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#1 of 32 Old 02-22-2012, 07:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I ran to the store for a bit with my son and when I came in, my DH was all flustered fiddling with his pants, phone in hand, at the computer. As I got closer and realized he was closing adult websites! He didn't realize I saw it until after my ds went to bed and I asked him about it. His excuse was he was looking for stuff for us to view together, his phone just happened to be in his hand, and he had just been "adjusting" himself. I'm not sure what to think! Am I jumping to conclusions because I'm pregnant and paranoid? Or is this obviously fishy? We generally have a good relationship, and I might buy this story if he hadn't been holding his phone too. My first thought was he was taking inappropriate pictures to send to someone over the internet. I said that to him and he laughed and told me I was hormonal. Can I just get some other opinions? Would you believe your dp if they told you this? 


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#2 of 32 Old 02-22-2012, 07:50 PM
 
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Sounds a little fishy to me, but what does *your* gut say?  Was he flustered?  

 

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#3 of 32 Old 02-22-2012, 07:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He was flustered. He closed all the pages quickly- if it was something meant for us both to view at some point, why rush to hide it right? Ugh. Not sure what to do about it. irked.gif


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#4 of 32 Old 02-22-2012, 07:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Btw I love the quote in your signature. Very true! 


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#5 of 32 Old 02-22-2012, 08:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MommyofNRM View Post

I ran to the store for a bit with my son and when I came in, my DH was all flustered fiddling with his pants, phone in hand, at the computer. As I got closer and realized he was closing adult websites! He didn't realize I saw it until after my ds went to bed and I asked him about it. His excuse was he was looking for stuff for us to view together, his phone just happened to be in his hand, and he had just been "adjusting" himself. I'm not sure what to think! Am I jumping to conclusions because I'm pregnant and paranoid? Or is this obviously fishy? We generally have a good relationship, and I might buy this story if he hadn't been holding his phone too. My first thought was he was taking inappropriate pictures to send to someone over the internet. I said that to him and he laughed and told me I was hormonal. Can I just get some other opinions? Would you believe your dp if they told you this? 


If my dh were in the exact situation you describe, including closing websites quickly so that I didn't catch him, and then laughed and said I was "hormonal" when I said I thought he might have been taking inappropriate pics to send to someone else, I'd be tempted to punch him in the nose. IMO, it's understandable that you'd really wonder after walking in on a situation like that. Your concerns may be groundless, but the dismissive reaction seems a bit "off" to me.

 

ETA: I also can't see any reason why he'd be looking for sites for the two of you to view together with his phone in his hand. That seems really weird. (I could easily buy the "adjusting himself" thing, because I could see a guy getting a bit worked up looking at such sites, and needing to shift things around a little to deal with that.)


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#6 of 32 Old 02-22-2012, 08:48 PM
 
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Normally in that situation, I'd assume he was masturbating while multi-tasking on his phone (e.g. got a totally unrelated text or something--hey, porn can get pretty dull...), and got embarrassed when you accidentally invaded his privacy. But that's based on my DP. Do you guys have a porn-is-cheating clause in your relationship?

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#7 of 32 Old 02-22-2012, 08:52 PM
 
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I think it sounds like he was masturbating.

 

It is completely normal for men in committed relationships to jerk off. Totally normal, nothing to get worked up over. Really.

 

However, different couples have different "rules" about porn. 

 

My advice would be to start by totally making peace with the idea of your DH playing with his penis. He's going to do it anyway -- he can hide it from you or not, but you aren't going to stop him.

 

Second, think through were your line is. I don' think looking at porn is cheating. It's not even close. However, many people object to porn for a variety of valid reasons, such as the real people on the other end of those photos, or the concern that looking at too much of it causes a twisted view of what sex should be like, etc. Think through *why* you feel what you feel.

 

Because a lot of women hate porn because they feel threatened because they fear that the women are hotter than they are, and that the reason their DH is looking at it is because he isn't attracted to them. If this is how you feel, be honest with yourself and your DH.

 

Honesty is a tricky thing in a marriage -- we can't both demand honesty and at the same time demand another be different than they are. To give our partner the space to be honest with us, we have to have a little bigger view of what we can live with. Too strict of standards (never touch your penis) tend to lead to lying. At the same time, we have a line that we just aren't going to go past. To really see another person for exactly who they are right now, we sometime have to drop our attachments to how they are "supposed" to be.

 

And if you are deeply freaked out and/or you and your DH can't talk about this, then get into marriage counseling pronto. Masturbating isn't a big deal, but an inability to communicate about sexuality is.

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#8 of 32 Old 02-22-2012, 11:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

I think it sounds like he was masturbating.

 

It is completely normal for men in committed relationships to jerk off. Totally normal, nothing to get worked up over. Really.

 

However, different couples have different "rules" about porn. 

 

My advice would be to start by totally making peace with the idea of your DH playing with his penis. He's going to do it anyway -- he can hide it from you or not, but you aren't going to stop him.

 

Second, think through were your line is. I don' think looking at porn is cheating. It's not even close. However, many people object to porn for a variety of valid reasons, such as the real people on the other end of those photos, or the concern that looking at too much of it causes a twisted view of what sex should be like, etc. Think through *why* you feel what you feel.

 

Because a lot of women hate porn because they feel threatened because they fear that the women are hotter than they are, and that the reason their DH is looking at it is because he isn't attracted to them. If this is how you feel, be honest with yourself and your DH.

 

Honesty is a tricky thing in a marriage -- we can't both demand honesty and at the same time demand another be different than they are. To give our partner the space to be honest with us, we have to have a little bigger view of what we can live with. Too strict of standards (never touch your penis) tend to lead to lying. At the same time, we have a line that we just aren't going to go past. To really see another person for exactly who they are right now, we sometime have to drop our attachments to how they are "supposed" to be.

 

And if you are deeply freaked out and/or you and your DH can't talk about this, then get into marriage counseling pronto. Masturbating isn't a big deal, but an inability to communicate about sexuality is.


Linda, i used to think the same about masturbation. in fact, i vividly recall stating that Bill Clinton should have just masturbated, and it would avoided all *that* trouble.

BUT life has a way of "showing you"... and my husband (now ex-husband) became addicted to pornography.

the trouble with masturbation comes when a partner prefers it to the exclusion of the other partner. THEN it can really definitely feel like you are being "cheated" upon. 

yes, all men masturbate. but most men also want to have sex with their partners.

unfortunately some men (and some women) get addicted to porn/self gratification ... and leave their partner with a) no sex life, b) the need to also masturbate for any sexual release, c) the need to have an affair for sexual release.

 

OP: the fact that the phone was in his hand? fishy.

can you check his browser history and his phone's photo album? if there's nothing there now, check back at unexpected times in the future. 

 

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#9 of 32 Old 02-23-2012, 06:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't really have a problem with him looking at porn and masturbating, if I felt like that's all it was. My concern is the phone! I look at his phone often so he won't leave any pictures on it and about the browser history, I checked that and asked why he deleted it- he said there's a way to not have it show up there to begin with! Wow, that makes me feel better. So he can just hide it from me all the time. I didn't have any trust issues with him before but suddenly I can't stop thinking about this. It's bothering me and I have no way to be sure of what he was doing. We do still have sex fairly often but it's been over a week (which is unusual for us). I'll ask him about it again tonight but I don't feel like I'll get a different response. 


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#10 of 32 Old 02-23-2012, 06:56 AM
 
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You don't have trust issues with him but yet you look at his phone all the time? He was obviously having alone time with himself and quite possibly you are overreacting to the fact that the phone was in his hand as well. But who knows? If you trust him then let it be. Pregnancy tends to make us over react to things often. If you push him on this he might feel like he has to hide things from you...including masterbation. THat wouldn't be fair to him.

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#11 of 32 Old 02-23-2012, 07:22 AM
 
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Mommy...  If the kid wasn't there I would have come in and finished him off.  That's just me.  DH rarely looks at porn anymore.  Not sure why he stopped, but it was always a sure way for me to help him out if I caught him.  Either he hated that or now he just hates porn... shrug.gif

 

He could have been watching porn on his phone too.  No joke, my friends husband watches porn on his phone.  However with that kind of multitasking he could have been washing the dishes too!  I'd get on him about that.

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Originally Posted by Avani View Post

You don't have trust issues with him but yet you look at his phone all the time? He was obviously having alone time with himself and quite possibly you are overreacting to the fact that the phone was in his hand as well. But who knows? If you trust him then let it be. Pregnancy tends to make us over react to things often. If you push him on this he might feel like he has to hide things from you...including masterbation. THat wouldn't be fair to him.


This is true. I don't want to create unnecessary problems/tension. Pregnancy has me all messed up! 

Also, I look at his phone to see texts from his crazy mother. 

 



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Mommy...  If the kid wasn't there I would have come in and finished him off.  That's just me.  DH rarely looks at porn anymore.  Not sure why he stopped, but it was always a sure way for me to help him out if I caught him.  Either he hated that or now he just hates porn... shrug.gif

 

He could have been watching porn on his phone too.  No joke, my friends husband watches porn on his phone.  However with that kind of multitasking he could have been washing the dishes too!  I'd get on him about that.


Haha that's a good way to mend the situation. And yes, I will get on him about not doing the dishes. Thanks for your lighthearted reply! I needed the laugh 

 


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#13 of 32 Old 02-23-2012, 08:52 AM
 
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If you have really hard concerns and aren't totally happy and comfortable with your dh's response, get a blocking program for your computer.  We use K-9 (we have a 13 year old).  It's free and you can have a password that only you know and a record of what sites he's looked at (even if he deletes them from the computer's history). 

 

You can "allow" what types of sites you are okay with being accessed and add keywords to have blocked.

 

Yes, if he's good at hacking, I suppose he can probably figure out how to stop this, but how many people are that computer-saavy?  If nothing else, it will make him realize you are suspicious and concerned enough about this and it might make him think twice about doing this.  Or, maybe not.

 

I would tell him you don't appreciate his laughing at your concerns and the belittling comment about being hormonal.  Ask him if he would have said the same thing if you weren't pregnant??? 

 

 

Quote:
 I don't want to create unnecessary problems/tension. Pregnancy has me all messed up! 

 Wouldn't you be upset just as much if you were not pregnant?  Don't YOU blame your feelings on hormones, either!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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#14 of 32 Old 02-23-2012, 08:57 AM
 
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I'd be upset, but that's me. I don't know, the first thing that came to my mind with the phone thing was perhaps he was using it for vibration? Or maybe that doesn't work for guys? I don't know... but I know I'd be upset, especially if it happened right now because I am pregnant too, and I haven't been feeling the sexiest and I know my sex drive has been a bit lower than I'd like it to be and I know it's much lower than my husband would like it to be, so it'd hurt my feelings even worse than it normally would... 


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#15 of 32 Old 02-23-2012, 09:52 AM
 
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Your concern is the phone, thinking he might be doing an Anthony Weiner? Sure, that's a possibility, but you don't know for sure. Has he given you reason to not trust him before?

Leave it alone for a while. Give your pregnant self a break and put the incident out of your mind. In a few days, a week or a month revisit it. It might be clearer what to *do* about it, if anything.

In the Tools drop-down in Firefox there is a Private Browsing mode. It leaves nothing in the history. I have no idea if this would supersede any net nanny application. First time I discovered it, I thought, "Huh, I wonder if Dh knows about this.". Then I thought, of course he does, and he's probably utilized it. Then I proceeded to brows porn for about an hour. I know Dh can easily access the history else where, I don't remember where. But I'm not concerned about it.
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#16 of 32 Old 02-23-2012, 12:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by elizaveta View Post

I'd be upset, but that's me. I don't know, the first thing that came to my mind with the phone thing was perhaps he was using it for vibration? Or maybe that doesn't work for guys? I don't know... but I know I'd be upset, especially if it happened right now because I am pregnant too, and I haven't been feeling the sexiest and I know my sex drive has been a bit lower than I'd like it to be and I know it's much lower than my husband would like it to be, so it'd hurt my feelings even worse than it normally would... 



yeahthat.gif that's probably most of it. I feel like I'm gaining weight and becoming unattractive so it hurts me to think he's looking at the kind of women in porn movies, kwim?

 

The idea of blocking certain sites would not go over well. I know he'd be furious and he works in IT and is very computer savvy, so he'd easily get around it anyway. I like the idea for when my son is older though. I can't imagine him looking at those kinds of things. 

 

I agree with Journeymom too- Yes, I do feel like he could've been pulling a Weiner (ha!) No he hasn't given me a reason to distrust him before. I don't think it was right of him to laugh it off, but I will try to just forget about it for a while. I told him whatever it is he was doing, to please not do again (or at least not get caught) so hopefully that fixes it. 

 

Thanks everyone for your advice! Much appreciated


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#17 of 32 Old 02-23-2012, 04:53 PM
 
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Linda, i used to think the same about masturbation. in fact, i vividly recall stating that Bill Clinton should have just masturbated, and it would avoided all *that* trouble.

BUT life has a way of "showing you"... and my husband (now ex-husband) became addicted to pornography.


 

I agree with you, but I think that masturbation and porn aren't necessarily the same thing and I wasn't sure which part the OP was upset about the most. A lot of women feel hurt if they know their DH plays with his penis, but I think that's something its best to just let go of.

 

One of my friends is married to a man who is addicted to internet porn and it has completely destroyed their marriage. They are still together because of the kids, and they put on a nice show in public. But their marriage is dead.

 

Yet a lot of people look at porn every now and again without it ever being a big deal.

 

And a lot of people manage to masturbate with no porn what so ever. banana.gif


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#18 of 32 Old 02-23-2012, 04:55 PM
 
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At first I thought...hmmm, this sounds fishy... 

 

Then I remembered that last night I was browsing a er...um..."adult sight" Sheepish.gif when DH came home and I quickly closed it.  I was a bit embarrased that he'd know I looked at such things without him.  And not because he'd have a problem with it, and not because we havent' seen such things together in the past, and not because I don't want to be with him.  It just isn't something I do on a regular basis, so felt a bit um, naughty about. And I was feeling a bit frisky, he wasn't home and I thought maybe we'd spice things up ourselves...

 

So, given that I think I'd have to give DH the benefit of the doubt unless your gut tells you otherwise.


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#19 of 32 Old 02-23-2012, 05:08 PM
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He was masterbating to porn, you walked in on him unexpectedly, and he was embarassed and made up an explanation on the fly. Totally human thing to do.

 

If I were you, I would just let it go. I don't think this is a big deal. The only aspect of this that would potentially bother me would be the little white lie, but again, that's human. 


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#20 of 32 Old 02-24-2012, 04:57 AM
 
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I think this is a terrible idea. Even if they were having problems in their marriage, she does not own him. 
 

Quote:
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If you have really hard concerns and aren't totally happy and comfortable with your dh's response, get a blocking program for your computer.  We use K-9 (we have a 13 year old).  It's free and you can have a password that only you know and a record of what sites he's looked at (even if he deletes them from the computer's history). 

 

You can "allow" what types of sites you are okay with being accessed and add keywords to have blocked.

 

Yes, if he's good at hacking, I suppose he can probably figure out how to stop this, but how many people are that computer-saavy?  If nothing else, it will make him realize you are suspicious and concerned enough about this and it might make him think twice about doing this.  Or, maybe not.

 

I would tell him you don't appreciate his laughing at your concerns and the belittling comment about being hormonal.  Ask him if he would have said the same thing if you weren't pregnant??? 

 

 

 Wouldn't you be upset just as much if you were not pregnant?  Don't YOU blame your feelings on hormones, either!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 



 


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#21 of 32 Old 02-27-2012, 06:21 AM
 
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He was masturbating, and he probably just picked up his phone to have something in his hand so that it wouldnt look like he was just closing adult sites quickly. Dh and I have an open policy about porn, and he know that I do.not.care if he looks and it, but he still closes the windows if I walk in. Sometimes there are things that people look at that they have no intention of doing or wanting in real life. I think its silly that he said it was for you all to look at together. Does he feel some shame about looking at it for himself?

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#22 of 32 Old 02-27-2012, 12:18 PM
 
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My advice would be to start by totally making peace with the idea of your DH playing with his penis. He's going to do it anyway -- he can hide it from you or not, but you aren't going to stop him.

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#23 of 32 Old 02-27-2012, 12:26 PM
 
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If you really want to enrage him and treat him like a child, do this. If anyone ever tried to do this to me, our relationship would be OVER.
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Originally Posted by grahamsmom98 View Post

If you have really hard concerns and aren't totally happy and comfortable with your dh's response, get a blocking program for your computer.  We use K-9 (we have a 13 year old).  It's free and you can have a password that only you know and a record of what sites he's looked at (even if he deletes them from the computer's history). 

You can "allow" what types of sites you are okay with being accessed and add keywords to have blocked.

Yes, if he's good at hacking, I suppose he can probably figure out how to stop this, but how many people are that computer-saavy?  If nothing else, it will make him realize you are suspicious and concerned enough about this and it might make him think twice about doing this.  Or, maybe not.

I would tell him you don't appreciate his laughing at your concerns and the belittling comment about being hormonal.  Ask him if he would have said the same thing if you weren't pregnant??? 


 Wouldn't you be upset just as much if you were not pregnant?  Don't YOU blame your feelings on hormones, either!!!







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#24 of 32 Old 02-28-2012, 01:56 AM
 
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maybe he was calling to subscribe to something?


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#25 of 32 Old 02-28-2012, 08:20 PM
 
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Could he be having phone sex and watching porn at the same time?  Don't they have live viewing/private show kinda things?  That's what I would think.


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#26 of 32 Old 02-29-2012, 01:49 AM
 
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oh yeahhh that sounds possible, too.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by goodygumdrops View Post

Could he be having phone sex and watching porn at the same time?  Don't they have live viewing/private show kinda things?  That's what I would think.



 


knit.gifmama to  thumbsuck.gif (09/11)

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#27 of 32 Old 02-29-2012, 04:07 AM
 
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Or just maybe he was listening to music... sets the mood.

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#28 of 32 Old 02-29-2012, 12:24 PM
 
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I know this is a bit late, but I definitely DO NOT think that you should implement a computer blocking program. Doing that would be treating your husband like a child, and if I was him, I would find it offensive.

I suggest that you talk to him about it. From my personal experience, these little things that we wonder about build up over time, and the only way to prevent that is honest discussion. If you can't talk about your feelings with your husband, than who can you speak to about them?  It doesn't have to be confrontational or dramatic, but I would just tell him that you have been thinking about the incident that you described in your post and that you would like to know what he was doing. It's obvious that the reason you're thinking about this in the first place is because you care about your relationship and don't want it to change negatively as a result of your pregnancy (your feelings may be stronger because of pregnancy hormones, but there is nothing wrong with them.) Keeping communication open is the key to that. 

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#29 of 32 Old 03-01-2012, 07:55 AM
 
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Yeah, no, not blocking, but my dh and I have an agreement about no porn on the computer!  I am really crazy about what sites connect with this computer, I do a lot of private browsing and I just do not want junk dumped into it.  Paranoid?  Perhaps.  I even hate cookies, a necessary evil, and regularly delete them.  So, no porn on the computer.  And.... ick... can you say "disinfectant"?  I don't want my computer to seem as skanky as a 21st century public phone booth.

 

It is really hard feeling like a whale and having your husband masturbate to nubile chicks.  *Deeply* embarrassing.  But hopefully nothing to take personally.  I use to get bothered about what kind of girl dh was looking at, but then I finally realized he's no beefcake, either!  :)  Somehow this made me feel better.  I don't know, but being pregnant made me feel a bit horny.  Scratch that.  First pregnancy!


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#30 of 32 Old 03-01-2012, 06:19 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetSilver View Post

Yeah, no, not blocking, but my dh and I have an agreement about no porn on the computer!  I am really crazy about what sites connect with this computer, I do a lot of private browsing and I just do not want junk dumped into it.  Paranoid?  Perhaps.  I even hate cookies, a necessary evil, and regularly delete them.  So, no porn on the computer.  And.... ick... can you say "disinfectant"?  I don't want my computer to seem as skanky as a 21st century public phone booth.


 

I feel the same way. No porn on my computer.

 

I always figured if there were DVDs around the house, our kids would find them.

 

So, my DH is allowed to watch porn  when he is out of town on business. I really don't mind. But not in our house, not at my computer.

 

I can see how other couples could end up with other sets of guidelines for not p*ssing each other off.   winky.gif


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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