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#1 of 14 Old 10-17-2011, 08:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So here is  the back story: My mil had a falling out with her parents over a year ago and has not talked to them since. She made it very clear to my husband and I though, to not get involved, do what we are going to do, and still have a relationship with her parents. We have done so and although it is sad, it has worked out fine. We even invited  everyone to my husband's 30th last year, and all attended, said hello, and that was pretty much it. I am not sure exactly what the falling out was (it sounds like it was more a build up of things), but have been pretty grateful that  we are not involved and everything has been peaceful.

 

Fast forward a year, and I am pregnant again and my sil is having a baby shower for me in a month. I invited my hubby's whole family again. Everyone responded that they will be there. Well, I got a call yesterday from my mil saying she was not aware I had invited her mom, and that she will not be attending the shower. She never wants to see her parents again. I was so shocked I just apologized and said I didn't realize, esp b/c they all attended  a party together the year before. And she just said she can't see her mom or her sister (who is mad at her for writing the parents off), and to just tell my family that she is sick that day. 

Well now that it has settled in...I am having a really hard time with this! First of all, I'm not going to lie to my family, andI just think it's very selfish that she can't put her differences aside for a few hours to celebrate the life of her new grandchild. What's more bothersome is I guess this means she is going to miss baptisms, birthday parties, and other big events for her grandchildren b/c my husband has decided he is not not including anyone. He even mildly told her that he is going to invite everyone to other events and she said go ahead. Her loss I guess, but to me it is hard to let go that she is being so extreme and it's hurting others in the process.

 

What I am struggling with is I really, really want to say something to her but am afraid it will burn a bridge between us, and I don't want my husband to have to deal with that. My husband (only child)and his dad are sooo extremely mellow that I don't think anyone ever stands up to her and tells her she is wrong. Or if someone do, they are written off. Agghhh, what to do? Suck it up and deal or say something?

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#2 of 14 Old 10-18-2011, 05:13 AM
 
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I wouldn't say anything to her.  If she feels, for whatever reason, that she can't deal with that side of her family right now, then I think that needs to be accepted.  She might miss some of the children's big milestone ceremonies, but she can still celebrate the milestones themselves separately with the children either before of after the event.  It doesn't sound like she is writing off your family, just that she can't participate in extended family events.  She can still have a very meaningful relationship with you and the children.

 

ETA:  I wouldn't lie for her though.  I wouldn't bring up her absence and if someone asks you directly, I would just say that should couldn't join you that day and leave it at that. 

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#3 of 14 Old 10-18-2011, 05:37 AM
 
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I cut my parents off and as a result, will surely miss lots of family events that I would have otherwise attended. It's sad but completely necessary for my mental health and safety. I know plenty of people may see it as "selfish", but they don't live my life, nor do they have to deal with the PTSD symptoms that come back after any contact with my abusers. There is no age limit on deciding not to tolerate toxic people anymore. Cutting contact is rarely a popular choice but it's absolutely hers to make and has nothing to do with anyone else.

 

She shouldn't have put you in the middle like that, but it sounds like she's not trying to make you choose sides or giving you "Them or me!" ultimatums, which shows great maturity and indicates, to me, that she didn't take this situation lightly and isn't doing it to cause drama. To be generous, maybe she just wanted you to know that her reasons for missing the shower had nothing to do with you. I probably would have tried to be more tactful if I were in her shoes, but in the end this is really completely between her and her parents and my best advice is to stay out of it and try not to take it personally. Accept her decision, explain that you'll miss her, and move on. Don't lie for her, but there's no need to tell every Nosy Parker exactly what she told you. Just say she can't make it and let her deal with the explanations later.

 

I'm sorry she'll be missing your baby shower. That must be very disappointing. hug.gif

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#4 of 14 Old 10-18-2011, 05:59 AM
 
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*IF* you decide something needs to be said, it will come out 100 times better coming from your DH.  Rule #1 with in-laws in our home is I deal with mine, you deal with yours!  It's safer that way.

 

I agree that you should not lie for her but if she wants to not see them, that is her choice.  There may be a really good reason for things that you don't know/understand/agree with.  

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#5 of 14 Old 10-18-2011, 06:21 AM
 
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I find this very sad. I doubt she doesn't want to go but maybe it's bad enough that she will be so severly uncomfortable and that it will be a strain for you your SIL and other guests.  Some emotions are hard to shut off even for other people.  I think it would be nice to have the baby shower without her and maybe to a brunch with her.  You never know what it is that made her break ties.  Either way I doubt she's not coming to hurt you.  She's not coming so that she can guard her heart. 

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#6 of 14 Old 10-18-2011, 08:05 AM
 
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I wouldn't say anything to her. This is where she is right now, and at least it's good that she's not asking you to not invite them. She's just making a choice for herself, and all you can really do is accept it, as sad as it will be to not have her there celebrating with you.

 

As time goes on and your children get older, she may start attending events, but even if she doesn't, it's not an attempt to hurt you or your children, and there's no reason your kids have to feel rejected by her actions. I'm not saying that you don't have a reason to feel hurt (I would be hurt too), but if you frame it matter-of-factly for your kids, hopefully they won't take on those feelings. 

 

As for lying to your family, saying something vague like, "She couldn't come around you today" or even, "She's not feeling well emotionally" wouldn't be a lie -- you're just omitting half the sentence. wink1.gif


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#7 of 14 Old 10-18-2011, 09:04 AM
 
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Even though you DH seems to be laid back or whatever, he is actually taking a better stance by still inviting people, keeping the relationship etc. Tell her, you will be missed, but thanks for the heads up.

Hide your disapointment, go enjoy your shower. Dont stop inviting etc just like your DH said unless the said people caused you guys issues which sounds like it hasnt.

 

Dont rearrange anything or do double events ever, let her figure it out. Of course if you have a party in her honor, dont invite them.

 

I myself have had some falling outs with relatives for several months. Never, wont be  in the same room but just sever contact or keep the distance for a while.

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#8 of 14 Old 10-18-2011, 09:33 AM
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by katiepip View Post

 

I just think it's very selfish that she can't put her differences aside for a few hours to celebrate the life of her new grandchild. What's more bothersome is I guess this means she is going to miss baptisms, birthday parties, and other big events for her grandchildren b/c my husband has decided he is not not including anyone. He even mildly told her that he is going to invite everyone to other events and she said go ahead. Her loss I guess, but to me it is hard to let go that she is being so extreme and it's hurting others in the process.


I see this from a very different POV than you. I have very strained relationships with my family of origin. They are crazy and dysfunctional, but can appear completely normal on the surface to those who don't know them well. I've been called "selfish" for doing what I needed to do to take care of myself.

 

It isn't anybody else's job to show up for things for you. You don't know the back story, and even if you did, it wouldn't be your place to judge. How *hurt* you are by her absence is totally up to you == there's nothing inherently hurtful in her skipping the shower and celebrating the birth of your child in other ways. This isn't about you -- letting yourself be *hurt* by things that aren't about you only makes YOU unhappy.

 

IMHO, it's not a good idea to add on all the other events your children will ever have, because they aren't here yet and things can change. Things are changing ALL the time, sometimes to be more the way we want them to be, sometimes in the other direction. Enjoying the shower and the people who are there really is in your best interest. Enjoying the time you spend with your MIL without getting caught up in the current problems is also in your best interest. Some day all the stuff that is happening may make sense to you, but its also possible that it never will.

 

 

 

 

 

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#9 of 14 Old 10-18-2011, 12:14 PM
 
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I think you should stay out of it.  Invite everyone and who attends will attend.  You can't change anyone or force them to behave differently if you don't like their behavior.  Since you don't know any of the details (and there really is no reason you should if they don't want to share) you have no idea how "valid" your MIL's reasons for cutting off contact are, and really, she doesn't need anyone to validate her feelings - they are valid to her.

 

I'm sorry your feelings are hurt.  But don't borrow drama!


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#10 of 14 Old 10-18-2011, 12:43 PM
 
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More than likely, this is what is best for you on your special day. My sister is having a baby, and a baby shower that I will not be attending (fist off, because its 6 hours away,) because my mother will be present and I have cut her out of my life. My sister is disappointed, but I tried to explain to her that I dont want her baby shower to become a tense, argumentative place just because my mother and I are both present. I assume your baby shower will be a smaller gathering in an enclosed space? I would be a lot more likely to go to a big outdoor event with my mother than to something like a baby shower, where there are typically "events" that happen throughout the shower like games, watching the new mom open gifts, all sitting around in one room talking about babies and birth.

Its sad when these kind of things happen, but I think its good of you not to take sides and continue to invite everyone. However, I wouldnt lie for her. If your family asks where she is, just say she couldnt make it.

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#11 of 14 Old 10-18-2011, 01:17 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scsigrl View Post

*IF* you decide something needs to be said, it will come out 100 times better coming from your DH.  Rule #1 with in-laws in our home is I deal with mine, you deal with yours!  It's safer that way.

 

I agree that you should not lie for her but if she wants to not see them, that is her choice.  There may be a really good reason for things that you don't know/understand/agree with.  

 

Us too... I don't think our marriage would survive without this rule
 

 


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#12 of 14 Old 10-19-2011, 09:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks all so much for the feedback! I have decided to just accept it..it is what it is, and to not say anything. I completely agree with having my husband deal with it from now on. I will just have to politely tell his mom that when she brings it up b/c for some reason I am the one she calls to tell me these things. I'm hoping this will all eventually resolve itself and they will come to some peace, but honestly, I think this is it and they won't talk again. Oh families...I'm just glad everyone in my family gets along and be happy with what I have. Thanks ladies!

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#13 of 14 Old 10-19-2011, 10:39 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katiepip View Post
I completely agree with having my husband deal with it from now on. I will just have to politely tell his mom that when she brings it up b/c for some reason I am the one she calls to tell me these things.


hold on -- I don't think that's what people were advising. I think the advice was for you to not CONFRONT your mil. That's really different from refusing to have a polite conversation with her when she calls you and declines an invitation.

 

I think that if she is speaking to you and politely declining an invitation, the appropriate thing to do is to politely accept what she is saying, and make other plans with her. I would avoid getting to a whole big conversation with her about the situation, but responding to "I"m sorry, but I won't be coming to your baby shower" with "you'll have to talk to your son about that" isn't going to help things.

 

Having polite conversations with the in-laws is a good thing. It's only confrontations/boundary setting/etc that really needs to be handled by the direct descendant.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#14 of 14 Old 10-19-2011, 10:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am saying I am not going to confront her. I was also agreeing with some people's advice to have my husband talk to her about future family matters. She did call me to tell me she was not coming, and I was polite. What I am saying is if she bring up her family rift, I am going to hand it off to my husband, that's all. I'm not going to be rude about it but perhaps I was not clear...she has called me before talking about it and was pretty abrubpt in talking about her mom, and I think it's more appropriate she speak with my husband, not me. I don't see anything wrong with that

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