SIL: What's yours like? - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-02-2012, 09:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have a SIL whom is a therapist by trade, and , apparently, the self-appointed "I am gonna fix this F'd up family" winner of a gal. Finally, after learning that she has embellished more than one story about something I have done or been a part of or aspect of my personality (which she knows ONLY from our strange and uncomfortable interactions...)  to make me look as bad as she could (I once got a lovely PM from her saying "You win!" as if we were in competition...), I realized that she is simply too f'd up to try to connect with. This realization comes from the few email conversations we have had in which, when up against a wall or having nothing legitimate or intelligent to say she has resorted to name-calling, classism, or spewing some whacked diagnosis (I have been told I have a personality disorder by her...in an angry fit, that is... which my own therapist whom has worked w/me for years actually laughed at, shook her head and said, "THAT is no therapist...THAT is her own insecurities at play.)

 

Anyone care to interject, commiserate, or otherwise comment?

 

Am I the only one to always get along with people until THE SIL came into my life?????

 

ETA: I pulled a LOT of what I wrote out after thinking this through. I don't want to go backward in my growth. I want to move on, keep healing my family without her crappy interjections...and this thread is EXACTLY the kind of thing she tends to glom on to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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Old 01-02-2012, 10:37 PM
 
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Oh man I'm sorry.  My SIL finally grew up... ish.  I'm a year older but she is a baby!  She's not that bad though.  My BIL... ha!  He's a tool.  He does this thing when he's around my family where he repeats what you say in a mocking tone under his breathe and he honestly thinks he's being funny.  Nope... not funny. 

 

Geez... I'm sorry, my IL's are not that bad!  Good luck sister.  I'd invite her over and feed her dog food.  Yep I'm on a role tonight!  I'm giving the worst advice possible.

 

Hugs and throw mental stones at her!

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Old 01-02-2012, 11:05 PM
 
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I would run away too! She sounds like a hot mess! How often do you have to see her? It sounds like she is in real need of some therapy herself. The trying to "fix" her husband and family would just really get to me. I cant stand people who try to do that, especially when they "went to school for it" or think they know better than everyone else.


My SIL is pretty young, only 20. DH and I have been together for 10 years, so Ive known her since she was a child. She was such a spoiled rotten child whose mother allowed her to manipulate and control everything we did (refusing to eat at any restaurant that wasnt a corporate chain for years, throwing huge fits on vacations until we did exactly what she wanted, making every single holiday all about how many things she got- totally unappreciative of gifts that weren't on her "list", and other atrocious behavior that was condoned by her mother who allowed her to eat only chicken fingers and ranch dressing for 10 years), but now she has turned out pretty awesome. She is traveling abroad for college, so she comes home with a little more culture every time and has become more adventurous and willing to try new things. We eat at better places, and she *gasp* has really started having opinions on politics and our country's over consumption that we can agree on. She's come a long way from eating exclusively at Tumbleweed, dreaming of owning a hummer, only wearing Coach shoes and Vera Bradley purses and shopping nonstop. I like her now, but she made me realize how much I really dislike teenagers who dont rebel against the world as we know it. That is their job, isnt it?

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Old 01-03-2012, 07:15 AM
 
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Yup totally their job to rebel!  I actually like the teenagers that are self absorbed.  It's really the only time you're kind of allowed to be that way.  DH always loved my little sister, thinks she's a little doll and freaked out when he realized she was old enough to get married.  And when she got married he wanted to grill her new husband.  She was 10 when we got married and she's always been a little rebel.  I think she was the perfect teen.  Secretive, odd, interesting, funny all those things rolled into one.  I miss her as a little kid.  She thinks I'm her moon and that's pretty cool to me.  

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Old 01-03-2012, 07:39 AM
 
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I dont have an actual SIL just yet but my DH's youngest brother is currently living with his g-friend ...now, i have known this guy a while and met LOTS of women that he was involved with - so forgive me if i still cant really take this relationship seriously.  Whats weird is how seriously the rest of the family seems to take it...i still cant figure out how to 'unfriend' his last two girlfriends (one of which was also living with him)  

  This new GF refers to herself as "Tee Tee J"  - meaning aunt i guess... she lives to throw my now 40lb 16 month old around - because its the only way he will tolerate her presence!  lol  - so for Christmas this year she got me a racer back tank top with a built in shelf bra.....LOL - i am shaking my head at this - i weigh over 250 lbs and am still nursing the above mentioned 16 mo. old....what am i supposed to do with this thing????

I dont think i came around their family for Christmas until I had an engagement ring on  my finger!


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Old 01-03-2012, 07:51 AM
 
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Not a fan.  I've known her since she was 14 and while I liked her enough at first, she grew into a manipulative brat and stayed that way the next 14 years.  I cussed her out a few years ago for trash talking her brother, my husband, at my son's birthday party drunk off her ass and we've not really talked since then.  I find her pathetic and the fact that she is willing to play happy family and ignore issues rather than talking about them makes me nuts.  She lived with us, we bailed her our a million times and she backstabbed dh continually.  I've known her 17 years now and can't stand her.  

 

Yesterday she posted on facebook that she was off to get a brazillian wax.  Which is gross and TMI for facebook.  Even grosser since she's friends with my 11 year old son.  Really?? 

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Old 01-03-2012, 05:23 PM
 
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Since DH cames from a family of 9 and my brother is also married, I have a LOT of SILs. Some are normal, others the jury is still out. One is new, but they live across the country. From what I gather, she is very nice- the 4 or 5 times I have spent with her, but she is still in the gushing stage with my IL family, you know- This is sooo wonderful! I really enjoyed myself, I really like this or whatever. She did all right with my kids too. But knowing my BIL's record with women, I am thinking she will enjoy alimony in about 5 years. And since she is expecting, child support too. But I havent spent much time with him the last 2-3 years, maybe he will Man up being a father. My DH hopes so. So do I.

 

DH's sister is a piece of work. We had an issue a few years back and didnt speak with her for several months. Everything is fine now, she stayed with us over Thanksgiving and literally spent the week kissing our ass. LOL But we did have a good time. His other 2 sisters are fine as well. The rest of the SILs are fine, I have more in common with one over another. with a huge family, not everyone is going to be fast and best friends, or get along for that matter. That is what I tell a close friend who has serious issues with her SIL who is IMHO nuts.


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Old 01-03-2012, 09:42 PM
 
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My DH's sisters are incredible -- I feel so lucky to have gained them as sisters. They're thoughtful, involved with my kids, caring, reliable, trustworthy -- just wonderful. 

 

My brother's wife, on the other hand, is difficult. Our relationship has been very rocky right from the start (and like you OP, that's highly unusual for me -- I have very very little conflict or drama in my life). It's tough, and sad. I'm sorry you're going through it. 


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Old 01-03-2012, 10:35 PM
 
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I'm really lucky in the sil department, too. My brothers have all married lovely women, though I don't live close to them (maybe it would be a different story if we spent more time togetherorngtongue.gif). We have a great time together at holidays.  My sil's on dh's side are all fantastic and we regularly spend time together. I love their kids, too.  TBH, we don't have tons in common but they're just so darn supportive. I really love them love.gif


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Old 01-05-2012, 11:39 AM
 
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My SIL (ex-SIL? Not sure what she is now. Widowed-SIL?) is a total...um...mean, evil witch. My brother was killed in Iraq in 2008. They had been married for 8 years. On his first tour she had an affair. She got pregnant the weekend he returned. But was still having the affair the weekend before. So...was it my brother's baby? Who knows? He stayed with her and raise "his" son (he looks just like him, so we're pretty sure he is his). Then a week after his son's 1st birthday he left for his second tour in Iraq. He was killed 4 months later.

 

At the funeral she would not let my family choose even ONE song that was to be played. Instead she chose very not-funeral-appropriate songs (and not even songs he liked). My mom was just requesting ONE song that represented his past and cultural roots. She made a video montage, which was nice, but she misspelled his middle name. That doesn't make her a witch, though. But it was weird. And the day before the funeral she went on a shopping spree (spending some of the $500K she received from the Army) and bought 5 Coach purses. She also told the Army Chaplain that was "directing" the funeral to only let his parents and I only get up and speak for 2 minutes. We told the Chaplain to try and drag us off the microphone after 2 minutes and see what happens. We definitely took more than 2 minutes!

 

Then at the graveside military funeral she asked them to only put two chairs in the front row on my brother's families' side for my parents and put me in the second row. I had to move my chair to next to them in front of everyone. It was so humiliating!

 

When we all (her family and mine) went to the base to meet some high ups before greeting the plane that carried his body on the tarmac, she introduced HER parents as his parents when his actual parents (my parents) were right there in the room. It was very rude, awkward and embarrassing. Keep in mind that we all had a great relationship with my brother. There was no reason for any of this.

 

After all that, she wouldn't let any of us have any of his belongings. My mom had bought him hundreds of dollars of these collectible "toys" that he collected and she wanted just one back as a memento but she refused. He and I always traded/stole eachother t-shirts because we wore the same style and size. I wanted just one (any one) shirt of his. She refused. She also has always refused to send us pictures of his son. All she would do was 'friend' us on facebook so we could see what she posted.

 

Then 6 months after his death she got engaged to another soldier. She was pregnant with their baby soon after and is now pregnant again. She refuses to marry him, though, because then her death benefits would stop for his/her son. She has now de-friended me and my dad from facebook (because my dad and her dad got into an argument on the 3rd anniversary of his death- her dad is a bully and made a "joke" about how my dad didn't understand what serving in the military was like because he never served his country like he did. He knows the ONLY reason he couldn't serve like he wanted to was because he has polio and is disabled!)

 

She (and her whole family) has made the grieving process so much more difficult. :( I wish she was never my SIL!

 

 


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Old 01-05-2012, 12:18 PM
 
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Oh my gosh, monarchgrrl, that's terrible!!! I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

I have a few sils due to dh having two sisters and me having two brothers -- all of which I get along with swimmingly to varying degrees of closeness...except for one. Piece. Of. Work. We haven't spoken with her in well over a year. I had her number nearly 2 decades ago when dh and I met but I was the mean new girlfriend who was "jealous" of their relationship and didn't want dh to be close with his sister (according to in-laws because sil was/is the perpetual victim of everyone else's schemes) eyesroll.gif.

 

Where do I start? Compulsive lying, wasting thousands upon thousands of dollars, drugs, stealing prescription drugs from deceased relatives homes, quitting or getting fired from every job she's had, two felony convictions, recently had a baby with an incarcerated felon (armed robbery and selling crack, lovely) who now has (count 'em) 5 kids by 5 different mamas -- none of which he is supporting financially or emotionally (but they're going to live happily ever after upon his release -- I hear he's "changed" LOL)

 

 In-laws are singing a different tune now. whistling.gif Even though they are extreme enablers of her behavior (incidentally, our relationship with mil is very strained) they no longer believe I'm the crazy one who had it out for sil eyesroll.gif


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Old 01-05-2012, 12:36 PM
 
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Firstly, Monarch, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. How dare that mean spirited woman sully his memory like that.

 

I am an only child, but have three SIL, as dh has three sisters. The oldest is a totally shallow, self absorbed bitch, and I can't stand her.  She recently called a group of our friends trash for no other reason than they make less money than her, and it shows in their dress. She regularly screams at her three children who to be quite honest, I think she had as fashion accessories.  The middle one is one of my best friends, although she drives me nuts as well, as she is incredibly judgemental, and slags anyone off who doesn't do everything the way she feels they should. The youngest sister is a party girl who drinks too much (even in my opinion, and I love my beer), and also thinks that she knows more than everyone else. She won't listen to anything I say, but actually physically just gets louder when I try to tell her my opinion on any given subject. LOL Wow. Maybe I am the judgemental one. To be honest, it's kinda fun sometimes, because the drama (as long as it's not centred around me or dh) is better than any reality tv show I've ever watched. redface.gif


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Old 01-05-2012, 12:56 PM
 
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My 3 SILs are my best friends. I lucked out big time. They are the best family I could have ever asked for.

Monarchgrrl, I am so sorry for your loss, and for having to deal with such a mean-hearted woman. I hope that you and your family are healing well.

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Old 01-05-2012, 01:34 PM
 
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Monarchgrrl, that's horrible -- I'm so sorry to hear it. I can't understand what makes people behave so callously. So do you and your parents never get to see your nephew? greensad.gif


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Old 01-05-2012, 04:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post

Monarchgrrl, that's horrible -- I'm so sorry to hear it. I can't understand what makes people behave so callously. So do you and your parents never get to see your nephew? greensad.gif



Thanks for the condolences, all! Much appreciated. Unfortunately our experience with her isn't too uncommon. It's a widely-known, yet rarely discussed, issue with military families-of-origin and widows. greensad.gif

 

limabean, my dad and I haven't seen my nephew since the funeral. My mom bends over backwards and kisses ex-SIL's butt in order to still be a facebook friend to see pictures. It's so hard, too, because he looks SO much like my brother. It's heart-wrenching.

 

OH and just because I thought I'd share, I also remembered that her new boyfriend/baby daddy is a soldier and has on his facebook a quote that says "I don't want to die for my country. I'll let the other f*ckers do that for me." He's with a war widow and he is a soldier himself and he has THAT on there??


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Old 01-05-2012, 05:50 PM
 
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This is one of the saddest stories I think I've read on here. You and your parents must just all have broken hearts over it :(. So sad.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Monarchgrrl View Post



Thanks for the condolences, all! Much appreciated. Unfortunately our experience with her isn't too uncommon. It's a widely-known, yet rarely discussed, issue with military families-of-origin and widows. greensad.gif

 

limabean, my dad and I haven't seen my nephew since the funeral. My mom bends over backwards and kisses ex-SIL's butt in order to still be a facebook friend to see pictures. It's so hard, too, because he looks SO much like my brother. It's heart-wrenching.

 

OH and just because I thought I'd share, I also remembered that her new boyfriend/baby daddy is a soldier and has on his facebook a quote that says "I don't want to die for my country. I'll let the other f*ckers do that for me." He's with a war widow and he is a soldier himself and he has THAT on there??



 


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Old 01-05-2012, 06:07 PM
 
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I've got 4 SIL's, my DH's sisters, ranging in age from 16-26. 3 live in Mexico, 1 lives in Indiana, My parents are in SC and the Dominican Republic, DH's parents are in Indiana and Mexico...it's perfect :)


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Old 01-05-2012, 10:57 PM
 
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DH's sisters are great. Well, one I don't know well at all, but I really heartbeat.gif the two I'm around. One of them has a very similar sense of humor to me and is also a night owl, pretty cool. My brother's wife? Oy. Look up compulsive liar in the dictionary and you'll see her picture. She's also the biggest one-upper I've ever met. I've purposely separated myself from my family of origin for over a year now and SIL is one reason why.

 

Monarchgrrl, I'm so sorry about your brother and all the trouble with SIL. Heartbreaking!


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Old 01-13-2012, 08:21 PM
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I have 4 SILs and I like them all. 


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Old 01-13-2012, 08:53 PM
 
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My SIL is in her early 20s and we get along, but we're not very close.  All I can say is I'm soooooo glad Facebook wasn't around when I was that age and partying it up like that.  redface.gif


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Old 01-13-2012, 09:10 PM
 
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I like the two on my side, although I hardly know my younger brother's wife. Still, she was extremely kind to my mother while she was going through chemo and I'm so grateful for her for that reason.

 

On DH's side, I have one that I'm extremely close to, one I like, two I'm not that fond of, and another I barely know. I also have five or six ex-sister-in-laws, only one of whom I met more than once or twice (and a couple I never met at all). The one I met several times is very nice! 

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Old 01-14-2012, 07:54 AM
 
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I've got five SILs.  I get along with them OK.  We aren't bffs, nor do any of us expect that.  We aren't in each other's lives all the time. Some live near and some live far.  A few I like very much, and I few probably aren't people I would choose as friends.  On dh's side, I like my SIL's better than I like his brothers. 

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Old 01-14-2012, 01:06 PM
 
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I have a couple of sil's of different ages. I have not been close with any of them.

A- we don't have a lot in common or see each other much but I don't mind being around her occasionally

B- very concerned with outward appearances, wrapped up in herself, and is somewhat controlling/using others. I don't like to be around her much.

C- died a few years ago, large age difference and lack of things in common

D- much younger, not a sibling relationship... more like a niece or young cousin


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Old 01-14-2012, 01:27 PM
 
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I have one SIL and she could be my child.  She is dh's father and ex -step mother's dd.  No real relationship.  DH and she have such differrent histories with their dad that they aren't real close.  DH was an young adult while he was a raging alcoholic and a parent himself during the downward spiral.  One of the best things my SIL's mom ever did was protecting my SIL from who her dad truly was.  But it gives her a lollipops and rainbows view of him where we don't allow him in our lives much and she doesn't get why....

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Old 01-14-2012, 05:49 PM
 
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My SIL (DH's brother's wife) is AMAZING. She's 32 and I'm 22, and she's pregnant with their first. She single handedly helped me gain respect of the entire rest of the family because she has sought my advice and opinion on many things as they are also a natural-style family even though DH & his brother weren't raised that way. She is very intelligent, and she's a nanny, and she is kind and sweet and thoughtful with my kids.She is creative and funny, and brutally honest, though she always puts in her two cents with tact. I adore her.

 

My soon-to-be SIL (my brother's fiancee) is pretty great too. She has a 4 year old daughter who is an angel who she has raised on her own. She & her daughter treat my family wonderfully. I've never heard her speak a harsh word about anyone, ever. What could be better than that?


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Old 01-14-2012, 07:13 PM
 
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My 2 ex-SILs were the greatest! They were always on my side when XH was being a douchbag. I still talk to one of them. It was the hardest thing to realize that when you divorce, you divorce the family too and because these 2 were like my own sisters, that realization made me cry sometimes.

 

My SIL now (well... DB's half-sister) is wonderful too. It feels like she is my own sister too. She is almost 40 years old and has been through worst things in life (like being in prison, drug addiction, etc) Whenever we talk, it's like I can vent about anything and she will understand. :)

 

Funny thing is... I have 3 older sisters and I rarely talk to them because of their judgmental and negative personalities.


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Old 01-15-2012, 05:50 PM
 
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My SIL is awesome. We're the same age. She's very loud, funny, smart and sweet. We're not super close or anything, but I like her a lot.

 

I also have a sort-of SIL (DH's brother's long-term girlfriend). I really like her too, in as far as I know her. She's very shy and socially awkward, but I find that endearing.


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Old 01-15-2012, 06:03 PM
 
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I consider my SIL evil lol.  I try not to blame her though, because my ex-MIL created her to be that way (the next generation of my MIL).  She is a year younger than me.  She is selfish, spoiled, dumb, and stuck up.  I tried so hard over the years to bond with her somewhat and just got nowhere.  Honestly, she wasn't really worth all that effort anyways.  I know I sound crazy mean, but she just isn't good people and that's all there is to it.  Maybe next time I will score an awesome SIL to make up for it! 


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Old 01-16-2012, 10:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by C is for Cookie View Post

My 2 ex-SILs were the greatest! They were always on my side when XH was being a douchbag. I still talk to one of them. It was the hardest thing to realize that when you divorce, you divorce the family too and because these 2 were like my own sisters, that realization made me cry sometimes.

 



Not necessarily.  My brother is still very close to his ex-BIL even though both he and his ex-wife are remarried. 


"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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Old 01-16-2012, 11:26 AM
 
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I love to tell the story of the first time I met my SIL because it describes her so well. This was early in mine and DH's relationship. She was having the family over for Christmas Eve dinner. She called me up and asked me to please bring a "light tasting salad". I still don't know WTF that is supposed to mean. I thought by virtue of it being a salad that it would be light tasting. Anyway, when we got to her house she had gone way overboard for stuff. Everything was immaculate, so much so that if felt sterile. She had made beef wellington and had designed these really fancy leaf patterns on the outer pastry part. There were actually two beef wellingtons because one was the presentation piece that sat on the table while we ate the other one. It was just weird, although I do appreciate the sentiment. Anyway, she's an interior designer (DO NOT call her a decorator!) and unfortunately, she just comes across as snooty. Everything is about image with her. That even shows up in the way she parents. I was actually surprised she even wanted children, but now that I see how she raises them it kind of makes sense. Anyway, it's a real disappointment to me. We have some pretty big things in common- we are both women of color raised by our single white mothers, we both were only children, we both lost our mothers in our 20s- but, yeah, there's nothing between us aside from common courtesy.

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