commitment versus personal well being - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 39 Old 03-13-2013, 11:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Some great insights, here!

I've been focusing more on creating financial independence, in the past week. So, I am taking steps.

Another point I'd like to discuss. There are some things my husband does that makes me instantly furious, but when my son does the same things I'm minorly annoyed or even amused. Is that normal?
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#32 of 39 Old 03-13-2013, 12:25 PM
 
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Another point I'd like to discuss. There are some things my husband does that makes me instantly furious, but when my son does the same things I'm minorly annoyed or even amused. Is that normal?

I think it depends. If your son is imitating your husband's belittling behavior, then I think being amused by it is not normal (I doubt that's what your referring to, though).

If it has to do with varying expectations based on age (as in, it bugs you when your husband won't meet basic adult responsibilities) then I think it's normal, because you don't have the same expectations of your son.

If it's little irksome stuff, like hearing your husband chew makes you feel stabby but it's no biggie to hear your son chew, I think that's normal too. Sometimes our general tolerance of a person decreases, to the point where everything they do annoys us, whereas the same behaviors don't bother us in other people, especially those we like.

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#33 of 39 Old 03-13-2013, 12:25 PM
 
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Double post.

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#34 of 39 Old 03-13-2013, 12:39 PM
 
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Is it normal?  I don't know. I have the same experience, though.  It depends on what you're referring to. 

 

Some things are funny coming from a 5 year old, understandable coming from a 15 year old, but highly annoying coming from a 35 year old, because for god's sake he should know better by now. 

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#35 of 39 Old 03-13-2013, 01:06 PM
 
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hmm...I don't know what kind of stuff you mean, but...ds1 is kind of bad about leaving his stuff all over the house. I find it somewhat annoying, but it doesn't drive me completely crazy. It drove me completely crazy with my ex (his dad). I'm pretty sure I know why. DS1 will watch his siblings while I run to the store, or pick something up from the store, or give up a Friday night so that his stepdad and I can have an all-night anniversary date at a hotel. I don't have a 50/50 relationship with him, in terms of balancing household duties, etc, nor would I expect to. But, he is willing to pitch in, and doesn't complain if he can't get something he'd like (eg. a ride to school, because he's running a bit late and it's pouring rain, and he forgot his umbrella).  It drove me insane when my ex left his stuff for me to deal with, because I was already dealing with everything - earning the money, managing the finances, childcare (including parent-teacher conferences, homework help, hygiene, etc. etc . etc.) housework, etc. The fact that I was overloaded, and he refused to do his share, then left his mess for me to deal with, was a really ugly package. DS1's habit of leaving his stuff around is merely a somewhat annoying (and, occasionally, amusing) trait in an otherwise balanced person who grasps that there's more to my life than what he wants.


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#36 of 39 Old 03-13-2013, 08:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I should have given an example. For instance, I say something; he misunderstands; I correct; he then says, chuckling, " like I said", and responds appropriately. I think the difference is that, when I'm not well, my son helps me cope, otherwise encourages me to work on goals for myself. Neither of those things do I get from my husband. But it doesn't seem fair that I can't take a joke from my husband, or is it normal to be furious when my husband pretends he understood from the beginning, because he doesn't show caring in other ways?
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#37 of 39 Old 03-14-2013, 04:34 AM
 
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I should have given an example. For instance, I say something; he misunderstands; I correct; he then says, chuckling, " like I said", and responds appropriately. I think the difference is that, when I'm not well, my son helps me cope, otherwise encourages me to work on goals for myself. Neither of those things do I get from my husband. But it doesn't seem fair that I can't take a joke from my husband, or is it normal to be furious when my husband pretends he understood from the beginning, because he doesn't show caring in other ways?

 

Humor needs a foundation, and your husband isn't providing it.  That kind of thing would get on my very last nerve, too.


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#38 of 39 Old 03-14-2013, 09:15 AM
 
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But it doesn't seem fair that I can't take a joke from my husband, or is it normal to be furious when my husband pretends he understood from the beginning, because he doesn't show caring in other ways?

 

I'm sorry, I'm not understanding your example.  Are you concerned that your anger is out of proportion to his offense, making you the unfair one?  You can bet that he wouldn't have said "like I said..." to his boss, or a police officer or a respected co worker or even a complete stranger.  Not unless he's stupid, because it demonstrates a lack of respect or regard. "He doesn't show caring" -- the words respect and regard are interchangeable with the word caring here.

 

By the way, "I can't take a joke" always gets my hackles up.


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#39 of 39 Old 03-14-2013, 10:46 AM
 
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I should have given an example. For instance, I say something; he misunderstands; I correct; he then says, chuckling, " like I said", and responds appropriately. I think the difference is that, when I'm not well, my son helps me cope, otherwise encourages me to work on goals for myself. Neither of those things do I get from my husband. But it doesn't seem fair that I can't take a joke from my husband, or is it normal to be furious when my husband pretends he understood from the beginning, because he doesn't show caring in other ways?

 

I can totally understand how this would cause a different response when coming from your son than from your husband. Your husband has an overall pattern of belittling you and making you feel less than, and this would fit that pattern perfectly - a way of shutting your voice down. Outside of that pattern, it's just a quirk, and one that a person could easily find amusing.


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