Do you know anyone who is "happy"? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-19-2012, 11:00 AM
 
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while i dont agree with the 'happy' label i know what you mean. 

 

i know a few who are 'peaceful' people. i know people who have survived all odds and are happy people. i know (and they are my favourite ones) who are 'honest' (for lack of a better word) and can be who they are at that moment. if they are under stress they are rude, without realising they are. 

 

i would like to say i am a happy person too. i think people feel that way about me. i feel bejewelled i have kinda a similar history as you. 

 

but first i recall this one moment in my life where my life was fantastic - and yet i was so .... uhm ... unsatisfied. i was happily married, i was making boku bucks while not working at my kinda job but i loved the people i worked with... i had friends... blah blah blah. but i was so dissatisfied inside. this was happiness? we were planning our family - but i truly wasnt 'happy'. all that 'safeness' felt very boring to me. i was also in school at that time (which i loved). 

 

and then i became pregnant and i quit my position and started working part time. then my marriage floundered. and soon it was irrepairable. i was freaked out of my mind how could i take care of a toddler, work and have no help at all except from x. i had to turn into a WOHM which i hated with every fiber of my being. soon i couldnt even afford my one bedroom. mind u i was so happy being a mother. one thing i discovered - i got depressed if i was home too much alone (even if it was with dd). 

 

then i did a couple of stints of work where i got paid pittance but it was so soul fulfilling and i started living with roommates and my life picked up. i was dirt poor and downsized soooo much. 

 

you would think my inner life would be spiralling out of control, but the poorer i got (and i grew up rich, not just rich, but 'super rich') i discovered my own framily. life worked out and now i can say i am truly at peace. i have more 'satisfied, blissful' moments than i do 'depressed' ones. 

 

however i feel two things have contributed to this. i have been dubbed 'eternally happy' person. that is something about my personality that i cant explain - that even in my lowest moment, i knew i would be ok.

 

the other thing i think made a huge difference was my upbringing. i grew up in a very loving 'not lacking in anything' family. i have been soooo close to homeless these days, but i have never been. stress over money has never been a factor. in fact when i had it yes it was. i was such a conservative. but now i have learnt to live with lack and becuase i have downsized so much i find i actually get to do what i want to do. hang out with dd, volunteer, work trade. i dont worry i dont have retirement. i dont worry dd doesnt have a college fund. all i know is that i have to do what i am doing now to support dd fully emotionally so that she is set up for life. i feel she doesnt need money from me. she needs my love and time and support while she struggles through life. 

 

i feel like now i am truly living. all this while i wasnt. however that also could be a combination of crossing 40 and losing all fears and inhibitions. the only thing i am still scared about is singing solo in public. but apart from that i am so over all my other fears. plus i have the guts to live the way i want to live, to do things the way i want to.

 

however i also dont feel 'alone'. i enjoy my time with myself and i dont feel the lack of partner. for me a good trusted friend is more important than a partner. i dont hanker for a date. instead i enjoy hiking with my friends. i think too though i have become VERY fussy about dates and most of them dont meet up to my own level (not in a condescending way but just reality coz i dont enjoy the usual things in life, so in a sense i feel like a freak). what is interesting is since i was a little girl i always wanted to be a mommy, never really dreamt about being married or life with a husband. 

 

so yeah i do feel happy. and i know others see that too because when my friends go through a tough time they always hang out with me. 

 

so what i am saying is i dont feel a lack.  


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Old 05-29-2012, 10:13 AM
 
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i am happy. :) 

 

everyone experiences stresses, difficulties, etc.  I think those things don't preclude happiness-it really depends on how they're approached.  If they rule your life, it's hard to be happy.  But if they are viewed as experiences, and not internalized that deeply, they are just "stuff", and happiness is possible in spite of them.

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Old 05-29-2012, 12:37 PM
 
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im very happy.  Im married to the love of my life, my best friend, we have such a passionate relationship full of laughter.  he gave me DD and now a second baby on the way, im very excited to have another UC and tht i get to spend my life with someone that has the same values as i do. he' such a great stepfather to my boys as well as DD.  he's very nurturing and does a great job being a SAHD.

 

My kids are healthy and smart. they make me laugh everyday.  they are such great kids! 

 

i absolutely have the best  job in the world.  i get 2 weeks paid vacation, sick time, 8 paid holidays a year and i only have to work Mon noon -Wed 4pm.  i get to spend most of my week with my family and when i am at work it's very rewarding.  I enjoy my coworkers who have become a second family to me and the clients i work with are autistic so it's really cool to make a positive difference in their lives.

 

I have a great community of friends, they are so supportive of me and all my choices.  i am grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.  I am looking forward to the fun group trips camping and to the lake.

 

I was severely abused in all ways as a child only to go live with my grandparents when i was 10 who were alcoholics.  I grew up wanting to die every single day.  I never imagined how wonderful my life would be <3

yeahthat.gif  First, let me say, I am so very sorry your childhood was so awful - but as someone whose own childhood was marked by alcoholism and abuse, I have to agree with you wholeheartedly!

 

I wake up every day feeling like I won the lottery - I look around me and can't BELIEVE the abundance of blessings, love and joy in my life.  Who knew?  Who knew that the world *isn't* just a dark, evil, horrifying place?  Certainly not me.  Who knew that I would even live to see this beauty?  Not me.  In fact, I struggle a bit more with accepting that this *is* my life.  I struggle with not constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to smash this life to pieces.  I struggle with accepting that life can be so good! luxlove.gif  

 

Let me tell ya - we are not rolling in the dough - I have not fulfilled my often praised "academic potential" to take on the world. eyesroll.gif I am "just" a SAHM - but I am in love with it - and I am able to stay home with our son because we have made alot of sacrifices.  But the key to me is living an authentic life.  The more my life reflects my internal values, talents, priorities, passions - the happier I am, regardless of stressors.  Sometimes this means reading up on unschooling for DS, cooking a meal with food from our veggie garden, writing in a journal, painting, listening to jazz/bluegrass/whatever makes me happy, going to see friends, handwork, cleaning with DS, washing cloth diapers, spending time outside or at the river - or even just a few minutes brushing up on my French, studying Russian literature, etc.  

 

My heart is busting with love for DH and DS, love that pretty easily smoothes over the rough patches.  I work hard at my marriage, and I am so so so grateful to have a partner that inspires me - that I adore and respect - who shares my values for our family.  I try to look at things positively - live in the moment - not get hung up on material things.  Not dwell on things and get stuck in a negative groove (i..e., the difference between pain and suffering).  I absolutely agree with the PP who mentioned that, unfortunately, this seems like all some women want to talk about... shrug.gif

 

Lastly, the real kicker for me is to live a life everyday that if 7 year old me were to peek in, she would approve!  thumb.gif


~ Lucky wife of DH blowkiss.gifand loving mama to DS biggrinbounce.gif (04/11) ~

 

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Old 05-31-2012, 03:32 PM
 
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Happy= Yes!

 

Do I live in the lap of luxury, am I a perfect size 6 with a huge closet of amazing stuff with 2 perfect children and a perfect husband and we drive two perfect cars that cost a fortune?

No.

 

But I have a wonderful husband, 2 wonderful children who like their parents before them, make mistakes and learn from them. The other day, I swear I was saying Merry Christmas, but really it was close to 6 months ago, as I realized at the Memorial Day parade. We have had an action packed 6 plus months with many ups and many downs with the busy that crept into our life for a bit. Our life has been hectic. But know what? I am happy right now which makes this craziness more doable. Go figure


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Old 05-31-2012, 10:03 PM
 
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I am happy, inwardly, but I sometimes have a hard time letting my happiness "exude" like you say, because I am definitely stressed and worried.

 

My MIL is HAPPY. My MIL has been happy since the day I met her 10 years ago and gets happier all the time. She was a SAHM of my DH and BIL (now 27 & 29) and is now an empty nester homemaker, grandma, and exercise extraordinaire. I can't think of anything my MIL doesn't like to try. She runs marathons, she does triathilons, she loves camping and biking on the mountains, kayaking and swimming, she love love loves my kiddos and my niece. She loves her friends at the gym and her friends at the laundromat (yeah, she is never buying a washing/drying machine or a dishwasher... ) She also has well water and is probably technically poor. All of the above mentioned activities are done SERIOUSLY low dollar... thrift store clothes, craigslist camper, food grown and made from scratch. She is 47 and married my FIL at 18. She is by far the happiest person I've ever known in my life and both me and my SIL view her as a hero/model. I hope I can achieve the sort of inner calm she has. She isn't living life to win, she's just living it to live and to love. 


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Old 05-31-2012, 11:42 PM
 
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I love my life--now, that is....

 

I've always known what I wanted, more or less. I wanted to be my own boss, make up my own schedule, live my life the way I wanted, etc. Freedom is important to me. So, being a child, going to school, living according to someone else's schedule.....ugh, those were the most unhapy days of my life!

 

Now, I feel very blessed. I have the best husband and children. I live where I want, how I want, and my hobby is my career. If it sounds like I'm bragging, well, I am a little. But, this has been years--decades--in the making. I'm 31, so,  I've lived through approx. 26 years of not-so-happy times.26 years of work to get to the point where I finally began to feel whole, happy, content. (I was 26 when I moved to my current house, where everything finally fell into place. It keeps getting better and better! I honestly thank God every day, several times a day, for all I have.)

 

Some people are happy, but it might be conditional. My happiness is conditional for sure. I don't know how happy I would be if my life were to drastically change. That's why I am so thankful each day, because I never know when it might change.


 
 
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Old 06-04-2012, 02:48 AM
 
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I'm mostly content, and sometimes quite joyful. "These are the Good Old Days", as my late step-dad used to say. :)

 

At the same time, I know that it is transitory. That's the nature of attachment. But, I'm not unhappy now, knowing I will be grieving in the future.

 

But, that said, I think that happiness isn't the point. Instead, I try to do things that help me feel engaged, useful, helpful, and peaceful.  So, sometimes that means being busy and accomplishing things: doing my paid-for work; cooking supper; folding clothes w/ the family. Other times that means lying on a bed reading a book, or staring out the window at the trees.

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Old 06-04-2012, 05:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So beautifully said. Yes, content is what I strive to be. It is all transitory. I remember a quote that says something like You should hold life like you hold a butterfly in your hand. Gratefully and Gently, for you know that it can soon depart.


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I'm mostly content, and sometimes quite joyful. "These are the Good Old Days", as my late step-dad used to say. smile.gif

At the same time, I know that it is transitory. That's the nature of attachment. But, I'm not unhappy now, knowing I will be grieving in the future.

But, that said, I think that happiness isn't the point. Instead, I try to do things that help me feel engaged, useful, helpful, and peaceful.  So, sometimes that means being busy and accomplishing things: doing my paid-for work; cooking supper; folding clothes w/ the family. Other times that means lying on a bed reading a book, or staring out the window at the trees.

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Old 06-04-2012, 12:01 PM
 
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Attachment and happiness...hadn't really thought about that. DS1 is 19. He's still living at home, but his focus isn't here, anymore. I'm enjoying the last couple of years of having him here, as I'm sure he'll be gone very quickly once he finishes school (three year acting program, and he has two years left). But, I'll be happy when he leaves, too. Actually, it makes me very happy to watch him start to launch. I know I screwed up a lot of little things in his life, and one big thing (by choosing the father for him that I did), but I didn't screw up too badly, overall, and that's a nice feeling.

 

I love being able to stay home with the kids, but I don't expect to be less happy when they leave. Life will be different, but not miserable. I'll lose the spontaneous hugs, cuddles and moments of watching them accomplish something new, or light up with a new discovery...but I'll also lose the sleep deprivation, having to cancel plans because one of the kids is sick, not being able to keep order, because dd1 puts things away and dd2 pulls them out, etc. etc. And, I'll get more one-on-one time with my wonderful dh, which is gold.


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Old 06-04-2012, 02:52 PM
 
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But, I'll be happy when he leaves, too. Actually, it makes me very happy to watch him start to launch. I know I screwed up a lot of little things in his life, and one big thing (by choosing the father for him that I did), but I didn't screw up too badly, overall, and that's a nice feeling.

 

I love being able to stay home with the kids, but I don't expect to be less happy when they leave.

 

We have so much in common. My kids are 14 and 15, and I'm loving watching them go out into the world in little ways. I'm happy to see how they are turning out -- they are such cool people.

 

I've made my share of mistakes too, but overall didn't screw up too badly. I feel very mellow about -- neither smug about some false sense of perfection nor inferior over a sense of having failed. This is just life. This is raising kids. It's messy. It's difficult. It's beautiful. It's amazing. And I'm grateful for each day that I've had with my children. 

 

Yet, I don't expect to be less happy when they leave. That's a different chapter, and in some ways I'm ready for a different chapter. I'm thinking about what I want that chapter to be like. My relationship with my husband is solid, we are happy together. I think I want a whole new career  and I'm trying to figure out what.

 

I do find it easier to be happier that this stage of parenting that I did when they were little. This is so much easier. I always get enough sleep. They are really nice to talk to. I feel so much more relaxed.

 

I also spent chunks of my childhood wanting to die. I used to sit very still and image that I could just mesh into a piece of furniture, completely vanish never to return. My life now is so sweet. I did have to spend part of my adulthood learning HOW to be happy. It wasn't natural for me -- to just relax and see all the good things in my life, to enjoy being here, being alive. But, I'm in my late 40's and I did finally figure it out. I am authentically at peace with my life, content, and quite often happy with a big smile.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 06-04-2012, 03:55 PM
 
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We have so much in common. My kids are 14 and 15, and I'm loving watching them go out into the world in little ways. I'm happy to see how they are turning out -- they are such cool people.

 

I've made my share of mistakes too, but overall didn't screw up too badly. I  feel very mellow about -- neither smug about some false sense of perfection nor inferior over a sense of having failed. This is just life. This is raising kids. It's messy. It's difficult. It's beautiful. It's amazing. And I'm grateful for each day that I've had with my children. 

 

Yet, I don't expect to be less happy when they leave. That's a different chapter, and in some ways I'm ready for a different chapter. I'm thinking about what I want that chapter to be like. My relationship with my husband is solid, we are happy together. I think I want a whole new career  and I'm trying to figure out what.

 

I do find it easier to be happier that this stage of parenting that I did when they were little. This is so much easier. I always get enough sleep. They are really nice to talk to. I feel so much more relaxed.

 

I also spent chunks of my childhood wanting to die. I used to sit very still and image that I could just mesh into a piece of furniture, completely vanish never to return. My life now is so sweet. I did have to spend part of my adulthood learning HOW to be happy. It wasn't natural for me -- to just relax and see all the good things in my life, to enjoy being here, being alive. But, I'm in my late 40's and I did finally figure it out. I am authentically at peace with my life, content, and quite often happy with a big smile.

 

I read both of your posts all the time and you remind me so much of my own mother in many ways. (And so value your opinions!) The youngest of my mother's 4 children just graduated high school and is moving out this summer. It's wonderful every time I see her and realize how much happier and how much more relaxed she becomes all the time. Our younger years were very stressful for her, especially since she was always on a quest of perfection... but now she seems to do as much enjoying the moment as possible and most of the time when I see her she seems downright blissful. I agree with both of you, that it's a completely different chapter for her, and a different kind of happiness.. but it definitely works for her!

 

She was in education for 30 years, and when she retired, she took some time completely off before starting her next venture. Though it is a "career" of sorts, it is completely volunteer, and she started it herself, a home which helps recover women from generational abuse. It's actually so fun to watch, I admire my mom in completely different ways these days!


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Old 06-04-2012, 04:33 PM
 
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StormBride and Lindaonthemove - your posts really made me think.

 

It made me realise that my happiness is not going to diminish when dd leaves (let me tell you when dd was younger i was dreading her leaving. how could i let her go). but today dd is close to 10 and i love watching her grow into her own person. its led to a different feeling of happiness. more deeper if you could say that. 

 

for the first time dd will be flying unaccompanied and she is sooo excited about it. 

 

instead of a golden relationship i have a golden cause that moves and inspires me. dd and i will be flying the coop together - but in different directions. 

 

i guess because i had dd late - i have enjoyed every moment of motherhood, even my deepest darkest moments - i felt despair and joy at the same time. 


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Old 06-04-2012, 05:01 PM
 
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I'm mostly content, and sometimes quite joyful. "These are the Good Old Days", as my late step-dad used to say. :)

 

At the same time, I know that it is transitory. That's the nature of attachment. But, I'm not unhappy now, knowing I will be grieving in the future.

 

But, that said, I think that happiness isn't the point. Instead, I try to do things that help me feel engaged, useful, helpful, and peaceful.  So, sometimes that means being busy and accomplishing things: doing my paid-for work; cooking supper; folding clothes w/ the family. Other times that means lying on a bed reading a book, or staring out the window at the trees.

 

I somehow missed this post before. I love the bolded part. It's so true.  I really don't focus much on being happy, as such - more on appreciating what I've got, and...engaging is a good word...and growing, I guess.  I spent a lot of years curled up in a shell (teens and with my ex, esp. at the end), and that just wasn't a healthy place to be. Pushing out of it has been a slow, sometimes painful, process, but it's led to much great satisfaction with myself and my life.


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Old 06-04-2012, 10:27 PM
 
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Originally Posted by meemee View Post

 

It made me realise that my happiness is not going to diminish when dd leaves (let me tell you when dd was younger i was dreading her leaving. how could i let her go). but today dd is close to 10 and i love watching her grow into her own person. its led to a different feeling of happiness. more deeper if you could say that. 

 

 

 

yes, when my children were younger, I couldn't imagine being happy about them growing up and going away, and that has really pivoted for me quite naturally. I believe that if I were sad about them going off and doing their own things, it would be difficult for them. My job is to help them develop independence and self-sufficiency. Being sad about them acquiring them would send them a mixed message.

 

I think that one of the marks of APing over mainstream parenting is that we see no need to push our children toward independence and self-sufficiency when they are babies and children. We believe that that deep connection and trust are far more important during those stages.

 

The irony is that when our offspring are no longer children, we actually are *more* ready to let them spread their wings and fly, and take joy in their strength.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 06-06-2012, 06:19 PM
 
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I am crossing a bridge right now or closing the chapter on one thing and moving to the next. I am starting work FT and DH is starting a fellowship so it will change things a bit for a while. Also, our girls are growing up and their needs are much different. As much as I loved loved loved being a sahmom for so many years, I dont think at this point it makes me happy since my needs are different right now as well. So moving on to a different chapter of our life and we are so excited even though a bit nervous mainly because its something new but that is what excites me and makes me happy.

 

 

A funny thing occured to us. a BIL/SIL are expecting their first baby anyday now. We are 40 and they are in their late 30s. Met in mid 30s and married. She after waiting so long to start her family, quit her very well paying job to stay home with the baby and she is so so excited to have this time in her life. He does well at his work so its not an issue but.... its funny, we are moving on away from that stage and I am going back to work while they have that in front of them now. Funny how life works that way.


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Old 06-07-2012, 05:18 PM
 
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I have severe food allergies, so some days are difficult. Today is one such day. On these days I wonder if it's worth the effort. Then there are days when I've eaten well, and feel good. On those days I'm glad I struggled through the tough ones. Still, there is a constant underlying sense of loss. Never again can I eat out or at a friend's or relatives house. Everyday I must be responsible for every bit of food that goes into my mouth. And still, if my son hands me something, like he did last night, and his hands are not properly washed, I suffer the next day. That constant stress makes it hard to be happy.
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Old 06-08-2012, 09:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hug.gif That must be so difficult. I wish you good days to come.
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I have severe food allergies, so some days are difficult. Today is one such day. On these days I wonder if it's worth the effort. Then there are days when I've eaten well, and feel good. On those days I'm glad I struggled through the tough ones. Still, there is a constant underlying sense of loss. Never again can I eat out or at a friend's or relatives house. Everyday I must be responsible for every bit of food that goes into my mouth. And still, if my son hands me something, like he did last night, and his hands are not properly washed, I suffer the next day. That constant stress makes it hard to be happy.

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Old 06-09-2012, 07:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pek64 View Post

I have severe food allergies, so some days are difficult. Today is one such day. On these days I wonder if it's worth the effort. Then there are days when I've eaten well, and feel good. On those days I'm glad I struggled through the tough ones. Still, there is a constant underlying sense of loss. Never again can I eat out or at a friend's or relatives house. Everyday I must be responsible for every bit of food that goes into my mouth. And still, if my son hands me something, like he did last night, and his hands are not properly washed, I suffer the next day. That constant stress makes it hard to be happy.

My children have lots of food allergies & the youngest eats just a handful of things; thankfully he nurses so he's not too bad off in spite of it.  (((hugs))) to you.  It is difficult, very difficult.  There's a diet I'm wondering if you've heard of that is supposed to help/heal allergies.  PM me if you'd like the name. ;-)

 

Best wishes,

Sus


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