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#1 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 01:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am feeling very lost, sad, confused, and depressed with regards to the recent school shooting in Connecticut.  My heart is breaking, and the time inbetween when I saw the news on the computer and the time it took to have all three kids at home was torture.  Now I'm just sitting here bursting into tears every two minutes.  I want a drink, a big one, and maybe a cave to escape to with my family.  But even more, I need to process it with other people.  So here I am.  How is everyone else doing?


 
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#2 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 01:39 PM
 
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It's just horrific. I'm at a loss for words and wondering if I should say anything to the kids. I have a 6th grader and a 3rd grader so they're at the age where it's possible that someone else will say something if I don't. I'm glad we've got the weekend to consider what to do. 


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#3 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 02:09 PM
 
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I'm horrified, and also wondering what, if anything to say to my 8yo DS. I'm leaving to pick him up from school in a few minutes, and my heart is wrenching thinking about all those parents who kissed their precious babies goodbye this morning, and then this happened. It's too much for my brain to accept right now.

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#4 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 02:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's just horrific. I'm at a loss for words and wondering if I should say anything to the kids. I have a 6th grader and a 3rd grader so they're at the age where it's possible that someone else will say something if I don't. I'm glad we've got the weekend to consider what to do. 

I've got an 8th, 6th, and 3rd grader too.  I just spoke to my 8th grader, because he was concerned about how I was feeling and the fact that he could tell I had been crying.  I only told him the bare bones, no numbers or ages, etc.  I'm sure he'll have more questions soon.  I haven't decided how to handle the questions or how to handle it with my younger kids.  :(


 
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#5 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 02:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm horrified, and also wondering what, if anything to say to my 8yo DS. I'm leaving to pick him up from school in a few minutes, and my heart is wrenching thinking about all those parents who kissed their precious babies goodbye this morning, and then this happened. It's too much for my brain to accept right now.

This is what keeps going through my head tonight.  My oldest wanted to go to the teen center tonight, but I couldn't fathom letting him out of my sight right now.  So we're staying home, getting pizza, and watching movies as a family.


 
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#6 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 03:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#7 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 04:21 PM
 
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candle.gif  I'm staying away from the news as much as possible. It's a little difficult because usually NPR keeps me company. 

 

I assumed my 8th grader would have heard about it at school, but he hadn't.  I'm glad.  I told him there'd been a shooting at a school and several kids were killed. 

 

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#8 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 04:22 PM
 
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I agree wanting him to stay home but I am wondering if letting him do business as usual would help. I know we plan on keeping our plans the same because kids (and adults like myself) need their normal routine to help them. So if there is basketball practice tomorrow morning, a sleepover scheduled tonight, go to it but talk with your kids before.


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#9 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 04:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I agree wanting him to stay home but I am wondering if letting him do business as usual would help. I know we plan on keeping our plans the same because kids (and adults like myself) need their normal routine to help them. So if there is basketball practice tomorrow morning, a sleepover scheduled tonight, go to it but talk with your kids before.

You're probably right.  But he chose pizza and movies over teen center, so that was a win/win! 


 
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#10 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 05:09 PM
 
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You're probably right.  But he chose pizza and movies over teen center, so that was a win/win! 

I figured he would! Go hug him!


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#11 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 05:37 PM
 
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It's all I can think about today.  It's just so horrifying.  My son (4th grader) is now afraid to go to school.  

 

I feel such sadness for those innocent children and my heart breaks for their parents/siblings.


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#12 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 05:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I figured he would! Go hug him!

Lots and lots of hugs for everyone!  grouphug.gif There were five of us and 3 cats all snuggled on the couch with the dog at our feet.  It's like everyone just wanted to be close together.  I think we all needed it. 


 
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#13 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 06:15 PM
 
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I am grateful tonight that my oldest is just three... I can snuggle and keep her close tonight. Thought I would share this though for those of you unsure how to address it with your older children.... Dr Laura Markham (author and expert on gentle discipline) posted a thorough article on age appropriate conversations for helping kids make sense of this. (Well, as much as anyone can make sense of it....)

http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/How_To_Talk_with_Kids_about_Tragedies_Like_School_Shooting/
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#14 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 06:31 PM
 
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I'm amazingly grateful that I had a homelearning meetup today. The others got there much earlier than I did, and I don't think any of them had heard the news yet. I didn't bring it up, and let the activities distract me as much as possible.

Now, I've been home for a while, and it's hitting me again. I know what it is to lose a child. I have no idea what it is to go through something like this. My heart's breaking for the families.

 

And, yeah...I gave all three of my younger ones random, completely unexplained, hugs, with tears in my eyes, this morning.


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#15 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 06:49 PM
 
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I found out about this when I went online when my kids were at school. Spent a good hour crying. Just cried more now reading about it again. Luckily my kids haven't heard about it and most likely won't, so I don't have to bring it up with them. It's just so unbelievably awful. My heart is completely broken for that community.


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#16 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 08:47 PM
 
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I never read the news, and if I do I barely cry (the world is one big scary place..) but this hit me hard. I sobbed in the car today, and I talked with friends about it and cried some more...which is nothing compared to how those poor, poor families must feel that lost a child. It's horrific what happend - simply put. I don't want to pray, I don't want to justify it, I don't want to do anything but hug my kids and feel grateful I homeschool them, and plan on keeping them close whether they like it or not. 


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#17 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 09:26 PM
 
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I didn't hear about it until later in the day due to a heavy therapy day for DS1. Yesterday was my 4th grader's first day at a public school. She was already nervous and the school told them this morning about the shooting. greensad.gif She processes things in stages so I'm not sure if it will come up again until it is Sunday evening. I also have a K student and that seems to hit me really hard. She doesn't know anything yet. 


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#18 of 111 Old 12-14-2012, 11:23 PM
 
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Yesterday was my 4th grader's first day at a public school. She was already nervous and the school told them this morning about the shooting.

Geez. I really think with something this big and upsetting, school staff should leave it up to the parents decide how to handle this with their kids. Unless you live in an area that was affected (I know some of the other area schools were on lockdown), there was no reason for the school to share the info with the kids before the parents had a chance to. I'm sorry that happened.
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#19 of 111 Old 12-15-2012, 12:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I didn't hear about it until later in the day due to a heavy therapy day for DS1. Yesterday was my 4th grader's first day at a public school. She was already nervous and the school told them this morning about the shooting. greensad.gif She processes things in stages so I'm not sure if it will come up again until it is Sunday evening. I also have a K student and that seems to hit me really hard. She doesn't know anything yet. 

We got emails from all the boys schools, letting us know that the teacher, staff, psycologist, etc were all on standby and ready to answer the kids questions, but that they would not be informing the kids of what happened.  They also gave links to read give parents some ideas of how to talk to the kids about this, and they warned us that with the kids in middle school, there probably was no way to shelter them from the news.  But to announce it in school, to fourth graders?  That is just way beyond wrong.  I'm so sorry that your dd had to deal with that on top of her first day in public school.  hug2.gif


 
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#20 of 111 Old 12-15-2012, 06:22 AM
 
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My DH and I took turns crying out of sight from DS.  He is 7yo and I don't think he knows about it yet.  He did mention his school's intruder drills in the car last night so I wonder if the school didn't do a drill yesterday.  I am going to ask his teacher about it next week.

 

Thanks for that link about talking to your kids, I will read it later and share it with DH.

 

We are without TV this weekend so we are insulated.


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#21 of 111 Old 12-15-2012, 06:42 AM
 
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They didn't talk about it in my kids' schools either. That does seem inappropriate on the day that it happened. I could see them talking about it on Monday or maybe in a high school if the kids had access to the news. Peony, maybe you're west coast and it was on the morning news before kids got to school? That must be it. I could see where they're coming from with that. Not sure I agree with it, but some of the kids would know and some wouldn't and rumors would get spread so I could see the administration's thinking that an official message would be better than whispered rumors. 

 

After thinking overnight on what to tell my kids here's what I posted on facebook. I think we're going to tell them, but very bare bones. Something along the lines of, "Something bad and very sad happened in Conneticut yesterday and it's been all over the news so I wanted to tell you about it so if you hear somebody at school or dance talking about it you'll know what's up. A mentally ill man went to the school where his mom worked and shot people there and then he shot himself. " I'll work off questions after that and I wouldn't tell them if I didn't think they might hear about it elsewhere, but this is such a big and tragic story that I'm afraid it will permeate into their worlds, too, and better to have a head's up.


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#22 of 111 Old 12-15-2012, 07:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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They didn't talk about it in my kids' schools either. That does seem inappropriate on the day that it happened. I could see them talking about it on Monday or maybe in a high school if the kids had access to the news. Peony, maybe you're west coast and it was on the morning news before kids got to school? That must be it. I could see where they're coming from with that. Not sure I agree with it, but some of the kids would know and some wouldn't and rumors would get spread so I could see the administration's thinking that an official message would be better than whispered rumors. 

 

After thinking overnight on what to tell my kids here's what I posted on facebook. I think we're going to tell them, but very bare bones. Something along the lines of, "Something bad and very sad happened in Conneticut yesterday and it's been all over the news so I wanted to tell you about it so if you hear somebody at school or dance talking about it you'll know what's up. A mentally ill man went to the school where his mom worked and shot people there and then he shot himself. " I'll work off questions after that and I wouldn't tell them if I didn't think they might hear about it elsewhere, but this is such a big and tragic story that I'm afraid it will permeate into their worlds, too, and better to have a head's up.

I didn't even think about the time difference.  That makes more sense.  I love what you came up with to tell your kids.  That's pretty much what we told our kids.  The older one seems like he is going to want to talk more though.  So I guess we'll take those one at a time. 


 
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#23 of 111 Old 12-15-2012, 07:53 AM
 
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i have gone through a myriad of emotions. 

 

this was so beyond horrible that i just could not cry. i was shivering and shaking inside but i just could not cry. i had to step away from NPR because they were constantly talking about it. 

 

i was also processing the china incident that happened around the same time except china time. a knife wielding man attacked 22 children at a primary school. thankfully no one was fatally injured. 

 

i think that one just sent me over the edge. because of their one child rule. 

 

we've had a v. busy day yesterday so dd never heard anything. and i'll keep it that way for now. we have a very busy weekend too. i will tell her when we have a moment of calmness in our life. i am not concerned about telling dd. as long as we 'do' something i know it will help dd. we might light some candles and say good thoughts or prayers (dd is questioning the existence of god) or whatever she feels like she wants to do. maybe plant a rose bush in the memory of the children. their school too has cousellors and psychologists on standy next week. 

 

but me - my other emotion is anger. this incident did not surprise me at all. horrified but not surprised. a lot of the media is talking about guns. but no one is talking about deeper issues. and that makes me angry because i know this is not the last one. 

 

my one thought that makes me shake inside - the lit christmas trees in most of the children's houses and wrapped presents underneath that will never be opened. that image just breaks my heart for the parents. 

 

babies. just babies. the irony of it. the principal had just put in a new security system. 


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#24 of 111 Old 12-15-2012, 08:37 AM
 
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 a lot of the media is talking about guns. but no one is talking about deeper issues. and that makes me angry because i know this is not the last one. 

 

Yes. As more facts come out about the killer I don't think it's as cut and dried as more gun control (although I am in favor of stricter laws) or more mental health care. I think it's something more pervasive in our society. Many years ago in my town a law school student went on a rampage with his grandfather's rifle and just walked down one of the side streets downtown just shooting at people at random. Turns out he was schizophrenic, but there are many functional schizophrenics in our society that would never do this. The guns used in the Sandy Hook incident and this incident were legal. I thought this article in the Washington Post was very telling. Our country is very violent compared to the rest of the first world nations. 

 

At any rate, we did tell the kids. They didn't want to talk about it now. DH went into a little more detail about how many people were killed and that the kids were kindergartners, but our girls were okay with the info. I told them that it had been all over the news and we wanted to give them a heads up and if they wanted to discuss it more later we could. I could tell my older dd1 really didn't want to talk about it anymore right now so she was glad to drop the conversation at that point. 


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#25 of 111 Old 12-15-2012, 09:11 AM
 
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My first reaction was anger.  I hate hearing about people who kill others and then commit suicide.  It is the most supremely selfish thing a person could do, and when it does happen it pisses me off and I don't feel sad until that anger dies down a bit.    

 

All I can think about is the anguish of the parents and sibling who lost a child.  I think about the responders who had to go walk into that scene and keep it together.  I could not have done that, and I don't think anything prepares first responders for this kind of thing.

 

So, my anger died down and now is simply processing the reality.  I try not to let the girls see me cry as I read the news on the computer.  I will not be telling them right now, and I'm not sure when.  They already know some of what some people will do to others.  They don't need this.  Not right now.  I might feel different in a while.


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#26 of 111 Old 12-15-2012, 11:18 AM
 
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i was also processing the china incident that happened around the same time except china time. a knife wielding man attacked 22 children at a primary school. thankfully no one was fatally injured. 

 

There were two of those. China had a copycat a day later. I don't remember the details, because my brain pretty much just shut down last night. I rarely watch the news, and I just can't even handle this right now. These stories always make me kind of depressed. There have just been so many severely traumatized kids (as well as the ones who were killed) in the last few days. 

 

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#27 of 111 Old 12-15-2012, 11:49 AM
 
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but me - my other emotion is anger. this incident did not surprise me at all. horrified but not surprised. a lot of the media is talking about guns. but no one is talking about deeper issues. and that makes me angry because i know this is not the last one. 

 

Sadly I'm not surprised either.  Aside from turning NPR off, I checked out of Facebook. I was just shaking with rage that friends and relatives of mine are persisting in their right to free access to 'handheld devices that shoot deadly metal pellets at high speed' to paraphrase the Onion. However, there isn't one factor in this equation. Mental health care and most importantly, a crass media run amok need to be addressed. 

 

Once again the Onion puts in words some of my feelings:  http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-it-okay-to-spend-rest-of-day-curled-in-feta,30741/


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#28 of 111 Old 12-15-2012, 12:22 PM
 
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Sadly I'm not surprised either.  Aside from turning NPR off, I checked out of Facebook. I was just shaking with rage that friends and relatives of mine are persisting in their right to free access to 'handheld devices that shoot deadly metal pellets at high speed' to paraphrase the Onion. However, there isn't one factor in this equation. Mental health care and most importantly, a crass media run amok need to be addressed.

 

This is what most people seem to be missing. I think people really want an easy explanation, whether they opt for "better gun control" or "lock up the loonies" or something else. There are a lot of factors at play with stuff like this. There isn't one explanation for this. There are a lot of factors. Easy access to guns is a factor. Mental health and mental health care is a factor. Ther are cultural and media factors. There's a lot involved in stuff like this.

 

The US has a very high gun related homicide rate. I don't think that's just about the fact that it's easy to get guns, though. I think there are societal factors involved. As a Canadian, I've often thought that Americans (big picture - obviously not every single person) have a really weird relationship with guns. It's not just about the "rigth to bear arms" - it's the whole picture. I hung out with a rough crowd when I was younger, and I could have obtained a gun, fairly easily, if I'd wanted one. But, there just isn't the same cultural attitude about guns around here.

 

I do have to admit that I'm wondering if this guy was on SSRIs. I've come across several claims that school shootings often involved people on SSRIs or people withdrawing from them. I haven't found anything to back it up, though...

 

I'm feeling incredibly bummed out. I don't cope well with this kind of stuff...it feels callous to just try not to think about it, but...thinking about it makes me nuts...


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#29 of 111 Old 12-15-2012, 12:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm feeling incredibly bummed out. I don't cope well with this kind of stuff...it feels callous to just try not to think about it, but...thinking about it makes me nuts...

This is kind of where I'm at.  Trying to find a place that I can address what happened and try to think of things to help, and yet not to dwell on it.  I was listening to Christmas songs and decorating the tree today, happilly obliviously going about my business when one of my kids said, "This will look even better when there are presents under it."  Which of course, brought me crashing back to the reality that there are so many presents that will go unopened this year, which just brought on the tears and the guilt of enjoying the season.  So confusing.


 
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#30 of 111 Old 12-15-2012, 02:23 PM
 
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you know i dont blame the boy who did it either. if anything i blame our society and its policies and its refusal to look at the real issue and ask the real question why.

 

yes i saw on FB too all about guns. or 'loonies' which is very sad as this child had so much potential. its the system that's failing them. not the perpetrator themselves.

 

i dont expect anything changing much. i think this is going to be a 9 day wonder and then things will calm down till the next time.

 

i mean take the autism controversy for instance. the dsmV is revising the autism criteria (i haven read much into this in detail, but a few good Op Eds) which to me means a lot of people who were on some sort of disability with this will be on the streets as their disablity check will stop. 

 

that means more pressure on society.

 

life is incredibly hard in the US. i feel. esp. for the poor. just having universal healthcare can make such a HUGE difference to society. people will have more choices in their life and not have to worry about other things - let alone just have to do without. 

 

all these incidents show that we are a society sitting on a time bomb. 9/11 all these shootings show a troubled society. 

 

yes you are right. we have a wierd connection with guns. alas the history of the US, the genocide, the racism, the hatred; issues like right to work - have led to corporations. if you read the ads in the late 1400s early 1500 there was a huge discrepency between what the ads in the papers were saying and what the letters from family members here in teh US were writing to the family members in Europe. the ads focused on adventure and the US being the land of plenty. personal family letters instead warned those coming over to bring at least a year and a half provisions with them. the native american issue, the irish issues, the minstrals, slavery, sugar, corn, beef. 

 

so it does not surprise me we are in the state we are. by state i mean - only small groups trying to bring change but none of it being reflected in policies or big companies. 

 

the pressure is incredible on everyone here - rich or poor. 


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