Alright, so maybe I'm the one being irrational.. (long) - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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Old 02-26-2013, 02:55 PM
 
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My sister named her son after my stillborn one... and I had asked her not to. I'm not speaking to her. Almost 20 years later, it hurts a lot that she had the gall to do that.... knowing it stabs me in the heart.

That is really crappy that she did that, but you have to admit, that's a pretty extreme example of a family member using the name of another family member's child. Naming the same as a living child is a whole different kettle of fish. 

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Old 02-26-2013, 06:05 PM
 
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I am constantly amazed at the drama Americans raise over baby names. Your kid will not suffer if another child has the same name.  You don't "own" a baby name because you chose it for your child.  She told her BIL she didn't object to their children having the same name, so no name owning there.  Is it really worth causing family discord over a baby name?  The OP is now at this point precisely because she was trying to avoid family discord.

 

 

You're referring to the OP's bil, right?  Because I don't think the OP would argue with anything you said. 


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Old 02-26-2013, 08:39 PM
 
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Do you still like the J name - do you think it fits your son?


There is a battle of two wolves inside us.  One is good and the other is evil.  The wolf that wins is the one you feed.

 

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Old 02-27-2013, 06:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you very much for all the support, words of kindness and ideas! I appreciate it more than words than express right now.

 

Some of you hit the nail on the head - The person I am most probably angry at the most is myself. I gave in to keep the peace and sometimes it's simply not worth it; because here I am almost a year later, unable to hand in my son's form with a name because I know it's decision I will regret. For those that asked, DH did not care if we angered BIL and named our son what we had originally intended to. He was completely ready to face the proverbial hitting the fan. I guess I valued the relationship between the both of them much more than they valued it themselves. As I mentioned earlier, I have seen families dissolve over the most trivial of things and I guess one could say I was determined to not let that happen, hence why I had retreated and accepted BIL's outrageous demands.

 

As for the name. The J name DOES suit him. The name he currently has might suit him as he ages, but for now it doesn't. Like Philomom said, I think his own new special name is probably the best path to take. I think I'll give him a new name entirely and if family finds it odd, I really am not fussed. You ladies are right - What we name him is our own business.

The boys are already compared in everything by family (milestones, sleeping habits and eating habits) and I think changing the name over to J now would cause more "competition" so to say. Knowing BIL, he would feel challenged to make his DS stand out from his cousin at every stage of his life. He has a need to always feel like he is ahead of the game and it has crossed over to his parenting skills and the capabilities of his offspring. I'm not a competitive parent - Every child sleeps/eats/reaches milestones when they are ready.. So this type of relationship would be stressful to me. The boys see eachother regularly too (on a weekly basis).

 

Well, I'd better get cracking! We need to decide on a brand new name for DS. :) It was so difficult to decide on a name pre-birth, but now we can match a name to a face, so hopefully it will be easier.
 

Philomom, what happened to you regarding your child's name was utterly incredible! I'm so very sorry, for both the loss of your son and the insensitivity showed by your sister. My problem is so inadequate in comparison. 


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Old 02-27-2013, 06:04 PM
 
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Does SIL in law know that you had already picked that name out, or did she only hear the story from her husband and he told her you were copying theit name? If is was me I just would have name the baby the name I wanted to in the first place and who cares what your BIL thinks. I also would have made it clearly know to other family members before the birth that you settled on this name and when BIL found out he demanded you not use it because it was on his short list and you would be happy if bothkids have the same name and I would have made sure that SIL knew about it from myself, not jsut heresay from her husband. Our family had a similar incident when one sister named a child a name and then years later like 6-7 years, the other sister claimed that the first sister has stolen the name from her (even though she was not having any children, or even married at the time of the birth of the first baby) and named her child the same name. The second person is one of those types who is always difficult and thinks every idea is hers. So in the end these 2 cousins grew up with the same name and it caused no problems, no one really cared.

 

Given that this is all year old now, I think I would just keep the name or change it to a different one, but not use the origianl name. After a year I think it will just look like you are trying to steal the name, eventhough your not. I would probably work it into the conversation with your SIL some time about how it all really went down with your brother and the name.

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Old 02-27-2013, 06:59 PM
 
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Our family had a similar incident when one sister named a child a name and then years later like 6-7 years, the other sister claimed that the first sister has stolen the name from her (even though she was not having any children, or even married at the time of the birth of the first baby) and named her child the same name.

Heh. There a few names I wouldn't dare use. One sister (unmarried, no boyfriend, completely unattached) would probably be very peeved if I used Phoebe or Charlotte for a girl. And another sister has claimed dibs on Malcolm for a boy (a family name on her DH's side). I quite like all three names, but I wouldn't stir the pot... anyway, DH doesn't like 'em.


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Old 02-27-2013, 08:26 PM
 
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In this case there was no dibs on a name before hand, or any you stole my name until this years later child came along. it was  I'm naming my child the same name because you stole my name that I liked even though i have never ever mentioned this until now. At the time this was a really common name or the variety there are 2 or 3 in every class

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Old 02-28-2013, 02:24 AM
 
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Heh. There a few names I wouldn't dare use. One sister (unmarried, no boyfriend, completely unattached) would probably be very peeved if I used Phoebe or Charlotte for a girl. And another sister has claimed dibs on Malcolm for a boy (a family name on her DH's side). I quite like all three names, but I wouldn't stir the pot... anyway, DH doesn't like 'em.

 

My sister told me I should name my baby Malcolm if he was a boy.  My husband wasn't on board with it.  We had a girl anyway, so my sister said she was going to have another baby and use the name.  She just really wanted there to be a child in our family named Malcolm, I guess!  But she was not able to conceive another, and I had another girl, and we didn't want to name her Malcolm either.

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Old 02-28-2013, 06:43 AM
 
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so, .... after reading all the posts (checking the thread every day !!!), i am left wondering

= how to deal with adult family members that behave un-reasonnably ???

(am now o.k.-able to set limits- with dealing with some from my family .... but haven't yet cracked it with those from DH's family ...)

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Old 02-28-2013, 10:02 AM
 
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but haven't yet cracked it with those from DH's family

 

That's more complex, isn't it?  It's really important that your dh supports you, his wife. If someone is being unreasonable with you or hostile to you, he should step up and call them on it.


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Old 02-28-2013, 11:45 AM
 
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... that's part of my problem, he's from a different culture where people do not confront each other apparently (???)

or maybe it's particularly marked in his family of origin ?

so he's now "sulking" and not talking to them, nor e-mailing

(i suspect they are not sure/have no clue why ???)

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Old 03-01-2013, 11:15 AM
 
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You're referring to the OP's bil, right?  Because I don't think the OP would argue with anything you said. 

Of course. The OP was not the one who raised the drama - her BIL was the one.

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Old 03-03-2013, 09:21 PM
 
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coming late to the party --

 

I have the same name as one of my cousins. We are both Linda Lee. We've always had different last names, but as a child I thought it would be cooler if we had the same last name as well as first and middle names. (I think the names Linda and Lee are hideous together, but it just seemed funny that my cousin and I matched)  No one ever called me Linda 2 -- was just "little linda" or "the other linda" if there was a misunderstanding.

 

I really don't get the whole big deal over names.

 

And I am the evil sister who used names my sister felt belonged to her. My older DD is named after my mother -- same first and middle names. My older sister has the same middle name as my mother, so my sister is bitter and angry because I stole her middle name, and also because I named my DD after our mother, which she had no intention of doing, but was sure that it would make my DD the favorite granddaughter.

 

My younger DD's middle name is the same as one of the first names that my sister liked in case she had a girl. She has a DD who is a year younger than my 2nd DD, and her first name is one syllable different than my DD's middle name. (Basically the same name but with an "a" on the end.")  I don't see how that is a big deal, but my sister feels that I ruin everything. 

 

Whatever. May be it is because I have an older cousin with my same name and it never had any sort of negative impact on either of us that I cannot see why any of this matters.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 03-03-2013, 09:33 PM
 
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My parents actually reused my sister's name! They got stuck in a Biblical-names pattern, which was fine, except they had six girls and started to run out of names they liked. Rather than resorting to Keren-Happuch or Jezebel, they took Daughter #2's middle name (Ruth) and used it for the first name of Daughter #5. They did ask Daughter #2 if she'd mind, but she thought it was awesome - she considered it an honour and a compliment, rather than stealing. No mental trauma involved. :p


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Old 03-04-2013, 02:11 AM
 
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am glad i gave 3 or 4 names to my kids =>basically 2 from each culture, from each parent

then we only had to agree on whose name would be first on the list

(DD1' has only 3 because we liked the same name)

 

we don't do middle names where i live

we cannot change the names later on (except via lenghty costly legal process, with a good reason)

& naming HAS TO happen within 3 days of birth

 

but we don't have to necessarily use the first one on the list, so there's a little leeway for later on in life ...

 

what i don't understand is that i spent 8 months researching names for my first kid

and yet the 3 we came up with ...

- were ALL in the top 10 of names choosen by parents that year

... i thought i was being original, they were "my" names .... why did i choose the same as everybody else ?????

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Old 03-04-2013, 06:48 AM
 
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Oh the drama, but it does pass. I married years before either of my sisters. 

 

Somehow I magically "stole" the never-shared name my littlest sister had "saved" for both of my girls, the first time when she was still in high school. She didn't talk to me for weeks when she found out their names. She's now done having babies, and had two boys.

 

Two years ago the other sister was pregnant, and went on a rampage when she found I had used our maiden name as a middle name for her then three year old nephew. It's not like it was a secret, she just all of the sudden got irate over it. Made all of our other family promise never to use his middle name out loud, etc. Truly weird and I am sure very hormonally driven. She had a little girl, and didn't get to use the name.

 

Anyway, I just ignored them and life went on. I'd name my kid what I wanted to name him, and let them fret if they insist on it.

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Old 03-04-2013, 08:41 AM
 
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what i don't understand is that i spent 8 months researching names for my first kid

and yet the 3 we came up with ...

- were ALL in the top 10 of names choosen by parents that year

... i thought i was being original, they were "my" names .... why did i choose the same as everybody else ?????

 

 

Yes!!  Same with our son!  lol.gif   We thought we were being original too, and his name ended up being the most popular boy name in the US that year, and for the next few years.  Weird.  We did give him a semi-unique spelling.  The spelling fits with dh's Scandinavian background. 


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Old 03-05-2013, 07:35 AM
 
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Two years ago the other sister was pregnant, and went on a rampage when she found I had used our maiden name as a middle name for her then three year old nephew. It's not like it was a secret, she just all of the sudden got irate over it. Made all of our other family promise never to use his middle name out loud, etc. Truly weird and I am sure very hormonally driven. She had a little girl, and didn't get to use the name.

 

Anyway, I just ignored them and life went on. I'd name my kid what I wanted to name him, and let them fret if they insist on it.

 

Interesting she freaked so much.  I used my maiden name for our son's middle name and would have given any other children the same middle name.  In fact, I know a number of families that have used mom's middle name for ALL their kid's middle names and their sisters have done the same too as a way of honoring the wife's side of the family.

 

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Yes!!  Same with our son!  lol.gif   We thought we were being original too, and his name ended up being the most popular boy name in the US that year, and for the next few years.  Weird.  We did give him a semi-unique spelling.  The spelling fits with dh's Scandinavian background. 

 

Ah yeah, us too.  One of our choices was so unique (without being weird or totally off the wall) we thought there was no way DS would ever encounter someone with the same name.  Turns out another little boy in his preschool class had the same name.  So much for being unique! 


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Old 03-05-2013, 08:03 AM
 
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Two years ago the other sister was pregnant, and went on a rampage when she found I had used our maiden name as a middle name for her then three year old nephew. It's not like it was a secret, she just all of the sudden got irate over it. Made all of our other family promise never to use his middle name out loud, etc. Truly weird and I am sure very hormonally driven. She had a little girl, and didn't get to use the name.

 

Anyway, I just ignored them and life went on. I'd name my kid what I wanted to name him, and let them fret if they insist on it.

 

Interesting she freaked so much.  I used my maiden name for our son's middle name and would have given any other children the same middle name.  In fact, I know a number of families that have used mom's middle name for ALL their kid's middle names and their sisters have done the same too as a way of honoring the wife's side of the family.

 

 

 

My sister, my brother and I all gave my father's first name to our 3 sons for their middle names. No big deal. It's a very cool name. There's no ownership in a name. I can understand the reluctance to repeat a first name in a family simply to avoid confusion. In the OP's case, I'd be upset about BIL's behaviour but I suspect that the argument about the name is just a symptom not the real problem.  

 

As an aside, I would use a maiden name as a girl's middle name. It is kind of odd that it would be considered off-limits for a girl's middle name. I agree that it's a fairly common practice for families to use maiden names as middle names for all children, boys and girls. In fact, it has been very trendy for a while to use surnames as a girl's first name. There are lots of girls named Taylor or MacKenzie or Campbell or Madison and so on these days.

 

The only person who gives me grief about any of my kids' names is DD. She longs for a more distinctive name. We gave her a very popular name. I knew it would be an issue but I had loved it since I was a kid, when it wasn't as popular. I just couldn't let the name go. If I could go back in time, I would probably give her a different name but she really does suit the one she has. It's classic, beautiful, strong and lyrical. It's just too bad that everyone else thinks so, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Old 03-05-2013, 08:56 AM
 
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The maiden name kerfluffle is weird. It's not like you didn't share the name with all your siblings to start out with! I used my maiden name as my dd2's middle name. I think sometimes she wishes for a girlier middle name, but she likes her first name. I could see where, depending on the maiden name, it might not work for a girl name. If your maiden name was Ryan or Bryan or something that would be an unusual name for a girl. I could see it as a middle name, but as a first name people would always assume the child was a boy. Likewise if your maiden name was Leslie or Hope or something people would assume that was a girl, but you could use them as a maiden name.

 

Anyway, I think the BIL is being a jerk. I see the OP has edited out most of her posts. OP hope you can come to some decision that gives you peace of mind and sorry you have to deal with a jerky BIL. 


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Old 03-07-2013, 12:39 PM
 
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coming late to the party --

 

I have the same name as one of my cousins. We are both Linda Lee. We've always had different last names, but as a child I thought it would be cooler if we had the same last name as well as first and middle names. (I think the names Linda and Lee are hideous together, but it just seemed funny that my cousin and I matched)  No one ever called me Linda 2 -- was just "little linda" or "the other linda" if there was a misunderstanding.

 

I really don't get the whole big deal over names.

 

And I am the evil sister who used names my sister felt belonged to her. My older DD is named after my mother -- same first and middle names. My older sister has the same middle name as my mother, so my sister is bitter and angry because I stole her middle name, and also because I named my DD after our mother, which she had no intention of doing, but was sure that it would make my DD the favorite granddaughter.

 

My younger DD's middle name is the same as one of the first names that my sister liked in case she had a girl. She has a DD who is a year younger than my 2nd DD, and her first name is one syllable different than my DD's middle name. (Basically the same name but with an "a" on the end.")  I don't see how that is a big deal, but my sister feels that I ruin everything. 

 

Whatever. May be it is because I have an older cousin with my same name and it never had any sort of negative impact on either of us that I cannot see why any of this matters.

I have four cousins with the same first name as me - we are all named after our grandmother. I also have 4 cousins named Arthur, after our grandfather. None of us were traumatized by it. Maybe because we were from part of the world where the naming of children was to honor other family members, rather than to win uniqueness points.

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Old 03-07-2013, 08:47 PM
 
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I have four cousins with the same first name as me - we are all named after our grandmother. I also have 4 cousins named Arthur, after our grandfather. None of us were traumatized by it. Maybe because we were from part of the world where the naming of children was to honor other family members, rather than to win uniqueness points.


This thread was begining to remind me of Big Fat Greek Wedding where all the cousins are Nick or Diane.

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Old 03-07-2013, 09:44 PM
 
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How about that old show Newhart? "I'm Larry. This is my brother Daryl. This is my other brother Daryl."

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Old 03-07-2013, 10:46 PM
 
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So in addition to two Linda Lees, my first cousins include David Lee, Robert Lee, Kevin Lee, Richard Lee and Dorthea Lee.

 

Our grandfather's first name was Lee.
 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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