. Also, although it didn't come up in conversation, I suspect if I died he'd never eat another legume, ever. We have chickpeas, like, once every three months, but he complains every time.... bitterly. :p

 

He did say he'd keep buying free-range eggs, "because it's easy", and that if he remarried he'd make sure his wife was pro-breastfeeding and anti-circ. So that's something, I guess.

 

I felt vaguely insulted at first, but then figured: well, I don't do my "crunchy" stuff for him specifically, but because I think it's healthier/more ethical/tastier/more frugal/more eco-friendly/whatever. And he did say he doesn't mind my crunchy habits (well, he complains about CDing, and he occasionally risks my wrath and buys a block of Nestle chocolate!), and that he likes some of them (homemade bread and homemade ice cream, specifically). So, I guess I can live with the burden of knowledge that if I perish, our household crunchiness will to some extent perish with me. (Dunno what he'd do about meals, though. He's aware of the grossness of takeout and is more anti-MSG than I am, but he also really, really can't cook...)

 

So what about yours? :p


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#2 of 60 Old 08-09-2011, 05:09 PM
 
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I actually think he'd keep it all up....except the bfing....of course ;)  But it would really bug him that our other kids had many years of breastmilk, and the baby didn't. He loves cloth diapering our children, sleeping with them, and slinging them, so I know my kids would still be parented the way we do now. He buys organic whenever he shops. He wouldn't buy paper towels or napkins. He prefers cloth. His meals might not be as "healthy" as mine. But I know he'd  try. :) 

 

 


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#3 of 60 Old 08-09-2011, 05:25 PM
 
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Hmm...I'm not as green as I used to be, and I'm honestly not sure whether dh would keep up even my crappy track record or not. He's okay with me prioritizing certain things (organic from the "dirty dozen", plus carrots, because they taste so much better, and free range, organic eggs and such), but I don't know if he'd be willing to spend the money in the same places. I'm sure he'd stop using borax and baking soda to clean.


With respect to the AP side of things...dh's parenting is a lot different than it would have been if he'd married someone else. I think he'd be somewhat less AP if I died, but far, far more AP than he would have been if he'd never known me, yk? (OTOH, he might even be more AP, because the family would - I HOPE! - pull together in the face of such a loss, yk?)


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#4 of 60 Old 08-09-2011, 06:22 PM
 
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DH tends to be much more adamant about crunchiness than me...although we've never called it crunchiness, just general level of respect of how our actions impact the our environs and a gravitation towards things more natural.  DH is a cycling, reduced-pollution, vegan, cloth-hanky-using fool, and I love him for it.  I use a lot of generic tissues for my sensitive, allergic nose, and I haven't made the leap to hankies.  I  know this has come up a lot on MDC, but often crunchiness is equated with AP, and although I think that AP tends to be crunchy, and don't think that to be crunchy one has to be AP (think child-free crunchy earth-hugging people).  We did AP because it made sense and had an extreme practical side, and I think it our previous earth-hugging attributes had minimal impact on those decisions, since I think of  AP more in terms of parental choices (although AP has a green component).

 

That being said, yes, DH would continue with our current habits because they are so engrained in our daily living.  I just can't see DH living any other way.  He has been more of influence on these choices than me.

 

 


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#5 of 60 Old 08-09-2011, 06:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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CatsCradle: Yeah, I did kinda conflate AP and crunchiness/NFL, didn't I? I guess the question applies to both, though, for curiosity purposes...

 

One thing I forgot: I suspect DH would keep using water to wash his hair. His hair got a lot thicker once he stopped using shampoo, and it's cheaper and less hassle, so I doubt he'd go back to the conventional route. (Unless his new wife thought it was gross, of course!)

 

Homeschooling would be an interesting one. Since I met DH I've won him over to the idea, and in fact he's probably more anti-school than I am (having had a pretty lousy time of it with bullying). So I don't think he'd be all "OK, Smokey's dead, I'll just chuck 'em in school"; but I'm not sure he'd actually commit to HSing them himself either. It'd be pretty hard, given that he works (from home, but still...) I imagine he'd struggle with that decision a lot. (And yes, I know HSing isn't strictly about AP or NFL, it's just a parenting thing we're planning to do.)

 

I'm pretty sure he'd at least try to find a source of breastmilk for the baby - probably his sister. And I guess he'd keep cosleeping...

 

Oh, but he'd definitely rush straight out and buy the most toxic, chemically, kill-em-all fly spray he could find. :p In fact, he'd probably do that before I was cold in the ground! He HATES flies and I'm sensitive to the chemicals in nearly all fly sprays, including the "natural" ones.


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#6 of 60 Old 08-09-2011, 07:55 PM
 
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he would keep up the AP stuff, cosleeping (though in a cosleeper), babywearing, GD.

 

he would stop Family cloth, cloth diapering, and wouldn't make laundry detergent or green-clean. and he'd get more processed food. 

 

we're not super NFL, but the more I hang out here and with NFL people in general the more I incorporate into our lives. 


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#7 of 60 Old 08-09-2011, 08:04 PM
 
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I just asked DH and he said "definitely". I believe him. He goes around trying to enlighten people of our AP/NFL ways. (which I think makes him look like a snob!) He wouldn't be BFing although he always says someone should invent a boob a guy can wear to "nurse" a baby....maybe my death would push him to invent something along those lines...


 


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#8 of 60 Old 08-09-2011, 08:13 PM
 
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The AP stuff, sure. Anything else, nope, not a chance. 


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#9 of 60 Old 08-09-2011, 08:19 PM
 
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Homeschooling...I think dh would continue it, if he could figure out how to work it into his schedule.

 

He's also be much greener when it comes to transportation, but not out of personal preference. DH is legally blind, and can't drive. So, I do all the driving in this family. DH gets around (when I'm not with him) by bike and public transit.


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#10 of 60 Old 08-09-2011, 09:16 PM
 
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Dp would probably keep it all up. He'd sleep with the baby, look for donated milk and keep carrying him around :P  As far as NFL, it's equally important to me as to him, so I know he'd keep up with gardening, healthy eating, composting, green cleaning, etc. AP is something he came to through me, but NFL is something we've come to together.


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#11 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 05:36 AM
 
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Hmm, I'm not sure, this would be an interesting thing to discuss with him!!

I know he'd continue composting, gardening, and recycling, using BS & vinegar for everything, cloth diapering, cloth napkins, etc... I introduced these things but he isn't just 'on board' with them, he really values them.

He'd also probably continue to eat healthy and bake from scratch, though he probably wouldn't remain vegan and wouldn't buy organic etc. He'd probably continue to be frugal but not to the extreme that we are now.

What I'm not sure on is how his parenting would go. He jumps on board with pretty much whatever, basically follows my lead. So I kind of think if I wasn't around, he'd find someone else's lead to follow... maybe his parents, though I know he doesn't want to spank like his parents did. Or maybe our friends would become his role models. I do think there would be a lot more yelling & authoritarian parenting, but I could be wrong there! I don't think he'd prioritize things like breastmilk, babywearing, & cosleeping, though he'd do them if they were convenient. I know he'd want to homeschool, but I don't know how he'd do it as a single parent so that may not be realistic. I think he'd be a lot less free-range. He would probably try to not vax but if it became a hassle he'd just go ahead and do it. I've had a hard time grasping what his parenting style is even now because he just doesn't seem to have a stance on any of it and doesn't have much interest in doing any reading or research... I'm not sure even he knows what his philosophy is, he tends to just ask me what to do, which now that I think of it, is a bit odd...

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#12 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 06:14 AM
 
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I don't think it's odd! I think some men just value what their wives say and don't feel the need to back it up themselves. DH knows I research EVERYTHING before it is implemented in our parenting/lifestyle and he's always on board with whatever I say pretty much. I encourage him to read up on it, but he doesn't. We always discuss it and I will tell him the valuable reasons as to why I am choosing it and feel it's important. I would say 9x out of 10 he is on board.

 

He trusts I want what's best for all of us and I'm ok with that.

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Hmm, I'm not sure, this would be an interesting thing to discuss with him!!

I know he'd continue composting, gardening, and recycling, using BS & vinegar for everything, cloth diapering, cloth napkins, etc... I introduced these things but he isn't just 'on board' with them, he really values them.

He'd also probably continue to eat healthy and bake from scratch, though he probably wouldn't remain vegan and wouldn't buy organic etc. He'd probably continue to be frugal but not to the extreme that we are now.

What I'm not sure on is how his parenting would go. He jumps on board with pretty much whatever, basically follows my lead. So I kind of think if I wasn't around, he'd find someone else's lead to follow... maybe his parents, though I know he doesn't want to spank like his parents did. Or maybe our friends would become his role models. I do think there would be a lot more yelling & authoritarian parenting, but I could be wrong there! I don't think he'd prioritize things like breastmilk, babywearing, & cosleeping, though he'd do them if they were convenient. I know he'd want to homeschool, but I don't know how he'd do it as a single parent so that may not be realistic. I think he'd be a lot less free-range. He would probably try to not vax but if it became a hassle he'd just go ahead and do it. I've had a hard time grasping what his parenting style is even now because he just doesn't seem to have a stance on any of it and doesn't have much interest in doing any reading or research... I'm not sure even he knows what his philosophy is, he tends to just ask me what to do, which now that I think of it, is a bit odd...


 


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#13 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 06:16 AM
 
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My oldest was around 7yrs when she told me she hopes she dies first if I die, since there will be no one to take car of her.
I guess we both wonder what dh would do if I die.
Co-sleeping, yes. I think the kids and dh would "need" it. But that would only last till a girlfriend comes along.

Considering dh doesn't "do" most of the other stuff, diapering, feeding, shopping, household chores. I think that would just depend on my replacement. As long as dh doesn't have to do anything, he doesn't really care how it is done, just that it is.

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#14 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 07:53 AM
 
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I don't really follow the thread because I'm not sure where my DH would find the time to do the things that I do on top of his job, and I know that he wouldn't be in a hurry to date/marry. (his mother died when he was a teen, and his father never dated or remarried, and he thinks that was the right thing to do). I'm not saying it would never happen, but that it could be years and years down the line.

 

Anyway, he'd sill need to work his crazy job to pay the bills. Some of the things, like composting, our kids are old enough to do and value. But I fear that if something happened to me, things would really fall apart. Not just about NFL, but about basics like having clean clothes or anyone thinking to clean the bathroom. I fear things would get gross.

 

I'm an reasonably sure that meals would become limited to things he can grill, things that can be purchased at a drive up window, and pasta (cause that's the one food the kids can make on their own).

 

 


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#15 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 08:45 AM
 
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I don't know what dh would do. It would be difficult for dh to do everything the same as we do now.

I'm pretty sure dd would not be homeschooling if I died today but maybe he would find an alternative to public school. I'd hate for dd to be dealing with grief and have to suddenly transition to a school environment at the same time.


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#16 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 08:59 AM
 
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#17 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 09:40 AM
 
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i think he would do the best he could, but at times you have to cut corners as a single parent. i wouldn't care about the crunch factor so much that i would hope my kids were loved and supported.

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#18 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 09:50 AM
 
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DW would not remarry...ever. She would definitely stop doing some babycare things that we do now, like CDing. She also wouldn't look for donated milk, just use formula. But she'd have to go back to work and get a nanny or put DD in daycare. She would practice GD in the future and not co-sleep (we don't now anyway). She would also probably let her cry when she wakes up in the night a little longer than I would like, but not CIO. Plus she fully believes I would haunt the hell out of her if she did practice CIO after I died. ;)

 

As for green and crunchy-ish things. other than babycare, she is the one that does all of that stuff now anyway, so she'd probably continue. Although it wouldn't be that difficult because we don't compost or make our own bread.

 

 


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#19 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 10:02 AM
 
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If I died, part of me thinks DH would have my kids in a loin cloth running around naked amongst poison ivy and eating foraged food. He is way more crunchy than I am smile.gif

But, part of me also thinks that because he would have to work, he would probably feed them a lot of convenience foods and eat out quite a bit. He probably wouldnt vax or use chemicals to clean our house, but he also probably wouldnt get donated milk or cloth diaper. He buy compostable diapers though smile.gif

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#20 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 12:13 PM
 
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Mine would keep things up.  Well at least he would try really hard.  He once told me he would have to quit his job and stay home full time to be able to tend to the kids like I do.  So that was a nice compliment.  I'm hoping if I do kick off it's closer to when they head off to college.  My sweetie is great in a sprint, but marathons are overwhelming to him.  ;)

 

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#21 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 12:33 PM
 
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EEk- I know he would want to try to keep things as they are- essentially- but he would have a LOT of pressure from his family to fight... they are scarily mainstream - I've actually had his sister tell me she was going to take my kids for a couple weeks and get them 'straightened out' for me.  I plan to stay alive just to spite such attitudes.

 

He would feed MUCH more junk (he's a junk food addict himself and works a crazy schedule) and the cloth diapers would be out- maybe.  He's cheap enough he might finally see their merit. :P He would probably cosleep, though he says he wouldn't (he says that, but I always find him snuggled with one of the kids when they are sleeping. :)) and he has a more authorotarian style than I do, but he's also seen how my approach has worked with the kids, so maybe he would keep going with that.

 

Hm, this post is, however, making me realize that I need to up my life insurance so that if something DID happen, he could afford to hire a live-in nanny.   

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#22 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 03:25 PM
 
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maybe he would find an alternative to public school. I'd hate for dd to be dealing with grief and have to suddenly transition to a school environment at the same time.


My kids attend a really wonderful alternative school and he would leave them there. They would stay at the school with chickens, goats, a green house, a dark room, a kiln and no grades.

 

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#23 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 05:18 PM
 
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Well on quite a few things DH is more crunchy than I am and most things would stay the same.  I am quite sure that less homemade bread would be eaten and more frozen pizza. 

 

My kids are way past diapers, but DH would have switched to disposibiles in a second, but he hates disposibles wipes with a passion and would still be a washrag/cloth wipe guy.

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My kids attend a really wonderful alternative school and he would leave them there. They would stay at the school with chickens, goats, a green house, a dark room, a kiln and no grades.

 

Right through high school thumb.gif

 

 



 


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#25 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 07:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Huh - it's funny how many of our DPs are anti-cloth nappies. Why is that, do you think? DH insists cloth nappies are "harder", which is odd because it's not like we use the big flat ones that require complicated origami. We use fitted nappies. They're slightly more work than a disposable, but they're not really harder. I don't get it.

 

I suspect if I died, DH might try to lean on our families a little too hard. He's always suggesting that my parents babysit, and I have to remind him that Mum's really busy homeschooling my little sisters, and probably doesn't want to have DD once a week. DH has suggested in the past that if I died, he could get Mum to homeschool DD! I swiftly reminded him that that is really NOT Mum's job. :p He's also said he'd get breastmilk from SIL, which I'm actually OK with (and I'm sure SIL would be, too), but I'm not sure DH realises just how much of a commitment that would be. So I hope someone would point out that he should try to find donor breastmilk from, y'know, other women as well. :p


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#26 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 07:37 PM
 
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Mine would try since almost all of it is his idea to begin with.

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#27 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 07:50 PM
 
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Huh - it's funny how many of our DPs are anti-cloth nappies. Why is that, do you think? DH insists cloth nappies are "harder", which is odd because it's not like we use the big flat ones that require complicated origami. We use fitted nappies. They're slightly more work than a disposable, but they're not really harder. I don't get it.


 

I agree. I used disposables with my first child, but then switched to cloth and even had two in cloth at the same time. It's different work, but it isn't harder work. Those diaper genies are gross!  I liked that if I was running low, I could just start a load of laundry, which was far easier than running to the store with a baby and a toddler. There's really nothing to folding diapers. Once I got the hang of cloth diaper, I couldn't see what the big deal was.

 

offtopic.gif

One day I asked my Grandma what washing diapers was like back in the day before automatic washers and dryers. She told me about washing them on a board and then hanging them up to dry -- in the winter. One time some diapers froze to the line and she BROKE them trying to get them off, which was a really big deal because they had no money.

 

Whatever we do, we've got it really easy compared to how women lived for most of history.


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#28 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 10:31 PM
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well, we don't do a lot of the things you mention right yet, but we are getting started. and yes, I think that DH would keep up with most of it.

 

right now, DH doesn't really keep house. He does tidy, but he hasn't cleaned the bathroom in 13 years. I've cleaned it, of course. So, i think his first port of call would be getting a weekly/biweekly cleaning service in to do that work for him -- and he'd probably have them do it 'green' (there's a company we used when we moved out of our old place that uses steam and eco products). He would keep up with the recycling, trash, and composting, though -- since he already does that.

 

I dont' think he'd do much gardening, because he doesn't think about it. I like a nice little garden, and i'm just starting to prep ours for the coming season. I just need to pull out some well dead plants and then divide the agapanthus, replanting it where i'm pulling out some long dead ones, and also begin to collect plants for my container gardens So, i'm fairly certain that DH would likely not spend a lot of time on the plants, not knowing really what to do with them.

 

As far as dietary concerns, he really drives that train and is a massive "health nut" and so he would definitely keep things very healthy and paleo. it's just his way. the only issue is that he isn't very creative, nor is he going to go out of his way to learn new things about food. Left to his own devices, every day goes like this: eggs in coconut oil, veggies steamed in home-made broth (yes, he makes it), bacon or other meat 1-2 days per week; veggies with coconut oil and left over meat from night before; dinner, meat -- prepared with minimal or no seasoning, usually pan fried unless it's a roast (ie, chicken) without oil or added fat, plus some sort of salad. He will also have fruit, nuts, and some dark chocolate occasionally. So, the only real downside for DS is eating this very plain, rather boring food, over and over. DH will literally eat meat patties -- simply pulled straight out of the packaging, rolled in a ball, then flattened -- as his main course over many meals. In fact, the discovery that you can get nearly anything "mince" here (venison, beef, pork, duck, chicken, turkey) just about sent him into fits of glee because it's just so easy to make hamburger patties. it's also really, really boring food. So, i'm the more adventurous cook -- and i don't even spend a lot of time figuring it out. But, he would definitely keep up teh basics of the diet for himself and DS.

 

Likewise, educationally, lifestyle/parenting style, I think he'd keep it up too.

 

I sometimes consider him a bit dense because he doesn't seek out information very quickly -- he's a bit of an avoider. So, instead of noticing "this friction is likely because DS has gone through a developmental change, and I need to understand what that is and how to most effectively work with it, so I'll go and look up some articles," he persists in the pattern and skills for the prior development, which frustrates DS and so he escalates, and then DH gets his buttons pushed (all sorts of shame, frustration, etc), and so he then basically freaks out ("i'm done! that's it!" and walks away from DS, which only hurts DS's feelings). Then he festers a bit and asks me what to do. Then he proceeds to disregard what I say for another week or two, before he figures it out and it all settles down again until the next developmental milestone.

 

I would like to think that if I passed, he would seek out the information more quickly, or if he asked someone for help, he'd listen to it straight away, but who knows?

 

I think my biggest concern, really, would not be whether or not DH kept up the various "crunchies" but whether or not he was raising DS to be happy with himself, comfortable in his skin, and feel that he can accomplish anything.

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#29 of 60 Old 08-10-2011, 11:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
I dont' think he'd do much gardening, because he doesn't think about it. I like a nice little garden, and i'm just starting to prep ours for the coming season. I just need to pull out some well dead plants and then divide the agapanthus, replanting it where i'm pulling out some long dead ones, and also begin to collect plants for my container gardens So, i'm fairly certain that DH would likely not spend a lot of time on the plants, not knowing really what to do with them.

(Totally off-topic) I'm just getting back into gardening. It all went to custard when I got pregnant with DS, but now he's nearly 8 weeks old, spring is approaching and I'm starting to feel the itch again! I'm a sporadic and, sadly, wildly unsuccessful gardener - I've had a veggie bed for nearly five years now, and every year I eliminate the species I couldn't successfully grow the previous year. Last year I was down to tomatoes, pumpkins and basil. :p I'm going to be a bit more adventurous this year, though. We rent, so I usually avoid flowers for reasons of thrift, but this year I keep buying punnets of seedlings at the supermarket... so far pansies, stock (stocks?) and today verbena, which I've never even heard of outside of lemon verbena sachets, but they looked pretty on the label. :p

 

(Less off-topic) DH would definitely NOT keep up with the gardening. He hates it with a passion - I think mostly because he has to get his hands dirty, which is a great trial to his Aspie soul. (Kneading bread, likewise.) He does declare that homemade tomatoes are better than store-bought, but I highly doubt he'd care enough to actually plant them. I need his help sometime soon to move some heavy planters to a sunnier spot, and transporting compost... he keeps putting it off and making sad, sad faces when I mention it. Sigh.


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#30 of 60 Old 08-11-2011, 01:13 AM
 
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I asked DH tonight what he would do. He loves the cloth diapers so those would stay I'm sure. I think co sleeping would become more important. Regarding food he says he would try to buy organic (i'm not sure how well that would work because I spend a good amount of time going different places, like the US, to afford it). He did say that ds (14 months) would eat beef, wheat and ice cream. I am sure there would be more processed food.

We use soap nuts for laundy which he would continue, but I'm sure he would use less eco friendly cleaning supplies as time went on

The biggest issue with him keeping up with our life style is that he is from Ireland, and I am 100% sure he would move home, since hes only in Canada for me. His family is VERY mainstream and organic is limited and crazy $ so I'm sure that would influence his choices.

Either way I am sure he would raise a happy confident man, thats the most important thing right?

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