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#31 of 48 Old 04-03-2013, 07:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by meemee View Post

 

neera i want to say this gently without coming across as being mean or unsupportive. the way i look at this is - we live in a community. and i'd like to support the community sometimes even if i have to do things i dont like. even if the community is not the best. some of those moms might even be the type who might outright on your face say no. the thing is i decide how i want to be. doesnt mean you have to do what i do (perhaps i do it coz as a single mom it would be nice to have someone around if i have to run to the drug store in the middle of the night), but i have always needed to support the community. but i think they will get the picture if you keep making excuses and say no. 

 

i have to say i am so sorry that there are families like that around you with whom dd cant play. it sucks to live with kids in the neighborhood and yet you are not interested. that seems to be dd's luck too. 

lots of posts. i'll try to respond to as many as i can.

 

thanks. i understand that. i doubt v. much the few people in question here would help me apart from the fact that I am v. bad at asking for help. one doesn't know english. the other is the person from the park - have called and left msgs. about 3-4 times (not for favors) and my calls were never acknowledged. it could be my issue but i find that q. rude. third person is the mom who was being pushy to bring her dc along with the teenaged sibling when i was telling her i don't have an extra car seat. the person that doesn't know english is the most needy. she doesn't have a car, has a min wage job. her dh can't join her as he has some immigration issues and she is essentially a single mother. i have given her rides many times but not with her dc. her dc starts school this september. i also don't want to help with the intention or the hope it will be returned. i didn't like getting pushed. at least if the mom had said could you bring my child on a bad weather day, I would be fine with that. the third mom in question really needs to learn to drive. apart from these persons there are other neigbors that would totally help me if i ever wanted help and i would totally help them. i just go by the rules though. :)

 

apart from that mornings are absolutely crazy  for us. dd whether rested or not causes trouble. even when everything has gone smoothly, she'll cause trouble at the last minute when she has to put her let's say jacket and hat on. we are always running out with a few minutes left. you and i have talked about his before. you thought it might be she's not motivated. i believe that but her teacher thinks othewise.

 

p.s. i have only one dc.


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#32 of 48 Old 04-03-2013, 07:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama View Post

I LOVE carpooling so not doing so wouldn't be the way I'd go. I think I'd talk to the group about a carseat swap so that all kids were in seats. IME, extra carseats are all over the place. Maybe just putting it out there will do the trick. 

Thanks, I think I could do that.


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#33 of 48 Old 04-03-2013, 07:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry, my point is that there is nothing wrong with the kids needing to walk to school, if anything walking is better for them in the long run (builds valuable skills).  You seem to feel a little guilty about not offering them a ride without a carseat when it was raining, and I'm saying you have no reason to feel guilty because it's not some hardship that's worth a dangerous ride to avoid.  Another option, instead of carpooling without carseats, would be to organise a walking schoolbus.

I didn't not offer the ride; I was called by a mom requesting a ride. It was still summer. We were going to the orientation program. It was not a heavy rain, just a light drizzle and we were walking ourselves so that's what I told her. I'd love for us to walk everyday too but dd refused and I had told her it wasn't an option but we ultimately ended up driving because we are always running late.


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#34 of 48 Old 04-03-2013, 07:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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 If they want me to drive their child home they need to provide me with the car seat.   

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#35 of 48 Old 04-05-2013, 07:07 AM
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I fell into this trap when my kids were little

 

I tried to make nice and be a team player - but the bottom line is that I simply enjoyed my mornings and afternoons with my kids.  

 

It took a while for my to be able to put my finger on it.   And to stop feeling so selfish and petty - but when I hit on the words and way to say it - it was over!

 

I explained that the mornings were just too hectic to have to depend on someone else.  What if we weren't ready to go when the neighbor was.  What if we wanted just a few extra minutes one particular morning to chill in bed.  That led to phone calls and explanations and it was a pain.  Also - there is always one neighbor who is never ready and makes you wait.   I just decided no....I wasn't interested and it turned out to be no big deal. 

 

As far as the afternoons - that time in the car is when my kids talked about their day.  I felt like it was important for me to be available to them to listen.  No extra kids.  

 

Don't get me wrong - as my kids became teens - I thrived on all the activity and fun of having lots of kids around.   But some people just like a system and control and I'm one of them.  


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#36 of 48 Old 04-07-2013, 12:16 AM
 
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If it is just a carseat issue, can you just buy an extra backless booster or two. Around $15 a piece.

why on earth should SHE buy a booster (or two!) so that she can be a free taxi to anyone / everyone in the apartment complex??

hey, maybe her own kid can just stay home from school and that frees up another seat in her vehicle. 

and / or she can run a shuttle back and forth every morning, get three boosters and run three sets of kids up to school, turn around and come back for another three.

 

now, maybe if she could work out a deal where the other parents give her gas money (and supply their own booster seat)...

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#37 of 48 Old 04-07-2013, 10:28 AM
 
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why on earth should SHE buy a booster (or two!) so that she can be a free taxi to anyone / everyone in the apartment complex??

In the OP's case, I don't think she should. But it's normal among my circle of friends and neighbors to buy an extra inexpensive booster for those times when someone is in a pinch and needs help picking someone up from school, or when you kid spur-of-the-moment invites a friend home after school.

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#38 of 48 Old 04-07-2013, 07:33 PM
 
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I have flat out refused to take other peoples children without a car seat.  I just say, that I have taught my son that he has to ride in his booster all the time, and if I make exceptions for other kids, he will not understand.  That being said, I do have a $15 booster in my trunk that I keep for my nephew and emergencies (i.e. one of our friends had a delayed flight and I picker her son up).  


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#39 of 48 Old 04-07-2013, 09:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lab View Post

I fell into this trap when my kids were little

I tried to make nice and be a team player - but the bottom line is that I simply enjoyed my mornings and afternoons with my kids.  

It took a while for my to be able to put my finger on it.   And to stop feeling so selfish and petty - but when I hit on the words and way to say it - it was over!

I explained that the mornings were just too hectic to have to depend on someone else.  What if we weren't ready to go when the neighbor was.  What if we wanted just a few extra minutes one particular morning to chill in bed.  That led to phone calls and explanations and it was a pain.  Also - there is always one neighbor who is never ready and makes you wait.   I just decided no....I wasn't interested and it turned out to be no big deal. 

As far as the afternoons - that time in the car is when my kids talked about their day.  I felt like it was important for me to be available to them to listen.  No extra kids.  

Don't get me wrong - as my kids became teens - I thrived on all the activity and fun of having lots of kids around.   But some people just like a system and control and I'm one of them.  


THIS! I was trying to figure out why I wouldn't want to give rides either. I'm an introvert and not a morning person, so having to deal with getting another kid that isn't mine in the car would be such a hassle. Kids are usually tired and cranky after a long day too.

This isn't about being apart of a community and not supporting your neighbors. This sounds more like she's being taken avantage of.

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#40 of 48 Old 04-09-2013, 02:03 PM
 
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I have found that the ideal of "everyone pitching in" is really just me doing favors for everyone and never getting anything in return.  I have this idea about community and everyone helping out, but it never NEVER works that way.  I'm the one giving rides, I'm the one with a houseful of kids who are not my own, I'm the one babysitting on my birthday or holidays and yet NO ONE has ever ONCE been available for me when I've needed them. 

 

Just say no.  If your gut says this one request will lead to more and more you don't want to do, just say - sorry, I just can't!  And keep moving.  People who would not help you have no right to be mad at you for not bailing them out.
 

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#41 of 48 Old 04-11-2013, 06:18 AM
 
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I always give people a chance to have community with me....I will go out of my way to give a ride in the rain, etc and with a few friends it has worked out great: they only ask when really needed and are there for me when I reach out. Those who dont respond this way I have learned to identify and and close out once they had their chance.

Its tough to say no but I learned that once you open the door, certain people will just never stop taking. Its all they know. I have explained that my husb works hard to let me stay home w our kids and in return I owe it to him to give them the luxury of not waking up those few minutes earlier, sharing their moms attention on the ride home, etc. Surprisingly even the most selfish taker moms seemed to truly understand and respect this explanation, I think bc they are selfish themselves they relate to it.

Re an above post, the last straw with me for one mom was when she DID suggest I have her friend babysit my infant to free up an extra space in my car for her 5 yr old lol! Also the rides turned into my kids being expected to share their snacks, the other child monopolizing my attention, etc.

It was tough but such a weight off when I learned who to say no unequivocally too.
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#42 of 48 Old 04-11-2013, 08:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, moms. I have been v. sick and not able to get back to the thread. I did wonder if I was being selfish. I hadn't seen it that way.

 

Getting help back is not even something I'm thinking about. I know that I won't be getting any help from any of these moms and though one of the moms isin't someone I particularly love. But it's not like when I refused one of the moms for a daily ride she offered me a booster or otherwise said Hey if you get a ticket because of my child I'll share the damage with you. Instead she said she takes her dc without a car seat and there's never any problem. I was appalled. And also I was meeting her for the v. first time. Her dc and mine are in the same class but because she works I had never seen her before. They have been imposing and I think that was irritating me.

 

I haven't had a chance to explain (be tactful) because when we meet it's when we're in a rush going to school or am rushing back home so it's been mostly avoiding these people, seriously. I am in a rush both ways because I have to bring dd back, do the homework and nap her for at least an hr. This is a recent thing. Before that she'd take hours to do her home work (it's her first yr of full time school and she really took long to adjust) -- continously getting distracted and really there aren't that many hrs between 3 and 7 (when I'd put her to bed so that she's had enough hrs of sleep so we don't have crazy tantrums in the mornings.) To add to that their teacher is new and there were many days they'd get 10 sheets of home work. She said she wants to prepare them for 1st grade home work. I am happy with it but it was too much for dd to process after a long day at school. I mean if it's not a car seat situation we're giving the 'walking' crowd (grownups) rides. It's never been an issue. Looking fwd. to walking now that the weather is warming up and at least providing them my side of the story and not looking rude or mean or whatever.

 

From this thread it's clear that no mom is taking kids in the car without the extra car seats and not one of my neighbors was worried about their kid's safety or the liability on the driver.


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#43 of 48 Old 04-11-2013, 11:44 AM
 
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And also I was meeting her for the v. first time.

 

Wow.  That's kinda nervy.  Definitely a hint of what further interaction with her would be like. 

 

In your place I'd feel the same way you do. 


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#44 of 48 Old 04-12-2013, 07:17 PM
 
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This line covers it perfectly:

 

" I am not comfortable taking anyone’s kid in my car without a car seat."


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#45 of 48 Old 04-13-2013, 10:14 PM
 
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It's also just ok to say no once, then say goodbye and walk away.  If you give excuses, someone who asks you for something the first time they meet you will keep finding solutions to your excuses.  This is not someone who is overly concerned with social niceties or not appearing desperate.
 

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#46 of 48 Old 04-15-2013, 12:23 PM
 
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I think it weird that people you are not friends with are asking for rides. Seriously, people need to figure out their own reliable way to get to school and have back up among friends and relatives.

I resent it when virtual strangers want me to solve their logistical problems just because I am their neighbor. My life is full of helping my own friends and family. We struggle to manage our own busy life -- so that is why I am so fierce about boundaries.

There are exceptions. When a stranger has an emergency, then I will help. If some mom in your complex had a flat tire or their other child had some emergency, then I'd agree as long as they had a car seat. But poor planning doesn't make me at your beck and call.

I've needed lifts for my kids, but I will call a friend who I am close with, and with whom I have a reciprocal relationship.

My neighbor with whom we barely speak because she is sort of a borderline nutjob, asked me to keep her fire lit if the power went out. I was like, I am going to be running around keeping my fire lit and my mom and kids ok In a cold, dark environment ... When am I going to have time to do yours? And again, this was not an emergency, she had time to plan something with a friend.

Now if it were a friend, I would have driven across town to keep their fire going.

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#47 of 48 Old 04-15-2013, 05:19 PM
 
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I can offer the perspective of a peds nurse who works in an ICU area-- it is unsafe and illegal to drive children not properly restrained. I have seen two tragic accidents involving children who should have been in booster seats and they were not, and they are now damaged forever. Imagine the guilt of the drivers involved. :-(

 

And yes, it won't kill anyone to walk.

 

If I were in your shoes I would say either, 

"I'm sorry I don't feel comfortable driving your child without a proper carseat." OR

I'm sorry I have to run an errand, we are not going straight home." Sometimes a white lie saves face for everyone.

 

I did once pick up a young couple walking alone on an unlit street. The man was dragging a suitcase, the woman was holding a well-bundled baby and it was very cold and dark out. The bus stop was about 1.5 miles from where they were walking. I offered a ride because I happened to have a car seat installed and my kids were not with me. They said they were returning from Mexico where they had just shown their new baby to their family there.  I ended up driving the couple to their home over 2 miles from where I picked them up. If I had not had the carseat I would not have offered the ride.


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#48 of 48 Old 04-17-2013, 10:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I can offer the perspective of a peds nurse who works in an ICU area-- it is unsafe and illegal to drive children not properly restrained. I have seen two tragic accidents involving children who should have been in booster seats and they were not, and they are now damaged forever. Imagine the guilt of the drivers involved. :-(

 

Was this on local roads or the freeway?


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