My Mom is on a shelf, in our living room............ - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 9 Old 10-03-2012, 12:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My wonderful Mom died in July.  She was the greatest woman I have ever know and was loved by everyone the knew her.

 

She was cremated and her ashes divided into two different urns (larger and smaller), both of which were chosen by ds (one when he was 10, the other just after Mom died, he's now 13).

 

He asked if we could bury one in the plot with my Dad and keep the other one in our home.  Dh and I said if this is what he would like, we thought his Gran would like it, too.  He was the light of her life and they were incredibly close.   (((We'll bury the other urn when a beloved cousing comes for a visit in October.)))

 

So, Mom is now sitting on our living room bookcase and the little urn is lovely.  It doesn't bother any of us and, in a weird way, it's nice having her here! 

 

My dear fil was over for a visit the other night and asked about the pretty "vase" on the shelf.  Ds said, "Oh, that's not a vase, that's Gran!  We're keeping a bit of her here, so she'll always be with us!"

 

My fil looked like he was going to choke.  In his world, you bury someone (either their body or their ashes) and that is that.  He said he thought it was wrong to have her here, she should be in the cemetary where she belongs.  Ds got upset and responded (not in a nasty way), "Well, we think she belongs here.  Don't worry,  you can be in the cemetary with Nana."  Ds is still pretty sad about her death and what fil said really pissed him off (didn't please me much, either)!  Dh told his Dad that it's okay to feel how he feels, but to respect us and ds on our feelings on this.  Ds apologized to fil for raising his voice but not for his feelings (though fil did not respond in kind, which bothers me).  Subject was dropped.

 

Fil is now a bit angry with all of us and thinks we are carrying things way too far (and, that it is wrong)).  It's not like it impacts his life or that he has to see the urn daily.  We just have a different way of dealing with death and grief. 

 

Sigh, why do people get so tweaked about things related to death???

 

Not worried about fil, he'll come around (or, at least drop the subject) and we've agreed we'll move Mom into another room when he visits.

 

Anybody else have weird reactions to how they dealt with a death??

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#2 of 9 Old 10-03-2012, 01:51 PM
 
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Wait, this was your FIL, and it was your mother that passed, right? So, they werent married? I just dont see why this is any of his business what you choose to do with your mother's body when she passed away. Your mom, your grieving process, nothing to do with him....

 

 

I see nothing wrong with you splitting your mom up, so to speak. In fact, tons of people request for that to be done. 

 

 

As far as weird reactions to how we death with DS's death, we got them. We chose to bury DS at home, have a closed casket funeral and visitation, and to not have him made up in any way. He was embalmed because he had to be transported back to kentucky and state laws required that he had to be embalmed to allow for travel. I bet I could have fought that, but I wasnt really in the right midset do have anything to do with it.

 

DH's family was really nice, but all of this is pretty much against their traditions. They always have at least a family visitation with an open casket- this was something that DH was very, very against. I dont really know why the idea bothered him so much, but I had to respect it and there were some strange comments made. Of course, it didnt come out until much later that we had not had any make up or anything done, and there was some balking at us about that- no comments though. 

 

The main weird thing was that DS is the first person in generations of DH's family not to be buried in their Catholic cemetery or to have a Catholic funeral service. We arent Catholic, so when MIL offered us a family plot, we declined it because we know our whole family wont be buried there and we want to all stay together. MIL had mentioned something a long time ago about us not getting DD baptized because it bothered her to know that if something happened to her then MIL wouldnt get to see her again in heaven. whistling.gif

 

DS wasnt baptized, and we havent had any comments about that, but we have been asked if we plan to baptize the twins, which we both heard the same thing when that innocent question came up, "Since your son is sitting in purgetory forever, dont you think you'd better get your other kids baptized?" No, still not baptizing our kids catholic in case they die and it makes you uncomfortable that they were never baptized.....


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#3 of 9 Old 10-03-2012, 03:09 PM
 
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Everyone gets to do what they are comfortable with. My grandfather is sitting on top of our entertainment center in a brown paper box. Sometimes he joins us for dinner. It works for us and I'm not sure I care what other people think.

So sorry for your loss (both of you)
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#4 of 9 Old 10-03-2012, 08:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by 34me View Post

Everyone gets to do what they are comfortable with. My grandfather is sitting on top of our entertainment center in a brown paper box. Sometimes he joins us for dinner. It works for us and I'm not sure I care what other people think.
So sorry for your loss (both of you)

 

There you go. This is what life is. We all do the best we can in the losses we have. There are very few things in this world that are weird or out of line. Everything else just boils down to personal comfort and preference, and as long as that doesn't hurt anyone else, we're all entitled to it. 


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#5 of 9 Old 10-03-2012, 08:44 PM
 
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My stillborn son's ashes are in a little urn on a shelf in my master suite. They will scatter his ashes with mine someday. At the shore or my favorite hiking spot! I've told all the family and my dear friends and spouse.

I hope my dh passes after his mom because she would flip if I cremated dh. It's what he wants but their family doesn't "do that". It would be WWW3 for poor me.

Yes, everyone should be dealt with as they wish. If nothing else, as a last favor for a loved one.
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#6 of 9 Old 10-04-2012, 05:48 AM
 
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I'm sure his reaction had more to do with him thinking about his own mortality than anything to actually do with your mother. At least you now know that clearly his wishes are to be placed in a cemetary.

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#7 of 9 Old 10-04-2012, 09:23 AM
 
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I'm so sorry about your mom's passing.
 
It's too bad that FIL spoke harshly, and good for your DS for sticking up for himself! It sounds like you think FIL will drop it now, though, and you're being considerate by planning to move the urn to another room next time he visits, so it shouldn't come up again.
 
You're right, people do act weird when a death occurs. When my aunt (mom's sister) committed suicide several years ago, it was shocking and horrifying to all of us, and we were all just sitting at my grandma's house trying to process what had happened, and a distant cousin walked up to my mom and said, "I'm worried about Mary [another distant cousin, who wasn't close to my aunt], I wonder how this is affecting her" because Mary's sister had died like 20 years prior, and the cousin was worried that she'd be triggered by this new death. But ... yeah, she walked up to the person who had JUST learned that HER sister had died, and said that. It was a total WTF moment. 

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#8 of 9 Old 10-04-2012, 01:10 PM
 
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is your FIL from a different culture? to me that would explain his extreme reaction. 

 

if he IS from a different culture, i'd give him some space to get over it and explain it to your son. 

 

for many cultures it would be horrifying to have your mom on your shelf. though it doesnt excuse fil's rude behaviour, if he is from a different culture, it explains it. 

 

and i can sympathise with him because religion and burial rights are a v. deep issue. 

 

i work with really old seniors. for many all they have left is what they believe in. the world is changing too much for them. sometimes i notice their irritation towards me is symbolic of what's going on in their life. not necessarily against me. 

 

in your situation i think its v. important for ds to accept some people just are. they have their own beliefs and that is just the way it is. there is nothing right or wrong about it. many seniors are cranky. and either wont apologize or apologizes way after the event. 

 

i notice this with some family members. they are losing their memory and having a REALLY hard time with it. its easier for them to take it out on the youngest in teh family. while that is not the nice way to be, it helps dd to understand why her grandaunt behaves the way she does. 


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#9 of 9 Old 10-04-2012, 01:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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is your FIL from a different culture? to me that would explain his extreme reaction. 

 

if he IS from a different culture, i'd give him some space to get over it and explain it to your son. 

 

for many cultures it would be horrifying to have your mom on your shelf. though it doesnt excuse fil's rude behaviour, if he is from a different culture, it explains it. 

 

and i can sympathise with him because religion and burial rights are a v. deep issue. 

 

i work with really old seniors. for many all they have left is what they believe in. the world is changing too much for them. sometimes i notice their irritation towards me is symbolic of what's going on in their life. not necessarily against me. 

 

in your situation i think its v. important for ds to accept some people just are. they have their own beliefs and that is just the way it is. there is nothing right or wrong about it. many seniors are cranky. and either wont apologize or apologizes way after the event. 

 

i notice this with some family members. they are losing their memory and having a REALLY hard time with it. its easier for them to take it out on the youngest in teh family. while that is not the nice way to be, it helps dd to understand why her grandaunt behaves the way she does. 

 

Nope, born and raised in Brooklyn!  Hmmm, is that a different culture...............?

 

Trust me, ds has been around both sets of grandparents and has been dealing with eldercare issues his entire life.  He knows the difference between behavioural problems and just plain rudeness (which is what this thread is about).

 

We also volunteer and both a nursing home (where Mom was) and an assisted living residence (where Mom was, as well, and where fil lives).  My Mom was just shy of 92 years of age and was a darling (never a rude word from her). 

 

ANyway, if it comes up again (which I doubt), we'll just tell fil that this is not up for discussion and to drop it.  Sorry some of you have gone through worse than us!

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